It’s a strange comfort to hear others’ stories and be in their company.
My husband always said he wanted to,die before me - he must have known a thing or two!
We met when He was 19 and he died when he was 72., married 47 years. A quote - “when your partner dies you don’t become a single person you become 50% of a whole”. I think that is true, we are all trying to rebuild ourselves again into a single whole person.
I worry all the time that I have an incurable illness. For the first 6 months I was always at the doctor’s. I feel an immense sense of responsibility to stay well and fit for my daughter especially, as her husband is terminally ill with a brain tumour. But even with that, and this doesn’t add up I know, life still has no point without my husband.
My heart goes out to you all, and I send you all my love. Perhaps sharing our torture will help us become stronger. Xx
Dear supersnad
Your thoughts are so accurate, rudderless with no direction, no plans for the future to make so very lonely, being in a crowd or with other couples just compounds that loneliness. that is exactly how I feel. It will be a year on 1st April since I lost my husband of 30 years we had so much on our ‘ wish list ‘ places we were going to visit, things we planned to do together. None of those plans will come to fruition now. I do try to keep busy, coffee mornings, local u3a but all seems pointless. I do not show the world my grief or wear it on my sleeve but so difficult to get through each day. I do hope one day this sadness is not all encompassing as I know my husband would be saying ‘ get out there, enjoy life ‘ without him by my side I just can’t. Thank you everyone for this forum without being able to put my feelings down I don’t know what I would do as friends and family really think I am coping. How wrong they are.
Dear supersnad
Your thoughts are so accurate, rudderless with no direction, no plans for the future to make so very lonely, being in a crowd or with other couples just compounds that loneliness. that is exactly how I feel. It will be a year on 1st April since I lost my husband of 30 years we had so much on our ‘ wish list ‘ places we were going to visit, things we planned to do together. None of those plans will come to fruition now. I do try to keep busy, coffee mornings, local u3a but all seems pointless. I do not show the world my grief or wear it on my sleeve but so difficult to get through each day. I do hope one day this sadness is not all encompassing as I know my husband would be saying ‘ get out there, enjoy life ‘ without him by my side I just can’t. Thank you everyone for this forum without being able to put my feelings down I don’t know what I would do as friends and family really think I am coping. How wrong they are.
As humans we have all evolved to adapt, with the purpose of surviving. Most of us, probably, can survive at a basic level with very little effort involved. We have food, shelter, security and don’t have to become motivated to look for ways to meet those needs.
If that is the level of our needs then I suppose life could be seen as being pointless.
For me, I have a need for more than that. I have a need for self actualisation and personal fulfilment. I can’t let myself believe that life is pointless and I dread a time when it may become so, through illness and infirmity or some other reason.
I believe we all have the potential to be self fulfilling individuals but we have identified barriers that will stop us achieving that. Our brains have evolved to such an extent that we can cope with change, and often rapid incremental change. We have been able to do that since birth, through our school years, through our years at work, and we have had to do that.
To change my perception of my reality I acknowledge a need to have an active life, and in concert with that an active brain. I need new solutions to new problems and I need to pursue new learning. Over the years our most effective learning has been by trial and error, and we have adapted accordingly. My way of speeding up the learning processes has just been to throw myself into doing things, many of which challenged me and my ways of thinking. I am now beginning to see some benefits and some of my new memories, and percepts, have been absorbed by my brain in such a way that my confidence is returning and I don’t make as many excuses for not doing things. I am becoming more interested in things, more enthusiastic about things and more excited about things.
During the final few weeks of my wife’s illness she said to me several times that I had all I needed to get as much as possible from the rest of my life and not to waste it. She was a very intelligent woman and I think it has taken me a long time to work out what she meant, and how profound an assertion that was.
My purpose in sharing this is that it may help someone to think through this in relation to themselves and help them find something more than a pointless existence.
I’m pleased to hear that you’re getting on with life,but i think you’re probably in the minority.I lost my wife 2 years ago,after being with her for 52 years and although i know what you’re saying,there’s no way that i could feel the same,and if i’m honest i don’t think i’d want to.I’m now 72 and although i can go about the routine things in life, i just can’t see a future like you can.I think everyone reacts differently when the lose someone close,and no one can say anything that will be of any help,but i’m happy for you that you’ve found a way.
Thankyou YorkshireLad. I think I must be in agreement with you, although I have said ‘what is the point’, but only once. I am plodding along with the life I had with my husband, I’m just doing it alone now. Except for holidays, not interested now, got rid of cases. I too dread a time when I won’t be active or ill and then I will probably say what is the point. I’m getting long in the tooth nowadays but still feel the need to have things to do. If I was younger I would probably want to do even more. But as I’m a keen walker and will probably return to the ramblers soon, but enjoy walking alone with my dogs anyway, not as far as I used to but nevertheless I get out. I look after our allotments and becoming a bit fed up of people asking me if I’m going to keep Brian’s on and then seeing the look of amazement on their face, as if they are saying ‘what all this’ My plots are tidy and look really good if I say so myself. I get off my backside and work. I go to the gym. At the moment all this keeps me busy but I’m open to idea’s. My husband said I was hard to live with as I always wanted to be doing things and why couldn’t I just keep still sometimes.
