Life without my amazing guy

Hi, I have never, before this, joined any online groups and never had a Facebook account, so all this is very new to me. I have been looking online for support groups for around two weeks and visited this site a few times.
I chose this, as everyone is so supportive and friendly, though I do still feel a little apprehensive about this as I am not really one for discussing my personal affairs publicly. I realise now though, that many things in my life have and will continue to change and decisions made without being able to just simply ask Dave what he thinks, and get his opinion in seconds.
I have recently lost Dave, my gorgeous hubby - We had been together 40yrs and married for 38 yrs. Dave was everything to me and never failed to make me laugh, to make me feel loved, happy and safe. There were never any grey areas when it came to making decisions and he would give the answer to something within seconds by just removing the middle bit. Now I am making decisions on my own which seems quite daunting.
We were at the stage in or lives where we often knew what the other was thinking.
We were in our teens when we met. He was an amazing husband and father to our two grown-up sons and, as our 5 grandchildren put it - He smashed it at being a Granddad - He was just the best!
Dave was a builder, He was strong and not the sort to take time off work.
I could count on one hand the times he went to see our GP, though In May 2019 he had complained of pain which he admitted was getting steadily worse - I managed to get him an emergency appointment which he reluctantly attended, and from there we were advised to go to A&E where they diagnosed multiple pulmonary embolisms, but after various tests and anticoagulant medication he was quickly back to himself.
We had the, getting older aches and pains, or would, at times forget what we were looking for and/or going to say. We would joke about it, and even had common ailment competitions - the one with fewer issues on the day, having to make the brew. We were so together, we really were soulmates and could not imagine life without the other, though now I have to live my life without my best buddy, he was with me all these years, yet gone within hrs.
On a Saturday morning in October 2019 we were both off work and planned to have a lazy morning, then see about tackling any jobs around the house later, maybe. We were having breakfast whilst watching tv when Dave said he felt a bit light-headed - these were the last words I heard from him. He became unresponsive immediately after saying this and was pronounced dead at 5 pm the following day having never regained consciousness. He died from a bleed in his brain.
I and both our sons were at his bedside throughout this horrendous ordeal, talking to him constantly, willing him to stay, but he couldn’t.
Our world, our hearts smashed into billions of pieces.
I just don’t get it - What is life all about? We find someone we love with all our heart, they too love us with all their heart and then they’re gone!! leaving a partner, children, grandchildren, and more, the list just goes on, all devastated, bewildered.
Then our hearts break all over again when we see our children and grandchildren left heartbroken -
We all miss him so, so much.
Some day’s I just don’t know what’s going on at all, other days I cry continually and then I have days when I feel quite together and seem to know what I need to do to move forward and then suddenly I don’t know anything any more. and so this cycle just goes round again and again.
I write to Dave at night, a few times a week and then sob my heart out and fall asleep which often leaves me feeling a little stronger and more positive the following day, other than, of course, the horrendous feeling, that I can only describe as…
The early, daily, realisation punch to the stomach.
I just seem to alternate between feeling that I can cope and feeling like I can’t / won’t cope ever.
I have started to feel angry quite a lot, I know my tolerance levels are not what they used to be and I challenge things that wouldn’t have bothered me that much when Dave was here? I have even shouted at Dave for not helping me when I don’t know what to do, then I feel guilty.
I just don’t know how to feel anymore, I just know that I need people who know how losing a loved one really feels and the effect on those around us.
I am also constantly wondering where my amazing hubby, my whole world my everything, has gone !!
Can anyone help pls x

Hi,
So sorry for your loss of your lovely husband.
You have done the right thing joining this site, as there are lovely people that all feel as you are feeling, and being in the same boat we can all share our feelings and can all relate .
It’s heartbreaking when life is going along , everything is perfect and it all changes just like that.
I’m at about the same time as you,as I lost my husband in November, and feel the same as you do. sometimes strong and other times struggling.
You have to take things day by day and not look into the future.
You have got a lovely family around you, keep each other strong.
Keep posting on here, it is a lifeline and it does make you feel some comfort, I would be lost without this site .
Love to you and your family.
Steph x

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Hi elly
I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t normally respond to posts where people have lost their partners as it is my mum I lost, but I’m always really interested in ones where the loved one has died of a bleed on the brain.
My mum was 74 and so strong. She practically ran our home and did all my childcare, the shopping and the cooking. On the 13th june she went into hospital for an hours operation and I was collecting her the following morning. We sat and joked about how this was a little blip and we would be enjoying a glass of wine on holiday in august.
The operation was fine and mum chatted with the surgeon in the recovery room about her grandchildren and our family holiday. She suddenly said she felt funny down her left side, became unconscious and never woke again. She died the following day.
I just dont understand how someone can be full of life ,strong and fit and be taken by a sudden bleed on the brain. The postmortem stated that the operation was nothing to do with the bleed. Just coincidental.
She would have had it if she had been at home apparently.
9 months on and living without her is torturous. When I read other stories about people who have suffered the same fate it scares me that you just can develop such a thing.
Thinking of you.
Cheryl x

