Thank you. I am grateful for your kind words they mean alot. I am really struggling especially today. To have a court going over the moments leading up to my husband’s crash, the actual incident and the injuries which ultimately he sustained cause so much additional pain. Although I was not there I sat alone in the house knowing that the hearing had started and awaiting the verdict from our family friend. I have to collect the death certificates tomorrow in order to complete probate.
Not been able to eat at all again today. I did distract myself for a short period by taking/collecting our eldest little grandson from nursery. But then I have to return to the empty house.
Not sure how to get over his loss. I loved him so much and so desperately miss him.
Dear Sheila,
I know, because I feel exactly the same about my husband. So I am in a position where I can say that, and I know how unbearably difficult it is for you. My husband is in my thoughts through all my waking hours, and I am sure that is the same for you. In fact, even when I watch TV to distract myself, I find that doesn’t work. I can’t see that ever getting better and as you (I think it was you) said, I won’t live long enough to get over losing him.
There’s nothing I can do to help you but I wanted you to know that I wish you strength to cope with all this
This life is a living hell, I know that, but we have to live it.
I am sorry that, on top of that, you have had all this extra stuff to cope with.
I am wishing you strength and sending you love. Write any time.
Hugs, Ann xx
I only lost Stephen in March 21 to covid. I don’t know if this helps but they still don’t have a treatment plan. They chucked everything at Stephen, steroids, experimental drugs etc but they were very clear from the start that they do not have a cure for covid. All they can do is treat the symptoms in the hope the body fights it off. They explained to me that people who do not survive usually have a genetic marker for the inflammation, their white blood cells go into something called a cyclic storm where it attacks anything that has covid on it. The damage it’s the actually don’t by covid it’s done by the body’s reaction to it.
Thank you. The Inquest took me right back to the day I lost my husband. Not slept at all last night. Everything once again going through my head. I feel physically sick today. Just preparing to ring the Registrars for the death certificates. How can this now be my life. Each day is just so painful.
I am sorry that you and others are in the same situation, our worlds shattered and just trying to get through each day.
Dear Jules4,
I couldn’t agree more that society just doesn’t do grief. I realised this the moment I was told my husband had died. Despite the A&E department , where he was taken following his very sudden collapse, being in a hospital which had a dedicated state of the art bereavement centre, I still shudder at the callousness shown to our sons and myself. Certainly there seemed to be no training for the staff we encountered. He was processed rather than cared for and when we addressed this afterwards (it took months) it was acknowledged that they had fallen short of their ‘usual standard of care’. That was 18 months ago but sadly the same hospital was in the local press last month apologising all over again to another unfortunate family.
I have explained before on this site the horror of receiving my husbands post mortem report with no support. I couldn’t believe that was how it would happen but sadly it seems commonplace to send the most sensitive of documents with no thought for the recipient. My whole view of the world has changed in a way I could never have imagined. There is no place for sensitivity in the world of admin.
At GP level also it doesn’t help that there is no standard approach to help for bereaved families. Some people on this forum seem to be able to access ongoing support, albeit by phone, from their local surgery but nationally I think this is patchy. My GP was happy to prescribe me with a months supply of benzodiazepine and beta blockers in one prescription. I had never taken either before and so how I would react in my grieving dazed state was anybody’s guess. There was no suggestion of a follow up phone call, simply an assumption I could use my own discretion and take them as I saw fit. I didn’t take them. Perhaps I should have.
Today, apparently, the queen is resuming her state duties. Whilst her generation is known for its stoicism, I’m not sure about the example it sets. It’s a case of pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get on with it. A month after my husband died I couldn’t compile a shopping list, let alone read state papers. Of course her position is unique and she is hardly burdened with the practical complications grief brings in its wake but I think this rush to resume normal proceedings does people like us on this forum no favours whatsoever. No wonder most people think we should be over our grief within weeks at most.
Another two edged sword is the success of the vaccination programme. It has been a real feat of organisation regardless of ones politics but I feel it’s a bit like it must have been when the war ended. Those who had survived unscathed were keen to get on with life and those who had succumbed or been damaged were quickly forgotten. To the newly liberated, fully vaccinated eager to ‘revenge spend’ sector, covid , and the appalling effect on so many families who have been suddenly and unexpectedly bereaved, is all in the past and life is for living. Same goes for those people who have died of other causes for whom there has been little or no mention. To the uninitiated ongoing grief is boring, whereas for the grieving it is all consuming and never ending whatever the cause.
