Dear Maigret
I understand and share your feelings. I rarely shower, wear clothes for days. I am 61 but in the space of 8 months have aged dramatically. The glow has gone and the sparkle in the eyes has gone out.
I have the Inquest into my husband’s death next week. The tensions are rising and my emotions are somewhat uncontrollable and my appetite zero. I am just a mess but really do not care. My stomach has given up trying to tell me to eat. Some people have said that I should be able to move forward after the Inquest but they are so wrong and have no idea. It might relieve some of the pressure but I have lost the most important person in my life - I cannot move on. For my kids and grandsons I will just play the waiting game until my ticket is up.
To get to our house I have to pass the local pub. Many of my husband’s so-called mates drink there and it is one place I will never return to. I can do without their sympathetic looks and enquiring about the accident.
We down-sized years ago after loosing our jobs and seeing our finances cut drastically as a result. We were just nearly completion of some changes to ‘future-proof’ it for our old-age. I just wander aimlessly around picking up things and crying. I have suffered the same feelings of abandonment and feeling that my husband’s love of his motorbike was more than he loved me. The motorbike won the battle for him.
I feel the full responsibility to continue on for our kids and grandsons - that is all that is keeping me going.
Thinking of you.
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It’s been 16 months since Steve died, I do not know how I get through every day, I have almost given up eating, just don’t feel hungry, lost 3 stone in weight, I go days without seeing anyone. Basically just want to leave this world, I did try but failed , I tried reaching out for help but got nowhere because of covidI need a sure. way of achieving of going out, I am smoking like a chimney, hoping my lungs give out, I have cpod so it could happen . Hope none of you feel as bad as this thinking of you all.
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Dear Mag, arms around you… you need to feel safe again… All that you say is a parallel to what we are feeling; losing our love has ripped the heart from us… There seems no point to anything… I wish I could say something that would restore your happiness… I am having counselling and know that Sue Ryder offer this… Please come on the site and share your thoughts…
I feel the same, it`s been eight months since my husband left me with having cancer it was so cruel in the end, my mother died when I just turned 12yrs old. I hate every minute of this non-existing life and wish that I could press a button and go up in smoke so that I can rest in peace without a care in the world. I have lost my faith due to how my husband passed and struggle just to do anything, I really don’t do much just stare outside my kitchen window thinking is this real. I too smoke and like a chimney, but do not care. I am having counselling , what really hurts is seeing my neighbours with their partners enjoying their life, their retirement together outside. I have no family living in this country, have two friends who lead busy lives, I do not want to socialise with anyone. I am so sorry to post how I feel, I wish I could give you some comfort to ease our pain mine is none stop.
Thanks for your message, Steve was terminal ill for 2 years with blood cancer it was very hard to live with but it was not painful, At the end he became bed ridden, I nursed him at home, he died in an instant while I held his hand and we were talking, it was a shock even though I knew it was coming. I cannot get used to the loneliness and have no motivation to do anything, I have a couple of friends but they are busy with their own lives. Being alone at75 is not good with the long days ahead. I have become very weak and just living on pills to get through the day, then having to wake up with an empty side of the bed. My heart goes out to you all who are experiencing this
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Dear Mag, my husband Marcus was diagnosed with Mantel cell lymphoma a very rare blood cancer in 2007, he had intensive chemotherapy at the Christies Hospital for a year.
He was an inpatient for 6 wks at a time throughout that time he had many infections, he was very weak whilst recovering from the harsh chemotherapy, which got him in remission.
Then years later he was diagnosed with chemo-related leukemia he had a stem cell transplant that also was a difficult period waiting for a donor. My husband was a fighter, had sepsis so many times during his remission, I nearly lost him so many times throughout his remission with chest infections. We got by and had some normality in life I always thought that it would be sepsis that would take him. 2019 he was diagnosed with bowel cancer, had a major operation which resulted him having a stoma, it took 6wks as an inpatient for him to recover. The operation was`nt successful the cancer spread to his liver he had a very cruel long slow painful passing, I nursed him at home and he died on his 66th birthday 22nd September 2020. Both cancers were not related he was cured ontil he got bowel cancer, this is why I have lost my faith. We battled so hard for years with the blood cancers, one of our consultants said life sucks, this should not have happened. I am 57yrs and do not care for this life, I do not want to carry on. I am so sorry that you are weak and living on pills and my heart goes out to you too!
I wish we could have our time back from the beginning.
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The thing with real love like ours is that it is inevitable that one is going to be left with all the hurt. I still cannot look in his wardrobe or look at photos of him, I won’t even let happy memories into my head, the pain is tangible, the worst thing is that people think I should be over it by now after 15 months. Can’t wipe out 43 years of love, I’ll be thinking of you
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You are so right and it is us who are left with this unbearable pain, I just wish that I had gone with him. I barely eat, I just think he is not here, I cant think of any thing else, I too have all his things still here, I dont think that I will ever get rid of them. I also dont have photos, I was the same after my mother died suddenly, couldn't look are see photos too painful. No you can not wipe all those years out, I was with my husband for 37yrs. People dont understand unless it happens to them. What is scary we will never get over it, that is why I would rather not have to carry on and I think a huge part of us died with them.
Thinking of you too.
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Dear Mag
Understand and feel your pain. With my husband 42 years and married 38 years. There are not enough decades left to get over his loss.
Thinking of you.
