Just the simple things we so took for granted...

Looking to the future
#1

Just having another cry as i relive in my mind what i would give just to see my Richard walking back towards our front door with our then three fur-babies, our dogs, the loves of my life, while he was swinging a loaf of bread, yes in our village back in Bedfordshire we had a bakers and Richard oftwn would pop in and bring home a loaf of freshly baked bread…I would be sitting upstairs, his bedroom at the computer which was in front of his bedroom window so often would see him and the dogs walking towards our front door, what i would give to go back to our house and relive this all over again…Then there was the once a month Sunday markets when sometimes i would nip out with him for an hour, if just for the short car ride journey to Woburn…I am still picturing the same spot we often managed to park our car, we were often lucky to get the same spot…I would give anything to go back to those days, freeze time…this just breaks my hart that what we once took so much for granted are just the things we would now give anything to see - do once again…

Jackie…

#2

I would give anything to hear mums voice. To see her face at my front door and she would throw her arms open wide and we would hug. She would hand over a bag full of cakes and sweets for the kids come in and make a cup of tea. My heart splits in two to think I’ll never kiss her soft cheek or hug her. I’ll never hear her say anything ever again. Life is pretty cruel

#3

Jules…
…if only we could go back to these days and appreciate them as we should have done, instead as we do, take these every day and regular things for granted…I know i did…we just never expect time to move on and these every day occurrences to end…

#4

I know it sounds silly. But I never ever thought that one day any time soon she would die. I know I was lucky to have her for so long I’m 45. But it’s not about that. It’s the searing pain in my heart for what she went through to her painful absence. I wish I had known how ill she was so I would have rushed back sooner and had more time with her and hugged her tighter and harder. I read through our old texts and wish I had said I love you more in them. Even though she wasn’t lovey dovey like that. I told her far more that I loved her than she said to me. It just wasn’t her way. But she showed it in simple ways that I sometimes didn’t see or appreciate at the time.

#5

Jooles,

I’m in so much pain every second of every day over losing mum. But do you know what?
In 48 years mum never told me she loved me. Mum would have died for me and being a mum was all she ever wanted. I think it’s a generational thing as I make a point of telling my daughter every day how much I love her. We weren’t a lovey, dovey family and I would have been mortified if mum said she loved me. Our mums knew how much we loved them by the things we did for them and the way we worried about them. I have thought about your wish to see your mum just for 5 more minutes and I have decided I dont want that. I couldn’t take the pain of losing her again so I just have to live with this until life shines again xc

#6

Oh Cheryl your right to see them one more time and never see them again is too much. I sat and studied her hands and face intently in the hospital to commit all her features to memory I held her hand knowing it would be the last time and I still never understood the pain and magnitude of her loss until she had gone. I don’t think anyone can envisage that pain until it’s here. I tell my kids 20 times a day I love them. It is a generational thing. I’m ashamed to say I’m a needy person who loves affection and expressions of love so it was hard at times that I didn’t get that. But I did accept that was just my parents way. I knew they loved me, but they had never said I love you, however when my best friends mum died tragically in a car accident 25 years ago. I became the one who started saying it all the time. And they started to reciprocate. It definitely opened us up a bit.

#7

That’s sad. I wish I could know when life will get better for us joules. This is such a painful life now. At 48, I feel that I’m just existing x

#8

Jules - C…
I too wish i could turn back the clock and tell my Richard face to face that " i do love you "…now of course i am telling him - saying this to him all the time…h too was not a one to say this to me but he so cared about me and he knew i cared about him…I am now left with so much guilt - so much hurt of rather the horrible - nasty things i did say to him, and the torment of what i never said to him, the things i am regretting i never said, or rater the things, the opposite things i had led him to believe that are not true, are not my true feelings, now of course it is too late to tell him my true feelings face to face, this is something that will always torment me for the rest of my short life ( i am 68 ) he was 74…this is something i now have to live with that i never told him i love him, well it is only now he is gone i am realising just how much i loved - love him…

Jackie…

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#9

Mum and I were not normally vocal about saying ‘I love you’. In her last week, we had unfortunately argued. We’d sort of made up, but a atmosphere sort hung over us a little bit. Perhaps, my mother did not notice an atmosphere she was always swift to forgive. My last words to her before she suddenly declined where kind. I was trying to help here relax. She went to hug me, but changed her mind as she had a severe chest infection and did not want to give it too me. I just wish I’d hugged her. My final sentence to her was a quiet “I love you”, as I walked away. To which she gave a half smile. It was rather unusual for me to say those words. The truth is i thought the world of her. I’d been her carer for over 20 years. Some sort of pride or something silly stopped me from saying what a wonderful friend and mother she’d been. We were two peas in a pod. It’s truly dreadful the pain we are all in. As the first post says. Just to do the simple things we took for granted. To sit at a table and eat a soup together or to just look out onto a garden together on a sunny day. I’m in my early 50’s mum passed away at 74. Somehow, I’m going to have get over this loss, so I can enjoy the last quarter of my life. I have to believe I’m going to see Mum again in some form. My mother was not in the state I’m in when she lost her mother. I am a changed women. I feel like I’ve been thrown into the sea. I’m lost, there are huge waves and huge emotions. Someone, said to me yesterday ‘your coping with this much better than I thought you would’. I presenting a normal face, but inside there is an emotional battle going on. Thank you for listening.

