My Mum died in September last year and my father decided to chuck me out at Christmas last year. I knew he wouldn’t be taking his pills so I came back we spent Christmas evening in A&E with his high blood sugar and delirium. He’s recently said he wants me out again which is triggering. But I didn’t really have to face Christmas, so this is like my first normal one without Mum. I was her carer and even now miss the routine of pills and cups of tea and little treats. I wanted to empathise with all those who were carers, there right through the oaaainfnid their loved ones who feel empty. We are not alone and feeling deeply isn’t wrong.
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I understand the reason for hiding your name, may I ask how old are you?, are you know your dads carer and does he still want to chuck you out?
There are people in sue ryder qualified to give you advise and it sounds like you need this, and there is a charity called crises that helps homeless people.
Your dad is probably unfit to look after himself which is very hard on you if he expects you to care for him after caring for your mum, and for me, having issues myself it was a desperate situation and I had to struggle with palliative care for my mum at her end of life stage,I was struggling with out sleep under frankly less then war time conditions, spitfire pilots in the Battle of Britain got more rest then I did, that is after having recovered from chronic fatigue earlier and yes, I did push things up a bit when she was in pain, a dementia death is a crucifixion, its the death of christ and if I did the bit of a George the 5th then so be it.(that was really done so the Times would get the scoop before any other paper, ordered to hold the front page) not many people know that today, but I know it is a historical fact.
My mother was from the wartime generation, and I have inherited some of her values from growing up during the war of doing what you are called on to do with out fuss, and to do it as best as you can, that was all I could do for my mum and all you could do for your mum and know your dad, and if you have done your best then no one can criticise you for it.
God bless you LD126, who ever you are, and thankyou for your input.
Tim
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Not today, he’s in a good mood. I never know what each day will bring o I have anxiety which isn’t being helped by my GPs each trying a new method. I’m middle aged. I’ve been seeking help but people seem to just point you towards someone else. Another person is seeing me Monday about extra care. Thank you for the support.
Regarding your anxiety, I think you need to get yourself some self help books, you really should be under a mental health nurse as I am who has experience in dealing with battle trarma, depression and ptsd, if you were basically your mothers sole carew then I know a bit about that.
Age uk might be able to help, only you know how you feel so don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise or ‘leading the witness’ as they say in court.
It is vital your father continues to take his medication, for your sake and his.
I have tried to get help. I had counselling for twelve weeks but now am supposed to wait six months before restarting. This is only overcome by lying in the U.K. it seems. I did care for Mum on my own, she was no bother, still lucid and very much my Mum even at the end. That’s what makes the dementia so cruel. Your description of it as a crucifixion is so accurate. It’s the knife being turned every day.
I know a very religious person who sends me messages saying Jesus is with me so I am not alone. She means well but I’d feel less alone if she just asked me how I am in person without making me feel like a drip for grieving.
My luck with Age UK, seeking help for my father was poor. Because I am with him he doesn’t qualify for any befriending or even the warden.
In many ways it is crueler then a crucifixion, christ was up for some 9 hours, a dementia crucifixion(THAT,IS WHAT IT IS) goes on for considerably longer and really begins from the point they can no longer take water to the moment of death, the average time is about a week, my mother lasted some 11 days, she thought like Ukraine to the very last second, she was off the wartime generation.
Get some self help books, Anxiety relief by john crawford is very good, should be avalable at your local library, not all counsellors are what they should be, I am very lucky in that respect but many people are not and frankly in many places mental health support is either non existent, or still in the dark ages and during the war (sorry to sound like uncle Albert)they used to label people who were cracking up as ‘lack of moral fiber’ and they were sent to prison, better then being shot at over Germany?, I don’t know but it was all wrong and they were genuinely ill, in one famous case Jeneral Pattern hit a traumatised soldier and called him a coward, Isenhour no less made him apologise to the boys parents(should have apologised to the soldier as well) so even then some very intelligent people in America understood this and Ice was a very intelligent and popular man and became the most popular president serving 3 terms in all.ok,enough of the history lesson, get that book and see how you get on and never mind your religious friend, hear is another one also from the war and my mum used to say it regularly ‘Praise the lord,but pass the ammunition’ not talking candy or paracetamol, God helps those who help them selves.
Good luck
Tim
Thank you for the encouragement.
I went through a similar experience last year when Mum died. I’d been looking after her for years and was alone with her when she died in A&E. I can’t even type that without tears. I relieved it for months and it is still something I think about but you can get beyond that to the better memories. They do come back and the positive side of your relationship with your Mum comes to the fore. Be kind to yourself, do things you enjoy, your Mum would want you to look after yourself.
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I can relate to this. I also live alone and have no children. It is so lonely
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Yes, some old people ride around all day on there bus pass to keep warm and for company, its true.
