Hi everyone, I just wanted to say I feel for everyone on here struggling to cope with the loss of a loved one it’s the hardest road and I have so much admiration and respect for everyone who is finding the strength every day to keep going.
It has been a year since my mum passed away. The thing is, she really was my light, my saving grace, my closest person, main supporter, confidante and best friend. She was home for me, and made me feel like everything would be ok. I’ve realised even more since how, even if other awful things happened, her existence gave me the strength to carry on (I lost my fiance 10 years ago, one of my older sisters also died nearly 2 years ago now)
So, after a devastating illness that both dragged on mercilessly (she was perfectly healthy and so young looking and vibrant for her age before it hit) and then ended suddenly so I didn’t even get to be there when she died. Which I feel terrible regret about and guilt. I osciallate still between that, anger and just terrible sadness. In between that though I just feel so despondent. I feel life has lost it’s meaning and excitement and it feels like I’m living in a parallel world now without my mum, that makes no sense.
I don’t even know why I’m posting as I know that nothing can change what has happened. I struggle still to get up and going, feel lost and like everything is just blank, what’s the point of doing anything? I just feel so empty and lonely without her and I don’t even know if I’ll ever see her again, have lost a lot of my spiritual side too. The feeling is one of fear mixed with emptiness and a horrible cold feeling inside. I thought by now I’d be doing a bit better am starting to wonder if I’ll always be this way now, just feel totally stuck and the problem is I don’t even like the idea of feeling any better as that feels like I’ll lose her completely and I can’t bear to do that.
I normally post on another thread but saw your post title and couldn’t just pass it by. I’m so sorry about all the losses, that sounds a lot to come to terms with.
I lost my Mum in December 21. I lost my Husband just over 5 years ago. I’ve not been on the site for a few days recently as I have had the bleakest couple of days ever. Everything you have said I feel similar and so truly empathise with you. A parallel world, terrible sadness etc. Almost like there is someone different within you, and you don’t know where your own personal existence is anymore. I do understand what you mean about not wanting to move on. I’m the same and I’m sure there are others that think the same way too. Hopefully you will get replies from others who can share how they coped/are coping.
I know I haven’t helped in any way, I just wanted to say I understand, and that I’d like to send some kindness your way.
Thanks so much for replying @Tina19. I am so very sorry for your losses too. It does help to know that we aren’t alone in this pain, just a little. Although at the same time it is horrible to hear of others suffering too.
I know what you mean about those bleak days…I’ve just come out of several in a row. During those times I hate to say it, but thoughts of not wanting to be here cross my mind frequently, only because I do not feel right in this world without my mum. The sheer missing of her is so excruciatingly painful at times and the rest of the time it hurts constantly but it’s more of a constant sad, melancholy, lonely feeling. So today, I feel slightly better but a better day now is like a bad day from my past life still (it feels like a past life when I still had my mum…and sister). I can’t understand how people can be here one minute and gone the next, it doesn’t seem right. I feel like I’m living for others now but not really myself if that make sense.
I cope with distractions, drinking, weekly therapy and escapism…I do talk about my feelings but a lot less now than I did. I hold onto the hope I might be reunited with my mum someday. And I try to remind myself that in 150 years time everyone who is now here on Earth will be gone, to remind myself that life is fleeting for us all.
How do you cope? Do you have much support? Wishing better days for us both, lots of love x
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 13 weeks ago and she was my everything in many ways. We lived together, were truly best friends and support all our lives. I cared for her as she had a number of physical issues but her sudden death was not expected and traumatic.
I understand many of the feelings you describe. The loss of self and sense of direction. The disbelief, the fear of the future, the mix of emotions.
Regardless of how long it has been, I think going day by day is the foundation.
You will find both Tina and I in the thread ‘creating a shrine for my mam’ - there is a group of us there with similar situations and feelings. It’s a place to just vent, rant, tell us about your person, talk about what we have done and share our wins which may be as small as got up and had a shower today! You’d be welcome there I am sure.
