Hello, I too noticed that. It’s 3 months yesterday since my dad died suddenly & totally unexpected. Initially we were surrounded by people & texts of support & love but that’s now stopped & I feel very much alone x x
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@ClarePx sorry for your loss. I don’t know if people don’t know what to say or feel we should be over it but yeah they don’t seem to be around.
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Thank you . Brian26…
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Yes it does impact my thoughts on mortality too. Like you I’d never thought much about it before losing my wife.
It’s definitely made me think that the rest of my life is downhill from here.
I’ll probably downsise the house sometime in the future, but as a couple that’s something you could look positively engage with, but it’s a completely different proposition on your own.
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Yeh i agree - everything is so much harder by yourself isnt it ? Decisions about your home etc 
i think i want to move but no idea where to and also … i like that my husband memory is in this house but equally i wanna get away too ! I dont like the "widow"tag that i feel i now have around here its just so hard by yourself isnt it ? Xx
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Hi DEB5, many people have asked me if I will move. I have supportive friends around me and although it’s a large house for one I feel I’m in the right place. Take each day as it comes and dont make any quick decisions until you are happy with them. Good luck.
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Hi Carly,
You should find that the counselling helps, it was what i needed. The reassurance of knowing that all these terrible emotions, anger and jealousy are natural and due to grief- doesnt make it any easier though.
It is now 4mths since i lost my wife at the age of 54 to heart failure- strong mind, but a body and all the day to day frustration it brought her.
I feel that there is more light emerging from that dark tunnel, despite the loneliness. You keep on going, cos that is what they would want us to do . Keep the memories alive as you live another.
Today I planted a Morocan daisy in our garden, Hilary loved daisies- not just the plant!. Im starting back to work this Friday, another hurdle to overcome, but I know she will be there looking down on me. Whilst I miss so much, all those cuddles in bed, her urn proudly sits on her bedside unit- a daily reminder of a love lost and a life now turned upside down.
Take care, Russell
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So sorry for your loss RussellE and thank you for your kind words of support.
It will be 6 months on the 26th of May since Terry left me and my two brilliant sons, they have been great but are also suffering . It helps they have wives and children to keep them strong and deal with this most awful grief that i could never have imagined .
But they are my saving grace:pray: , them and my 4 grandchildren . 
Its true what they say , nobody has any idea what it is like till you actually walk in those shoes .
As you say, the emotions are terrible to deal with , i have actually pulled my hair and hit myself with just not knowing how to deal with it.
Terry and I did everything together, i was 17 and he was 20 when we first met,so we would have been 51yrs together now had he lived .
He suffered for 18 months with non hodgkins high grade lymphoma, had 5 months of chemotherapy treatment , had a scan , we were told it had reduced by 50 %, but 2 months later another scan revealed it had come back , this time more aggressively, tried a different chemotherapy treatment, but he developed sepsis , recovered from that, had another scan, the treatment hadn’t worked and it had spread to his throat along with kidney failure and lost mobility.
Told us they could do nothing more , Terry was taken off all his treatments , we were told it was now terminal ,he died a week later.
His funeral was a week before Christmas, which he always loved 
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@Carly so sorry that you are going through this awful journey. Life is so unfair and cruel. I lost my husband suddenly at Christmas. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday I got a phone call from my 22 year old son to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home my husband was gone. I did CPR on him. So trumatic. He was 53 years old. We had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We got no closure and no answers. Feel so guilty over some things as never noticed how ill he was. Really hate this new life which I wasn’t prepared for. I want my old life back where I was happy. All our future plans and dreams have gone. I often slapped my face when I got angry. I went councelling and they suggested to wear elastic band round my wrist and give it a ping if I feel the need to slap myself. I do find it works. Sometimes I give myself a big old ping. I’m glad that you have your family. Take care and big hugs xx
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It sounds as if Terry had a long time fighting the lymphoma which must have been so hard for him but also for you. It’s like a switch back - days or weeks of hope that the treatment will work and then trying another treatment which seems to work for a while until finally the awful realisation that no more can be done. We too met at 17 and married at 22 growing closer and closer and changing together. You become like one person fitting together like a key in a lock so you feel part of each other. So it feels like purgatory to watch your other half suffering so much and there is nothing you can do to make him better again. My husband died of sepsis after a month in ICU last October and couldn’t communicate at all. All I could do near the end after the life support was halted , was giving him sips of whisky and holding his hand. So I sort of know how you felt when your partner died - as if you’ve been torn apart. I think we’re still suffering from a sort of PTSD as it was so traumatic and so we still can’t process that they have gone. With me it’s because his death was so unexpected but you had that long very stressful time of ups and downs. I’ve had two counselling sessions which are helping although I am just crying for most of the time! I try to remember that he would want me to be happy, though now that seems impossible. Also we did have over fifty years with our soul mates - so many on here were much younger. I just thought we would have twenty more years! We also both have children and grandchildren so our partners live on in them! I hold on to that!
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Hello Hazel.1966, so sorry for your loss, yes life is so cruel and unfair. Its my birthday next week, first one without Terry, no card telling me how much he loves me , and no present that he would be giving me .
