Learning to cope but struggling

Coping with bereavement
41

Thank you Mel, yes I am lucky to have been blessed with such wonderful siblings, my mum suffered from severe depression and mental health problems and my dad was generally very angry with life so our childhood was often difficult, I’m sure that’s why we were so close, as one friend once put it we were our own little fan club, my siblings have always been my best friends, whenever anything bad happened we went into our protective bubble.
We’ve always shared a love of music and when our brother died I describe it as losing a band member, our music doesn’t work, we can’t play anymore…

My sister lives nearby which is great, in fact she’s moving in with me and my husband in a few weeks, we’ve both been struggling with our grief, my husband works long hours so sometimes I feel very lonely but it’s been especially difficult for her as she lives alone, my son is moving back home this weekend so the house will be full again.

I feel so sad for many people on this site who don’t have the support I do, I’ve suffered a lot of bereavements but I have a very understanding husband and a great relationship with my sister and my children, now I’m counting my blessings and feel much brighter. A trip to Sweden is in the pipeline and they are visiting in December for an early Christmas gathering.

Thanks so much for your message, love Jules. Xx

42

Hello Jules/Bun (I love the screen name “Iced Bun”), I am reading what you shared about the “Protective Bubble.” Growing up my older sister basically ran the house, we all tiptoed around her to avoid her violent outbursts. When she erupted (which she always did) my younger sister and I huddled together in another room, holding each other and our dog until we thought it was safe to come out. We continued protecting each other the rest of our lives, until the cancer took my younger sister in May of this year. The cancer was the one thing I could not protect her from, because in this case the danger did not pass, and for that I cry. You said you lost “a member of the band,” how well put. Interestingly, my sister and I also shared a love of music (our father was a professional musician). Isn’t it amazing how people on this site find so much in common? Yes you are blessed to have other siblings to be there for you. For me, sadly the remaining sibling cannot seem to let go of her anger and resentment, and it is toxic. Without my younger sister, my best friend through life is now gone and I am alone. Thank you for being here, this is a wonderful forum. Sister2

43

Hello Mel-I was moved by your story of the pendant, but sorry to hear of your sister’s unkind response. Yes, there are still financial issues related to my younger sister’s death, and now the older one is hovering around to make sure I give her what she “thinks” she is “entitled” to. I am just a money funnel for her. She goes from silent treatment, to somewhat civil, to viciously cruel (sound familiar?).
You do sound like you are standing your ground with your difficult sibling Mel. easier said than done. I am glad you are finding some peace in you own home where you can decide if and when to see or talk to your sister. I know your Mum is guiding you, and must be so proud of you for the strength you’ve shown. Oh and thank you for the laugh (I needed that) about putting our toxic siblings all together on an island. Splendid idea. Sister2

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So sorry for your pain Jules, Those “grief attacks” and difficult days come on so suddenly. Not easy with your brother so far off now. All of our losses add up and it can be overwhelming. (((Hugs)))) We are all here for you. Sister2

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Hi sister, I worry for you and others here who are struggling with profound grief and toxic family making a painful situation so much worse, I will never understand how cruel people can be towards those they should love and protect.
I wish I could be with you to give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder, I’m sure we could easily empty a box of tissues!
I will keep checking in to see how you are, thinking of you, sending love and light. Xxxx

46

Hi Jules,

At least you all get on which makes a massive difference. I’m sorry you lost one of your brothers and further away from the other. Whilst it’s not the same you have somewhere to visit and skype, facetime, whatsapp as much as you can in the breaks, that way it doesn’t feel like you are too far.

Be gentle with yourself.

Sam

47

Hi Sister2,

I relate so much to your story as you kinda know already. It’s like having a bully in the house and I live in fear to a certain degree. It’s quite silly but I second guess if something will be a trigger for my sister.

You had a horrid experience, hiding in your room. I really understand it and it broke my heart when I you said you couldn’t protect your sister from the cancer. You had an incredible bond with your little sister and I’m sure she treasured that as much as I can tell you do!

Although my sister is not violent she will say the most malicious, spiteful, resentful things, throw me under the bus than ensure she reverses over me 10 times along with her being two faced it’s like she sets me up to fall, then sits back with the popcorn and watches in delight!

I live in my bedroom to avoid her now. It’s ridiculous from a grown adult but she’s a large overwhelming negative entity and I don’t like being around her.

I agree it’s a wonderful forum, we have all found a way to support one another!
Thanks for sharing.

Sam

48

Dear Sam and Everyone Here, Just thinking of you and wondering how you are all getting on. 6 Months on the 3 of November since my beloved sister went to Heaven. I cannot believe it, and I want time to stop because I feel every month that goes by she is moving further away from this realm (and from me). Hoping you are all finding some solace, and less stress from your toxic family members. Sister2

49

Dear Sister2,

Thanks for reaching out, it’s good to hear from you. Time keeps moving so quickly. I never understood that before but now I have a baseline, when dad passed and it feels like the sand slipping away. I can imagine how you are feeling loosing your precious sister and time moving, you’re not alone…thinking the same thing. It’s strange, I was thinking the same…wondering if I will still be able to imagine his voice and the way he would reply to things or say.

