I've lost my dad to Covid-19 and am beyond broken

Thank you and same to you.i find myself at dad’s grave most days laying next to him and playing songs he like,I feel close to him there xx

Hello Hannahn,

Oh my lovely, I’m devastated for you. I know exactly how you feel the text messages are all I have left too, I keep re reading them, I’ve done it again and again, I remember checking my phone the day after I’d received them, every 2 minutes to see if he’s read anymore - but no, he never read anymore again. I can’t get the fact that he was all alone out of my head and how scared he must have been, we are all traumatised by this aren’t we, I would have gone to be with my dad at the end if I could just so he knew we were there, I take comfort in knowing that the last thing I told him was that we all loved him, and the last text he read said the same - but at the moment i feel completely shattered like I’ve died too, my dad was my most treasured everything. Sending you huge hugs do keep in touch if it would help to talk to someone going through the same xxx

Tree1,

We must do all we can for comfort at this time, I can’t wait to get dad’s ashes back for a hug, to be close to him again <3 xx Huge hugs to you <3 xx

Hi I hope that you are ok, I understand how you are feeling I lost my mum in April to this awful brutal covid 19…

Hi @Karenc123, I noticed this was your first post, so I just wanted to say I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your mum to Covid 19. Your loss is so recent, many people say at this stage it is best to take things day by day, or even hour by hour. It’s important to have outlets for your emotions, so I’m glad that you have found this site. I hope it helps even a tiny bit to see that you aren’t alone in what you’re going through.

You’ve replied to a conversation where there a number of other people with similar losses, so hopefully some of them will get back to you soon. Just to let you know, you can also start a new conversation yourself, which can sometimes prompt more replies.

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Hi, thank you so much for responding… Its a it difficult to write alot at the moment to be honest my head is everywhere and just very angry at the hospital…
Thank you for your kind words and I hope you are ok too xxx

Hello Karenc123 xx I’m so sorry to hear you’ve lost you mum, I understand the feelings you describe I can’t concentrate on anything I’m just plodding through every day thinking, no it can’t be true, and then someone comes and smacks me with a shovel and I know then it is. I am very angry with the hospital too, I know this has happened to so, so many - a place they should have been kept safe but were not, so many lives ruined. Please do keep in touch if it helps xx Hugs xx

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Hello LynT, Thank you so much for your lovely post. I thought I’d be very upset to see my dad’s coffin draw up in the hearse at my mums, but in actual fact, I was not too bad. I don’t know it was like he was close to us again and we hadn’t seen him all the time he was ill in hospital. The service was really lovely and the people who did it were so gentle and respectful it was very comforting. At the end though I broke my heart, I wanted to be strong for my mum but I couldn’t do it, I kept thinking be strong be strong but I just wailed like a baby. At the moment I think I feel worse than just after he died, I think maybe the shock numbed the pain a little for a while, but reality is hitting me hard at the moment. I still walk round dazed thinking, no it’s not real, then my stomach lunges and I realise it is. I think grieving in lockdown is really hard, if it was a normal time my mum and I could go and have a nosy at say the garden centre and just take a break for a while, but at the moment we’re all split up and struggling on the best we can, and it’s hard. If I ever felt troubled or anything he would be the one I’d talk to, and to think I’ll never be able to do that again hurts so much, but like you say I will learn to adapt in time and I will have to accept the situation because it is what it is. Deep breaths xx Thank you again for your lovely post, brought a tear but was beautiful xx

Hi, it’s a comfort to know that someone understands how this trauma has affected the families of the covid souls… I was disgusted with the disregard of these beautiful people who have lost their lives, I don’t know about you but I won’t let them be forgotten…
I am here for you anytime… Big hugs to everyone and a hug to you lyn xxxx

Karenc123, I know, I have been astounded at how there has been a total disregard for these treasured lost loved ones and their grieving families. I already started to take steps to make people realise these are real people behind this statistic numbers, it’s truly shocking to see how many families just like ours are suffering this heartbreak xx I may not get anywhere, but i’ve tried and it’s giving me something to concentrate on a bit xx

Hi, I hope you are ok… Omg I thought that to about how the families have no support, its awful… Its so traumatic and as I worked for the NHS for a long time I’m disgusted.
If you would like to contact me and ifs it’s aloud on it would be great because maybe we can get strength from each other and make all our amazing relatives the reconigition and respect they deserve… Big hugs to you and keep strong if we can mend our broken hearts with getting them justice we can but try [edited by admin]…