Hello elly,
Welcome to this forum, a place where not one of us wants to be.
I am so sorry that your lovely husband passed away, you do sound to be soul mates, my husband of 59 years died suddenly last August (2019). It was such a shock when I found him on our bedroom floor, he had died. Members here are so compassionate and understanding they are like a breath of fresh air. This corner of the computer has been my salvation.
Please keep on posting, elly, you will find that there will be someone close by to offer comfort and support.
It is quiet during the night, but the rest of the time there is always somebody around,
Blessings,
MaryL x x

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Hi Elly,
So sorry that you are suffering through this pain. The way you describe grief is so eloquent and unfortunately so true.
You will find yourself through it and emerge you again. Somehow as time passes, a scar forms over the hole left by Dave’s absence, the traumatic memory of that day gets pushed backward and becomes more dull feeling. Leaving you to focus more on the happy memories.
I lost my dad over the summer just as suddenly as your husband - out of the blue. My mom found him watching TV. She is going through the exact list of experiences that you describe and so did I. On top of losing him, its is equally as hard to watch my family suffer through grief.
I also wonder where is my dad? There are many varieties of answers to that question, some requiring imagination and hope. Because we do not know, we have a choice to make to decide the answer. Some will say we are machines and the end is an off switch. Others will postulate that there is judgment and a consequence to this life that is doled out when it ends, finalized by a permanent inflexible placement. Others think there is something after, it does not judge, it circumvents space, time, and things that are physical, it is whatever we choose to make it. I like the last option and choose to believe that is where my dad is. He is sad that he is not with my mom, and does not like watching us suffer, but he is also happy because it feels good to be part of the universe. He knows we will reunite someday, and without the boundaries of space and time, he does not feel like he is waiting.
You are doing a good job getting through this. I watched this forum a lot before participating. It has helped me navigate, and given me a distraction when needed.
Ell

Hello, Ell,
Thank you for such a deep and meaningful post, it is very comforting. I firmly believe that one day we shall be re-united with our loved ones, probably not in the same way as we have lived on this earth but nevertheless, we shall be together again.
Grief is such a horrible emotion, yet, it is the price we pay for love and in my opinion well worth the tears and heartache which we have thrust upon us. I am missing my Stan more and more as the days go by, I thank God that the last words he said to me were “I do love you, loads”. I am so grateful for this, I answered him by saying that I loved him loads, too. He never spoke to me again, he died, I had gone across the road to ask a friend and neighbour (medically trained) if she would take a look at him. I was beside myself and how I regretted that he had passed alone, I do believe that this was his wish and he waited until I wasn’t there. I have found medication in his cabinet, which I never knew he was taking, typically he did not want to alarm me. I know that he is now in a better place and that one day I shall see him again.
Love,
Mary x x

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Hello Elly. I have been giving you a lot of thought and wondering what I can put here that might help you, but to be honest there isn’t much. You have described your grief exactly as it is and, on this forum, we all know that the way you describe your mixed emotions has been exactly the same for all of us. It’s a cruel and relentless pain that we have to suffer for the price of happiness and loving so much. The grief gremlin has no mercy.
Your Dave sounds a lovely man, good husband that made you happy, was your best buddy, a good father and grandfather, how proud of him you must be. At the moment none of this will mean much to you as you just want that special man back in your life. But he hasn’t left it, he is still there with you and that love will never die and one day you might be able to remember all the good things without so much sadness.
I am over a year now but Brian is still a big part of my life and like you I sometimes have a rant at him and ask him why he left me, did I do something wrong, did he stop loving me???
My husband suffered a painful death and I was told that his spirit was now at peace and he was being well cared for. I had many visitations from him the first year and he always looked healthy and how he was before his illness. This gave me comfort. Now there is very little from him and I have been told he has moved on, so I imagine him walking through a door and going to a new life. How we cope is what can give us comfort and I am not going to say that time heals but time seems to make you have more acceptance. I still have those bad days but I accept it as an offering to my husband of my love and I don’t fight it. I think we all have those days where we cry continually but it does seem to give us strength later. My biggest surprise was how I didn’t know myself anymore, I had changed so much.
Take care of yourself.
Pat x

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Hi Mary
Me too and thank you.
We are getting to know each other a bit through these different posts. You are a kind thoughtful person and I believe Stan is waiting for you and in no rush.
Ell

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Hi Ell,
Thank you so much for your comforting message.
Mary x