How are things with your older sister? Has she been keeping away?

Same old here- my sister is still being toxic as ever, in fact taking over the family home as though she owns it. Mum says she can’t say anything to my sister but tries to school me all the time because I’m more reasonable and won’t get angry!? The constant criticism and isolation is wearing. If I take an item out the cupboard I never know how my sister wants me to put it back because she keeps changing everything. My sister is still slamming doors to shut me out the minute I leave a room. My mum just watches…however If I carried on like this, I would be ripped apart. It’s all imature and it’s taking away from dad and my grief. I found myself feeling angry at dad the other dad, but it was because he would never tell my sister to grow up- I mean she will be 53 in two weeks!

I can’t seem to relax. I feel like a stranger in my dad’s (family) home.

I tried talking to my mum about how their behaviour hurts me and she says it’s because I think about it too much, think about dad too much, it’s all in my head. My mum doesn’t want to deal with anything so long as my sister has a car and can drive mum around it’s fine and to hell with me. Everything I did to date is wiped out.

Been a bit flat lately…
Had two interviews in among all this…

Thanks for checking in and sharing x.

50

Hello Sam & Everyone, How dreadful for you Sam to be living in such an unsupportive environment. I would not survive under the same roof with my older sister, so my heart goes out to you. I grew up in the “War Zone” with her and she behaved much as your sister, only my sister was also physically violent (but any type of abuse is unacceptable). You must be feeling so alone in your grief, and being angry at your Dad over not limiting your sister is understandable. Your Mum seems to dismiss your feelings and not see how you are missing your dad, and need to be treated gently. We need to feel that our parents are protecting us, and if they cannot, then who can? But it sounds like you & your Dad were very close, and you must find a safe outlet for your grief. Sometimes we just have to accept that “family” will not be there for us (and in the case of so many here, our toxic sisters only make it worse). This forum is a private place to rant, vent, share, and express any emotions we may be experiencing, and know we will not be judged. We have the right to grieve in our own way. I will always listen and offer whatever support I can.
I hope your interviews went well. I think of all you, and send warm, healing thoughts. Xxx Sister2

51

Hi Sister2,

Thanks for reaching out. You had to cope with a lot with your older sister, sounds awful. I can’t imagine the abuse.
How are you been doing?

I’m beginning to feel my sister has snatched all of dad’s memories away from me. I am doubting a lot- I was close with dad and he cared, he was the only person who would make sure I was ok, care and love…but I am wondering if he really felt that way. Perhaps it was out of duty. Everything that is going on with the ‘family’ is making me doubt my memories and relationship with my dad.I am not processing the grief anymore, feels like my sister and mum’s toxicity has superseded any grief…it’s hard to describe.

I feel completely ostracized. Spot on, dismissed…I say something about how I feel and my mum acts like I’m driving her nuts and true to form makes it all about her by pretending to cry etc, so I then have to stop what I’m saying and take care of her…easy way to stop the conversation! Yesterday she was making plans to go to a musical with my sister. Then commented on how bad she feels and that it shouldn’t be like this, we should all be going…I’m thinking- clearly, it shows…she’s buying tickets to go with my sister the day after my sisters birthday. Why would she entertain it if she felt ‘so bad that it shouldn’t be like this’. I simply said abuse is love, you don’t care about me, you have two kids so go do things with your family! She then switches it on me that I’m saying hurtful things to her…this woman is clueless. Mother in name only.

My sister is trying to spoil any relationships I have…
Doesn’t seem like she’s leaving anytime soon. Mum keeps sayings I shouldn’t say this or that about my sister, yet my sister can say what she wants. She even took items out the house without my mum knowing then tried blaming it on me when I wasn’t even present during this. Mum of course says she can’t confront her or my sister will get angry and leave! My sister can do no wrong. Yet I seem to do everything wrong. I long to be around people who value me or genuine, good energy.

That’s right- acceptance…working towards it. I know thay will never change, care of love me. They will always hurt and abuse me.I need to protect myself but living in it watching the games is hard. If I wasn’t at home their actions wouldn’t hurt as much.

I can’t wait to leave, the more I try the further it seems it will be.
Thank you for remembering- Interviews were a disaster- two no’s. I have another this week, interview proactice…onwards and upwards. I can’t seem to be in a relaxed state to apply myself, it’s been full since the end of April.

Thank you for listening, it does help to have a place to vent and sound off. I’m tired of all this and it’s hard to remain upbeat and positive all day everyday.

Let me know how you are doing…thinking of you too.

Hugs xxx