Dear Sam12, Bun/Jules, AB, Teacups, and “Hi Mel”,
I too have suffered my entire life with a bullying, cruel and vindictive older sister. Like what Mel describes, my older sister also did everything she could to torment my younger sister and I through our mum’s horrific illness and death. After she got “her share” and more, she cut us off for 6 years, until she indirectly learned my beloved younger sister had cancer. She stepped up for a few months (out of guilt), but then returned to her usual mean self right after my sister died. I am her only target now, and she already disrupted my grief with her constant mind games. Now the only time I hear from her is when it is about “money.” I have prayed for her, and forgiven her over & over, and like Sam12 I am also exhausted. I miss the loving, loyal and true relationship I had with my younger sister. I grieve my sweet sister and what we had, and strange as it sounds, I also grieve for the relationship I realize I can never have with my other sibling. So essentially I am now an “only child” alone in the world. Like Mel said, it is so sad we have to go through such turmoil with those who should be there for us in our time of need. I feel for you all. Xx Sister2
Hi Debz-I think the Tumbler Account is a splendid idea. I too try to distract myself with work, but that is not always successful. I find I resent the fact I have to put on the “mask” around other people. The book “it is okay that you are not okay” is helping me to assert my “right to grieve.” We must not let others dictate how we should feel, or place a time limit on our pain. I count the days too, and I cannot stand that so much time is coming between us. I just want to go back to the day before the nightmare and undo it all!!
Dear A B,
Thank you for message. I’m so sorry you had to face a similar thing and sorry for your loss. It’s so hard trying to get through. People forget how much kindness and support can really help perk someone up. It’s horrible when the family isn’t there because it’s natural to gravitate toward them, for me anyway perhaps for you. But when there is a void due to lack of support it feels like another loss…as though one wasn’t bad enough.
I’m really pleased to hear your friends have been there for you! Makes the world of difference! Sadly mine come out with- I would not burden anyone with how you are feeling (This friend only gave me 5mins to speak in which she made this statement). Another said I don’t have the time and I don’t care. Delightful- thanks.
I have this site and everyone has been more supportive than any physical person in my life.
Take care too
Sam
Hi Mel,
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. It’s awful watching someone deteriorate in-front of you. I like you am so glad to have this forum, it’s what gets me though the day and helps me function.
You sounds like you have regained control and don’t let your sister dictate how it will be. It give me hope and encouragement that you have broken away from her and in a much happier place!! I really am happy for you, it took strength and I’m sure it wasn’t an easy road but you are in a better place and quite frankly safer.
I really felt that I could relate to you when reading your post. I seem to be going through the same motions. My sister bully’s me and has done through out my entire life! The insults are familiar to me, my sister also pulls faces, sticks up the middle finger, mimics me. By the way she is 53 yrs old. I am the youngest. Thing is my brother also hates me but doesn’t life at home whereas I do.
I’m the same, it’s taken me to the darkest places. I’m so exhausted, it’s been full on since dad passed. My siblings have not done a great deal in the grand scheme of things. It was all left to me and of course for my dad I will makes sure all is done correctly.
I’m on a journey, learning and accepting things will not change. I do not have a family anymore. Mum never supports me or acknowledges my actions or pain of loosing dad. My sister and brother only put me down, make judgments and assumptions. They resent me. I also think I would be happier away from my siblings. I do not ever want to open that door to them again.
I am distancing myself from all of them. Mum I make minor small talk with otherwise I say away from harm. These people are only DNA, my real and only family member dad, died…that’s it. I have to buck up and face the world on my own and boy is it scary!!
Not only am I processing the traumatic loss but I have this extra madness with the family.
I can’t express how much I relate to what you are saying. For me I need to find a job, find a place to live and make good friends, have activities that I can join in and enjoy, find help to process my dad passing.
Tomorrow is my birthday (I don’t care for birthdays) but this is the first one without dad. No one has stopped to ask how I feel…it’s business as usual. I can hear my dad asking what I would want for my birthday because he doesn’t know what to get me and me replying with it’s fine dad, nothing…don’t worry. He would always get me a card. I’ve kept all of them. I got one out so I can have it with me tomorrow…just his touching his handwriting. I’m sorry…I don’t know where this is all coming from. I just feel quite emotional at the moment.
Thank you very much for sharing your story.
Sam
Hi Sister2,
Thank you for sharing, I can’t believe how many people are going through similar things and also how supportive we are of one another!!
