Life seems so pointless

Losing a partner
41

I’ve had a couple of fairly ok days, woke this morning recounting a very disturbing dream, trying not to keep recalling it. Don’t remember all of it just the disturbing sections.

I’ve just had my porridge and a 2nd cup of tea, both Winston and Ada are waiting patiently to go on their morning walk and still sat at the dining table staring at the wall aware I felt completely empty and totally lost.

Regained a little bit, now I’m, not actually scared in the frightened sense, but scared in the apprehensive sense, that today will turn out to be a back step into the realms of another bad day. Trying to escape this feeling is only dragging me deeper into this dark cloud looming overhead,

I don’t know if it’s the aftermath of the disturbing dream or not. Just feel very insecure, unsettled and beginning to feel anxious.

Just want to curl up, go to sleep and wake up when this tidal wave has passed me by.

42

Dear Yorkshire Lad
I’ve been twice before . Once at the end of November because they had a cancellation and I was desperate to talk and again last month because there was a cancellation. The counsellor gave me another appointment for today but today I just can’t face it . Perhaps I got a lot off my chest on the previous occasions . Perhaps I am moving into a different phase on this grief journey. Who knows .
I always make myself do what I’m supposed to do or what I’ve agreed to but today it just didn’t feel right to force myself to do something I don’t want to do
I might knock it in the head for a bit . I will follow my gut instinct
I’m not going to make a big deal about it now …like you said …don’t worry about it
People are probably changing their minds and cancelling stuff all the time it’s just that I rarely do . Perhaps this is the new me
Thank you for your help
Romy xxx

43

Dear day at a time
Perhaps you should go back to bed after you have seen to the dogs
I should have gone to counselling this morning but couldn’t face it so have cancelled and am still in bed with my dogs
You have pushed yourself hard recently with work and the dream you had last night has upset you
Maybe it’s time we showed ourselves a bit more self compassion
We have all been put through the mill in recent months and it is probably catching up on us
I hope you feel a bit better soon
Sending love
Romy xxx

44

Hi Day at a time, this is for you…and Romy too…

If the mountain seems too big today
then climb a hill instead
If the morning brings you sadness
it’s OK to stay in bed
If the day ahead weighs heavy
and your plans seem like a curse
there’s no shame in rearranging
don’t make yourself feel worse
If a shower stings like needles
and a bath feels like you’ll drown
if you haven’t washed your hair for days
don’t throw away your crown
A day is not a lifetime
a rest is not defeat
don’t think of it as failure
just a quiet, kind retreat
It’s OK to take a moment
from an anxious, fractured mind
the world will not stop turning
while you get realigned
The mountain will still be there
when you want to try again
you can climb it in your own time
just love yourself 'til then!

xxx

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45

That is so lovely and sums up how I feel today
Thank you so much
It must have taken you ages to type out
It’s much appreciated
Love Romy xxxxx

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46

Thank you Romy, I managed to remain calm whilst walking these two rascals, they don’t do anything different whilst we’re out, it’s only when my tolerance level is zero that I find them too much. On the pug walk on Sunday I let Ada off the lead for the first time, I’m wary of doing so in the field as she’s easily distracted and runs like a whippet on speed.

I’m going to have an hour in bed whilst these two have a nap on the sofa. Then see how I feel.

I’ve a meditation CD and book that I’ve not used for a couple of years, I may play that, it did help me a while ago when all my energies were shifting. There are sample videos on YouTube- Getting into the Vortex by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

The book I’m still reading On Grief and Greiving by Katherine Kubhler-Ross is very helpful, when I’m in the mood for reading. Bought another 2 books end of last week, they look to be equally helpful too.

Doesn’t change my current mindset though.

Hope you feel a little better soon Romy,

Blessings
Jen ☆

47

That’s a lovely poem. Thanks for sharing it.

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48

So beautuful, thank you so much for taking the time to share. It’s lovely. ☆

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49

Dear Jen
How has the rest of the day been ?
I have struggled a bit but have done what I’m supposed to in terms of work , family and animals
Feeling a bit better now
Going to watch some telly with my mum after clearing up after dinner
Hope you and the dogs are ok
Love Romy xxxxx

50

Evening Romy,

I took your advice and had an hour’s nap. Then decided to sort through one if the boxes from the back room. Found a stash of holiday photos, ended up looking through most and found a lovely one of Alan and I on holiday in Dominican Republic in October 1998, days just after Hurricane George destroyed the South of the island. I’d forgotten all about this photo, in fact I don’t even remember seeing it, it made me feel really warm inside, to me the photo oozed love and brought to life more memories.

Finding that photo lifted my spirits and the day improved 100 fold. I’ve put it in a frame until I can get it enlarged, don’t want it to get damaged.
It enforced how much I miss Alan each day,

Felt much better for coming across this holiday photo of the two of us. It was taken at the end of a perfect meal and a perfect evening. I feel it was placed in my path to help me and to show me how much we meant and still mean to each other.

Funny how things are put in our path at the precise moment we need help. I had been through that box a few times but didn’t look through the photos because I was too busy. Today the opportunity was there.

let’s see what tomorrow brings ☆

Night God bless,

Blessings

Jen☆

51

Oh that’s lovely Jen
Gave you a bit of a lift
So pleased for you
Yes fingers crossed tomorrow will be manageable
Lots of love
Romy xxxx

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52

Thank you Romy, hope your day will be better too.

