Hi, im new to this site. ive read & replied to a few peoples thread’s & realise i may have been hijacking their own “reach outs”
My dad died 15yrs ago, my mum 3 weeks ago. Funeral yesterday. People say how amazing i did & the service & that mum would be proud but id take having here over any pity pats on the backs for somehow getting through the last 18 month’s of her cancer & the last few weeks of her life.
Its really scared me reading this site because so many people still feel lost, incomplete & even some have a “family” & still feel alone, but i am genuinely alone now. Im sorry to admit my partner is not very supportive.
Im back in work tomorrow full time & it feels too soon…
i have no idea what my purpose is in life. My mum was my best friend & i am completely lost but probably not accepting that she has gone.
This is the first day in months i have decided to do nothing, but now my thoughts & feelings are all over the place.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, @Ribena99. Please don’t worry about “hijacking” anyone’s posts - the community is here to share experiences and support each other
Three weeks is a really short time, and with the funeral only yesterday too it’s completely understandable you’re feeling all over the place.
We have a support page on returning to work after a bereavement. If you’d like to have a read of it it’s here:
I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts. Keep reaching out - you’re not alone.
Sorry to hear about your loss, I think a lot of people that use this site feel lost some more so then others. So they come here hoping the forums might help in some way. It’s hard but you do have work to distract which at least is something. At the moment I don’t even have that, I lost my mum August 21st last year and was close. I shared the flat with mum the flat I’m still in. I don’t have the answers to make you feel better, I wished I did. Losing a pearent is hard especially when it’s your mum.
@Keith68 i read some of your thread earlier & it must be blinking tough what you are going through, and reading the current feelings & thoughts of others scares me for my own journey of life after my mum. I guess a part of me is obviously grateful for work but as the house, arrangements etc are all on me due to no siblings & no dad & no other family, just relatives that arent in contact, i havent actually been able to mourn, i sort of feel robbed of being able to cry or scream whenever i need to instead of having to park it for a more appropriate time. Im not saying i want to throw myself a pity party forever, but i am not ready for being around people that cant comprehend it like you guys do.
Do you find it difficult in your mums flat? Ive found it comforting staying at my mums now & then the last few weeks but i do feel like all the sorting is a burden & added pressure to me
I done a lot of the clothes, I’m spending a lot of time in the flat I’ve had to take on board and deal with so many things Loss, Life on my own, loneliness, my thoughts. Also dealing with and working through the Myeloma Cancer too. I’m grateful for having a home and somewhere to sleep. But I’m caught between being on my own in the flat and Myeloma. I have a sister and have to meet up with her on Thursday. But she has a partner. I have access to Maggie’s too which is a support group for Myeloma cancer. I post a bit on these forums and just like you I do associate a lot to what people put. It’s not easy, it never is!
But grieve is a personal thing and everyone will deal with it in their own way. I would like to move on but how ?
Ive just had a quick.search on it, im very sorry that you have cancer to deal with too & the restrictions.it puts on you.
If i had the answers to moving on id gladly share them with you but sadly i dont. Perhaps the sorting of the clothes is part of the moving on in someway, and everyone agrees that we all do these things in our own time and in our own way., (sent too soon) have you a good relationship with your sister?
Like you it hasn’t been a close relationship. But we had to work together on mum’s passing. Just a headstone now to sort out. I’m not sure what will happen afterwards but there’s a 20 year gap between me and my sister 19 I think.
With my dad i found the headstone is helpful , its a physical place to.go to.
its difficult with siblings, i guess you both need to establish what relationship you want to have & work togther towards that if you do or accept things somehow if not
I put mum first when she passed, we met up since and things have gone ok between us. I feel vulnerable and I miss mum. I could talk to her and she be there for me. I miss that, you know those irraplaceable moments. I could of done with mum now! but she was too old too understand. So I just got my sister and a aunty in Australia, you do need people. It’s hard to do it in your own and being diagnosed with Myeloma is a blessing or a curse. I want to see mum again.
Have you spoken to your sister about how you are feeling? Or are you not close enough?
I know im only 3 weeks in, but my, yes i know those moments. And the fretting for those “mum” moments, its very tough. Its then i feel most alone, & sharing things with others but its not the same as sharing it with her
I would grasped with both hands the chance to be with mum. I’m not sure why I’m here, I got money, flat and car but it feels like I’m hanging onto life. But life doesn’t hold much for me and what I would give for a chat with mum and support from her. Mum is the missing part of my life, but she was too old.
@Ribena99 sorry for your loss your journey is very similar to mine. I lost my mom just over 3 weeks ago too, also with an 18 mth battle with Cancer. It was so hard in her last few weeks as she was too ill to leave the hospital and I gradually saw the mother I loved so much getting worse daily. I have two older brothers but we have never really been close but I’m hoping this awful loss may bring us closer together. Just waiting to get the funeral out of the way next Thursday and put my lovely mom to rest.
@Keith68 I’m also very sorry for your loss but do not give up on life. Your mom would not have wanted that I’m sure. I know you mentioned you have a Sister keep working on that relations you need each other more than ever now.
@Louib so so sorry. My dad had cancer that altered his appearance, as did my mum, but my dads became image’s i couldnt shake for years - it took me along time to remember him as he was not as cancer, so i hope you can look back one day & feel the same. For my mum, im not so haunted by her appearnace, despite it being life changing. I often think caring for my dad through it prepared me for my mum, so maybe thats why im less traumatised than i was bh my dad.
With your siblings i hope you get the connection you want, its nice of families do find a way to unite through grief & hope this happens for you
@Keith68 i hope today is a bettwr day for you. As much as i miss my mum i try to think of what she say to me, to comfort me, or tell me off to keep me on track. Remember how well you know your mum, and hopefully you will hear what she would say to help you through
A life without my mum is just not ok.
I know it will take a long time for me to adjust , maybe become an altered version of me but its just not what i want.
Friday night & friends have invited me out but i still cant face being around lots of people , especially drunk people. Like ill have to pretend for their sake, because i am not ok. This is not ok. Nothing is ok. Im better around a small inner circle where i can cry if it comes over me, or even say nothing & sometimes still laugh.
But I miss my mum so much it actually aches. Its almost 4 weeks & i cant imagine 20/30 years until i see her again. Its just right & seems unbearable. I know she didnt want to leave me but i still cant get my head around it. Why is this life so cruel to us all, to our parents. To everyone whos a good person & going through hell.
People mean well but they just dont understand how empty everything seems.
Not everyone wants to understand though or has been through what you going through. Or dealt with it in a different way. It won’t be the same, your life won’t be the same, the flat won’t be the same. I still have my days like others on here. It’s new for you you got to give it more time. I’m a year in, try and do things at home! 2things you have to come to terms with.