Dear TCT, I am truly sorry about the loss of your dear father and the trauma you and your family have suffered as a result of this horrid and cruel virus. I also applaud your intention to make sure that the victims of it are acknowledged as so much more than statistics.
From my own experience, it’s a very lonely and exhausting process. When my husband died suddenly last November it elicited no reaction whatsoever from anyone involved in his care both in the a&e department and by our part time GP. He became another middle aged cardiac statistic. The fact his death certificate gives an incorrect cause of death has never rung alarm bells. Trying to address this issue with the powers that be is proving to be an uphill battle. We have written to the hospital chief executive, the patient liaison service our MP and the MP whose constituency covers the hospital. We have been assigned a case number but to date nothing has been forthcoming. From the time of his death the attitude has been these things happen, get over it and get on with life!!
So much was wrong with how my husband was cared for before and after death but no-one who could give us answers has been willing to help. Like you, I will never accept he has become a statistic and will continue to battle on.
I am thinking of you and wishing you strength.x

I know Karenc123, it breaks my heart that a lot have picked this up in places they had no choice but to be in, and they should have been kept safe. They went before their time and the trauma for those left behind is unbearable, I don’t feel I will ever recover from this, at the moment my world has completely stopped. I’m taking each day hour by hour but they are hard to get through xx It’s like they’ve gone in a massive disaster, well I suppose it is really. Sending you hugs back lovely xxx

Hello Jobar x Thank you so much for your kind words, I’m sorry you lost your dear husband so tragically, and for how he and you have been treated x My poor dad was treated terribly by the hospital both times he was in this year, I think this makes it all feel worse, the last 2 months of his life were awful for him. Then to catch this while he was there the second time, I’m glad he came home after because he and my mum had the last fortnight together before going back in with the pneumonia which it turns to, although he did give it to my mum too I’m very lucky to still have her here. I know we will probably get nowhere, but it’s giving me a little bit of something to concentrate on, I know for a fact that I am by far not alone in how I feel about what has happened to them all, in fact story after story is just like reading your own one over again. Yes we must battle on in their honour - I wish you every success and send you much strength back and a hug too xxx

Dear Zoez, I just read your post…to lose both parents to Covid. I am so so sorry. I lost my Dad to Covid on 23/4/20 and the pain is just something else. His death is the most painful thing that ever happened to me. I will be thinking about you as you go through these losses. You take care x

Hi LynT, your comment really touched me…thank you x

I lost my dad aged 54 (no underlying health conditions) to Covid on May 6th. He went into hospital on April 3rd and was put on a vent on April 5th. We were never told he was being put on a vent so didn’t really get a proper goodbye. He was then fighting constantly for over a month on and off of sedation but never fully awake. In the end the virus put two holes in his lungs as well as kidney failure and he just couldn’t fight any longer. The hardest sentence I have ever heard was ‘we are no longer supporting life but just stopping him from dying’ and I will never forget the dread I felt in that moment. I was very lucky as the hospital allowed us to PPE up and go on the covid ward to say goodbye briefly while they turned off his machines. But losing someone so suddenly like this isn’t normal and I’m really struggling. I always try to be the strong one and hold it together but I’m just falling to pieces. It really helps reading all your stories to know we are not alone in feeling this way and there are others struggling in this bizarre situation just as much as i am. Love and strength to you all. Thanks for reading, this was rather therapeutic writing this all down.

Dear Amberjane95, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad died of Covid in a Care Home on 23/4/20. It is so very painful and so shocking. I found this Forum to be very supportive and comforting. Thinking of you. Rachel x

Hello Amberjane95, I’m so sorry to hear you lost your lovely dad, I understand fully what you say and how you feel, to lose our dads this way is cruel and so traumatic, I feel totally destroyed. It’s been a little over 6 weeks for me yet still doesn’t seem real, I think because we never got to see him and didn’t hear from him for the last 5 days of his life, we had the calls from the hospital, it was the worst time EVER. We were SO close, always! I am struggling too, some days I’m not so bad but other days it’s life a wave of grief tsunami comes and takes over, I really didn’t think my precious and most iconic hero would end up like he did, and it hurts so bad. Please, please know you aren’t on your own, sending you hugest hugs, do keep in touch if it helps xxx

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Dear TCT, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad died of Covid, in a Care Home. I was in full ppe and with him for his last week and when he died. It was a traumatic week and very painful but I am so glad that the Care Home allowed me in - to be with him and I just slept on the floor of his room. My heart breaks for you, coming to terms with someone you love, dying and it not being possible for you to be there. The Death is agony but this must make it more agonising. I am so very sorry and I will be thinking about you. Rachel x