Hi everyone, I’m new on here.
My darling husband died in March last year. I can’t believe it’s nearly a year ago!
I’ve carried on with all my village activities, I’ve become a parish councillor, I walk for miles, I see my daughter and grandsons regularly - but it all seems so pointless. Sometimes I get pleasure from something well done, or joy from being with good friends or family - and then I get home and it’s so quiet and lonely and I think - why? Why bother with anything when the person I most want to share things with isn’t here any more? Does anyone else feel the same? And does it ever get better? I’m exhausted from grieving.
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Hello Liz,
You will get a lot of answers, I am sure.
You are further down the path than me; my beloved, wonderful Eileen - that is her in my profile photograph - died in September last year so we haven’t quite reached six months.
I don’t really anticipate “things” getting “better”. I can not describe my life now as pointless. I do not want to put my family through yet more grief just yet, I have dogs whose loyalty I want to repay by seeing them through their natural lives, and I still have unfinished administrative business that I really must get sorted.
So for these reasons I wish to live, for now, though the only way out of this grief will be my own death. I desperately want to be reassured that there is a hereafter where we will be happily reunited for ever.
I have just been through our wedding anniversary for the first time on my own. I wonder if your pensiveness now is due to the upcoming anniversary of your beloved husband’s death ?
There is little to comfort you in what I have written, I fear. To answer your questions, yes, others feel the same, and no, I can’t see it ever getting better in this life.
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Hello Edwin, thank you for your reply.
I’m so sorry to hear about Eileen, she looks lovely.
I have made the choice to stay alive, although in dark moments I have thought about taking my own life. But I too have responsibilities - to friends and family - so I choose to endure.
I’m sure you’re right that the anniversary of his death looms large and dark on the near horizon, making things more difficult.
All the best to you, Liz
I’m very new to this and I just hope it gets better at some stage. I agree, everything seems pointless at the moment and I am trying really hard to cope but some days I feel like a wreck. Howling do you think it will take u TIL life has some meaning again
I suppose we just have to keep on until gradually some sort of normal is constructed. We certainly won’t ever be. The same people again
Hi LizE
You are describing just as I feel also, My husband died on the last day of March 2018. On the 27th February Wednesday I was at a funeral for my best friends brother, it was also my wedding anniversary - the first without my husband.
On Friday 1st March I was at another funeral, this time my husbands sister and unfortunately the same day last year I took my dear husband into hospital.
It has been a monstrous week, very painful.
There are times I think I am doing OK and then the bottom drops out of my world and all that remains is emptiness. Lots and lots of it and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Friends are not always available and asking can you call round to see someone doesn’t seem easy and makes it harder for them to say sorry.
The recent wedding anniversary would have made it 59 years married. I don’t know how to pick up my life again after such a long time, where do you start?
I’m not much help as I’m struggling the same as you but perhaps that’s help itself, knowing we are not alone and we are grieving in a very normal way.
All the very best
Gogs
I totally agree with everyone here. It has recently been a year for me also. I have a long term illness, contributing nothing to the greater good, whilst my husband was recognised in his field as an innovator and a. Hampson of people’s rights. I do not understand why he died, and I didnt. However, There are a number of things that keep me going, the administrative side; remembering the grief that everyone went through on the death of my husband, and not wanting to inflict that on them again; the way that my hubby dealt with his cancer - with humour and strength. So for me I try to focus on any positives, the time when my granddaughter says she wants to talk to me, the sound of the dawn birds when I’m awake from grief through the night… I hang on to the belief that there is a reason I am still here, and that’s all I can do… I hope that all of you can also believe that too.
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Should read champion
Dear gogs,how hard for you, so much pain to deal with. But I think you’re right, it does help to know others are experiencing something similar, at least it’s reassuring to me to know I’m not going mad!
Dear ValMacW - Family is such a comfort, and especially if there are children to think about. I certainly find that I can’t be miserable in the company of my little grandsons.
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Hi Lize I get it , I struggle often daily with being here I have 18 year old twins so I push on but I’ve buckled more than once I guess it’s what keeps you going versus no pain, when I’m in my right my mind why wouldn’t I stay ? But always lurking in the background is a real darkness. My dogs help as they are a convenient and immediate distraction so please push on for the sunny days … David x
Thank you for your thoughts David. I’m trying to think of things to do to get through today, wet and windy so no walk today! I make a list every morning of tasks and treats that will keep me occupied. This time of the day is the worst for me, too early for supper, most jobs done.
