So I lost my mum unexpectedly 3 and a half months ago, just before Christmas. I am struggling with the weight of the grief and even doing my job is a struggle most days. I’m a teacher and I just can’t deal with the difficult stuff at the moment. I’m supposed to be on reduced duties but feel like I’m letting everyone down most of the time.
Anyway I live alone and I was supposed to be going on holiday to Portugal the week after Easter with a lot of people from a friend’s running club. It was booked last summer- my mum encouraged me to book it. Obviously neither of us knew what was going to happen.
So now I really don’t want to go. I only know a couple of people and otherwise there’s about 50 strangers. I am panicking at the thought. I’m nowhere near back to normal day to day life and even things I used to enjoy like the gym and parkruns feel too much at the moment. I can’t face doing anything fun or social really. I’m not ready and get overwhelmed quickly.
However, most people in my life are telling me to go. That it’d do me good and my mum would want it. I want to scream. My mum would understand. And how can I go on holiday and sit in the sun when she’s not here??!! I just can’t wrap my head around it.
Just wondered if anyone has advice about going on holiday so soon? I feel like I’d be sat in Portugal on my own crying instead of here but would lose the comfort of being at home. The sun would be welcome obviously and it’s probably my only chance of a holiday this year but it feels like far too much too soon.
I know exactly what you mean. I lost my mum 19 years ago, I don’t think I could’ve gone on holiday so soon to be honest.
I still am grieving my mum after all these years. I used to be a nurse but for the past 2 years I haven’t been able to work due to depression and anxiety and I think a lot is related to losing my mum.
Maybe I’m not being helpful but I prefer being in the comfort of my own home at times like this. Portugal will always be there. If you feel you’re not ready to go, don’t go. You know yourself best and if you’re having doubts like you are rather then looking forward to it, in my opinion you’re probably best not going.
Thank you. It helps to hear it from someone else. I just can’t deal with doing anything that looks or feels like fun. I can only just about manage to function at the moment.
I lost mum in July last year and still cannot do certain things, going on holiday would be a no no for me. But everyone is different and I suppose when you are there it will be likely that being in a crowd will take your mind into a different place and may help you to heal a little ( not that it will take away your thoughts and pain of losing your mum)
It’s still early days and I’ve learned that the key to lost is to keep busy and try to keep pushing yourself each day one step at a time .
Can you not talk to someone who is going and tell them how your feeling so you feel you have some support
Thanks. I think it’s a no no for me really too. It feels wrong being away. It’s only the thought of some warmth and sunshine that’s tempting.
My friend knows the situation- it’s someone I work closely with so I see her every day. I’m also mindful she might need a break from me and my grief. She has a lot going on herself and has tried to support me but it’s hard.
I’m mostly decided not to go but I know I’m isolating myself at the moment and I’m very lonely. I just want my mum.
Hello Bach, I know that when Mum died in October, my sister came up for just that day and I was then left in the home that I lived in with Mum. My sister offered me to go with her, but I needed to be in a familiar place as I felt close to my Mum that way. There will be plenty of opportunities to go on holiday when you are ready. I learnt early on that I need to follow my own timeline. I found that if I pushed myself too much I was in danger of crumbling. Teaching is stressful, long hours and hard work. It might be difficult to practically draw the line on how the reduced duties work, but what about a phased return?
Thank you. Yeah I think that’s the feeling that I can’t explain to people who don’t get it. I didn’t live with my mum but I feel like she’s here. I feel like I’d be leaving her behind going away and that just feels and sounds ridiculous to most people. The thought fills me with panic. So thank you for understanding.
Work-wise I did do a phased return but the craziness of school life soon takes over. I try to do short days still now-leaving by 4- but I’m assistant head and I’m getting really overwhelmed when problems arise. I’ve spoken to my boss about it multiple times and he agrees I need to step back a bit… but then the pressure builds again. I’m not sure what the solution is really. Going off sick isn’t really what I want but I’m not pulling my weight at all.
Are you able to get some wfh time each week, PPA and LMT? In that way you might be able to keep on top of paperwork without the distractions and ‘fire-fighting’ at school. Perhaps your HT could send an email asking staff to redirect problems etc to another member of SLT to give you some breathing space? You have had bereavement and people forget especially when it is busy and if they are used to you sorting things out, as we still look the same on the outside. You need to be able to have some time to grieve, which will be difficult if you don’t have the space to think.
Yeah I get ppa and lmt but I’ve been staying in school for it so that’s a good sugggestion. I could try and work from home a bit. I’ve been missing staff meetings too as that gets a bit much. I feel terrible for not doing what I used to but I know you’re right- the grief just overwhelms me at times. Thank you so much for your suggestions- it helps so much having people to talk to who understand.
I really understand your feelings of overwhelm at work; I feel the same. I’m thinking of taking some time out to try and go back a bit more healed but it’s hard to know what is best. I just can’t operate or function in the same way I once did. I’m sure I will again in time but it’s been 2.5 months and if anything my overwhelm is worse than it was.
