I've been trying so hard, but I can't keep going

Losing a partner
21

Oh @KMS1

Its still very hard but I am so determined to do it for him. I’m trying so so hard

You will know when you’re ready, it just occurred to me suddenly one day last week.

I was beginning to think if I ignored it, it would go away. Unfortunately grief isn’t like that. It respects nobody
I think I’d spent to much time running away, staying with my sister, then my stepson. Other relatives wanting me to go stay with them. I know I’m lucky to have that sort of support.
But I wasn’t facing up to it
Then I realised I needed to have time at home to try to sort my head out, running away wasn’t helping.

And suddenly sometime last week I realised that I wanted to be at home, our home.

I know that grief is cruel and unpredictable so I will try not to be surprised if I hit a wall.
But I know that everyone on here will understand and will be there for me

Thankyou for listening x

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22

Yes, I think I am realising that I will have to stop trying to run away from it @Liro

Thank you for listening, and to everyone else on here too x

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23

Dear Rose I have only just seen your post and I am sorry you are having a dreadful day.
You have been so kind to me and encouraged me just to focus on one little thing- each hour, each day
I’m glad you called the Samaritans but it is difficult for others to understand our situation if they’ve never experienced it. I know you have little family but please keep posting on here. We understand your pain and are all here for you. We are your virtual family and friends and want to support you.
I hope you have a restful evening.
Sending love and support xx

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24

Oh Jody,

that is such a lovely thing to say.

It really means so much.

Thank you for responding and caring.

I feel a bit better tonight.

I know you and others on here understand the loss and emotional pain we are experiencing.

Sending you a very big hug and much love.

Take care,

Rose xx

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26

Big hugs to you too. I’m so glad you’ve replied. I was really concerned about you. Hope you sleep well :heart:

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28

Like you I don’t do social media but this site has kept me sane. I thought it was just me, but now I know I’m not losing it and feel supported.
I talk to my partner all the time so don’t think you’re crazy. Whatever gets you through the day.

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29

Thanks for your message back @blue766 and I’m glad this site is helping.
I also thought initially that this wasn’t my type of thing as I really hate social media but I started reading others stories and strangely found it helped me feel less alone in my grief.
I then took the plunge and posted and now I turn here when I am struggling.
I wonder if being honest and posting here isn’t a good thing, but I struggle to find others at my age (52) who really understand what I’m going through and I seem to need that validation, which only really comes from others who are going through the same journey.
It’s good that you are keeping busy with what makes the day ok. I’ve been trying to keep up with people but ended up just getting irritated with them ( not all their fault) so have only now a few folk who I keep in touch with as I think I need some distance in my grief. So if that distance from friends works for you at the moment then that is just fine. Do what’s right for you and they will be there when you feel more able to see them.
Use the supports you have - I also talk with my kids about their dad all the time - makes me feel that connection is still there.
Look after yourself and reach out when you need support. There’s always someone here who understands
Xx

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30

Liro, i fully understand how you feel. I used to hate being alone, but since my husbands death 4 years ago. I have learnt to love being on my own. I much prefer it now and i seem to pull my grief around me like a shawl. Im lucky because i have a daughter and son and new little baby. I never feel lonely but i just like being alone.

31

@RoseGarden I have only just seen your earlier post. I’m sad that you are having such a tough time at the moment. Its hard when you have few friends and family around for support, and I resonate with that completely. We had no children either, and most of the friends we had were really Jims and have now gone back to their own lives. You know that you can post on here at any time, and we will offer a listening ear.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day. I wish i could do more than send you a hug. You will get through this.

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32

Thank you.

That is so kind of you to contact me.

I really appreciate it.

This is a good site.

As you have seen you can write about how you feel, what you have experienced, what you re experiencing and more. People are supportive and kind.

I have read your post and understand.

Looking up at the sky and talking to your wife does not seem crazy to me. So many on here look up and talk those they love and miss.

We grieve in our own way and cope, or try to, in our own way.

We wonder if some feelings or actions are normal and then discover on here that others have had those feelings and done those things.

Please take care.

Rose

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33

Thank you so much for contacting me.
That is so kind.

Talking and sharing with others does help me.

I have phoned the Samaritans before.
The volunteers are such good listeners.
It can be a release to talk about all the thought and worries rushing around in your head.