Sheila
Jack do not try an overdose, I did it and was 3 days unconscious then put into a mental ward, they were kind but don’t really understand suicides. I was sectioned for 3 weeks and being watched all the time, then had no follow up when I left hospital except for pills, they do help sometimes. I really do not know the answer to all this grief. I’m glad I’m 75 and not younger. The way I am smoking and drinking I’m hoping it won’t be long. Because you are younger I hope you will eventually find a reason to want to live. Life can be very cruel, you have been through a lot, do whatever you can to feel just a bit better. Take whatever help that is offered. Kind thoughts for you
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Meg, thank you so much for your response, kind thoughts to you also. Meg, we are so alike I do drink and smoke, I drink so I can sleep. As for your experience with the overdose that would have been a further ordeal for you, I am so sorry for what you had to go through. I do understand what was going on in your mind. I do envy that you are older than me, I wish I was a lot older so as not to have much time left and so many other problems on top. As you say you do not know the answer to all this grief. I know what you are posting. Please take care.
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Dear @eveham
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I can’t see any way forwards for me, probably because I just don’t want to.
My grandson has been staying with me since day of the funeral & today he moved out. I expected too much from him & have now broken the close relationship I had with him. Grief is the gift that just keeps taking taking& taking. I have nothing left now, alone in this once loved home. I have now successfully sabotaged a relationship, I think I was trying to do it intentionally.
I am no longer scared to be in the house alone, couldn’t care less if anyone broke in. Couldn’t care about anything at all.
My husband would have resolved the issues, he was patience & wise, it should never have gotten to this stage. I have left the poor lad down badly, I know
Dear Maigret
Please do not be hard on yourself. I think after a short while your grandson and you will be able to rebuild the close relationship you both have. You have both lost someone special and will be dealing with this loss in different ways - sometimes we need space to be alone to grieve.
I understand your comments about not seeing a way forward. It is very difficult and I am not going to lie after 8 months I still cannot find my way and certainly push back against the ‘new life’ others keep telling me I have to live. I so want my old life back and have been yearning for this more and more as the weeks pass.
Give it a couple of days and then get in contact with your grandson. He loves you, he will be struggling to grieve himself and to understand how he can help you. Let me know how you get on.
Take care.
Sheila
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Dear @Sheila26
Thank you so much xx
It is so difficult, I’m sitting here in the dark in this big house all alone I I done this to myself. I feel I’ve let him down so badly, he told his mum he was depressed. He accused me of being unreasonable. He spoke to me in such a way that he would never have done if my husband was here & I just couldn’t accept it. There are always two sides to a story, I feel he just didn’t understand what my hell is like, he would probably say the same, I just don’t understand him. If my husband was here we would have sorted it together.
I feel so utterly wretched now, his clothes & stuff still here, I know i will need to face him again soon. I sat in my car & just wept as he left with his mum.
Dear Maigret
I read somewhere that following the loss of our loved one’s others will speak to us very differently - perhaps even undermine us. I noticed after my husband died our kids and their partners started to push the boundaries a bit more on things they would never have tried if my husband was still here. At the finish I had to say something because I felt it was disrespectful to both me and my husband. They sulked a bit then complied.
Perhaps grief makes us over-think things. I know our son sometimes makes me feel as if I am the child and all that is missing is him patting me on the head. I frequently leave his house and cry all the way home in the car, sometimes screaming at my husband for putting me in this position.
Perhaps his mum can help bridge the gap. As I said before he loves you and hopefully this can easily be mended.
Take care.
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Dear @Sheila26
I hope it can be mended, it will impact on so many relationships if it can’t be fixed. Damned grief just has so much power, I am not fit to wrestle it constantly.
If only your son could see you as you leave, weeping. Have we changed or have they?
M
Dear Maigret
How are you today?
Unfortunately in my case I know grief has certainly changed me. I am no longer able to do a single thing and be trusted. My head is constantly muddled, frightened and confused. I cry at the most stupid things now. I don’t care where I cry either - supermarket, car park - in all honesty sometimes I just want the world to know how much pain I am in. The reality is people just continue walking on by and this just makes it worse.
Our son has had so much to deal with. His eldest had three life-saving operations when he was born and it was so traumatic only for him to then have to deal with loosing his dad - all within a 12 month period.
I am sitting waiting for the Coroner’s verdict today. Have been told I can then ring for death certificates. That is all my life has become now. I just need to do everything possible to protect our kids and grandsons from anymore harm.
Take care.
So sorry Sheila - my thoughts are with you today. I don’t know when I will hear from the Coroner’s - all the waiting is horrible, isn’t it? Sending hugs
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Dear Jules4
I know it is not something we want to do, but I had to chase up the Coroner only to find they had misplaced the report on my husband. They found it fairly quickly and it is only that which has brought the inquest forward otherwise it was going to be later in the year which would have been in excess of 12 months.
Fed up of hearing people telling me that once it is over I can move forward. There is only a big black hole staring back at me at the moment and every day I just seem to fall deeper into it.
I hope that eventually you get some answers to your questions. I was told too much information on the day my husband died by the Police. They are so used to these things and I have fed this back to them. I don’t think some of their comments helped either myself or our son on the day.
Thinking of you.
Dear @Sheila26
My thoughts are very much with you today as you deal with such a heartbreaking thing. Grief just keeps topping up that bowl, to overspill at the drop of a hat.
I hope you manage to get through the day, I know it will be so very hard.
I am still in bed at 11.17, no reason to get up today till therapist meet at 5pm.
I’m going to tell her all, she’ll probably get me committed.
Take care x
M