I discovered yet another one of grief’s lessons over this Xmas period, the total lack of knowledge and general empathy/understanding of grief from other people and their response/attitude to grief.
I chose to spend Xmas alone for several reasons, I am heartbroken, miss the love of my life and don’t wish to add to impacting others, what I didn’t account for was the way people view/respond to my grief. These are my findings…
They change the subject
They think I should be feeling better (hoping I don’t tell them the reality of what I truly feel)
They wish to deny the elephant in the room
They are glad they are not me
They feel uncomfortable as they don’t want to understand anyone’s heartbreak or pain
They are in denial that god forbid it could ever happen to them
They think poor you, I am happy and enjoying life and it will never happen to me
They use your grief as a way of having a good moan about their own lives…equals you tell me your problems and you are going to hear mine
They are invincible, it won’t ever happen to them
They think the sooner you move on the less they have to hear about it
They have no clue this could ever happen to them
They avoid because they don’t want their little world disturbed
They don’t have empathy they feel good they don’t feel this bad
They don’t feel we have the right to feel heartbroken
The message to us is this is your journey not ours so please get on with it quietly and we will accredit you with being the bravest person on the planet
Grief is like the flu, noone wants to catch It
This is an excellent list! My observations in total agreement. I would add the following:
They did not understand or believe that you loved your partner as much as you did in the first place.
That was a nasty one that I had thrown at me.
@Sarlyn couldnt have put it better myself. I’ve been asked a few times if I had a good Christmas? I’m like seriously I’m 15 weeks in since losing the love of my life. Sometimes I don’t care if I don’t wake up the next morning and you ask me a question like that. It literally takes for a person to go through it to feel our pain. There is no way to describe how hard this pain is.
Hi, I just think people really don’t understand unless it has happend to them , but even me saying that , a widow ( hate that word) I worked with , who I thought would understand and I opened up to, telling her I just want to be with my husband , said " it might be he doesn’t want me now " I can’t tell you how heartbroken that comment made me feel , so I just kept my thoughts to myself xtake carex
That list is so true. I confess that I didn’t understand grief until I lost my wife, and now that I do I sort of understand why we shy away from the sheer horror of it. I too chose to spend Christmas alone. Being with couples is so hard in normal times, even worse at this time of year, and I don’t want to pretend I’m ok. I’ve also eliminated birthdays, wedding anniversaries etc from my life, I’ve no-one to celebrate the event with. I still get invited, but now I’ve stopped with the excuses and just say that “Thankyou for the invite, but I won’t be there” – they’ll probably stop inviting me soon which is ok too.
@Broken2222 i also hate that word!! I still want to be called a wife. People are so awful, I’m struggling being in work but have to be there. A few customers have commented on me looking miserable, like how rude is that! Who are they to judge!
Spot on @Sarlyn ! I hate the concept that i should be “feeling better” as if its just a nasty cold that i can recover fully from.
Yup I agree @Catrin1.
I got that from a member of my family. It’s been a challenge to move past that.
WTF @Broken2222!
What a ghastly thing to say to anyone! Impressed you did not hit them … but I guess you were just too shaken by such hideousness. x
@Helen24 , yes that’s very rude, no one knows what is going on in anyone’s life , so shouldn’t make comments like that . Last year after Xmas holidays when I went back to work , one person asked if I had a lovely Xmas .I just said it came and it went , as I walked away I heard her say misery . And this is people that know my husband / my life died. Unbelievable. Xtake carex
Oh yeh !! Brilliant ! you got it spot on !!! Xxx
@JerryH yes WTF ( that did make me smile ) maybe I should of said that to them , but at the time the tears were welling up . And of course that thought had been put in my mind .But I know my husband will always want me , like I will always want and need him . Thank you for the smile xtake carex
I didnt understand it either but you know if it had been a sister i wouldve been right beside her to support her even if i didnt get it ! Do people even try to understand ?,i don’t think they do ! They’re either too lazy or in denial ? Xx
Mmm … i feel.like i keep having to convince people how much i actually loved my husband ! Why ? Why do i need to ? He knew … what the hell it got to do with anyone else anyway !!!
Nasty comment indeed though ! Why were you actually married then ??? Just for top show !!!
Listen to this one then. I was in supermsrket near me and i mustve looked miserable and as i went past this woman started singing ,- if your happy snd you know it clap your hands ! How i didnt hit her i dont know but i just stood there and stared at her ! If that ever happens again they won’t grt away with it !- they will get a gobful !
Definitely another WTF! moment.
Wow ! Oh what an awful thing to say ! The b***h xx
@Deb5 , I know I did go on a bit at work thinking they would understand, especially the widow ( hate that word) but obviously not. Xtake carex