Life after mum's passing

It’s 3 months since my Mum passed away now, and I go through a few days, weeks when I think I’m doing ok,. Then something will trigger all the last week’s, days of mum’s life, I’m back in the hospital with her, going over our last moments and conversations, then the tears Will flow and I’m back in that time again reliving it. Will it ever get easier. I went to the drs because I have pains allover, and feel tired all thy time, she said my body is greiving. I’m sure you all have been feeling like this and still are. I just can’t see an end, how do I carry on?

Hi Nicola,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum passing away. Three months is not a long time when you are dealing with the loss of a parent, and it is normal to have a lot of ups and downs. It is also very common for grief to have physical effects. Most people do find that things get better in time, but it can be a long process and grief doesn’t move in a straight line, so there will be times when it feels better and times when it feels worse again.

I hope that it helps a tiny bit to be able to share things here. You are among people who understand here.

If you feel that it might help you to also speak to a professional counsellor, you might be interested to know that we offer a free bereavement counselling service to members of this community, which takes place via online video chat. Find out more: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

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I lost my mum 4 years ago last week. It does get easier??? But it still hurts. I am going to be a Nana in Dec and all I want to do is talk to my mum. There will always be life time hurdles but 3 months is so raw. I haven’t grieved properly yet and that is why I have joined this group. X

Hi Nicola

I was sorry to read about your Mum and how recent this is for you. Three months is no time at all and you could well be still in shock over what has happened. The aches, pains and tiredness are certainly something I felt when my Mum passed away and still do at times.

I have just passed the third anniversary of the loss of my Mum and since then have lost my God Mother and most recently a cousin. My cousin’s funeral was on Mum’s third anniversary so doubly painful. Each time the aches and pains start again, I have been having them badly the last week or so.

The reliving is horrible but the worst memories do seem to fade a lot. There are the niggling things but I have found they are outweighed by happier thoughts and memories. Family holidays when I was a child were always in August so have been thinking about those recently and how lucky I was to have them. I have had a little cry too for what I have lost but so be it. Tears I am told are there to help relieve stress so if you need to cry that is your body wanting to relieve you of stress.

You have been to your doctor which is good because she is aware now of your need for help. Don’t hesitate to go back if you need to. As Priscilla has said counselling is another option that might be worth exploring.

I found it helpful to give myself a small treat at intervals. Something to look forward to once a week or so like a long bubble bath, a nice coffee out somewhere, going to the cinema. The last is brilliant because it is dark and no one can see if you feel like a cry.

Was there something in particular your Mum liked such as gardening? I have created a memory garden for different people I have lost. Plants that remind me of them which is lovely to sit in and relax. Ten minutes there with a coffee in the morning can make all the difference to my day.

I joined this forum just after losing Mum and found the help and support from others going through the same misery was invaluable. The kindness from people I had never met through the internet made all the difference to me and I hope you will find the same. Keep coming back whenever you need to. There are often people on here in the middle of the night even ready for a chat.

You take good care of yourself Nicola
Mel
Xx

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Thanks for your kind words and advice Mel it means a lot. What you said about holiday memories offers comfort, I’m going to Cornwall next week to spread Mum’s ashes in our favourite place where we have happy memories as a family. I’m keeping a few of Mum’s ashes as well to wear in a necklace, then she is close to my heart. I hope in time I can learn to live with the greif, as at 49 I still feel I have more memories to create. Thanks so much. X

Thanks for your kind words and advice it means a lot to me. X

Dear Nicola ,
I have been widowed twice and grief is like playing snakes and ladders but each time they get a bit shorter . If you are getting some good days then be thankfully . It will take about twelve months I expect . The Victorians went into mourning and wore black for a year . God Bless

Hi there .I know exatley how you feel .it’s been a year now since my mum passed and what you say about some days your ok and then bang it hits you is horrible .I know it will get easier for you and it will .but i still miss my mum everyday .and rest assure she will visit you in your dreams .they might not make a lot of sense .But to see or hear your mum’s voice will make you feel a lot better. So hang in there ok xx

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Hi Nicola, I lost my dad almost 3 months ago as well, it was a sudden collapse and 3 days in ITU where he never regained consciousness I also go over the events in my head from the second I was told he’d collapsed my drive to the hospital the days in ITU, then the time in the undertaker, I miss him so much it’s all such a shock the pain and sadness is unbearable I feel so alone as I’m also struggling with having to cope with my mum’s grief, she doesn’t want to be alive anymore. I also wonder if it’ll ever ease, people have told me it never changes I can’t go on like this I’m not back at work yet and didn’t think i’d be this way, perhaps the sudden shock and no chance to say goodbye, I miss him so much

I am sorry you are experiencing possibly one of the worst things ever. And it is really one of the worst things ever so, don’t worry about being OK, it’s perfectly normally not to be…

Take one day at a time. Reminisce happy memories about your mam and her characteristic (I find this sometimes helps blocking out the flashbacks of that day).