I liken my grief to treading water constantly. I don’t know from one day to the next whether I will sink or swim. It could go either way. I suppose those people who see me treading water assume I’m ok.
Same goes for all of us here. At least this forum keeps some of us afloat some of the time. Thinking of you and all the others here trying to navigate this nightmare. X
Dear sheila26,
I am so so sorry you are having to go through this most painful procedure of reliving the day your husband died all over again. Of course it is ingrained in your memory but reading details is a knife in your broken heart. You shouldn’t have to be doing this alone. Ironically I insisted my husband had a post mortem thinking it would at least give me a reason as to why he died mid conversation. I had no idea how brutal an experience it would be when I read it alone. That fateful telephone call telling me he had collapsed, my elder sons shake of the head as I arrived at the hospital and then seeing him uncared for in that awful side room are seared in to my brain for eternity but so are the words in his post mortem. None of us can unsee or unread anything.
I hope you have someone today who can just hold your hand Sheila. Thinking of you. X
Dear Lonely,
I completely understand why you felt the need to stay with Peter when he was in hospital. It is so hard to handover care of the most important person in your life to strangers, even when there is no option. In recent years both my elderly parents have had hospital stays and they too were not left alone. For reasons you have described. Sadly my father died two years ago following a fall which broke his hip at the age of 97. We left him late on the Sunday evening with the words see you tomorrow but he died under anaesthetic so we never did. My mum has not been the same since and never will be.
When my husband collapsed I was staying with my mum who lives 150 miles away and had been ill since my dads death five months earlier. We were preparing for her to come and live with us but it had been delayed due to her frailty. I had been whatsapping my husband all evening as he and our younger son (27 then) had been to a football match. A special match for which they had done well to secure tickets. I’d been sent a photo of the view from their seats and both my mum and I were pleased to think they were having a great evening. When I didn’t receive a reply to my last message for 10 minutes I didn’t worry too much but then the landline rang and my heart started racing. No one phones at 10.30 pm for a chat. The policeman on the other end had managed to get the number from our son who was inconsolable but he said he thought my husband had had a stroke and was being taken to hospital. I needed to get there as soon as possible. Trying to find a taxi firm who would drive me 150 miles at 10.30 pm on a November evening was not easy but one did agree. It was quite simply a journey from hell but all the while I was hoping to arrive and find my husband had regained consciousness. In my head I was going through all that could be done for his probable rehabilitation. I would leave no stone unturned and I would do my utmost to make sure he got the best possible care. Our life might change but we would find a way. As long as we had each other I would cope. Like you with Peter, I would have stayed morning, noon and night if necessary.
Mobile reception on my journey was patchy so I arrived at the hospital still with hope. Sadly my husband had died instantly. I believe the policeman didn’t tell me the truth because he knew I would collapse in a heap miles away and not be there for our son who clearly needed me more than ever. It was an act of kindness to not tell the truth. Once at the hospital all kindness disappeared and to this day I will never understand how it was able to happen. I totally understand how distressing it would have been for you not to have seen Peter again after he had been ‘made presentable’ after so many years of total devotion.
At all times in that horrible A&E department there was a complete lack of humanity. My husband certainly hadn’t been made presentable when we were shown to the room where he had quite simply been wheeled. That image is seared on my brain. The love of my life and my sons lovely dad had been discarded. Nothing can ever put right that act of carelessness by those who should have known better.
We are all painfully aware once we have lost our soulmate that nothing is or ever will be right with the world again. I do believe there are many people working in the caring professions who get it right some of the time. However those who don’t cause irreparable damage to those left behind.
I love your posts and your total love for Peter shines through every one. He was lucky to have had you and it is impossible to overestimate how much you miss him. There are simply not enough words.
Take care. X
Thank you. Because of Covid the post mortem procedures were changed and started first with an MRI scan to see if that could determine the cause of death. That did not work so it was the normal post mortem. Fortunately I asked not to see the report and todate they have complied. Either that or my son has received it and is keeping it from me. To be honest the interim death certificate told me everything I needed to know. I had not expected it to be as graphic but it was. Also my husband was an organ donor and the day after his death I gave the necessary permission. Unfortunately the extent of his injuries meant even that final wish could not be totally fulfilled but someone did benefit.