Jen ☆

53

Dear Jen
Hope you are alright this morning
I woke up in a panic and wondered what to do so I looked at your replies yesterday and then looked up Jerry and Esther Hicks stuff …getting into the vortex ? I listened to some clips on you tube and they did help
My husband was passionate about life and was passionate about me and our children and his business
So I tried to just focus on those thoughts and they have helped me feel a bit more positive than when I woke up
I miss him like crazy but he is always with me . I just have to learn to tune into his energy more because I think that will help
I probably sound a bit weird and new agey now but trying to think in this more positive way might help stop me from going on another downward spiral today
A bit like how the photo that you found of the two of you yesterday helped you to feel a bit better
I was given a lovely wooden photo frame with hearts on by a close friend of mine for my birthday last month and put a photo of me and Mark on the day we got married in it but then couldn’t bear to put it up and look at it because it was upsetting me so much . My father was also in it . He passed away from cancer 24 years ago and was a lovely , kind man . The two most important men in my life and such a contrast to my grumpy father in law who I have had to contend with in the family business every day since my husband died …
Anyway I am going to put that photo up today of me , my husband and my father . The men who loved me most and still do today and try and connect to their love and passion and kindness . It is the antidote to everything I have experienced and been subjected to the past 6/7 months I am sure and will make me stronger and better able to deal with the times ahead
So thank you for pointing me in that direction . It has really helped so far today
Whether I can maintain this positivity I don’t know but I am going to give it a damn good try . I think they would want me to
Sending lots of love
Romy xxxxx

54

Hello LizE, I am so sorry to hear of all your sadness. It is so difficult and you are stronger than you imagine but at times it doesn’t feel like you are but you’ve come this far and you know you have to go on for all your loved ones. My sister in law died last August after a fight of secondary breast cancer and my brother who I was most close to couldn’t live without her and sadly took his own life 10 weeks later. The sadness and huge chasm it has left in the family is so awful. Thinking of you as we all just try to go on.

55

Morning Romy,

So pleased you found the link helpful. I used to meditate every single day up to 2017. When we list little Henry, Winston’s brother, at 13 months old, I turned my back on Reiki, up until then I was a Reiki Master/teacher, I went back to my spiritual beliefs from being a child. So I understand your ‘new age’ thoughts completely.

I had a very restless night, woke feeling a groundhog day looming. Fed Ada, weather atrocious so she’s refusing to set paw outside. She’s sleeping now, I’ve come upstairs, ive written a few pages in my journal which ended in me weeping buckets, I kerp trying to visualise, sense and feel Alan’s presence, I know he’s here and sometimes his presence is stronger than other times, yet this morning it’s very subtle. I thanked him for placing the photo in my path, I’ve put it in a frame to keep it from getting damaged until I can get it enlarged.

Have very strange feeling a today, very mixed up, don’t know which way it will turn out. Never felt this before. I’m wondering if I’m now trying to manage the rapid mood/emotional switches from despair and overwhelming grief to lighter mood/emotional moods of love. Yesterday the photo of us both took me right back to that evening in October 1998 and it made me feel happier than I have since he passed, perhaps I want to hold onto that feeling until a new emotional happy time of ours reappears, is holding onto something like this the way or am I just thinking gibberish.

I know I can’t spend every second of every day just holding a happy loving photo wishing desperately Alan came back to me. That is the impossible. He’s come back on the form of a long forgotten memory, and I’m truly grateful, he lives on in my heart, my mind and my soul.

It’s such a shame your f-i-l is a nasty piece of work. Alan’s mother was the same with me, thankfully she died a few years back. I can use that word for her, but doesn’t sit comfortably for me with Alan.

Hope today duesbt become another rollercoaster for either of us.

I’ve lots of spiritual books and meditation cds if you need any help with choosing one. Just shout and I’ll do my best to help. Not all are as good as the critics make out of course, but I have my favourites. Tend to try to download a a sample on kindle before buying the book. (I prefer a book to reading on kindle)

Love and blessings
Jen ☆

56

Dear EllenAlex
I know this message is not for me but it was so sad to read I felt I had to acknowledge it
It is heartbreaking to hear of what has happened to your sister in law and brother
Please know we are all thinking of you
Romy xxxx

57

Thank you Jen
You have been a great help to me
I will bear in mind your offer of help re choosing books and cds
At the moment just trying to hold on to my vaguely positive mood for the moment
Lots of love Romy xxxxx

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58

People used to look puzzled when they knew I was a Chartered Certified Accountantant and also a Reiki Master Teacher opposite ends of the spectrum. Accountancy was my career, Reiki, at that time, was my passion. I gave everything I owned connected to reiki away after Alan passed away. I’d already ceased practicing when Henry lost his liver shunt battle, couldn’t see the point, my life long spiritual beliefs have always been with me and only these past few weeks they’re beginning to fire up again. Mainly triggered by the support from you and every one else on this forum.

Thank.you so much
Jen☆

59

I’m loving this horrible weather. It’s miserable… just like me.

I am laughing as I write that though… x

60

Dear Jen
I think you should go back to it in the long term
It’s your calling
Love Romy xxxx

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