I've lost my dad to Covid-19 and am beyond broken

My dad fell ill in February, and was in hospital for a fortnight, came home, became poorly again and got re admitted a fortnight after coming home. His illness was not life threatening but was rare and he was receiving treatment, but he got put on the respiratory ward (illness was nothing to do with respiratory) but I guess it was the only bed. He got discharged rather fast a fortnight later, before he was expected to leave, and my son brought him home, in hindsight this was because they’d had corona patients confirmed - this was the start of the terrible virus in our hospital. When home he began to feel like he was getting a cold, then he started to get a bad chest and a cough, anyway to cut a long story short, he was taken to hospital again and tested this time for corona, which was positive. He was put on oxygen but became very poorly and within a week, passed away. This has been a huge shock, a terrible time, and my mum had it too as he passed it to her but amazingly she has recovered, and we are eternally grateful. I’m absolutely heart broken to lose my dad like this, it wasn’t his time it’s so cruel. I feel like my world has ended, he was my hero, the heartbeat in our family, we were so close, and to have him ripped away like this has destroyed my life. I know things will never be the same, he was all alone, we weren’t able to see him, be with him, I wasn’t able to see mum after or during all this, it’s devastating for the family and I’m heartbroken he died without any of us there. How on earth do you ever begin to live with this, I can’t function. I just want to curl up and die myself. I can’t, I have a family to see to, but nothing matters as all I can think about is my poor, sweet, lovely, dad, how much I want to hug him right now and look into his big brown eyes and tell him we love him xx But I never can, and it hurts me so much.

Hi TCT
I am 10 months from losing my dad suddenly - passed in his sleep out of nowhere.
I know how you are feeling and what it takes to get back some semblance of reality. The thoughts that nothing has meaning and the pain of grief is immense. I couldnt eat for several months. Here is what I did because, like you, I have a family to care for:
Talked to people - got lots of perspectives and advice. This might not be possible with covid.
Took time to myself whenever possible - this is the biggest help because I could not deal with all of the facets of life in full capacity so I downsized my responsibilities wherever possible - even small things like getting the kids breakfast or spending time with family after dinner were cut. I boiled it down to the minimum that I could handle. Whatever that may mean for you. Grief is mentally and physically draining.
I am sorry for what happened to your dad and the stress and sadness on you, your mom, and the rest of your family.
Ell

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So sorry for your loss.
I lost mum and dad to covid last month. Dad died exactly 2 weeks after mum.
It’s heartbreaking. I have a 5 year old who forces me to get up each day but I still feel like I’m walking through concrete.
I’ve been told it will get better.

Hi Zoe
That is heartbreaking truly. I am so sorry for your losses.
Ell

Hi @TCT
I wanted to reach out and welcome you to the online community, thank you for sharing how you are feeling. On behalf of Sue Ryder, we are here to support in any way we can.
I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your dad to this awful, awful virus and that you weren’t able to see him while he was sick. Life can be very cruel. Sending love during this tough time.

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Thank you so much EllDubs, I’m really sorry you suffered the loss of your father too. I really appreciate your advice, although you’re right, Covid restrictions are making life hard to do anything, the little things you mention about everyday life at home are very helpful - I tend to go hour by hour, some hours are harder than others, I try to keep busy yet some hours I feel like I could sleep for a week, and yet I’m not a sleepy person normally. When night time comes of course I can’t sleep! Flashbacks of the terrible week leading up to that terrible call in the night are with me every night, and then I must fall asleep eventually but when I wake up I double check it’s all not a nightmare, but sadly, it’s real, and the dreaded day starts again.

Oh Zoez, I’m so very sorry my heart goes out to you - it’s truly a terrible experience, I’m still half in disbelief I understand your walking through concrete quote. I believe there should be specialist support for the bereaved from this, so many families like ours needing help to get through, it’s like nothing we could have ever imagined, I died that day too and I’ve no clue how to get back. I know nothing I say will make you feel any better, but know I am thinking of you and am sending a huge hug xx

My experience was the same as yours. Super sleepy because grief is exhausting. Waking up and re-remembering. As horrible as you feel now, some how, I dont know exactly how, over time, it dulls to where you can function and eventually laugh and feel normal. Its a journey.
Thank you for your kind words.
Ell

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Thank you for your kind words PinkFlamingo, I appreciate them. I am a very lost soul right now, my dad was my world and that world was cruelly ended by this dreadful virus, my life feels ruined and pointless just now, even with a family of my own I find it hard to function. Can’t get all the bad things from out of my head, I hope in time this will change, but right now they’re very foremost in my mind. Over and over and over again non stop.

Hi TCT
How is your mom doing?
Ell

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Thank you for your kind words of encouragement EllDubs, it’s good to know that in time, things will dull, although in these early days it’s hard to imagine they will. I only lost my maternal grandmother a short time ago, and although her natural passing was a huge shock and unbelievably sad to me at the time, it is not at all comparable with this. The passing in these circumstances is horrific, my dad hated being on his own so thinking of him dying with none of us there in the week before is excruciating to me. I was prepared to go and be with him, but he went before I could, and this will haunt me forever. We did so much together, he was always there for all of us, this was the thing I’d have been able to do for him, be with him at the end, let him know we were there and loved him, it’s heartbreaking. He was my absolute hero. My mum is being incredible at the moment, she is recovered, thank goodness, but I worry about her being alone, we all keep in touch as much as we can, it’s such a terrible time right now.