It will be a year on 19th May since my husband passed away, and of this month will be 51 years since we got married and my first wedding anniversary without him. Exactly 2 months after we celebrated our golden wedding anniversary I was attending his funeral. I still can’t believe he’s no longer here. I find it very difficult to accept he’s not coming home again. We’d been together since I was 15 years old. I now have a 10 month old pup who g8ves me a reason to get up each morning.
Until last week I’ve not had many ok days, been mainly really bad days, since Friday I’ve had 3 consecutive days where I’ve felt reasonably ok, nothing dramatic, no shouting from the rooftops, they’ve just been better than my usual rotten days.
Not much has changed, I’d been having up to 8 anxiety attacks a day, I’ve identified the main trigger and in the process of removing that by retiring from my accountancy practice. The nights ate still very very lonely, the silence doesn’t help either.
Feelings of isolation, total lack of confidence in anything and scared of taking part in everyday activities I used to love all gave taken their toll.
I don’t think these feelings will ever go away, I’ll never forget my loss, I’ll grieve and mourn my darling husband for the rest of my life but I do think some things will get a little easier, not sure how, what or when, but perhaps an odd distraction from time to time maybe. The deep feeling of losing half of the life I shared with him for over 50 years will be with me always, the love I have in my heart for him will help me to keep his memory alive.
Doesn’t stop the tears every day and evening though. Some days are 1,000 times worse than others. Some days I just wander around the house aimlessly, no sense of purpose at all. I keep getting told this is all part of the grieving process, I’m not so sure at times.
I truly hope we all find some kind of inner peace that makes the rest of our lives as bearable as they possibly can be without our husbands/wives/partners by our side.
Hello there LizE. I do like that quote 50% of a whole. I will remember that.
I’m so sorry your struggling so much. I’m afraid I found that I needed to throw myself into as much as possible to keep my brain and body functioning. It would have been so easy to stay in bed or sit starring into space. I’ve been clearing out his things and that has been a mammoth task and I feel a bit lost now that I’ve pretty well finished. I was decorating within two weeks of losing him and finished that also. I have things to do everyday. I make myself do it. I cry, of course I do. As I walk with my dogs, as I work on our allotments. But it also gives me a sense of achievement at the end of the day. Well done in keeping yourself well and fit, this is most important at our age. For me I keep well away from Doctors, they will always find something wrong. I think of myself as like an old car. ‘while working O.K., leave well alone’ . I don’t feel the need to join clubs or help out at charity shops as I don’t want to be with people to that extent. I enjoy walking alone and working on our allotments. I can go with my moods. I have the company of my dogs at all times, they are my ‘comfort blanket’.
I do hope you will find a point in life and I’m sure sharing will help us all.
Very profound but thank you xxxxxxx
Our reality is unique to us and so it sounds like you’ve got to a position where you are becoming more comfortable in yours. Getting back to walking with the Ramblers will be a good target to aim for, especially if you had a good network of people who were enjoyable company. I’m going to walk again with my group this Thursday and it’s an easier, less challenging, walk than last time. I am looking forward to it.
You sound like you’ve achieved a lot already but closing your mind to holidays or participating in group membership might limit your experiences in terms of making new memories and learning new things. Maybe in a few more months you may think differently although you do have opportunities already with dogwalks and allotments for social interaction so I doubt you will retreat into your shell. You sound to me like you’ve got the necessary drive to get a bit nearer where you want to be.
I do accept that there are people who have no desire to change much and wish to live in a way which is different to how I see things.
My wife died August 2018 and I am 69.We were together for 49 years and married for 44 years. Unfortunately she is dead and I can’t change that, as much as I would like to.
I think we all get on with life at a functional level and that may be enough for many. There’s no right way and no wrong way.
My wife was desperate to live and, because of that, I feel it’s a duty or imposition on me to do so.
I think you are a great case of someone who was pushed into the deep end without any warning and chose to swim rather than sink. I know you will say you didn’t have a choice but, like everyone else, you did. I hope that, when you reflect on that, you can use it as motivation. Reading your posts recently I wondered if you’d suddenly stopped doing, started thinking and scared yourself. I know that feeling as it’s happened a couple of times for me.
Just keep telling yourself that you’ve achieved amazing things and believe it.
