I’ve not posted anything for a while as I’ve just been “getting on with things” in my own way.
The one thing that I am struggling to come to terms with is when is it the “right” time to make a start on disposing of Sandra’s clothes and things…“disposing of…” it just sounds so clinical and disrespectful but I’m sure that people will know what I mean.
I lost Sandra in late July 2021 so I’ve been through the first Christmas and New Year which were incredibly tough.
Now that we’re into the New Year I feel as though I need to move on in some ways but at the same time remain firmly rooted in the past…a past that I know that I can not change…and a past that I know that Sandra wouldn’t want me to dwell on; but dwell I do on a daily basis.
We had big plans to do work on the house this year which I have started, but not without guilt!
The one thing that’s so difficult to deal with is the guilt in packing Sandra’s things away.
Some will be kept, some will go to charity and some will just be thrown out.
Am I being disrespectful? Am I acting too soon? I feel as if I’m eradicating Sandra’s memory even though she will remain in my heart for ever.
Clothes have been left exactly where she left them. Clothes that she hadn’t worn for years.
I know that Sandra would be nagging me to “just bin them”! but I cant!
I’d like to know how everyone else has coped with what I sometimes see as eradicating the memory of someone I loved so dearly.
Hello stewin, I lost my mum last july. For me that was one of the hardest things, having to sort through mum’s clothes and belongings. I have kept a couple of mums blouses, they are hanging in my spare room. I remember her wearing them. I found it too upsetting to get rid of them all, and in a strange way I find it sort of comforting seeing them them there. No one should feel guilty about getting rid of , or keeping a loved ones belongings. I think what ever feels right for you
I read somewhere that it’s best to wait at least a year before deciding to get rid of personal possessions. That way one is perhaps less likely to make mistakes.
My husband passed just over 8 weeks ago, so I know it’s not long compared to others. I’ve hung his clothes up, still washed the ones that were in the linen basket, ironed them and tided his wardrobe, it looks like he’s coming home to it. My point is, I have got rid of a few things, things he never wore. I agree jasmine. I don’t think there is a right or wrong, it’s what you feel. I have friends who have lost their husband and some have kept everything and others have got rid of almost everything. You need to do what suits you, don’t put yourself under any pressure either way x
Hello to you both and Jasmine your are right, there is no guilt were grieving is concerned. There’s no right or wrong, just when it feels right for you. You don’t have to ‘eradicate’ everything. I still have a jumper at the side of the bed and no way would I part with it or the tie in the wardrobe, silly but they are staying. Do what is right for you each day but please have a large box of tissues on the side waiting, S xx
I lost my mum in December so I’m not ready to sort out mum’s things yet. Not even touched her hospital bag yet. But I have moved a few things so nothing gets damaged but I felt guilty just doing that. I guess no time is the right time to do the job of going through a loved ones things.
Hi I lost my husband early august and I am just thinking what should I do about his clothes in the last week, I’ve kept everything the same up to now but I don’t know if it’s healthy to hang on to it all, it’s a quandary, I feel a bit confused and guilty because it’s like moving on but I know in my heart that actually I will have to deal with it however painful at some point but maybe it’s like everything else I think about it but don’t actually do anything for a while and does it matter anyway, just thought I’d share that I have had similar thoughts and I think it’s ok to wonder, thinking of everyone tonight xx
I lost my husband in April 21. It has been the hardest time and still is. I have packed all the paperwork from his job. Sixteen years of it There are twenty boxes I don’t really know how I got through it. I miss him so much. X
Hi Nel
April last year was when I lost my husband. I’ve not touched many things of his. His wardrobe is just the same and dressing down on the back our bedroom door. Having to deal with all the paperwork and household stuff was a nightmare and like you his paperwork is packed away. No idea when I’ll deal with his personal stuff but I’m sure I’ll
know when the time is right.
I know Georgina I felt quite overwhelmed just dealing with the paperwork. I now have a roomful of bin bags of stuff to go through. H was a bit of a hoarder. My strategy is to give to charity all things he never wore. Let his daughter take what she wants and I will then sort out the rest. The trouble is she does not want to let anything go. . I can understand but I am keeping the special things and letting go of the rest.
Wow how do I feel ? I have never experienced such pain in all life despite losing my mum, dad, sister and her daughter, my niece at the age of 30. So I have had much heartache in my life but nothing like the loss of John. My saviour has been my two sons and four grandchildren. They lost their dad and grandad and I’ve kept going because of them. Am I moving forward ? Perhaps baby steps but the fun loving person I was before, I fear will never return. I try to keep busy. I try to swim regularly and volunteer at a local community hub/food bank as much for my benefit as theirs. On my dark days I have to force myself as sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and die - but what would that solve ?
Nothing so i plod on day after day. I know I am so lucky to have such a supportive family and friends that have gone the extra mile to include me in their plans which I will be forever grateful but the pain never leaves me. Like an empty hollow feeling like a huge part of me is missing - which it is what it is. When you have shared to your life with someone for close to 50 years and suddenly they have gone part of you dies as well.
I’ll carry on as long as I’m able to supporting my
lovely family the way John would have wanted me to. That’s all I can do for him now.
Hi . I totally know how you feel.I lost my husband in 2019 and still hold on to some of his clothes. I just can’t get rid of them at the moment and that’s nearly 3yrs on? But I did give away about 9 bags to The British Heart Foundation after he passed. And you are not being disrespectful to Sandra.
I feel your pain at not being able to touch your mum’s hospital bag. I’m the same when it comes to Sandra’s. I initially thought that she had lost her engagement ring in hospital so I had no choice to go through her bags and purse…I cried my eyes out when I found the crisp £10 note in her purse but no engagement ring. Thankfully, I eventually found it!
It’s not just the important things but finding those little things such as a hair clip or Sandra’s reading glasses, just those simple everyday things that meant so little but now mean so much.
If I’m being honest with myself, these are the very reasons that I’m struggling so much with my own thoughts.
Hi Stewin
I lost my husband in June 2020 after nearly fifty years of marriage.
I was in two minds of when to dispose of my husbands clothes as it was painful to see all of his things.Eventually,after a few weeks I did take some of them to the Charity Shop,but I did keep some and will continue to do so.I don’t want it to seem like he was never here.
There is no right time you just have to do it when you feel ready. My husband died in sept and I sorted his clothes in dec. it was on my mind that it was something that had to be done and I wanted to do it. Gave a lot to charity shops and rest to charity recycle bins so I feel we helped a few charities which helped a little. Xx
Hello Stewin,
My husband was I’ll for while before his death and we had quite a lot of equipment to help him at home, as soon as I could I moved it all,as I didn’t want to remember his illness I wanted to remember him.
I have no plans yet to move any of his personal things just yet,I find it comforting and familiar to go in the bathroom and see his toiletries on the shelf in the shower.I am hoping I will know when the right time comes .
Hi web
My husband also had a lot of medical stuff as the the district nurses were coming in regularly. I also found it so upsetting to see it as it was reminding me of the bad memories of his illness. It was the first thing I sorted and got really upset doing it but was pleased it was gone. Xx