Thanks for replying, you have described exactly how I am feeling and what we went through with my Mum. In the hospital for 4 months watching her deteriate. My Dad is struggling saying he doesn’t want to live. He says I am the nearest person to my Mum and clings on to me, crying which is so hard.

Thanks for your kind words Rich, I agree with you about the dreams I have vivid dreams where I am having conversations with her, she even spoke to me in a dream where she said I had to be strong and look after my brother. It is comforting to hear her voice. Thanks take care.

Hi Nicola; the best thing you can do is write it all down here when it gets really tough. Sharing is the best thing and sharing with people who don’t know you and are here for just this is such a great relief I find.

I lost my Mum too in February this year and what you have described is exactly how I am feeling. There are times when you think you’ve made it through the grief and then your mind just starts all over again. My Mum had a year to live so I had a year of caring for her. My thoughts are reliving the year over and over and over. Every visit to hospital and especially reliving her final week.

Three months certainly is very soon to expect any relief from it and I am six months on and it’s not any different.

I see you are spreading her ashes soon. Two weeks ago I did that too in the sea at her favourite swimming spot in Norfolk. I was dreading it. I didn’t think I would do it but when the time came; just walking along the sea front suddenly the moment was there. My advice is don’t try to plan the scattering. Just go and enjoy yourself and you’ll know when and exactly where it needs to be done. In fact my moment came when we were quite away from the guest house so had to send my husband all the back to get Mum! Bless him.

Right now I am sat my car at work unable to get out because I needed to cry. I carry tissues in the car now as this happens a lot. I remembered I’d read your post at the weekend so have stopped to send this reply because writing this all down for you is helping me too. I think I am ready to get out the car and face the world again now; so thank you.

Have a great day, be strong like your Mum would want you to be but let your grief flow as much as you need to. X

Thanks so much for your lovely reply to my post, I can feel that it is straight from your heart and you are feeling the same as me. I have been worrying about spreading her ashes but you have just put my mind at rest. You are right we have to stay strong and carry on for our Mum’s. Lots of love to you x

My darling Nicola,
I was where you are now 30 years ago, a few years younger than you are. My advice do not hurry the grieving, I did, I didnt have the support you have today, sadly, I had a relapse.
Something I remembered my mum doing when her mum, my grandma passed away was a memory box. That was invaluable, I am now looking for a suitable memory box for my husbands ‘pieces’ who sadly died 7 months ago.
Take care. Lots of love. Irene x

Thanks Irene for your kind words, s memory box sounds a good idea. Sorry about your husband sending you lots of love. X

Thank you Nicola,
Our mums are very special, imagine her sat with you, talk to her, open up your heart to her.
I think of my mum daily but not through sad eyes, she had a wicked sense of humour and I seem to have got more like her in that respect. Not a bad thing.
You try and find something to smile at daily, it will be hard, just try.
You are in my heart and mind.
Irene xx

Thanks Irene x

I had some brilliant online counselling after my mum died 18 months ago. I am still grieving and miss my mum so much. But the counselling helped enormously. The counsellor taught me to sit with the sadness- not try to push it away. That helped me move past the worst stage. She also taught me that grief is a beautiful thing because it’s something that happens when we love someone very much. I liked the earlier post that said about promising yourself small treats- that really helps too. I hope you find a place to feel ok. You will feel better but it does take a really long time x

Nicola 1969
What you are experiencing is normal. If you have ever had a breakup in a relationship you will know we torture ourselves by going over every conversation, every meaning, who said what, why’s, it’s and but’s that led to that breakup. What you are going through is processing and trying to apply logic to how this all happened and why. We re-live things over and over trying to make sense of it all, especially when it is something we didn’t want to happen. Losing a loved one is traumatic and we had no control over it so we drive ourselves mad looking for answers that are actually unanswerable. Further on in grief as 3 mths is such early days, we are confronted with acceptance of our loss and at that point the reliving the end over and over will diminish. It will never go away because this trauma of loss impacts the soul very deeply but you will come to a compromise of dealing with it

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