Hello . My mum passed away a year ago and it is the same for me . Struggling to get out of bed , don’t want to do anything when i get up. Everything feels difficult and pointless . I’m scared, lonely and anxious most of the time . But somehow i am still here fighting on , what else can we do ? Take care of yourself.
Love Angie xx
Hi ,
Your first two paragraphs are more or less identical to my own situation except for the fact that my loss was my dad…I’m absolutely lost!!! Today I’m really flat and fatigued, I find that every day brings some new emotion…I can really empathise with a lot that was said in this thread.
Thanks for your reply. Hope today finds you on a more manageable day.
It’s hard to say really how I cope. Distraction a lot of the time. Sometimes aimless and time-wasting distraction, Sometimes productive distraction. But then when I’m too exhausted to keep it up I just implode in a heap of a mess.
A huge part of what helps is a thread I belong to on the forum called CREATING A SHRINE FOR MAM. It’s a handful of us that started a quick exchange here and there and sort of developed a connection. Most of us having lost our Mum’s at the same time. You are always welcome.
I get the sadness, sometimes a sharp pain, others a constant and oppressive sadness. Sometimes when I’m doing my “busying” about I think it’s for my Mum and she’ll be back to see everything I’ve done. It’s all so unreal.
Do what you can, when you can. If that means nothing now and again, then that’s perfectly ok. You don’t have to push yourself.
Thank you for your message @Beki, I’m so so sorry you lost your mum too and can all too well understand this pain. It really is like being lost at sea with no navigation. I just miss my mum’s lovely warmth so much, she was the only person I 100% trusted (aside from my boyfriend) and always enjoyed so much speaking to and seeing her, all the time we just ‘fit’ perfectly together if that make sense like soul mates as well as mother and daughter. I’ll have a look at the thread you mentioned, thank you. Do you hope to see your mum again one day? I have some belief in the afterlife but also sceptical. However, I did get a good reading from a medium about 6 months ago ( my mum passed away a year ago, and my sister 9 months before that) I was extremely careful and booked through my friend so he had zero info on me, not even my first name lol. He even mentioned my mum’s breed of dog and how she looked accurately and said they were together again and my mum was happy she could take her for walks again ( my mum’s horrible illness took away all of her physical mobility it was dreadful). My mum’s beloved dog died about a year before she did.
Thank you for replying @Angie4 we sound very much the same. I do find that some days are much worse than others, for usually no apparent rhyme of reason, do you fund the same thing? It’s not as constant throughout the day but I still get moments that I get a shock when I think that my mum actually died. Take care of yourself too and keep fighting on, I will do my best to as well, with a completely broken heart
Oh i am so sorry @patrick1. If you don;t mind me asking how long has it been since your dad passed? I find it so hard to look to the future when the present is so heavy and difficult, my mind clouded with intense nostalgia, memories and a yearning for my mum that cannot be fulfilled. I still find it so hard to look at pictures and I think I’m still in avoidance mode a lot. I have been drinking all year to cope, not loads but enough to depend on it. It really does just suck. We are all in the same boat …wishing gentler days for you in your grief, your dad must have been a wonderful man.
This is so accurate. I have to take everything at a much slower pace now which can be frustrating but that’s just how it is. I feel so different in so many ways. How I miss being a daughter with a living mum, more than anything. It hurts all the time. Sending lots of love to you.
Yes, people say my mum was really my significant other because many of us have relationships with someone who is as you say like a soul mate. I think in modern times especially we’ve narrowed that to just romantic partners, but it can be a parent, a sibling, a friend etc It all depends on our life circumstances etc.
My friend was widowed three years ago, I said to her it’s not just I have lost the person who meant everything to me, I have lost the person I meant most to. The person who you could go to, the person you wanted to tell that joke to, or make proud. The person you had the in jokes with. My friend said - bingo, you just got it.
