Living hell

I’m so please you commented about how difficult it is regarding your children as I feel the same you see I am disabled and now I have to rely on my daughter but I find it really difficult to talk to my daughter regarding my husband because her daddy was her hero, it seems it’s really hard for her to talk him. At least I’m not alone feeling the way I do. I just feel so isolated and I wish we could have gone together but then I feel guilty feeling that way

2 Likes

It wasn’t your fault that Covid came. We none of us were given visiting rights, that is intil it was too late to comunicate. By this time David couldnt understand what was going on.
Please don’t blame yourself. We all did our best in this hideous pandemic.
My all their souls rest in peace.
Tricia

3 Likes

My thoughts are with you too at this sad time. It seems that every day there is something more about the COVID-19. I’ve got to the point that I cannot listen to it anymore. It frightens me that they seem to relaxing things so quickly that I dread another lockdown, it’s just too much it feels that when Stephen died something inside me did too. I was always the strong one but I just feel dead inside. I speak to him every night before I go to bed which is followed by a cry. I know I’m not on my own on here but it feels as I am.
I’ve had this site for quite awhile and only just replied to one person so don’t really know what I am doing but In the few replies I have put on, seems as if it’s helping a little just to know there are people out there going through the same as me. Thank you

1 Like

Hello @Maigret
I read an earlier post that you have access to your husbands medical records. Im wondering whether to do the same.
My Marti had covid, he was on a ventilator for 7 days, During this time the nurse would update me on his condition everyday but never gave me any hope. The next day his organs packed up and they said if his kidneys fail we will not do dialysis, i just said ‘ok’ i didnt even ask ‘why’ I too was the nodding dog. Only now I realise i was in complete shock just like you was. I didn’t want to hear what they was telling me, I didn’t want him to die, it felt unreal, it was a nightmare,it had only been a week he was on the ventilator, surely he could stay on it a bit longer I thought. When the nurse called and gave me an update there was never any change or improvement in his condition, they would then ask me ‘do you have any questions’ then again I would say ‘no’. I didn’t know what to ask, I was devastated, shocked, speechless, I wanted them to say he will fight this off and come home soon.
Then the next day with no warning the nurse phoned and said ‘we are turning his life support off within the next few hours, can you get here’ I said I have covid and I was quite poorly with it, so I didn’t go to the hospital to say goodbye. I couldn’t of said goodbye, I would of fainted, screamed, got hysterical. But now it eats away at me that i didn’t get to say goodbye.
My son didn’t have covid so he went to the hospital and said goodbye to his Dad.
Take care
Amy x

2 Likes

You cannot blame yourself for feeling that you couldn’t go

I’m so sorry about my reply being sent before I ha finished typing my iPad seems to be doing very strange things recently, or it could just be me doing them!
You cannot feel guilty for not being able to go and see him for what every reason he would have understood.
I didn’t get the option to go and see him, when the paramedics took him in I wasn’t allowed to go in with him to ambulance. That day I had numerous phone calls all that day and into the following day and like you I was told that they didn’t believe that they could keep him on a ventilator for a long period and him wouldn’t be able to support himself. At this point like you they talking to me but not making any sense, it felt as if I was outside my body answering questions that I didn’t understand. Only the day before he was laughing and joking with the paramedics and walking by himself into the ambulance, I just wanted to shout at them that they are talking about the wrong person.
The next day I got a phone call from the hospital to let me know that they were going to turn his ventilator off in an hour do I want to be there I replied yes and while I was working out how I was going to get there they said they would phone me so I could be on the phone at the time.
It’s so hard it only took 2 days after being admitted to the hospital.
All things have gone through my head since then and I know that he wouldn’t want me to be struggling the way I am I don’t seem to get past the pain and tears.
I hope for all of us that are going through the same thing get some peace, we don’t deserve to suffer the way we are.
My thoughts are with.

1 Like

Dear Amy @Amylost
We are indeed in a living hell, not only losing our beloved but trapped in the hell of thinking we have done something wrong.
They told me, in my covid fog, that his kidneys were failing & he couldnt be on a ventilator & dialysis. They assured me he wasn’t in any pain. So why not continue with ventilator for 24 or 48 hours. I gave up on. Him too soon.
Family are not happy I have asked for record as it won’t change anything but it will change something in my brain, in my heart. I trusted them at the time, I need to know I did the right thing.
We often shared an opinion that once you were 60 you became a right off, he was 61 with the outlook of a 20 year old. Missing him every min of every day.
I got to hold his hand as he passed, I’m so grateful for that. I’m so sorry you couldn’t be there, I cannot imagine the cruelty of that and what is does to your heart .
Maigret

2 Likes

It made me so sad to read your post. So sorry you lost your soul mate. I understand you wanting to numb yourself with drink. I hope it’s only temporary. Somehow, we have to come to terms with the loss of our loved ones. What would they want for us? It’s 6 months for me, no children and no family in this country. Believe me, there are times when I so do not want to be here either. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel but that tunnel is very long and very dark indeed. We have to believe that one day we will be reunited with them. I’m waiting for that day! Am thinking of you and hope you find comfort.

