Life after my mum

My mum died July 2021 , and we were very close, saw her all the time. Was with her when she took her last breath, have never felt so much pain in my life. Have not felt like the same person since . Am back at work, but every day is a struggle, trying to pretend that everything is OK. Just feel so totally lost without her, and empty inside. It’s exhausting feeling like this all the time. There’s so much I wish I,d said in the last weeks and days, things I wish I,d done differently. And that’s so painful, that I can’t turn back time.

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I lost my mum in December and like you I was with mum till the end. Yesterday I had the funeral and today I see it as the 1st day without my mum and I just don’t know what to do. I think I’m putting an act on just so I don’t worry people but inside I feel broken. It’s very hard

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Hello Jasmine.

I’m sorry about your loss.

I just wanted to acknowledge your post, as these are my thoughts as well. I really just want to re-write the last six weeks and then I’d have some emotional calm. But I can only do that in my head and if I carry on trying I’m going to completely break down.

Mum had Alzheimer’s, and there was a time when we would do everything together, but with the loss of my Husband a bit before her diagnosis and then me trying to look out for her as I lived with her, our relationship changed for the worse. It’s said that can happen with Dementia but it’s making coming to terms with things even more painful.

There’ll be plenty of kind spirited people here who will be able to offer you some of their wisdom, or even just support. I only lost Mum in December, so its all new, and I’m lost too, but I do send compassionate thoughts and wish you kindness.

That’s for your reply Lou. That’s how I feel too. Always feeling like I am putting on an act so not too worry people. People who I,m closest too haven’t lost parents yet, so they don’t really get how I feel. There is no time limit on grief, and no right or wrong way to get through it . Do what feels right for you

Hi jasmine sorry to hear about your mum, I too lost my mum in July 2021 I gave up my job to care for her for the last 6 weeks she was with us until cancer finally took her away from us :pensive: I was with her too till the end and also haven’t felt pain like this, I still feel so much guilt, wishing she was still here, did I do enough, why didn’t I realise how poorly she was, have I let her down because she was always there for us it’s almost like your head is torturing you :cry: so much I wish I’d said too, it’s so hard trying to accept she has gone, it’s a journey no of us want to be on, but we can’t stop it.

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Hi Jasmine, So sorry for your loss.

Loosing your mum is a heartache that’s so hard to put into words. I’m nearly 3 years on and the swell of emotion that comes from that pang of realising I won’t see her again is still extremely painful and exhausting to manage.

At first everyday was like walking through treacle in a fog. A lot of days are better now but it still surprises me when I wondered why I’m feeling extra emotional, and then I realised a significant day is on the horizon (Christmas, family birthdays, family gatherings) or even a none eventful day. Planning some days off just to do nothing around these triggers helped me. I also reduced my working hours and eventual changed my job to help manage the exhaustion.

I’m still living with the guilt that I did not make it to the hospice bedside in time to say a last goodbye. I think even when the nurses phone calls became more frequent on the morning she left us, my mindset was she is going to get through this. By rushing there was giving in and admitting defeat.

Like you I wish I’d done things differently and had more meaningful conversations. Writing out a conversation with her, in which I tell her how I’m feeling and thinking how she would have responded has helped. After all, she would be the one who I’d go to for comfort and advice. She might not be here physically but she definitely left me with a bit of her strength I just need to get through the mind-fog to find it.

I hope you manage to find your mums voice and she gives you some comfort and strength get through the days. x

Thanks Tina. So sorry to hear you have lost both your husband and your mum. I totally understand how you feel, in my head I go over and over things, and wish I had managed everything differently. Sometimes I feel I,m going crazy. Everyone that is close to me,has not yet lost a parent so even when I am with them still feel totally alone as I know they don’t really understand all this. Thank you for your kind words

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Thanks for your message Lynn, I know how you feel . I too feel guilt, I also keep thinking why didn’t I realise how ill she was, I should have been more prepared, but I think I was in denial. Just couldn’t let myself think that . Some people have said to me, give it time you,ll be fine, like it’s that easy . You really don’t need to feel guilty, you gave up your job for your mum, you showed her how much you loved her. Stay strong

Thanks for your message Molly, the morning l got the call to say they had put mum on end of life, even then l thought she might have days or weeks, not that she would passaway later that day. I think I was in denial about the fact I was going to lose her. How can any of us prepare for that day. Please don’t feel guilty that you didn’t make it to the hospice in time. Your mum knew you loved her. Stay strong x

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Hi jasmine

I feel your pain, i too was very close to my mam, she died suddenly on jan 11th and she died alone in her bed, i found her later that evening which is killing me.
I too am full of guilt and regrets because i should have told her every day of her life how much i and everyone she knew loved her. I would swap my life for hers if i could just have 5mins with her.
I hope you find inner peace soon.

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Hi Jasmine and Hi all of you

I too feel your pain. I lost my Mum in November and I was also with her until the end. She was in so much pain during the night before she passed that even me touching her hand hurt her. I remember vividly how she slipped away and I my heart raced as hers stopped. It’s like a bad movie that plays round my head again and again.

I miss her so much. Like you I feel so empty and I’m in so much pain. Friends that still have their parents just don’t understand, they try but they can’t possibly know how I’m feeling.