I do believe in the afterlife, I don’t know what it is like and I don’t have to know or try and understand it. I just believe there is something else and both Mum and I had experiences in our life. Since Mum died I have had little things happen but yesterday a big thing happen - if you go on the shrine thread you’ll see I describe it there and I can’t help but think it has to be something! Like you I cannot think ahead to the future but I do try to think of anything I do now, I am just banking up for when I do catch up with Mum, though I also think she can see and look over us.
A friend who lost his father said to me it felt like being an untethered hot air balloon and I thought that summed it up nicely.
Hi,
The 21st February!!! so roughly 4 months and yes he was a truly fantastic man, my hero and greatest ally…
I actually started counselling yesterday well I was assessed!!! in order to ascertain what type of counselling I require …grief counselling is what’s required!!!so we shall see, I actually haven’t drank alcohol in a long time and she was very complimentary as I have an idea that if I did there would be absolutely no way that I could cope (wink)
Patrick
Hello again, yes we do sound the same . I have really bad days and i don’t know why . Saturday was really bad for me, i really struggled but why i felt so bad i don’t know . I hate the thought of spending the rest of my life without my mum .Take care of yourself.
Love Angie xx
Hi, my god, I’m reading about my life through your words.
I wish I could say something hopeful and constructive for you but I can’t.
I lost my mum 29th December and since then I am just getting worse. Complex grief has been mentioned. I know it’s just grief. Just! Hah! It’s all consuming for me. I have to work, keep busy, fill my mind with things. Otherwise I can’t cope. My relationship, if you can call it that is loveless. My mum was such a great support to me. Encouraging me to hang on in there. And now she’s gone everything has hit me so hard. So I’m turning to these pages again to seek reassurance that I’m not alone, going mad and it’s ok to reach out.
I hope this thread has helped you.
Hello am so sorry about your mum, I lost my mum last year and am still struggling every day.
I too feel so empty and lost some days that it’s overwhelming .
I feel like part of me is missing, and I know that I will never be the same person I was before.
I would do anything just for one more day with my mum, to say all the things I wish I had , to hold her tight.
The only thing that keeps me going is the belief that one day when it’s my time, we will be together again. I saw a clip on utube called 11 minuites in heaven, about a lady who saw her deceased parents, this really helped me.
I hope you are a little better today x
Hi I also feel this thread could’ve been written for me. It’ll be 2 months on Thursday since my Mum died and I feel the same - I’m completely lost, directionless, apathetic. My life is SO empty and meaningless now, I do nothing but eat, mope around the house, sleep (poorly) then do the same the next day. Every day feels as boring as the previous one. Even TV holds no interest.
I was her carer for the last 20 years along with my Dad. I’ve no wife/girlfriend/kids so I kind of felt she was my soul mate too, my rock, my comfort, we had in-jokes etc. The fact that some of you are still struggling more than a year on scares me.
I too have had dark thoughts about not wanting to live in a world without her and am worried things will all become too much for me to cope with, I was quite fragile mentally even before this happened. I still live with Dad but he’s no good at comforting me and just tells me to move on and stop making my life all about my mother!
There seems little point in going on with the life I have now. We loved our Mums for so many years only to have them snatched away from us?! It’s just not fair and feels like a horrible trick of the universe. My heart just won’t accept she’s gone and I’m pining for her so badly. Hugs to all on this dreadful, unwanted journey.
I’m hearing how painful this is all feeling and that you are feeling life is pointless. I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s always someone out there to help you through this. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
If you do feel these suicidal thoughts or feelings get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:
Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
If you’re worried you’re going to hurt yourself, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.
If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. We have also recently launched a Grief Guide Service, which provides articles and interactive tools to help you cope with grief. If you’re interested in understanding more about grief and how you can manage it, please visit griefguide.sueryder.org
You deserve this support, keep reaching out.
Take care, Rhi
. I have really bad days and i don’t know why . Saturday was really bad for me, i really struggled but why i felt so bad i don’t know . I hate the thought of spending the rest of my life without my mum .Take care of yourself.