I have no words that will help you but I do understand exactly how you are feeling … I have been where you are now and nobody who hasn’t experienced a loss like you can under the sheer emptiness of life without your husband and best friend :broken_heart: … I lost my wonderful husband to cancer 6th November 2019 :broken_heart: … We were together nearly forty years and he was due to retire after working so hard all his life … We had great plans of all the things were were going to do together … Now just getting through the days without him was all I had to look forward too … I was just existing because I felt so worthless and lost on our own … I was so full of anger and felt really cheated of the life we should have been living … I was so bitter that other couples were enjoying their lives together and I was just in this relentless Groundhog Day of such utter helplessness … I can tell you things aren’t great now but I have accepted he’s not coming back and I have to continue my life as best as I can without him … I can’t change what’s happened I only wish I could but if I give up (as I have so often felt like doing) I know he would be disappointed in me for not trying to live the best life I can … I don’t like living on my own so needed to find a reason to get up in the mornings and Now I have got myself a puppy … I know it’s not the answer for everyone but I’m hoping I will now have a future that is a little less lonely and maybe I will find some fun again in our time together … I’m sorry I don’t have a magic wand to make things better for you but I just wanted you to know you are most definitely Not on your own with how you are feeling … I just hope that one day you will get to feel a little better as I think maybe I do today :heart:

3 Likes

Hi Carole-Alan31,

I never knew what it was like (although I have lost my parents and my sister in fairly recent years) to lose the person so close to you. It is definitely a physical pain - at least for a long while. You think you have a new phase of life to look forward to, then it is just snatched from you relentlessly. I still end up in tears every day (two and a half years on) and can’t really see a way forward. I have thought about getting a pet (preferably a dog) as we had for many years) but the thought of going through the loss again is stopping me. Apart from that, i know it is easy enough to buy or rehome a dog, but the cost is also stopping me xx

1 Like

I agree dogs are expensive to buy and to look after but having her to look after has taken up all my time and given me something to focus on … It’s also nice to think she loves me and is always happy to see me … I did think about it a long time before I got her and the pros out weighed the cons … I realise I am very lucky that my husband left me well provided so I haven’t the extra worry of cost but a rescue dog would welcome a good home and they help with the cost of any treatment :wink::heart:

Maybe this will make sense to some of you but I feel like I’ve been thrown out of a aeroplane with a parachute on, with no instructions or training or advice. I’m plummeting towards the ground and half of me is struggling to find the cord to open the canopy and the other half is waiting to hit the ground with such impact that it’ll all be over.
Nobody would expect me to know how to do a parachute jump but it’s ok that they think I should be getting on with my life without my husband.
It’s almost a year without him. Crazy but it mostly feels like yesterday. I have no idea where I am going or how I’m going to survive this life but I exist each day in the knowledge that he is gone but with a tiny glimmer of hope that it’s a nightmare I may wake from.
I prefer to be on my own , with my own thoughts. I’m finding more and more that even when my kids or grandchildren start to talk about him I just break down and cry. Maybe because they are all starting to visit more and dad/grandad isn’t at home that the reality is starting to hit us all. I think perhaps lockdown has prevented many of us from being able to grieve with our families and that the “return to normal” is the beginning of some difficult days ahead.
Thanks for the opportunity to offload to others who understand. X

8 Likes

The parachute metaphor is spot on - and we would not have even chosen to be up in a plane with a parachute anyway! None of us could ever have known how our happy lives were going to change so much, which is probably a very good thing. Sending hugs

2 Likes

I agree with everything you say , my husband has died sleeping 10 weeks ago , but acceptance will not come . Crying is a daily thing . My life is an existence not living . We had been together since I was 15 and he was 17 It’s been 59 years . Heartbroken

3 Likes

Hi Carole-Alan31,

Yes, it is food for thought. My daughter thinks I should get one, but I am still unsure. Sadly, although my husband thought he was leaving me without money worries, that hasn’t turned out to be the case. So I now have to think about everything, but like you say, a rescue dog could be the answer xx

1 Like

Roo1

What you describe sounds like I’m writing it, my husband passed away on 23rd July 2020, every day just seems to get harder and harder, I don’t sleep as all I can see is him struggling to breathe, I just want him back. I’m broken :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:

3 Likes

@Dawn41
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s amazing how many messages I read on this site that echo my own thoughts and feelings exactly. So many suffering this terrible pain .
Take care

3 Likes

Friends & family think me getting a dog will solve my problem, little do they know how big that problem is. I won’t love again.
Trouble is, since I lost my husband, my big honey, my darling, I am totally incapable of feeling anything other than grief for him.
I love no one, I am indifferent to everyone, don’t wish them harm but feel nothing in my heart where before it was bursting with love. Nothing means anything to me now & I despise this person I have become, this empty wretched shell.

6 Likes

one must be in love to be able to love others. Cannot blame yourself while you are suffering this horrendous loss.

1 Like

Thank you. I know but there is always a voice telling me that it should have been me. I’m disabled, cannot get about without help. I feel a burden but my daughter and son-in-law don’t complain but I know how hard it is to have to do what they have to do. When my children were young my father-in-law died and we had to look after my husbands mother fora number of years, plus not long after my father died and my mother was disabled and took it really bad when dad died. I just don’t want that added pressure on my daughter, it’s tough enough working full time and having 3 boy’s as well.
Between my husband and myself I was always considered as the strong but I feel I’ve lost that somewhere along the way but I will get through this I know I love my family too much to give up, my mum did that and it was awful to see. Just struggling to find my big pants to pull up.
I WILL GET THERE!!!

4 Likes