TcT
So sorry for your loss and under such devastating circumstances. Please be reassured that your dad knew how much you loved him so was not alone because that love surrounded him. The early days of grief are exhausting both mentally and physically and we relive those last memories over and over again. It will lessen over time but gradually. When we experience trauma we are in shock whilst our mind tries to make sense of it all. We could not control anything and replaying events is our way of trying to gain some sense of control. Allow yourself to grieve and offer no resistance. Eventually you will arrive at a place of acceptance. Grief never goes away you just learn to adapt to it and recognise grief is the outpouring of all the love for your dad. Take it hour, by hour and then day by day. Don’t rush it, don’t deny it and don’t fight it. Look after you because that is what your dad would want for you

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Hello LynT

Oh thank you so much for your lovely message, it is just how I feel, you make a lot of sense. I can just get lost for about 30 seconds in something, but then BOOM, the ton of bricks where it hits you again, and that waking up in the morning and hoping it was all a nightmare, but it isn’t. It’s dad’s funeral tomorrow so I’m very anxious tonight, it’s going to be a hard day, even now I can’t believe I’m typing ‘dad’s funeral’ it seems like it’s all happening to someone else. I’m realising that the excruciating pain is the price you pay for the love he gave me, he was the most loving father ever, I shall be forever his little girl and he will always be my hero. Thank you so much again, your message brought me huge comfort xxxxx

Hi there TCT, I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad from Covid-19 on the 1st of April he was only 48. He had no health issues so it was completely unexpected. He was taken by the ambulance only as a precaution becuase of his high temperate but only a few hours after getting there he was told by his doctors he only had hours to live unless he agrees to go on a ventilator. My dad was understandably scared and wanted someone to be with him but given these circumstances none of us could be with him. He was put on a ventilator during the night so I haddent been able to tell him I loved him or given him some support. The last time I spoke to my dad was on text messages where he was just getting tested for the caronavirus. Less than a week later I received a call and he was gone. It was a huge shock and though it does get easier day by day I have some bad days. I have never really gone through the loss of anyone untill my dad. I wish I had longer. He didnt deserve this and no one does. The lock down does make things worse as we cant come together as a family to deal with this. Everyone has to deal with this alone. I take comfort knowing he isnt suffering now and is at peace.

Hannah
I’m so sorry to read about the sudden loss of your dad. I am 49 and what has happened to somebody my own age is awful. My mum died very suddenly aged 74 and I feel she was too young. Luckily she had a sudden brain haemorrhage and was completely unaware passing away very quickly.
Keep taking each day as it comes and reach out to your friends and family.
You will still be in shock at such an awful event so font be hard on yourself at all.
Cheryl x

Hi TCT
My dad died on the 10th of April in hospital 2 days after testing positive from covid 19 and it was so sudden, my heart is with you,my dad was my everything and sometimes I’m just trying not to break in a million pieces.
Tree

Hello TCT
I feel desperately your pain, lost my mum to covid 25/4 and so difficult to come to terms that she was on her own at the most vulnerable time in her life.
Your Dad would have known you loved him & that this whole situation is out of all our control.
I’m trying to focus on lovely memories and not dwell on ifs & buts as torturing myself with those thoughts!
The thought of her cremation on Thursday coming I’m terrified off, she deserved so much more not just 10 people, but on the plus side a big memorial later down the line we will give her. The main thing is not too be hard on yourself and talk to family and friends, I think writing on here is a big help also.
Take care lovely x

Hi Hannahn
I’m sorry for your loss of your dad. What a shock that must have been. My only advice would be to take each day as it comes, you’ll have good days and bad days.
I lost my dad after a short illness and he was 54 when he died. He was my best friend and the one I went to for everything. The pain eases over time, but I will always have an empty space in my heart for him. I think about him everyday and it was nearly 8 years ago that he passed away.
Take care of yourself, it’s easy to forget to at a time of grief.
Welcome to the community, I hope you find comfort from others here. It’s a wonderful and supportive forum.

Hello TCT
How are you? How did you cope with your dad’s funeral?
The anticipation is awful and the actual funeral itself I think we glide through it numbly as nothing in this world can prepare us for this day, let alone accept it. Our heart and mind push it away as It is just not real to us and it’s like it’s not happening to us. After this day the reality very slowly sinks in and we have to learn to adapt. This is the hard part because all we can do from here is accept it. Before this acceptance even begins, we fight it, we resist it, our emotions are wrung out to dry. It is a very dark and distressing sometime but I can assure you there suddenly appears a glimmer of light. This is the light your dad gifted you in preparing you for this time in life when he knew he would have to leave. You will shift towards this light very slowly and everything will begin to grow again. You will go through all your emotions, a million questions, turmoil, your world as you know it will never be the same BUT one day you will smile, you will look in the mirror and see your dad within you and you will hear him and see him with more clarity than you ever thought you could because you are part of him forever and his love resides in your heart and soul and has never left you. Only his physical body left. Let it all unravel and your life will become more beautiful than you could ever imagine x

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Hello Tree1

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve too lost your beloved Dad, I know the feeling you describe, I too feel like someone has reached inside me and ripped my heart out and smashed it into a million pieces. My Dad was my world, I feel completely lost at the moment, even with my family here, I’m going round in a daze and my head feels like it full of wool xx Sending you hugest Hugs, please keep in touch if it helps to talk to someone who’s going through the same xxx