I think you put it well- disrupted your grief. I’ve been trying to find ways of saying the same thing. That is exactly what my sister has and is doing. She lasted 8-12wks before the real her came back. It’s only 25 wk yesterday since dad passed. I actually counted the weeks…
I don’t know why your sister and mine feel the need to torment us. I tell you what I don’t understand- what do they gain from this? I thought it was the satisfaction of breaking me but I don’t know. It’s emotional abuse…
It makes sense, grieving for the sister who is being mean for you, the relationship you may not have. It’s exactly how I feel. I lost dad but I feel I lost my sister too and my brother and mum. Exactly- on your own in the world…it’s what I just said on another post. It’s scary.
Your younger sister and you had a lovely close bond. I can only imagine the pain of loosing someone like that. I really hope things improve for you and you protect yourself from your older sister. I forgive mine over and over but after dad passed it’s another ball game, never will I let her back in my world.
I don’t understand why people treat others like this.
Thankfully we have this forum and like I’ve said, without I would be lost. It’s the kindness, support and knowing we are not alone that gets me though.
You take care xx
Hi everyone
I’ve just read the whole of this thread and I just feel so sad to hear that on top of the horrendous grief you are all going through, you also have bullying and emotional abuse to cope with. I so wish i could say or do something to help. I think Mel’s mantra of reminding yourself that this will pass and there will be a different time with different circumstances could be really beneficial. Grieving is so, so hard and so much harder when you don’t have support, or even worse, when someone is going out of their way to hurt or destroy you. None of you should have to deal with that, you all deserve love, patience, kindness and understanding. Here for you all with friendship and kindest regards. Debs x
HI Debs,
Thank you or your kind support, it means a lot. I agree, grief is bad enough and then top it off with this is beyond. I just get stuck on why and what does someone gain from this? The family dynamics were bad to start with but amplified after dad passed, now it’s just full on attack mode. Dad could see the what was going on. He told me to pretend I didn’t have a brother or sister because I will always feel hurt and let down. They can not and will not care, support or love me. He is right, the more I want it the more I will be hurt.
I have to detach, distance and never let them back into my world.
I like Mel’s mantra. I keep reciting ‘I can do this’ each time I struggle to carry on…I just feel so exhausted and now my only ticket out of this mess is a job and then I can afford my own base. I’m unsure If I’m strong enough to do something in my normal line as it’s a lot of responsibility. I try to keep pushing myself, protection mode…perhaps I put myself under so much pressure.
All i hear is mum and my sister getting on having fun, laughing, cooking together, eating together etc. I just live in my bedroom…easy to think I was a kid but I’m far from it. I leave them to it…
Thank you for sharing and simply being there to reply!
xx
Sam12,
I am so so sorry that you have not had the support from your friends. I am quite speechless to be honest.
But on this site you dont have to feel like your a burden and there are many people here that will listen to you. Just because we may never meet each other does not mean that we do not have the ability to care for you.
Hi A B,
Thank you…
This site has really helped and the people on it have been more supportive than my friends and family- that alone speaks volumes!
This is true and very sweet. I feel like it’s a delicate balance between the sudden passing of dad and the family dynamics.
Everyone has made me feel welcome and been brave to share their story. Sometimes knowing you are not alone and others have been through things that a similar and the way they coped actually helps.
Thanks you for your understanding!
x
Hi Sam
Just read your message and want you to know I will be thinking of you tomorrow on your birthday. I know it is not going to be an easy day for you so take it in very small chunks, hours or even half hours if easier. I know it sounds a bit silly but buy yourself a little present for yourself from your Dad: it does seem to help a bit. How lovely that you have kept the cards your Dad sent to you. I have kept one from each of my parents so I don’t forget their handwriting.
I understand how you feel about not appearing to have a family anymore, I feel I am now on my own as well. I have an aunt and only a few cousins who have no idea what I have gone through with my sister. I don’t discuss her behaviour with any of them. Not though any misguided sense of loyalty but because I think she will trip herself up in the end with no help from me.
Like yours my sister has been a problem for many years. The usual sibling nonsense when we were young which I think was jealousy of a younger sister. I can only assume this continued under the surface when we grew up and came out when Mum became ill. I have been called horrible names including being a parasite and a laughing stock. She does the pulling faces trick too. Making a new life for myself has been a necessity for me. It is not easy some days, I don’t know many people where I am living but anything is better than how it was before.
Something I found very helpful when my sister was really awful was to go to bed with a hot water bottle. Having something warm to cuddle made a huge difference to me when I was really low. I also still sleep with one of Mum’s handkerchiefs under the pillow. Has been washed many times now but is still something of her and I like knowing it is there.
It is so good that you are thinking of a new job and finding somewhere new to live. When you can just walk away from everything. It will be difficult but so much better in the end.