Losing our Mums is life changing and it’s not something we can just get over. We’ll never get get over it but hopefully we can get through it. @Luvyoumam Oh yes, just 5 mins. How lovely that would be x

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Hiya, sorry for your loss. My mum passed away july last year, still cant get my head round it! I just put on an act, pretend im fine but inside i just ache and feel so lost, its awful isnt it x

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Hi Debs4
I’m so sorry for your loss. I bet you can’t believe six months have passed, I bet it feels like six days at times. I bet it still doesn’t feel real at all.
I know too well about the act. I feel if I tell people how I am really feeling then they won’t be able to tolerate the level it’s bought me too…and they say that everyone should “keep talking”. I find I have to be very selective about what I say about how I’m feeling as most people don’t get it. Do you have a partner or siblings to share your feelings with?
Here for a natter if you want to, no pressure x

Thanks for your message Luvy, if I didn’t have so much guilt and regret, think it might be easier to deal with. It’s just nice to talk to people who understand. This pain is exhausting. Hope you find peace too

Thanks for your message SaL, it was the same for me too, as my mum’s heart stopped mine was racing, I could feel myself panicking. I felt scared and alone like never before. It’s so exhausting feeling like this all the time. Would give anything to have one more day with her.

Thanks for your message Debs, I also pretend I,m fine all the time, but really am so miserable and unhappy. Was with a friend the other week, and couldn’t hold it back and started crying, and my fiend didn’t know what to say, as her parents are both still alive.

Hi Jasmine
Oh yes, same here, I felt panic as well. The fear was like something I’d never felt before either. I realise this must be a strange analogy but I wonder if you have ever felt this. Sometimes I feel like when I was little and in a dept store or supermarket and I looked around and couldn’t see her. The panic and dread I felt then is exactly the same as I feel now only I know there’ll be no reunion.

I totally understand the exhaustion. It’s debilitating sometimes. It’s tiring even having to string a thought about something else together isn’t it.

Why do you have so much guilt and regret? Is it something you wished you’d said or done or something you’d done differently? I do understand that as I would be lying if I said I didn’t. But have come to realise that there is nothing that misses our scrutiny…every conversation, every decision, every telephone call…there is literally nothing that doesn’t go under our microscope when we lose someone.

I lost my lovely Dad suddenly 22 years ago and know this feeling all too. But I remember something he said to me when I was a teenager which has helped me with those feeling and it was…You can never have regret as you’ll never know how the other way would have gone.

Our mum’s wouldn’t want us going through our whole lives carrying that with us either but remember as well, you did exactly what you thought was right at the time and you can’t blame yourself for that.

Sorry if I’ve babbled on, I do that sometimes. Always here for a chat though. I really know how you feel. Sending you massive compassionate hugs xxx

Hello sal, that has really hit a chord with me, that was exactly how I felt when my mum took her last breath, felt like a frightened 5 year old that had lost her mum. And just felt total panic. The reason I have so much guilt, my mum wasn’t coping at home and was having falls every week, managed to get her in a good nursing home just down the road, and at first she loved it, made friends, and loved the activities, but last couple of months she hated it as she felt too ill to come out her room, and became confused. I should have given up my job, and moved her in , and I feel guilt over this every day. We told each other so much near the end, that we loved each other, but I still feel I let her down. Don’t think I will ever feel peace

Hi Jasmine, I lost my mam 7 weeks ago and feel exactly as you describe - a frightened child. I have panic attacks and have been agoraphobic for years so seeing her was always very stressful. Because I am so isolated with not going out much mam was worried about leaving me and asked my sister to look out for me. She lives 5 mins down the road and has done for 15 years. Now mam isn’t here she is leaving and moving to the coast. She pretends not to understand the bombshell she has just landed on me as well as mam leaving me. I didn’t have conversations with mam before she passed as it was so quick and I could only visit at the very end because of covid. I feel so very guilty that I didn’t tell her how precious and loved she is to me. I miss her so much. None of my family can understand why I’m so destroyed. I don’t understand why they don’t feel like I do. They just want to fix me. I can’t imagine moving on from the empty loneliness I feel, this constant longing to be with her again.

Oh Jasmine, my Mum was having falls as well. Horrible aren’t they. I know exactly how you feel. How lovely she was near you.
My Mum didn’t want to go into a care home so I bought the care to her. She hated it. I helped as much as she would let me as she hated me fussing and the carers intruding on her privacy. I can only imagine the indignity of strangers washing and dressing you, not to mention your daughter who she used to wash and dress herself and never imagined the roles being reversed.
She suffered an extremely bad fall at home which ultimately led to her passing. She ended up in hospital for three weeks before but I loved every day I visited her there. I didn’t have to do anything other than just sit, hold hands, drink tea and tell each other how much we loved each other probably just like you. I used to think, maybe this is what it’d be like in a care home. I too still wished I’d done more or may be handled a certain situation differently.
Remember though that, at the time, you didn’t move her in to yours for a reason. Maybe she went into a care home because she needed 24/7 care which is something you couldn’t possibly be physically and mentally capable of. Maybe your house would have needed adjustments to accommodate her. It also may not have been possible for you to just give up your job as you need to earn a living. It all sounds so easy now you have hindsight. Hopefully at some point soon you’ll come to realise that you did your very best under the circumstances. Go easy on yourself and remember all the things that you did do for her whilst you were together.
Focus on the love you gave and received rather than your guilt x

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