Living hell

Thank you all for sharing.
The evening before he arrested we had the most wonderful evening together. Perfect in so many ways .
He said “look at me , I’m fine , I feel more like my old self every day! Stop worrying, I’ll tell you if I don’t feel well. All we can do is Just take one day at a time”
The following morning he kissed me and went out to play tennis, he never came home.
I had a weird sense that we had said goodbye to each other the night before.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this other than seeing it written down makes it real.
I try more and more to step away from situations which confirm that he’s gone. I still keep hoping.
I feel like I’m going crazy.

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Dear Roo1

I visit this forum often but even now when I write or if I am talking to someone about my husband’s death, I never feel it is real. I keep thinking this is an awful nightmare that I am going to wake from then the reality hits and back to square one.

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@Sheila26
I have read many of your posts and can feel your distress in the words that you write.I have sensed many similarities in the way you express your experience.
At least it’s me and not my husband that is suffering now. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.
Take care

Dear Roo1

We had everything to look forward to and for it all to be taken away and in such a tragic way is just unbearable.

Take care.

That’s exactly what I think - if someone has to suffer this then I am glad that it’s not him.

it’s so tragic that our dreams and future are robbed away in an instant. It’s just unfair. And we have every reason to recent it. We have every reason to be angry.
But almost 3 months have elapsed since my wife’s departure I came to realize that the more I yearn to get back to the past, the more painful I am. But I’ve yet to be determined to get going and live ‘meaningfully’ the rest of my life. I’m trying not to think too much. Getting through each day is hard enough. I don’t know if this nightmare will ever end…

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The past is painful. I find it hard to accept that the fantastic memories that we had are now ones that cause me pain. My daughter performed in a show yesterday. It would usually have been a joyous occasion. Instead, I couldn’t stop crying. It didn’t help that the storyline involved the love story of a mother and father getting together, then the father finding out he hadn’t got long to live and eventually he died. The main reason for my pain though was that he should have been there - he never missed one. Heartbreaking.

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I feel exactly the same. The most precious moments of our lives: how we met, got married, supported each others through life’s trials and tribulations, our travels, birth of our daughter, moments the 3 of us share, success which we eventually got, become excruciatingly painful now. Just can’t understand how the apple of my eye become something I dread thinking of the second she’s gone…
It is so hard even in joyful moments I am sad that she is not here to share. This is a never ending nightmare.

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I am lay here watching TV that I don’t really want to watch because I have no desire or energy to do anything else. I have no life now. I don’t know what I did to end up like this.

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you’ve done nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to suffer like this. None of us do. Life is just absurd.
what I am doing every day is not what I want to do; it’s just that some kind of routine would help me plod through the days in a bearable way. It’s just existence. I hope some day I may feel life again. But I don’t think it’s possible in the near future.
Looks like Sunday is particular bad for us…take care.

Thank you. As it is a Bank Holiday here, tomorrow will be the same again. Sending hugs

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Dear,

Roo1,

I really feel for you,and so sorry for your loss. Your title of the post is so true,it is a living hell,it has been for 4 years without my Beautiful Mum,and 2 years without my Dad. I also am sick of this life,i go on for the sake of my 14 year old son. A day like today,and stuck in cleaning all day. With no Mum to visit. I look forward to bed time. Thinking of you,Lucy,xxx

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My husband took his life on the 9/12/2014 at the age of 52 and I can tell you it does get easier as the years go by. It a huge roller coaster ride and all you want to do is get off, but you can’t. I still miss being in a relationship and having my soul mate with me, being in a crowded room and still feeling lonely is horrendous and constantly saying “yes I’m fine” drives you mad. You do what you have too, the people round about are trying their hardest and mean well but only you how you feel.

Take care

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this is so true. There is no way that you can get off. This grueling pain is 24/7 until perhaps some day you become accustomed to it,or shall I say become numb/indifferent to it? Is that my biggest hope the rest of my life that I would be like that?

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The only way i can describe it is that you become stronger, it’s like you put this wall up too protect yourself and kids from anymore hurt. You will laugh and enjoy life again but it’s early days, I never expected to be happy again but as they say “time is a great healer.”

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Reading your message is just what I have been feeling since I last my husband a year ago. He was everything to me, my daughter and her husband come into check on me every day but I have never felt so alone in all my life, like you I keep expecting him to walk through the door. I don’t feel lonely just alone if that makes sense. I had been in hospital with pneumonia, I don’t know how long I had been there because I wasn’t aware at the time what was happening. When I came out of hospital still very week, a couple of weeks later I noticed that my husband was having trouble breathing I phoned for an ambulance and because of COVID I wasn’t allowed to go with him. I was very concerned but he walked into the ambulance having a laugh with the paramedics.
2 days later I received a cal to say they were asking him off oxygen, I was able to have a video call when they did it but I will never forget the sound he made taking his last breath.
We were together for 56 years and there isn’t a minute of the day that I don’t miss him. I thought by now I would have some peace but no I still think that if I hadn’t been in hospital then he would not have caught the COVID virus and I would still have him beside me.
Sorry I didn’t mean to go on the way I have. But what I wanted to say is I understand all that you are feeling it’s so hard. I’m thinking of you.

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I am truly sorry for your loss Roo. Time is not always a healer no matter what people say. I think the longer someone has gone the longer we grieve, miss them and suffer. You are not alone. Words cannot soothe the pain but talking to people can ease the heartache, even just a little to enable you to remember happier times. My heart goes out to you.

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I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through with the awful way your husband passed. Grieve and the pain and heartache of losing someone we love is bad enough but to throw Covid into the picture makes it even more unbearable.

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Hi Lostsoul71,

Oh how my heart goes out to you - so wish I could give you a hug. On Thursday it will be two and a half years since my husband died but I don’t feel much different now than from the beginning. Guess I should be glad that he didn’t die of Covid, can’t even equate as to how everyone out there has coped with this. I was with Eddie for 47 years and I tell my children that it is so difficult without him. But, overall, they don’t want to hear this as they are also still grieving. Apart from that, they still have their own families and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Ah I am so sorry that you feel if you hadn’t had pneumonia that he would be here - I guess that might possibly be true, but please don’t torture yourself too much (though I know you probably will) - it really wasn’t your fault - you didn’t choose to have pneumonia. Eddie always had a laugh with the paramedics (which was often in the last year of his life). I feel because they loved us that they wouldn’t want us to feel sad and bereft, but I know how difficult this is, virtual hugs to you xxx

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Thank you for your message I’m at the point of not wanting to listen to the arguments regarding COVID it just hurts too much. Thank you this is the first time I have put a comment on here.

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