I've been trying so hard, but I can't keep going

Hello. Wondering if anyone has any advice on this: I’ve been trying so hard to keep busy since my partner died on 19th February but I am now just so exhausted by it all. I don’t mean ‘needing sleep’ exhausted but utterly fed up having to try. I am so lonely in my own company and the only person who can fill that hole is no longer here. I am lucky to be able to see friends and family, and the distraction does help for a while, but there’s no escaping how dreadful I feel. Has anyone else felt that they hit a brick wall and didn’t want to go on, and, if so, what have you done to get through it?

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I know what you mean by exhausted.

When at my lowest my cat kept me going as I had to get up and feed her and then shop so I had food in. It made me start the day. I now plan some time at home to do nothing but it has taken me 3 years to not excessively reach for company. No matter how lovely friends are, it just doesn’t help the lonely feeling. I don’t have the answer to the lonely feeling but just to get a balanced week planned with a mixture of social and time for yourself will help with the exhaustion. Apparently exhaustion is a feeling linked to grief so give yourself permission to wallow when you have time at home as you need to let the grief out somehow.

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Thank you @Newsh000z
I think I am ‘excessively reaching for company’ and it is interesting that you say it took you 3 years not to do that! May I ask how you are now?

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I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

I have very few friends and a small amount of family, no children, no siblings. Most family live in a different part of the country.
Also, as many of you have probably experienced so many people have fallen by the wayside. I think as many are of a similar age or older I am reminder of what is in store for them. As the vast majority consists of married couples. I can’t blame them for not wanting to think about what will happen one day.

Before Covid we were really quite sociable and had quite a few friends.
However, lockdowns and Covid changed all that.
We were together and that was fine with us.
We were very cautious due to medical issues. So we did not go back to our normal activities. So I can also if some do not feel such a strong connection.

He was so concerned I would catch Covid.

He was such a lovely, gentle and caring man.

Now, I strongly believe I have and he isn’t here.
He really was so worried I would catch it.
That somehow makes catching it more sad.
So of course, that has brought me lower.

Others things have gone wrong, I won’t bore you but just say it has put so much more pressure on me.

I really have had enough.

I have just phoned Samaritans. I think the man I spoke to was a very young man. He was lovely but I don’t think he had dealt with bereavement. He did his absolute best and it was good to talk to someone.

I won’t go on as that is enough depressing comments.

I sincerely hope you are all having a better day.

You are in my thoughts and I send you all lots of love.

Thank you letting me share my pitiful tale with you,

Rose xx

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Hi @KMS1 I lost mine on 1st February and I have been out socialising since a week after he went. His and my friends have all rallied round, inviting me out to join in with things as usual. Sometimes it’s been very hard and I’ve had to go to the toilets to cry for a minute. Last weekend I was out Friday and Saturday and then Saturday night. Now I’ve put the brakes on and cleared my diary for a couple of weeks. I need to rest, languish in this feeling of despair, for a while. I think we need to take time out now and again, but not too much, but it does need to be acknowledged. Often I’m out and I want be home, and vice versa.
I don’t think I’ve helped you, but hopefully you’ll know that you aren’t alone.

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Hi rose. Sound like you are having a really bad day. Me too.
It’s just so awful that we haven’t got our beloved husbands with us. They were the person who made our life worthwhile, made us happy and were always there for us in times of need - or happiness.
We are so early in this journey I think we have to expect days like this.
I went to my volunteering in the local community garden, did some planting etc, chatted to some folk I’ve met there, but I then needed to go shopping and the anxiety was huge and I just want for it all to stop.
But we can’t give up and we have to believe it will get better.
Let the feelings come - I believe it’s part of healing. Just keep on in there and keep posting on here.
Sending a huge hug and some strength to you. Xx

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I started off by trying to keep really busy and took up new activities to try fill my week as I was off work.
Then I hit a brick wall and was exactly as you say - so exhausted - mostly I think from always trying to hold it together whilst I was with others.
So then I tried to manage my days better and would only do one activity or see one person outside my family a day. That helped a bit but as times creeps on I find I don’t even want to do that. And I cry a lot easier.

I don’t get much time on my own to grieve as I have teenagers at home who need me 24/7 and think that makes it harder.
I just don’t want to see anyone any more - I think mainly because it upsets me to see others living their everyday lives when mine has completely stopped.
My counsellor said it’s ok and common to withdraw for a while from others but then I feel lonely and abandoned.
I am such a mess I don’t know what I want, so how anyone can support me I have no idea.
Not sure it’s much help but do know that you are not alone in feeling that loneliness without the one person you really want.
Xx

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Thank you @SadGirlfriend

When you say ‘Often I’m out and I want to be home, and vice versa’ that is my experience too.