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Awe sparks I feel just the same as you I lost my mum 3 years ago having lived at home most of my life . I have a husband but still feel very alone in this loss and nothing feels the same anymore . I was never outgoing though no one would believe that . My mum however was a very confident and social person . Rightly or wrongly I sort of lived my life through her . I worked in social work mainly with the elderly daily thinking how lucky was I to have such a fit and healthy mum even through her early to mid 80s . We all want our parents to live forever it was silly for me to think she would . What saddens me the most is that she was not accepting of her illness and was I feel angry yet would not speak of it . If truth be known I would have taken her place if I could as she was so happy and active in life . Thankfully she died peacefully and in knowledge that she was going and I’m ever so grateful I was with her till the end . 90 was a good age and I was lucky to have had all those happy years . My mum was not perfect but very accepting and open minded . She accepted I was gay and only ever wanted me to be happy and that was her only concern that I might find life more difficult . My siblings never really supported me there attitude was you live at home and don’t have kids so you don’t live in the real world and no what problems are . Cruel comments and pre judgements and digs no gratitude for the good things I done . My mum however loved me unconditionally and that is what get me through
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Hi there. Your situation sounds similar to mine, aside I am separated and living alone, but we both obviously loved our mums the same way and they us. Here if want to chat
Hay Snow patrol, I bet your siblings did not lift a finger to help while you were struggling with your mum, but I bet they are queuing up for there inheritance, TYPICAL!!! sounds as if you loved her and she loved you and that’s all the matters.
Don’t worry about being Gay, these days it does not matter a jot even in the forces, it is not your fault the way you are, I am A sexsualal, I am 63, still a virgin and could not care less, I have no interest in it.
Nice she died peacefully, my mother of 95 years and from the war time jeneration passed in my arms gasping for breath like a lungfish, towards the end I was basically responsible for her palliative end of life care as she passed away at home and no one should have to do that for a relative and certainly not without medical training but covid was running ragged, the country was more or less on a war footing, she wanted to die at home and I was available and as it was her dying wish, as her son, no matter what the cost I felt obliged to honour it and Battle of Britain spitfire pilots frankly got more sleep then I did during her last 6 months and I am know under a mental health nurse and have depression, ptsd and hypertension , all the nice things associated with prolonged stress(NOT!!!)
For your interest I have included the photo of the wall memorial to my family, the gentleman on the left is my father at 60 years, taken at his retirement as Justices Clark for Lonsdale and Furness in 1979(having done 40 years they could take early retirement then, know he would have to work till 66 to get his occupational pension)
The gentleman on the right with horns growing out of his head is my passed twin brother, the middle one being my mother taken at her silver wedding in 1982
Blessings to you, contact if you wish.
Timxx
I’m so sorry for your loss. Everything you said is exactly how I have been feeling. My mum passed away 3 years ago and she was my rock. We shared everything. I think there’s nothing that comes close to such a special relationship that you have with your mum. It definitely leaves a big hole in your life. I feel like a part of me died with her and I would give anything just to have her back. Every day I tell her little things that I have done or tell her that I am sure she would love this or that…. It’s my way of coping. If only death wasn’t so final. If only we could have half an hour occasionally for a chat it wouldn’t feel quite so bad.
I really wish you all the best and send you hugs. I hope you feel a little happier as time goes by. She will always live on in you.
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Hi @Deborella,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely sharing your experience on this thread. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Becca
Online Community Team
I am really struggling at the moment. My Mum passed away four weeks ago and I am so sad and not functioning properly…
It’s not easy, that’s for sure. My mum died over two years ago, it was so sudden. She had been in a lot of pain for over a decade due to her legs. In her last days she could barely walk, had to get a wheelchair. A painkiller she was perscribed ended up building up in her system, from what the autopsy could find, and she was gone in minutes. I miss her every day, she was such a lovely, supportive mum who loved her grandchildren and was so devoted to her family.
The worst of it since her death has been the silence, no amount of noise of any kind can ever drown it out. She was a wonderful mum and is deeply missed by her family. No matter what I do it all feels so pointless without her to talk to about it.
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We all want that don’t we ? being left alone on this planet feels like a merry go around, I can’t get off. Parents are such a big part of our lives that we take for granted whilst they are alive. We never think about how life without them will effect us till it’s too late. I would love to see mum as life difficult without her. We are somehow connected I think and no one else will do!
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I know this is an old post now but it was posted the year I lost my mum and it feels like I have just written it. It’s exactly how I feel. Life feels pointless without my mum just over 2 years later. I am so broken and heartbroken. Your post made me cry. My mum too lost her mobility after being mobile and ‘young’, she also lost her beloved baby dog a year before she died. I don’t know how I’ve made it though two years; my pain is unbearable and life still seems pointless. I hope you are doing well and the pain isn’t as bad
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