#10

Hi daffy,

I’m 48 and mum was 74.
On the day of her mini stroke I kept telling her there was something wrong but she told me to stop treating her poke a child and go to work.
I stormed out of the door and slammed it behind me. Later that night my partner wouldn’t take no for an answer, bundled her to a and e and they found a mini stroke. Thank god mum lived another 11 days because in that time I looked after her, cooked her meals, ran around getting anything she wanted and sat and watched TV with her. If it wasnt for that lovely week I would be feeling even more depressed.
I hate it when people say ooh you are coping well. What do they know?!
I have to get up, run a house, look after a child, keep the washing under control, do the gardening etc.
However I’m in absolute misery. I gave cried every day for 19 weeks and spend every waking moment wondering if there is anything we could have done? Why didnt I see the signs? Why did my lovely mim have to leave me?
I dont even think I will live to mums age the way I feel.
My mum wasnt like this about her mum either but my nan was 91 and we were worried about her. Mine was 74 and a highly functioning woman x

#11

I was getting frustrated with mum for not going for her X-ray and sent her a text message telling her off and to get the X-ray. I then called her a couple of days before she collapsed and she said she couldn’t talk as she was coughing. I thought she was avoiding me. But we had a short but nice text conversation. When she collapsed I drove 5 hours back straight away and I’m glad I got that week in hospital with her. I looked after her, hugged her but not properly because of her bad back. I told her I loved her. Said everything I needed to say. But it want enough. I wasn’t there when she was at home struggling with her back. We thought it was a slipped disc or pulled muscle. Although I actually thought it was her spine and it was fractured and why I was pushing her for an X-ray. Every day I question everything I said or did. Everyday day I cry my eyes out. Every day is harder than the day before

#12

I agree joules but I think what is clear is that none of us should feel guilty. We should feel traumatised sorry for ourselves, very down etc but not guilty.
We all did so much for our mums. They were surrounded by a team of doctors and they couldn’t be saved. My mum had her brain hemorrhage in front of a surgeon, a doctor, a nurse and an anesthetist and they still couldn’t save her.
What is learnt is that medicine isn’t magic and none of us were even medically trained.

#13

It’s a nightmare. My mind is all over the place. Housework! Just emptying the bins and doing the laundry seems hard. I love gardening but unfortunately dust is beginning to gather in the house. I can imagine it must of been a terrible shock to have a highly functioning mum pass away early.

#14

The above response was to C1971. I still haven’t quite got used to this messaging system.

#15

My mum was tucked away in a corner of the hospital behind a screen. I left her with breathing problems. Two hours later she had a massive heart attack. I wasn’t with her when it happened. I’ve no idea how long it took them to find her like that, as she was not connected up to anything which might have given them an alarm. No idea if she suffered, was scared or even just fell into a nice sleep. Not a clue. On-line i read that a surgeon said that a massive heart attack was one of the best ways to go, so even though the brought her back after 8 minutes I have to focus on the positive, as the negative could drive me crazy. I regret not instituting they take a look at her breathing, but I was unwell myself.

#16

There is some comfort in the fact that we all have regrets and feel guilty. There are things we wished we’d done and said. Our loved ones would tell us that only the love mattered and they most certainly would not want us to make ourselves ill.

#17

Hi daffy, I am a but further on than you. Mum died 19 weeks ago and I was pretty useless for a couple of months. I only went back to work 3 weeks ago and I’m still so much slower and less able to concentrate than I used to be x

#18

The one comfort I have is that they both passed away quickly and didnt know they were dying. My dad had a massive heart attack and we were told that dad wouldn’t have known a thing so I dont believe your mum would have done either.
Of course this didnt help our pain but hopefully in time we may be comforted that they didnt suffer.
Nature has been kind to them, just cruel to us x

#19

I’m going to allow myself time to adjust. And then I’ll have to find some work. They do say that grieve is the most traumatic thing one has to face. My body feels shocked so my moto at the moment is “gently does it.”

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#20

Dear Jooles
Words are cheap it is what is in your heart that counts. I am sure your mum knew that you loved her, by the way, you treated and looked after her. x x

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