Mel
Xx
Hi Sam
I remember a counsellor once saying to me, stop trying to rationalise with irrational people. Sometimes we have to accept that no matter what we say, or do, some people will never hear us, understand us, or even care enough about us. When it’s family that is always so much harder to do, especially when we don’t have any other support network. We all need love and support. I’m so glad you are in contact with people on here. Allowing us to be there for you will help you to start loving yourself more, and care less for those who don’t treat you well. Talk to your Dad and ask him to help you get unstuck. Trust that he will be there giving you the same love and advice he always did. You will get stronger and you will live a happier life. Just one step at a time and with love and support from yourself and others.
Wishing you a brighter day.
Kindest regards
Debs xx
Hi Mel,
Thank you for your message and thinking of me. An old friend who I haven’t seen for a while came down to spend time with me. It was a surprise and I was really touched as he lives in an two hours away. It didn’t feel like a birthday, nothing feels the same after dad.
I did exactly what you said, broke the day down in manageable chunks. It was a distraction but of course I cried, spoke about dad- I don’t get to talk about him with the ‘family’. I even spoke a little about the night he passed. It was up and down.
I carried dad’s card with me all day and put it up later. I know what you mean about the handwriting and having something to take to bed, feeling like your mum is near. I do the same with my dad’s jumper.
Thank you for sharing, I might try the hot water bottle idea, who knows it might even help!
What you said about your sister sounds so familiar. I tried reaching out to extended family (we are not close) and they don’t understand but they know what my sister is like. I get the sense they are not interested so I need to shift my focus and work on me. I’ve decided this time next year I want to be in a better place. A place of my own, a good job (as soon as possible) a support network of good friends and try to do some activities that get me out. The loss will always be there, it’s never going to be easy but I need to distance myself from what isn’t positive.
What is it with the jealously?! Mine, is the same…and the name calling too. It’s strange because I would really like to get on but thinking back she has always been inconsistent and two faced, letting me down or trowing me under the bus and yet if she is nice I allow her back into my world only for a repeat of the antics.
You are where I want and need to take steps to be. You had to distance yourself from it all. I really empathise when you say it’s not easy. I feel scared. My friend said it’s exciting but I can’t see that. I also think where I move next may mean I don’t know people and that can be lonely. But I will have to make an effort to find cheap activities to do. I will move where ever the job is. Part of me doesn’t want to move from the house because it’s where dad lived and walked, touched things and it’s hard to let go.
I really appreciate your message and trying to feel more inspired through it all. You sound like your in a positive place than before and that’s what I want to aim for.
Thank you!! xx
It’s uncanny how similar your older sister acts.
Hi Debz,
Thank you for taking the time to message. You are sport on and thing is I know it but I keep getting stuck, it’s like a glitch and I can’t get over the hurdle. It’s hard to accept and that’s why it’s always a ‘why do they do this?’ and I can’t seem to move past and in the end it will hold me back. It’s good advice and I appreciate you reminding me.That’s the one- love and support! I don’t know why my sister and mum don’t recognise or acknowledge anything I do but my sister and brother always want to put me down and sadly it’s having an impact.
However I have had so many kind and supportive people taking time to share their experiences on this site. I really am grateful!!
You made me smile, I will carry on talking to dad. I really hope he can hear me. I’ve asked me for strength a few times when dealing with my sister. I wanted a sign yesterday that he was with me but I didn’t pick up on anything. It’s stupid but I wish I could see him again or hug him. I have to do the next best thing and keep talking to him.
Thank you for your encouragement and support!!
xx
Hi Sam-I am so glad you saw a friend on your first birthday without your dad. I relate to what you and Mel said about the precious “handwriting” on the cards from our loved ones. About three years after losing our Mum, I wanted to get something truly unique and special for my younger sister. I found a site called ESTY, and they design “Signature Jewelry.” I send a card with our mother’s writing on it and they embossed the “actual writing” onto an Angel Wing Necklace. My younger Sister was so touched to wear our Mum’s writing close to her heart. Now my sister has gone to be with our Mum, and the necklace came back to me. I thought I’d share that with you. My older sister continues her mind games, and could be related to yours and Mels, the actions are so similar. I continue to be questioned and accused of doing things I never did, and emailed constantly if I do not respond on her time. Nothing I say is right and any attempt to get along is on her terms, and short lived. The life long pattern continues and I just keep getting hurt and disappointed. She demands money left by my younger sister (to me). I have given her half of everything that was meant for me, just to “keep the peace.” But there is no thank you, nothing is ever enough. I am sad for all of us who must be further wounded in our grief. I hope I can be of some help to all of you, and I thank you for letting me express myself. We can support each other and that is so important.