Thankyou. At the moment I feel I have enough interaction with people. I have met up with friends from time to time and been asked to visit but not too keen at the moment. When I walk, I usually meet people to have a chat with, even if we only chat about the dogs. The allotment has been a godsend.as members stop for a chat, or at the least a friendly wave. I already volunteer to look after a garden area for all members but used to be on the committee as was my husband, perhaps I will offer my services again but not yet. Not really a committee person anyway. Holidays are a no.no. As I have the dogs to think about and always felt that people on their own were very brave and could sometime seem like a ‘Billy no mates’. I’m a terrible traveller anyway and have to take travel sickness tablets that send me to sleep. Only really did it because my husband enjoyed travelling so much. I don’t think at the moment I would have the patience to cope with mass conversation in groups. But who knows I am keeping an open mind. I do however feel that it’s so important to keep active both in body and mind. Good luck on the walk. I’m afraid I’m waiting for there to be less mud about as having walked in all conditions for years now want it to be a bit cushier with no knee deep mud and water. Dogs would get dirty anyway. That my excuse.
Dear Yorkshire Lad .
I haven’t stopped doing but did stop to catch my breath . We have achieved quite a lot in the garage the past 6 months . I think my husband would be very proud of us . I hope so anyway . But when I say that I feel like I am being stabbed in the chest because the feeling comes over me in a wave that I am never going to see him again and that makes me feel very down .
I make myself push past that feeling and get on with the next phase of stuff that needs doing to keep the business moving forward for the people who work there, for my children for the future and in honour of my husband and all the hard work and effort he put into it to make it what it is
I don’t know where I go from here personally . The business , my kids and my mum are my main priority
I am afraid of not having stuff to do because that’s when I go downhill . When I feel I have no purpose but I have to watch that I don’t get overtired or spend too much time on my own which is rare …or not have any time to myself !! …which is more usual .
I am trying to get the balance right now for the long term but I will need to find something extra just for me to do even if it’s going for a swim or something because all work and no play makes Jill a dull girl
I am rambling now
I am seeing the bereavement counsellor tomorrow
I will let you know how I get on
Take care
Love Romy xxxxx
I’m pleased to hear that there are people who are more optimistic about the future.I personally take one day at a time as i can’t think much further.The things that keep me going are that my daughter pops in for a cup of tea,just about every day.I’ve been painting miniature figurines for many years and find that i can shut down when i’m doing this,and finally, i visit my local coffee shop once a day where i meet people. Unfortunately i’ve always been a pessimist ,and my wife was the optimist.I’m also a sceptic,so counselling would be no use to me,as if they haven’t had a loss themselves,then how can they know how a feel.I’ve had a spell of depression in the past and went to a councellor and was a waste of time as if they haven’t experienced it,there’s no way they know how it feels,although it may help other people.
Dear Romy
That feeling of loss and the idea that we aren’t going to see or touch them again is so acutely painful I just can’t verbalise it, even to myself. There are no words.
Maybe in time we will condition our minds in such a way that we don’t link particular sequences of thoughts. I think that is one of the intentions or possibilities for CBT.
I went to a U3A meeting today and there were at least 100 people there to see and hear a presentation by a man called Ken Robertshaw about his journey across the Arctic with 6 dogs and a sled. It was amazing how he managed but at the end he told us he did it to raise money for the Theodoras Children’s Trust and he then went on to show film of how the money was spent to help seriously ill children. It was very touching and I’m glad I sat on the back row where I could wipe my eyes. Right at the end he thanked his most fervent supporter, his wife, and showed her picture. She died in December 2017 in a hospice. That just did it for me, although he just held it together.
What was even more remarkable is that he
is cycling over 2500 miles this year on a fundraising cycle ride in America. I think he said he is 65.
I’m glad to say the people there were throwing large quantities of money into his basket.
How does someone like that carry on and do so much good.
That is absolutely amazing
What a brave and lovely man
I am lost for words
Some people are just so amazing …blows my mind
We could do with some of his enthusiasm and motivation
Thank you for sharing
It is inspirational and just the kick I need up the bum if I start feeling sorry for myself
Lots of love
Romy xxxxx
Thanks LizE,
Might seem strange to say but I’m weary even of me!!
Grief is absolutely draining of life, I don’t know when I last felt Ok.
Gogs
Dear Yorkshire Lad
Hope you don’t mind me messaging you but you are the last person I’ve been conversing with in the forum
Was supposed to go to bereavement counselling this morning but I have cancelled it because I just can’t face talking about me , my husband , what happened , how I’m feeling and all that stuff today
Am I wrong to duck out of it or am I right to follow my gut instinct which says no …don’t go ,stay home , do stuff with my dogs , my mum , my business , my friends …?
I am going through a bit of a muddied up phase at the moment I think but I don’t think talking to the counsellor will help . I just need to think it through and sort it out myself but I would be grateful for your thoughts on the matter because you seem like a very sensible thoughtful man
Love Romy xxx
Dear Romy
I can’t see any point in putting yourself through it unless you absolutely feel the time is right. I think whenever you do go ahead with it will have to be when you feel up to it as there is going to be a need to be able to talk about everything. It’s a difficult question but do you know how you would know if the time is right. I’ve no doubt a good skilled counsellor could help you to work through things, but only when the time is right and you feel that need and commitment. They would be probably be understanding and it will happen all the time.
Don’t worry about it.