I know there will be lots of people who do not believe in life after death, and i am not writing this to try and persuade anyone into doing so, i just want to write about my beliefs and experiences, and see if anyone has experienced similar.
So just over 3 weeks ago i lost my Mum, and i’ve found myself naturally gravitating towards the question of what happens to us when we die? Where do we go, what is it that actually dies and what is it that remains? Put really simply, i have come to the conclusion that when we “die”, its not actually us that dies, its our physical body - our shell, if you like. Our spirit, our soul, our real inner identity lives on without its physical embodiment that once existed.
Now i know that many of you reading this will be thinking what on earth is this person thinking and saying!? And once upon a time yes i would probably have been part of that same sceptical, cynical perspective, but thats because i had never really given it any thought, until i had a cause to think about it and really start asking those big questions. So the main question that i keep coming back to is this: are we really expected to believe that we arrive here on this Earth by chance, we meet all the people we meet in our lives, we make all these wonderful connections with people, we experience the most sensational emotions and feelings, we make memories, we dream, we form bonds with others and we fall in love; we leave our imprint in this world, create life, love our children - but then our heart stops beating, our brain dies and thats it. Gone. Done. And the main crux of the question - if so, what is the point? If thats what happens, then what on Earth was the point of it all? If thats how its going to end, what was the point in being able to do all of those things, why were we given the capabilites to do all of those things, if in the end it just switches off like a light and then theres nothing?
Now emotions aside, this just does not make logical sense to me. Everything is for something - there is a reason behind everything. But heres the problem, most people struggle with believing in something they cannot see. The idea that there might be something more after our time here on Earth is over, is just too far out there and people laugh it off and assign those who do believe to the ‘mentally unstable’ category. Well just to put it into perspective, remember this - people used to believe the Earth was flat and that we could fall off the edge if we went too far… Just saying. Things change, we learn things, we come to accept things that we never would have thought possible. But just because you cant see it, doesnt mean it doesnt exist. There are lots of things we cant see, including love - but do we question the existence of love? No. Love is a feeling, its not tangible. Not everything can be seen with the naked eye - a lack of physicality and the ability to see or touch something, doesnt necessarily equate to its absence or lack of existence.
Anyway, i wanted to go back to something that happened to me last week. It was a tough day, i had gone back to work, someone who didnt know i had lost my Mum recently asked me if i had had a good summer (i work in a school), and upon trying to answer the question without getting into anything too much in that work environment, i informed them of my Mum’s passing and started to cry. It definitely was not a part of the plan for the day, but it happened. Had a chat with work colleagues, sorted myself out and on with the day. On my way home i stopped off at Mum’s house to do some more sorting out (clearing the house), and came across a ‘baby’s first’ journal, where Mum had recorded so many things about my life as a baby/toddler. It was so personal and detailed, it made me smile but at the same time it was so terribly sad and pulled at my heart strings, and i sat on the bed by myself crying over this journal telling her how much i missed her and how she had been such a good Mother to me.
That day had been a bit of a struggle and emotionally charged, but i went to bed feeling ok and just needing to get a good sleep. But at some point in the night i woke up suddenly (literally shook myself awake) with the words ‘Keep Looking Up’ clear as anything in the forefront of my mind, and i immediately looked up at the ceiling. I couldnt see anything and after a few minutes of wondering what it was i had just experienced, i drifted back off to sleep. Thing is it hadnt been a dream, i didnt see my Mum or hear her voice, it was just these three words emblazoned in my mind, in such a way it was like an instruction. The next few days i found myself constantly looking up at the sky, thinking maybe Mum had tried to give me a warning or a heads up on something. I have since come to think it probably was not as literal as that. I feel that it was her way of saying to me ‘keep looking forward and being positive’, after the difficult day i had experienced. Then a few days later, i sat driving home in my car talking to her about my day, and i happened to mention that if she would like to send some kind of sign that would let me know she was with near by and watching over, that that would be ok. That night i stood cooking tea and washing pans at the sink, and i felt what i thought must have been a small toy hit me on the back of my head. I instantly turned around expecting to see my son standing there with a great big grin, but there was no one. I popped my head around the door to ask if anyone had thrown anything into the kitchen, not that there was any sign of a toy on the floor, and both my son and partner were watching TV and said they hadnt.
Before Mum passed, she promised me that she would come back to see me and would watch over me, and i dont doubt it. I have thought about going to see a medium (by sound recommendation only), but in the meantime i remain fully open to any signs or messages in dreams from her. I have no expectations, but i remain fully open to things that i am yet to fully understand.