The doctor and a nurse came to see me and son in hospital after the police had told us he had died. I have no complaints about their handling of the situation, although we were in utter shock so we were unable to ask or construct any sensible questions. The police did their best but they were so matter of fact. They wanted an ID and did not want the delay of the alternative which is DNA. I have since told the police my thoughts on this aspect. I think we should have been given more time and in hindsight I would have preferred the DNA route. Our son did the ID and I cannot forgive myself for that. Because of covid they left all the tubes attached. I have done my son irrepairable damage that no mother should do. I am a coward and selfish but I did not want my last image of my husband to be him like that so instead inflicted this on our son. I will never forgive myself for this.
I am sure that your 150 mile journey was utter torture. The police answered my husband’s mobile and sent a patrol car to get me to the hospital and through the rush-hour traffic. I remember sitting in that car, sirens blaring, just like you thinking whatever state he is in we will get through this. I remembered our wedding vows ‘in sickness and in health’ and kept saying no matter what as long as we had each other we can overcome anything. Instead my world was totally obliterated.
I have spent the day doing ours and next doors garden. I have to keep occupied. Earlier had to pay for the death certificates and now know they will be dropping through the door. This is never ending. When a crisis hit I had my husband to give me the support I needed. And God knows I need him now.
Dear @Sheila26
Would your son think that he had to do it as he didn’t want you to go through it? The DNA would have been much less painful, but when faced with such awful circumstances its hard to make any decision, not thinking of the potential impact at the time.
My heart is so hurting for you, the horror just goes on & on and everything seems to conspire to bring you back to the bad memories, the regrets, the wondering if something had been done differently would it be better now.
I’ve now started on the antidepressants as something had to give, my grand son leaving here under not good circumstances has left me with no other option.
I wish I had the energy to do my garden, it would tire me out. It will be a jungle soon.
M
Yes I think he thought it was his responsibility but only after I said no. Your right when you are in shock after just learning that you husband had died and the circumstances surrounding it - which they did not pull any punches in telling me - I think they need to give people more time but that’s not how it works.
The police investigation concluded that it was a sequence of different events that came together - which of course means that if one event had been done differently then perhaps he would still be here. They are writing to the Council responsible for the road regarding appropriate warning signs and I hope that if any improvements are made then another family will not suffer like we are and will continue to do. So ‘wrong place at the wrong time’ screams out. This really doesn’t help me.
For the past few days and inbetween the hail and rain, I have just pulled up on the drive and not wanting to go into an empty house and sit for 12+ hours I have not even taken off my coat or changed my shoes but just started doing a little piece of our garden which is now totally overgrown. It will never be as good as my husband’s garden work but it is a start in order that I can keep on top of the weeding at least. Will probably fall asleep on the settee and crawl into bed later tonight.
I do think of you and hope that you and your grandson can mend the relationship.
Dear Sheila,
You were neither a coward nor selfish not wanting to identify your husband. When in deep shock it’s impossible to think and who ever has a plan for such a situation? I certainly never envisaged that my husband would die like he did when he did. I’d spoken to him earlier in the day and all was well.
When the taxi firm insisted on me paying upfront I had to find my credit card and read the long number not once but twice. I ended up screaming for them to just please send a car. I wasn’t polite shamefully.
I allowed our younger son to drive me home from the hospital in the early hours of the morning once we had argued for my husbands car keys. It was thirty miles away. He had just witnessed his dad dying in front of him and in retrospect should never have driven but we knew we just had to get home.
Later that day, after a few hours in his own home nearer than us to the hospital, our elder son joined us at home and it was him and his brother who was so deeply traumatised who made phone calls to family and friends to deliver such terrible news. I should not have left it to them but I simply couldn’t stop shaking. I knew what I had to do but simply couldn’t. Between them they also contacted relevant companies etc as everything was in my husbands name. It was chaotic.
I believe shock is like grief in that until it is experienced no one knows how they will react. It cannot be studied or prepared for. Given the circumstances of your husbands very sudden death and the ensuing inquest you are so vulnerable and will continue to question every action. I am sure every single one of us on this forum has done this. The tickets my husband had secured for the football match were last minute as our son had been on a work trip abroad and wasn’t sure he’d be back. They were delighted with them. Without the tickets my husband would have come with me to my mums and perhaps I would have seen subtle signs that evening that in fact all was not well. I’ll never know.