I would be interested to know how you are over the couple of weeks when you have deliberately cleared your diary. I think I should take time out now and again as you suggest - I think I have been afraid of doing that because I just feel so sad when I am not distracted.

You have helped me by talking about what you are experiencing - thank you again.

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@roni52 - thanks for letting me know how you have been feeling. I wonder if I am heading down a similar path, with a need to withdraw for a while. This is so tough, isn’t it? It is helpful to know I’m not alone but I feel sad for anyone else going through this. Hugs to all.

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Dear @RoseGarden

Please share as much as you want on here. We are here for you, going through a similarly awful journey that we just don’t want to be on.

I have phoned the Samaritans too, and found that although they do not have the magic wand I wish for, they are very willing to offer a sympathetic ear. I do feel a bit better talking to people so I am glad you found it good to talk to them today.

I hope that tomorrow is a brighter day for you x

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It’s all so very sad isn’t it. I guess we all have to carry this grief with us until such time it becomes easier. We’re all in the same situation and no one knows what grief is until they go through it themselves. And it is the worst feeling in the world. I to have a cat, which gets me up in the morning without her I think I would of given up. Thinking of you all❣️

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Hi KMS,
It is early days for you yet.
My partner died in July 23 and I was in a fog for about 6 months.
I just try to keep busy which is more difficult when one is 80 and very stiff. I try and do something positive every day and have to go out in the car as I live in quite an isolated house. My best friend died 5 months before Ian which has not helped. This morning I went to an exercise class. Tomorrow I am having my hair done and looking round the charity shops in that town. Tomorrow evening I am going to a film show in the nearest town. Friday I am going to my daughter who lives 40 miles away and we are going to a BBQ and my sister-in-law who is older than I is meeting us there. Sunday I am going on a coach trip to a museum . I did have counselling which helped.
We have got to learn to live for ourselves which is difficult. Probably have not done it since our twenties. Good luck to you.XX

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And to you as well. We’re all Battling :balloon:

Hello Rose
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
Everything you say resonates with us in this club, none wanted to join.
I appreciate your honesty. It helps to know others are sharing these experiences. It is hard to keep making the effort.
It was brave to ring the Samaritians, good to find someone to talk to.
It is hard to get on the same page for people who have not lost a close partner. Try to keep connecting to someone. This space is good for sharing your thoughts with a supportive community.
June is a tough month for me with dates which matter. I have found it good to share it with others.
I hope you can relax a bit.
In my thoughts and prayers.
Batman x

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Thank you so much.

Your support and kind words are welcome and appreciated.

This site and everyone on it are so special.

It really does help to be honest and share feelings and challenges.

Also, to receive messages of support, understanding and compassion is so very.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,

Rose x

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Thank you @Jan44

I have not lived on my own before. My partner’s death coincided with my adult children flying the nest. I am therefore living alone but I have no doubt that I would still feel alone even if my children were here.

I think that trying to do something positive every day is something I will attempt too. Thank you for that suggestion.

Good luck to you too. It sounds as though you are a positive, proactive person, and I hope to follow in your footsteps as I did have that positive approach before my partner died. xx

I agree @Merchants - it is the worst feeling in the world. It is so difficult thinking that we have to let time pass before we can feel any better. I was used to living life to the full and now it feels like I am just doing things for the sake of doing things. I don’t have much enthusiasm for anything.

I am please you have a cat that keeps you going. Thinking of you too x

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I have recently found that I am happy to be at home alone, our home, where he will always be with me in my heart

I went from always needing to be out and with people, to realising that’s not what I need.
I hope I have found a balance between seeing friends and spending time alone.

I still cry daily. Sometimes more than others, but I don’t think that will ever stop.
I miss him so so much.
Just saying that makes me cry.

So at the moment I feel quite positive.
But as we know the grief is always there ready to rise up and bring you down again.

I know my life will never be the same, my heart is so broken that it can’t ever mend.
But I made a promise, a promise that I would be ok. I’m trying to fulfill that promise. But its so hard…

Love and hugs to everyone x

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@Liro - thanks for telling me how things are for you. I wonder if being happy when home alone will come to me at some point; at the moment, I think I am afraid of my own thoughts if I have too much time on my own.

I am glad you feel quite positive. As well as being pleased for you, that gives me hope. I made a promise to my partner too – that I would be OK – but I also told him that I would be heartbroken. Perhaps being heartbroken is OK at the moment.

Thanks again for sharing how you feel x

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Well we’re all in the same zone. Living a half life and weeping most of the time. Let’s all have a good day tomorrow , go for a walk. Read a lovely book. Play some music all with our loved ones in mind. My husband loved Bob Dylan so I play his music often, yes,i weep but hopefully things wil get better. My love didn’t want to leave me, he said sorry to me. His words. We’re Poor Babe. He knew he was going and apologised for leaving me. It’s all very sad. But tomorrow is another day and I hope I wake up happier🎈

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