Fingers crossed for a better day for you, me and all those suffering.

Sending a big hug.

Love,

Rose xx

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34

Dear @paeony ,

it is so kind of you to contact me.

Thank you.

Yes having few friends and family around is difficult. I can see you understand.

It is so good, and I am so grateful, to have people on this site who understand and are so kind and caring.

Your hug is gratefully received.

Sending you a hug.

Love,

Rose xx

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35

Good morning Rose

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

How are you feeling this morning?

Sending a big hug xx

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36

Good morning Jody,

thank you so much for thinking of me.
I know you understand and your experiences are very similar to mine.

I woke up about 5 minutes ago.

I managed to get about 6 hours sleep.
Which is good for me.

Covid wise I don’t feel very good.

Emotionally, I don’t know yet.

Like many people, I wake up and wait to find out whether I feel positive or not.

I hope it will be positive, so that’s good and hopefully a sign!!

How are you?

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I don’t know if nice weather helps you.
It is sunny here.

I really appreciate you contacting me when I know you find mornings challenging.

Thank you for the hug!

There is a big virtual hug being sent your way.

Love,

Rose xx

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37

Thank you Rose :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
I’m glad you managed to get some sleep. It will help you cope if you are rested.
The sun is out here too and things always seem better when the sun shines.
Just do what you have to today and no more.
Grief is exhausting.
Sincerely wishing you a better day today xx

38

Hello everyone,

first of all thank you for all the wonderful messages and support!!

Physically I’m not very well.

I am also peeved that the weather has been so good since I’ve been ill :wink::slightly_frowning_face: S*ds law I suppose.

Emotionally and mentally I have obviously taken quite a few steps backwards.

We know this happens but it still can take you totally by surprise.
It can also make the dreadful journey we are on seem much longer and tougher.

This is true for me but I feel a bit of determination and hope appearing. Your support has definitely played a part in that!!

Please, feel good about yourselves that at a difficult and painful time for you, you reached out, cared for and supported another person who was struggling. That is a wonderful thing to do.

I want to assure you I am not the ‘goody two shoes’ that I must sound like on here.

I am just someone who understands pain, depression, anxiety and loss.

I also prize kindness and caring, two things my husband had in abundance. Yes, I’m crying.
I’m also very soppy.

I still ask why? I think most of do.

It doesn’t make any sense does it. I don’t think it ever will.

Anyway, I’m getting maudlin.

I will try to have the best day I can and I wish the same for all of you.

To show I am definitely not a goody two shoes,
I am also waiting for some b*#g%r to mess it up :wink::wink:

As always love and hugs,

Rose :rose: xx

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39

I’m trying so hard to be like I was a week ago for the sake of my family I’m dragging everyone down with me. It’s 1 week tomorrow since Pete my soulmate for 40 years passed unexpectedly, still no conclusion yet of how he died. Went a little walk today for fresh air but palpitations on the way and feeling sick on way back ! Won’t be leaving house tomorrow. I feel like what’s the point of me now, I have loving family but I’m sure they won’t be able to cope with my grief forever, what’s next

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40

@Jallyo I am so sorry to hear about your Pete. Everything will be so raw, and all I can suggest is that you take things hour by hour, and focus on taking care of yourself. I am sure your loving family will want to look after you, even in their own grief, so let them do that. This is not the time to worry about dragging everyone down with you. It is very early days. Baby steps… Sending you a big hug. Please post on here whenever you want because we understand how painful this is x

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41

So sorry to hear of your sudden loss - it will be so painful at the moment and possibly feel not quite real.
Don’t worry about dragging people down - I’m sure your family will want to support you and you should let them do that as much as they can.
Try not to think too far into the future at the moment - you just need to focus on getting through each day and looking after yourself. Make sure you try get some rest, eat well and don’t be too hard on yourself.
The anxiety you described when going out is so common after loss and will pass - getting out of the house will be helpful going forward so maybe just try a small walk out with someone who can support you.
Keep checking in here - is a lifeline to many and there will be lots of support for you I’m sure. Xxxx

42

@Jallyo ,

so very sorry.

I agree with @KMS1 and @roni52 .

You can always post here. It is very supportive, people understand, people have experienced what you are going through.

Sending a very big hug.

Love Rose xx