They always say the f9irst time of all these celebrations are the worst, then in June it will be Father’s day, the first for my sons without their Dad 
.
Too many bittersweet memories 
at the moment.
I also hate this new life , its not me , its someone else, i dont recognise myself and feel completely lost without Terry.
I think of all plans we had as well which have been snatched away from us , friends and family are talking about going on holidays but I’m not and i am sorry to say i feel quire envious of them, i have never been a jealous person in my life , i always had a sprng in my step and was happy, now i’m just existing .
Hopefully i will be able to get some strength and understanding from the counselling when i eventually receive it.
I have been told about that elastic band , although i have not tried it myself , so its something i must do, its got to be better than slapping yourself .
Take care and thank your support in the most horrific times of our lives.
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@Carly yes I know what you mean as was meant to be going to Cyprus tomorrow with my husband and again in July with his best friend and wife which is my good friend. I lost my husband at Christmas and I found all of my unwrapped presents in the back room with a beautiful Christmas card for me unwritten which was so upsetting. My son and myself had our birthdays in march and just ignored them as my husband would of spoilt me. Father day is going to be 6 months since I lost my John. 
I do wonder why we got chosen to lead this awful life when you see other families living their lives. Just not fair. We could of had another 30 years together. Yes it is awful and I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. Take one hour at a time and my counselor said not to look into the future too much. Hard though. Really miss my funny handsome husband. Take care my lovely xx
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Hello SkyeGardener , so sorry on the loss of your husband . Unbeknown to us, Terry was mot diagnosed until January 2022, his tumour was 8 cms and his consultant said it had probably been growing since March 2021, but he had also been diagnosed with BAM , a very little known disease, Bile Acid Malapsorbtion, which hid the symptoms of his lymphoma, we put his loss of weight down to this ?
So if we had of known sooner maybe things might have been different ,but yes we were given a lot of false hope also.
When applying for the counselling i was told i probability was suffering post traumatic stress from all the ups and downs that came with his treatment and i still have awful flashbacks .
Terry also was admitted to hospital in October 2022 with sepsis and was very ill with it but he fought it off , but the cancer continued to grow even more chemotherapy until his poor body could take no more. He put up such a fight in wanting to live and not wanting to leave me on my own.
I thought the same , We could have had at least another 10 /15 yrs left together .
As you say , we have our children and grandchildren , thank goodness for them
Please take care of yourself and thank you for your support at this most awful time in our lives
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@Carly @Hazel.1966 and everyone else on this post. Living alone is so hard, ive never lived alone, married at 18 and together 51 years. Pete had his cardiac arrest on 2nd April and died on 8th April. I know its early days but this physical pain is so hard. I take some hope from this forum, but yesterday i picked up 3 of my granddaughters from school yesterday, something we did together. I cried silently when i cooked their tea, expecting him to walk in. I went straight to bed after they left and watched mindless tv until i could sleep. This is the pattern of my life.
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Hello Everyone
I have been reading all your msgs.
They are all saying what i am feeling.
Ken was being treated for arthritis, waiting for a new hip and had lost a lot of weight, but was told that was all part of his condition.
In July 2022, he was diagnosed with Osophageal Cancer and a month and a day after that, he was gone.
I know he trued so hard to carry on and was so very courageous, never complaining.
I long to hear him telling me that I am doing ok and that he loves me.
The lady who mentioned putting her cold feet on to her husbands, made me sad, but i smiled, because that was just what i used to do.
I am working and gave such lovely family and friends, but being without my love, who looked after me for over 50 years, is just so very hard.
I am trying each day to make Ken proud of me, because he always was.
Sending my love to you all.
Namaste 
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@Freefaller sorry for your loss. It’s all the little things isn’t it? I try to do things that used to bring us pleasure (like spending time with our grandchildren) but now it makes me sad and emphasises how much I miss him
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I am in the same position but do like to be with other people. I know this can not always be the case and I hope I can be like Nigel and cope with being more on my own in the future.
Thank you so much for your reply - what a terrible time you had. It’s good to know that others are feeling the same - it really helps. I’ve wondered whether my husband gave up fighting the sepsis when he overheard a nurse say to me that he would be disabled for the rest of his life and would need to go into a nursing home on Skye so he would have felt that he he would be a burden to me. Apparently the quality of life after sepsis is very poor and 40% of survivors die within two years. The consultants said afterwards that he might have had some underlying condition which they hadn’t found. That gives me some consolation as he was so fit and active and would have hated being disabled.
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@Maggie5 yes me too. Absolutely hate being on my own now. Especially in the house, it feels so empty & quiet
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Folks,
When im feeling really low, i think about all the pain my wife was enduring and how much of it she kept from me and the brave smile she put on. Its those reminders that keep me from going to a dark place. Looking at all her medication in the drawer, she was taking 24 tablets alone in the morning for heart failure and related conditions- There are times that i dont think i realised how ill she was until she passed away peacefully her sleep aged 54. I should have known that 6wks in hospital was a sign- i will just live with the remorse and knowing she is finally at peace gives comfort.This keeps me going, one day at a time. We all have had our lives turned upside down.
Take care, Russell
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