I have no idea how we reach a point of accepting what fate has thrown at us. Along with many others here I am thinking of you Sheila. Xx
Dear @Lonely and @Jobar,
I read both your stories with tears welling in my eyes. Your husbands were so fortunate to have such fiercely protective wives standing up for them, but it so should not have been necessary for all of you to have been put through such ordeals. My heart goes out to both of you.
Because of the disability my wife Nicki was born with, she had over 20 surgeries on both her legs from the age of 6 months, and spent much of her young years in hospital, and she developed her own views of the medical profession as a result of her experiences. At a young age, she and others also witnessed a doctor run amok in hospital. As she got older, she developed a healthy distrust and dislike of the medical profession in general because of her experiences. She used to tell me she would rather die in a gutter than go into hospital. I feel so fortunate, it that’s the right word, that Nicki died at home. At least she did not have to suffer the indignities that you and your husbands had to endure.
You may not realise it, but you are both extraordinarily strong ladies and you remind me so much of my Nicki.
Thank you. It means so much. I often go through the ‘what ifs’, ‘if only I had…’
A number of friends have told me to stop thinking about our son, reminding me that he is an adult as is his sister. But as a parent I don’t stop worrying about them. Upset that they are having to suffer this devastating loss. Our daughter does not live in the North East so she has to endure so much from a distance. Our son has the responsibility of two children. Both our kids were looked after by my parents so that I could work. They have strong views on the relationship with grandparents and our son was so wanting that same bond to be established between my husband and his children. Our daughter grieves in the knowledge that she last had a hug from her dad in June and only saw us the rest of the time through Whatsapp. Friends are well meaning but they still have their partners and do not know the pain that we suffer.
I am grateful that I found this Forum - regrettably people understand through personal experience.
Dear Alston,
Thank you for your very kind and supportive comments. How I wish it had been different.
What Nicki suffered as a child is unimaginable and I fully understand her mistrust of hospitals and doctors. She sounds a very courageous lady. Given her experiences, the fact she died at home will be of some comfort in relative terms, but she died far too young and suddenly and the shock for you is devastating. I am acutely aware of how very much you love and miss her. You had a long and happy marriage but quite rightly were hoping for many more years together.
I naively thought my husband and I would grow old together. Don’t we all? My worst nightmare came true the day he died, as it did for you the day Nicki died. All of us would rewrite history if we could and give up everything we own to have them back. If only, if only.
Take care. Jobar x
Yesterday i recieved my husbands medical notes. A lot of it is unreadable, doctors handwriting is awful. What i could read explained some things but reading that mel was ditressed about being told he might die was awful. He was trying to get out of bed to take himself home, crash button was pressed for quick help. Sedated him . Then later he took his gown off and was gripping on to the bed post crying. Refusing to cooperate with nurses. Wanted to leave and go home. I thought he was calm and comfortable as it was told to me. Its distressing now knowing that he was upset and creating. This wasnt him at all. I hate that hospital and what they did to him. He was recovering and feeling better until they decided to stop all medication. I needed to get the medical notes for my own peace of mind, to know they did everything for him. I now know different and how scared he was. Feel dreadful. X
I am so dreadfully sorry. I can only imagine the additional sorrow reading these notes and knowing what your husband was going through will have had on you. It really does only add to what is already a very traumatic time. The fact that you and others have to find out the full extent of the circumstances is really an awful reflection on how those who have lost loved ones are subsequently treat. In the days and weeks after my husband died I got so many different stories from the police but I decided that I could not bear to find out about his final moments on this earth and the momentary horror of him knowing what was inevitably coming towards him. Clearly it plays on my mind in my darkest moments and is just heartbreaking.
Hi sheila, it is so crazy what gappenwd but had they told me that he was agitated and felt he was at the end of his tether, i could of vidoe called him and calmed him down. He was never an angry man and would always just go along with doctors for a peaceful life. He had obviously had enough in there and felt he would be better at home. I will never forgive them for letting him suffer alone and sedating him to keeo him quiet. X
I am so sorry. I can understand your lack of forgiveness. My husband was a quiet person and had to be really pushed before loosing his temper or getting frustrated so I understand your comments. It should never have been allowed to get to that point and therefore I understand why you cannot forgive. These additional findings only pile more stress on top of us when we are already at our lowest point. Sometimes I feel that humanity has been totally lost.