My Mum died in the October. I knew then that I needed the time as I could not focus and knew that I would not be able to cope with the pressure at work. I took just over 2 months out. I am glad that I took that time. I needed to go at my own pace. I took each day at a time and I still do. I think that it is important to respond to how you are feeling. I found that having kind people around me at work has really helped me. I have reminded people that I might look okay on the outside but on the inside I am not. I tend to go into ‘function’ mode at work.
I did a phased return and then after that cut my hours back a bit which helped as I go home in the evenings and I’m totally peopled out. I’ve tried reminding people often that I’m not ok but after a few days they start piling pressure back on. Just don’t think they understand which is very lucky for them. I’ve got 2 weeks off now for Easter but then go back to 2 parents evenings which I’m dreading.
Bach, I find that when I am tired then I am more likely to struggle and I get upset more quickly. Teaching is demanding and exhausting on its own. The non-stop nature of teaching and workload is relentless and gives no time to replenish which is needed when someone so close has died. People get caught up with the demands of the job and forget what someone is going through and there is no ‘space’ in the day. I hope that you can get away sharpish on those other nights.
Yes teaching is so demanding , I don’t know how people do it at the best of times let alone when they are going through grief. I hope you manage to enjoy some good times over the next two weeks. Try and rest as much as you can. I work in a corporate environment, it comes with its own challenges. I had a month off after mum died on 16/1 but it was full of funeral and business and then I went back in 100 miles an hour and I just can’t cope. My brain feels like it can’t remember even the most basic stuff, let alone the complexity of a big corporate environment. Perhaps some more time is needed, I just hope I go back and my brain works again!
Yeah it’s hard. By 4pm I’m so overwhelmed- it limits any social interaction in the evening. I’ve been so tempted many times to go off sick but my boss is desperate to keep me in and I’m just not sure sitting at home on my own all day every day would help either. Anyway, thank you both. Seems like we’re all in a similar position which is awful but nice to speak to people who understand.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in September 2025 and I know exactly how you feel. I did go on a very brief holiday before Christmas. I used to meet my cousins every day and it did take my mind away from my mothers loss during that time. It was while I was at the Airport and on the plane it got unbearable again. I just booked a three day trip to London. Now I am after realising that I made a mistake. I feel that the comfort of home is too safe to leave but I have to force myself to go. I live alone just like you and the loneliness is unbearable at time. I miss my parents so much. The two of them passed in the same year. Remember you are not alone and people on here know exactly how you feel. If it is not too long I would go to Portugal if there are people going that you know. It is very difficult to know what to do. Take care Noreen
Thank you Noreen. To be honest I think it’s just too much at the moment. 5 nights in Portugal with a lot of strangers- only one I know well. I’ve just got completely overwhelmed on a walk this morning with just her and wanted to come home. The sun would be lovely but like you say home is where I feel most safe at the moment … and the airport, travel, new people and being away from home all feels too much. I really appreciate everyone’s advice though. It’s not 4 months yet without my mum and I’m struggling massively without her.
I spoke to you some time ago. You were planning on a holiday in Portugal. You said you were staying home. I went to London for two days but like you I could not wait to get back home. How have you been coping. Over the last week my situation has got worse. Crying most of the time. Let me know how you are coping. Take care Noreen
Hi. I’m sorry you found London too much - I know how you feel. I didn’t got to Portugal and it was definitely the right decision. Seeing photos of people drinking and enjoying themselves- I wouldn’t have coped.
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I was feeling like I was coping slightly better and was feeling more like myself especially at work. But the last week or so has been tough. Bank holiday weekend was lonely and it’s my birthday coming up soon and I’m dreading it. It just feels like a couple of steadier weeks and then another wave hits. I guess that’s grief though.
My only advice is to very very gradually try and do the things that make you feel most like yourself. I’ve started slowly building up to going the gym and running again. It still feels hard but not impossible anymore.
I completely understand, I’m a teacher too and lost my Mum in July 24. I had 5 weeks to grieve and I returned on 1st September in class. It was incredibly tough, I found I wasn’t coping very well and at the beginning of November I was signed off until January.
I came back to a class of children who missed me and were concerned I wasn’t there and to be honest those children got me through each day at work - I’m part time so I did get to escape the chaos some days!
This year in September I went back a different person .. and I could manage the first tough weeks back a bit better .. my Mum was so proud that I was a teacher and told everyone! So I made a promise to her that I would keep making her proud ..
Everyone is different and some days even now 22 months on I still have days that the grief takes hold, I don’t want to be anywhere with anyone (and I love my children and my husband!) today being an example.. which is why I’m here!
I’m very much like you and feel like I’m letting people down if I’m not prepared or organised at school but I’ve learnt since losing Mum - so trying to find some positives! Is that it’s okay to be selfish and it’s okay to say no, the school will still stand if you’re not there, children will still learn and the day will go on without you ..
Just as we go on without our Mums …
Do what is best for you, always here if you want to talk ..
