Hi @Lisa892 our stories sound so similar. I know the pain all too well. It’s been almost 3.5 years for me now and I still struggle a lot. I even still get confused that she’s not here anymore at times and can’t seem to fully accept it still or feel at peace with it although I’m not as much in 24/7 turmoil and anguish as I was, I didn’t think I would survive. My heart still hurts physically sometimes and I get anxious more easily, without my mum to calm and soothe me it can really spiral out of control but I have had to cope with it somehow. I guess I can say that the only thing for me that has gotten a bit better is just that I’ve become a bit stronger in some ways and I have got back into some of my hobbies again. I just want to know my mum isn’t lost to me forever and I’ll see here again one day, I feel I’ll never be fully happy again without my mum as she was the most important and central person in my life which makes life feel and look very different and also my day to day life is just so very different without my mum in it. How are you doing today? Please keep writing if it helps to talk about it more. Sending you lots of love x
Gosh, reading through these posts makes me grateful for this group.
I really empathise with all comments.
It’s nearly three years for me, just after Christmas that I lost my Mum.
I am different. I am not happy like I was.
My partner had cancer. How I needed my Mum. We found out on the first anniversary of her death.
I have a super new job. Does my Mum know?
I don’t know if I even want to be in my relationship anymore as I feel so empty. Life is just so painful. I cry so easily at the slightest thing.
I’m lost without my Mum. I still have my dad. He’s lost too. My brother is a stranger to us.
I’m just so alone. No meaning.
I did have counselling through this organisation, with someone called Jackie. She was brilliant. I know she practices privately but I can’t remember her surname. I know I need help. I’m 61, chronically depressed. I even have my own health issues now as well. I feel it’s my way of silently screaming how much I hurt. It’s gotta come out somehow.
Sorry folks. I would’ve preferred to have posted something positive.
Sending hugs to you @Hippyshirl. I know all about that empty feeling - its coming up a year since i lost Mum and the comments are coming from friends that i should be getting over it by now 
But i have zero zest for life - all my energy is used up just on getting through each day right now. You are right, grief is going to impact you physically so if you you are not dealing with the emotional pain, it will show up in other ways. Youve acknowledged you need help - could you talk to your GP about accessing more counselling? Or track down your former therapist - BACP have an online register of everyone registered with them that im sure you could search by location. Im afraid i cant give any inspirational words of advice because im still in the thick of it, but just seek the support you need. I listened to a podcast by David Kessler recently and he talked about needing to “grieve fully AND live fully” - how some people can be so locked in grief and struggle to then live fully, or others who fill their lives up but never really address their grief. I think im currently in the former camp, but it is still early days and im leaning on counselling and bereavement support groups, plus reiki healing to get me through this time.
Sending you hugs and strength 
Ally6, thank you, sending you love and light for this horrible journey too.
Thank you. I hope it gets easier for me too. I recognise I will never feel the same again and will be surprised if I ever feel totally happy again. We never totally recover I’ve found. Sending hugs x
I believe you’re quite right Lisa, I cannot see myself recovering from this.
But there has to a way forward I just haven’t found it yet.
Love & light to all
I wouldn’t concentrate on a way forward but just take each day as it comes. You still have thoughts and memories will resurface, you can’t stop that and why should you ? It’s horrible I know but it’s part of life unfortunately. For me it’s 14 months now since I lost mum and I wish like everyone here she was still here with me. Mum maybe but in a different frequency ? depends how we look at it and decipher it all. So called friends can make things worse too as they really don’t have your best interest at heart. Mum used to have a saying money is the root to all evil, but it’s people actually not money. Keep posting people if it distracts or makes you feel better. You not really alone even if it feels like it.
I’m so sorry thing are still so hard for you. Life is so cruel. All I can say is keep fighting. It’s what I have to tell myself whilst I try to deal with my grief; guilt, pain, not wanting to go as I miss my mum so much. Sending hugs