Hi
Really sorry to hear the loss of your husband. I know what its like as I lost my husband last year.
Its great that you joined this site as he gave me such comfort after losing Mike and I made a great friend of one of the members on the site. I dont think I could have got here without this site and my new friend. You are lucky you have a family to keep you going, I have none to speak of. It will be hard to start with and stays hard but it is a different life without your partner to chat too. Keep strong, keep going and keep messaging it really helps. You will find others feel just the same as you and it really helps to keep in contact with these people as they will be able to comfort you knowing exactly how you feel. Take good care keep well and keep safe Love Suex

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Hi, All,
Thank you to everyone who has read my post and replied with support and advice, which has helped so much.
I have just had a really difficult time and have been unable to read through these, because the tears just wouldn’t stop. I seemed to go through a period of just feeling numb to it all ,I couldn’t pinpoint a specific emotion and wonder if it’s a type of shock. It seemed to mask everything for a while and then I just went too pieces didn’t want to get out of bed , cried all day, just felt so lost. I am getting back up again, and your posts are helping so much thank-you.
This current situation which keeps us all apart doesn’t help us when we are trying to deal with losing our loved ones now there are restrictions on social gatherings .I had just found a healing /meditation group which seemed to help and which isn’t able to reopen until this is over.
I have just read somewhere (not this site) about a woman who lost her husband suddenly aged 35 and was left to bring up 2 young children.
She talked about her feelings , how she felt unable to cope and how she became consumed with finding out where her husband had gone.
Her studies led her to write books and help others understand more about this and to help them through.
I haven’t read any of her books yet ,but I certainly found her ‘pre book’ studies and findings really interesting and comforting.
I know this probably won’t interest everyone, some may have already looked into this - I just wanted to put it on here in case it can help anyone else - I just stumbled across it really I just know the title of one of her books is…
‘Where did you go’? Her name is
Christina Rasmussen.
I will reply to everyone’s post I just wanted to say Thankyou first to everyone and let you know that I haven’t just left this site .
Elly x

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Thank you Elly, I shall look her up. I hope today is bearable. Stay strong. Much love :kissing_heart:

Hi I’ve just read your post and found it interesting about the book you mentioned. I have lots of questions about where my husband is, can he hear us,everyone wants answers so we cling on to anything,
I will definitely look into getting the book, thank you so much, it’s a horrible time for all of us
Steph x

I’ve subscribed to Christina’s weekly newsletter. It may be helpful / interesting. Thanks again Elly for bringing her to our attention. For anyone who’s interested, here’s the link:

https://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=7z5KF&m=3tSxyC11DJoo13_&b=JolNPc_dsgo0vWqGtg3Q.Q

Xx

Thanks I’ll have a look x

I too lost my partner of 26 years in October. He was fit and healthy, played golf, walked and was constantly busy with diy on our new house.
Everything changed when he had a seizure last August and an untreatable brain tumour was found. He died suddenly and unexpectedly 11 weeks later at home while I was talking to him.
I was overwhelmed by grief, angry that the pleasure in our new home had been taken from us and felt that life was pointless.
I looked at this online community regularly and found relief in the knowledge that I wasn’t the only person feeling this huge loss and that I wasn’t going mad.
I just wanted someone to reassure me that it wasn’t the end of the world and that I would overcome the grief. However, as everyone tells me, you never get over the loss, you just learn to cope with it.
I continued to take part in all my usual activities, went out with friends etc because I was advised that this was better than staying at home grieving. I can’t say that I took any enjoyment in this and felt I was just going through the motions. I cried every day at some point and had a handful of days when I had to give in, stay at home and let the grief overwhelm me . This isn’t failure but an occasional necessity.
Five months after his death I am returning to my old self. I still cry, but not as much and I have to take each day at a time as I still can’t bear to look into the future. I do feel that it’s too soon to be feeling OK and I am expecting setbacks, particularly because the current pandemic has left me totally isolated. However, I am keeping busy and starting to take pleasure in small things like the blossoming trees.
All I can say to help is what has worked for me, though I know we are all different. Getting out and about is no longer possible but do what you can. Make lists of jobs to do - the sense of achievement can give you confidence and raise your spirits even though sometimes it’s so hard to motivate yourself. I’ve taken great satisfaction from solving little problems like changing a fuse and therefore getting the shredder and washing machine to work again, mowing the lawn and weeding the flower beds and enjoying the results. My biggest job so far has been cleaning the roof, gutters etc on the conservatory and I felt so proud of myself. Just be careful not to put yourself at risk on wobbly ladders!
Bereavement is the worst thing I’ve ever had to face. Life will never be the same and I wish I could turn back the clock but this is the life I have now.
My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering as I am and I so hope that you can come to terms with the situation.
Kate

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Hi Kate,
Just reading your post makes me feel a bit better .
You describing the jobs that needed to be done, I’m with you there. I’ve had to fix the washing machine, finish decorating, charging the car battery and more. Things I thought I couldn’t really do, but I am proud of myself for doing it.
This is our new life now and it is hard, but we’ve got no choice.
Thank you for your uplifting post and sorry to hear the loss of your husband.
Steph x

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