It must have been hard for your twins to lose their mum. Hang in there they need you! Liz x
Dear LizE
I have not posted for quite awhile as. I have been in a very dark place and did not think my thoughts would be helpful to anyone in this forum, although I know everyone is completely non judgmental and we are all suffering and missing loved ones. Like you, I lost my husband almost a year ago on 1st April. He was a wonderful, kind man with a great sense of humour. He was and always will be the love of my life. We did everything together. Like you, I wonder if it is all worth the effort, when I am with family or friends I put on a persona that depicts someone who is coping and getting on with life. However, when I am at home alone or walking on one of our favourite walks, visiting places we enjoyed and resonate with memories I am inconsolable. All I can say is, we all have to allow ourselves time to grieve and yes it is exhausting, not sleeping, not eating properly, but to save friends and family from worrying we have to become good actors. It sounds as though you have good friends and family around you who can offer you support and even if just one thing each day makes you smile or gives you pleasure, hang on to that feeling. I wish you peace and strength
Hi ,ive just joined this site tonight, i understand how you feel about the home being quiet and lonely,ime sorry for your loss too, my hubby passed away on 20/12/18,im finding it really hard to cope at the moment too,people have told me it does get better , but when, its only my 3rd month withot him by my side , and i hate this lonley empty feeling i have now x.
We owe so much to our dogs. I was alone with Brian when he died and I wanted to go with him, it would have been so easy. People would have been coming to the house and the dogs would be found. I looked at them, I love them, they didn’t deserve to lose me as well. They have supported me, loved me, made me laugh, got me up in the morning and taken me for walks. The house is never empty with them here and the greetings are wonderful so I forgive them for hogging the bed and pulling the bedclothes off me all night. We all have to find that inner strength our loved ones would have wanted for us.
Dear Lost soul, thank you for your comments. It sounds as though we have a lot in common. I often think there are 2 of me - the mum and grandmother who takes a full part in family life, along with the friend and neighbour involved in village affairs- and then there’s the other me buried inside with my grief who carries the heavy weight of misery all the time.
You are right, it does take time. Xx
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I lost my wife 2 years ago,after 52 years being together,so i know where you’re coming from.I don’t feel the pain of loss so much as i used to,although i can still have my moments.Pointless,rudderless,no direction,sums up my life,and i don’t expect it to get any better.The worst is feeling lonely in a crowd,as well as coming home to an empty house.I’ll stop there, as i’m having my usual feeling of dread coming on while typing this.I wish you well.
Oh the quiet and lonely house - one of the worst things!
I always thought I’d quite enjoy living on my own - how wrong I was!
I like the word ‘rudderless’ Supersnad, sums it all up.
Dear Supersnad
I think you summed it up well when you said you recognise feelings of dread coming on while you are typing out how your life feels
I have feelings of dread all the time when I think I have got to get through the rest of my life without my husband
It seems pointless
We met when I was 16 and he died last summer when I was 58
How can you come to terms living your life without someone you have known and loved for so very long ?
Nothing has prepared me to cope with the immensity of his loss which was extremely sudden
I will never be the same
I don’t know where I go from here …stuck in this whirlpool of grief
I am no comfort to anyone least of all to my self but I do send you big hugs and understanding
Love from a fellow lost soul
Romy xxxxx
It’s not going to really help anyone,but I feel deeply about your situations, Lize and Romy ,as I know where your coming from.I’m very close with my daughter,and have 2 sons and 7 grandkids,so you would think that I would be o.k. but unfortunately that’s not the case.I’ve always been the extrovert,and my wife was the reverse.I come across to most people I know in the town ,where ,I live as a cheery person,and always up for a laugh,but that’s just a facade,as at some time during each day I feel totally lost.Enough about me,I just hope and pray that life gets better for you,as the loss of my wife 2 years ago,gets a wee bit easier to hear although the word pointless says it all.
PS One other thing that I’ve found when my wife passed away,was that I question my own mortality now,as my wife was the stronger in our marriage and I’d never thought that she would go before me.Changed my whole outlook on life.