Life just sucks

7 months on this lonely journey. Is this life for us now .
I understand they say life is what you make it but honestly I never thought for a million years this would be how it is.
Rob was taken at the age of 56 we had been married 33years and to gather 34 years. He was taken so so suddenly and so quick there was no warning signs or anything just wham taken ill , in the ambulance , we all at the hospital by his side ,5 hours later gone I’m in the hospital car park and that’s it he’s gone forever.
I know lockdown has played it’s part but to be quite honest I can’t see it being much different afterwards as all my or our friends still have their partners and getting on with their lives as are my two kids .
It’s just so bloody difficult you want to go on living this different life but for what all I seem to do is tell people “ oh I’m ok thank you I’m getting there” when really I think “ am I getting there” .
My son asked me the other day “ are you getting used to being on your own a bit more now “ yes I said thinking well I’m managing to go to bed every night not saying I’m sleeping but I’m going to bed .
He really was my world , my rock , my teacher , my go to person , .
Now I have none of those things and I don’t think I ever will again .
So I suppose it’s just me , myself and I from now on .
Take care to anyone reading this fingers crossed we get through this journey we are now faced with to the best of our ability
Best wishes Karen x

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Karen
I would agree with every word you have typed.
This is not the life I was hoping for, I seem to have been transported into someone else’s life and it is totally rubbish

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How do we sort out the next move? Lost my wife in November so I have been grieving in lock down since, I still work so I have had some distraction but I go home and I am now in my lonely routine, now lock down is easing how do we cope with that? My life that was I used to go for a couple of pints with a work mate twice a week, he asked me tonight and I said iam not ready, only friends I have who make sence to me at the moment are on this Web site, how do I get out of this rut? the only people I want to have a pint with are the ones who have supported me through the last five months, almost impossible as we are scattered far and wide so it looks like I have some thinking to do, only problem thinking is not natural at the moment so I guess the rut it is
Ron

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Kazzer you are totally right. It sucks harder than a [I tried to think of something original and funny to put here, I don’t have it in me today].
Today has been a bad day for me too. Is this really real… I am still surprised after almost 6 months that this appears to be real. How can that possibly be.

My head is hurting I’ve got pains in my chest. I feel like I want to vomit. I’ve kept fighting every day, I’ve swallowed my pride and asked for all the help you can get so I know how lucky I am compared to a lot of people but I honestly don’t think I have the strength for this situation much longer. We should have had children, why didn’t I do that so at least we had something living on from us. Now I’m just the end in a family tree hanging around as an extra in other people’s stories for the few people I care about to die and then I’ll suffer that too and then be totally alone. I thought he’d be there with me. He had so many plans and dreams and was such a benefit to this world… How can this be.

Richard indeed we are in the wrong life now… It doesn’t fit at all. How do people do this.

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Kazzer
My Marti was only 56 when he died from covid.
It’s a scary thought isn’t it, so many years I have left without him, he was my rock and I miss him so much, I never thought he would leave me at such a young age, we was looking forward to our future and growing old together.
The pain of grief is unbearable, I hope we don’t always feel like this, its torture.

Ron
I find it difficult when I see a friènd for a coffee as I’ll mention I’m feeling depressed and they don’t know what to say back, then they talk about what they been doing all week and I’m at a loss because I’ve nothing exciting to talk about and I feel to low to chat.
I suppose we have to wait for when we feel like we can socialise with friends.
Amy x

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Hi Amy, my story is so so similar I actually can’t believe how similar, except maybe It was cancer he was 56 & we’d been married 35 years, only had 2 children but we did have 6 Grandchildren. I lost a wonderful son-in-law to cancer in Jan 2020 his wake was just before my husbands death, in April, then we had his covif funeral end of May, In Aug I had 3 of my grand-children with me for a few days before the rest came down for a weeks holiday. Then the day before I had an accident. Really shook up my grandchildren. Especially when I jad to be cut out of the car. I spent the whole week they were down in hospital. Then when I was ready I brought another car only to help look after my Mum because she had a stroke. A year after my husband passed I feel no different I have had all counselling but nothing seems to help - I feel so sad & I’ve cried a river but nothing will ever be the same - there must be something so wrong with me that I just can’t seem to get real & now my Mum has been diagnosed with Vascular dementia I know things are just going to get worse for me. Sorry to rant but I’m slowly drowning :disappointed_relieved::disappointed_relieved::disappointed_relieved:

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Hello Silvana

I’m so sorry for your losses, you are understandably worried about your Mum and you are grieving for your husband and lovely son- in -law. You also had a serious RTC, which is a terrible and frightening experience for you and your grandchildren.
Be kind to yourself, grieving is a long, painful process. Don’t pressurise yourself in healing, it takes time.
Rant as much as you like on here, everyone on here are so kind and understand your pain.
Sending hugs
Amy x

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Thanks xxx

Hello Silvana.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through. You say counselling hasn’t helped, therefore it’s even more important that you have reached out on here.

Please know we are here for you, Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

I’m also sorry to hear your Mum has been diagnosed with Dementia. Alzheimer’s Society have a Facebook page, where the users talk about their own various stages of caring. This page may also be able to offer you comfort, through other carer’s experiences. If you need help, either practical, or emotional, you can always call their Dementia Connect Team on, 0333 150 3456.

Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community Team

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with the easing of COVID I take no joy. Without my love one everything seems meaningless. [quote=“FleurDeLis, post:4, topic:37317”]
I’ve swallowed my pride and asked for all the help you can get so I know how lucky I am compared to a lot of people but I honestly don’t think I have the strength for this situation much longer. We should have had children, why didn’t I do that so at least we had something living on from us. Now I’m just the end in a family tree hanging around as an extra in other people’s stories for the few people I care about to die and then I’ll suffer that too and then be totally alone. I thought he’d be there with me. He had so many plans and dreams and was such a benefit to this world… How can this be.

Richard indeed we are in the wrong life now… It doesn’t fit at all. How do people do this.
[/quote]

I’ve never imagine I have to swallow my pride to ask for help/company. I had such a lovely family and supportive wife I’ve never thought I’d get old alone. My forever changed life is like wearing someone else shoes, it’s strange and very uncomfortable.
My soulmate was my rock. She was the best friend of me and my daughter. She always came up with the best solution in times of crisis. She got a kind heart and would have been of benefit to many people. Now I just saw people everywhere doing evil things enjoying long lives. It is so unfair. Life is cruel.

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