Sister2
Hi Sister2,
You are a help, everyone who has taken time to reply has helped us all in the same boat, we have managed to relate to one another and through it some how supported and picked each other up, I think it’s amazing and really touched. Not only has everyone’s posts helped me but I think perhaps helped one another. No need to thank, put that aside 
That is so beautiful and what a sweet, thoughtful gift for your little sister! Something so scared to wear at all times. Etsy has so many unique and creative items. I can not understand why your older sister would hurt you in that way. I think you are the bigger person and done what you thought would appease her. Don’t give yourself a hard time. I wonder why they (my sister and yours) have the need to fabricate things. I find I can not get over it because it’s the sense of injustice. I hoenstely think imagine how strong we would be if in this time of grief we came together instead of further apart, imagine how stronger we would be! I even said that to my mum a few weeks ago and it was didn’t seem to register. I really feel for you!
Thank you, it was good to have a distraction. I found myself drifting of when my friend was talking and thinking about the things dad and I did together. I knew it wouldn’t feel like a birthday, it was expected. But I also asked dad to show me a sign he was with me and I didn’t pick up on anything, I was sad about that. I ended up walking with my friend to where dad’s ashes are at the funeral home and I guess it was the closet I could physically be to him, outside the home. Might sound a little nuts but I figured we were round the corner and I wanted to be near so to speak.
I’ve found myself speaking out aloud to him in my room today, I did think of Debz’s post…I asked dad for guidance, strength and his love.
I have to say I told my friend about the lovely people who had been there for me on this site. I really am grateful to everyone, you and everyone who has kindly posted have really done wonders and made this journey a little easier to manage.
Thank you,
xx
Hi Mel,
I forgot to add, I did treat myself in dad’s name…a haircut, silly but I remembered how dad would say my hair looked nice after picking me up from the hairdressers. I also had some sweet for a desert…dad would always get me chocolates or a cake. So I thought this is for you dad.
It didn’t sound silly, it made sense…In dads name! xx
Hi Sam
That is lovely and I am so glad you treated yourself. A haircut is always good as it makes you feel better. You may find your Dad will send you some sort of sign when you are least expecting it. When I was clearing Mum’s house and packing things up I was at a very low ebb. One day I had been emptying a cabinet of china and went to shut the door and heard something clicking on the glass. It was a pendant I had given Mum and thought she had lost. I had opened and shut that cabinet over several days and not seen or heard anything. I felt Mum was very close to me that day and willing me on in what I was doing. I did tell my sister as wanted to know if she had seen the pendant and got told I was a silly cow for my pains.
Sister2 that is such a lovely idea for a special piece of jewellery. I am going to look up that site and am glad you got the piece back. I am also sorry you are still having problems with your older sister wanting things. When we sold Mum’s house we both chose what we wanted And split the jewellery. My sister is now nagging for me to sell my half and split the money with her. That is not going to happen.
I have this idea that those of us with troublesome siblings could arrange for them all to be dumped on an island together. There they could bicker to their hearts content!
Mel
Hi Mel,
Oh wow, that’s such a comfort! Isn’t it strange how the world works. I think you are right, it was your mum watching over you and pushing you on. It’s uncanny that you had not seen the pendant before and yet you had been through the cabinet several times…and just when you need the most it appears! Your sister- it’s the same usual hymn sheet just like mine. At least you found the pendant and no one else!
Thank you, you are right- I just felt a little tidier, not the same tired person looking back in the mirror but a tad smarter.
You did make me smile- dumped on an island. Where can I book tickets! It should be a one of those survivor program, somewhere remote so they can learn to work as a team before being reintroduced to the main land.
I hope you have a good day, thanks for making me smile!
Sam
I’ve had a very difficult few days, I’m still really struggling to come to terms with my brothers death in April 2016, I’m one of four, 2 older brothers and a twin sister, we’ve always been really close. My eldest brother is now living in Sweden, he stayed for the weekend, to put his house on the market and sold his car etc, I’m finding it very difficult that he’s now so far away, it almost feels like another bereavement, I miss my brothers so much, it feels like all the joy has been sucked out of my life, I’ve been dealing with grief for so many years I wonder if it will ever end…
Hi Iced Bun
That must be very hard for you your brother moving abroad. I can quite see it must have reopened things for you. You are really lucky to have a lovely close relationship with your siblings and have their support. Does your twin sister live close to you for visits? Once your brother is settled maybe you can go and visit him.
Two years since the loss of your brother is not very long at all. It is not surprising that any change with your family dynamics must feel awful. You have a lovely user name which makes me smile whenever I see it on this forum. It shows what a great sense of humour you have and it is good you have retained it through such a sad time.
I hope things will feel less raw for you in the future.
Mel