People like to talk about how the time between a person dying and their funeral is like, an empty space, a living in limbo.
Well, I’m 10 months 6 days in.
A couple of nights ago in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep again, I thought about this.
This living in limbo has continued way past the funeral.
And all that claptrap about ‘closure’ , and allowing them ‘to be at peace’.
And a chance to ‘move on’.
What a lot off bulls**t!!
I honestly feel that I’m existing in limbo. It’s like I’m living in a parallel universe to everyone else.
Their lives move on. I can see and watch that happen, so I know things in the world have moved forward.
But me. No. My life stopped the day my darling Phil died. The world for me stopped that day, that moment.
So all I can think, and see and feel is that I will live in this limbo worldly universe for evermore.
Dear Cathphil, You are so right. It is over four months now that my beloved husband died suddenly and it is an everlasting nightmare. I feel like existing in my own bubble and all other people carrying on living their own life. I feel I am detached from myself existing in an alien world. There will be never a closure but I think a kind of acceptance of what happened to us. Sending lots of love and hugs.
I too feel like I’m living in limbo. I am doing lots now as I find being busy is a great help. But sometimes it doesn’t feel real. It’s just a big act. Is this how it’s going to be forever? Sending hugs to everyone.
Yes, exactly how I feel
It’s all one big act/lie.
I paint a smile on my face, I go to work in the week, I go out at teatimes to the pub with our two dogs.
Everyone sees my ‘fake’ smile, sees me going to work, sees me out and about. Assumes I’m okay and doing well.
I never realised what a bloody actress I was!!!
But none of them see me at home.
None of them see inside my head or inside my heart.
I’m not such a good actress there!
They don’t know how I really am.
It’s total shit isn’t it.
Just about to paint that smile on now, and take our dogs for a walk
I’m “glad” to find someone else who feels the way I do. Its 9 months and two weeks since my husband passed away and every day hurts just as much as the day before. And as far as I can imagine this will be life going forward. It’s like that film “Groundhog Day”. I do things, go for meals with family, I’ve even been on a few short breaks, had my birthday, Christmas and his birthday and I feel as if I’m constantly playing a role in a “film” . People keep saying “You are doing so well, the first “birthday/holiday/anniversary” is the worse but you’ve done it now”. And I want to scream “If I live another 10/20/30 years every birthday/holiday/ anniversary will be heartbreaking!!!”
So sorry to hear this. I’m feeling exactly the same. Im living a nightmare. If i hear another person say it will get better in time, i will scream. I have to remind myself in the morning when i wake up it really did happen and then somehow console myself in order to get through the day. I feel so lost and yes in complete limbo while everyone else gets on with their lives. I don’t have any idea what to do with my life anymore as all our future plans were wiped out in an instant. I have no interest in anything, no motivation, nothing brings a smile to my face anymore, don’t feel i have anything to look forward to. I just don’t know how to accept it, i miss him so much.
As @Jan71 said I’m ‘glad’ that I’m not alone , and it’s really good to get all your replies and know I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings.
It is comforting when we post on here, and see others resonating with what we have written. In this thread our 'limbo existence '.
I feel all your pains, I have them too.
@Annaessex I too have a bubble I created for myself, just me and my husband and our two dogs in it. A sad but SAFE bubble. It’s too scary to allow anyone else in.
@Butterflies12 I too have no motivation, nothing to look forward too, no reason to smile. All my smiles are fake. I’ve literally forgotten how to smile. And that makes me so sad.
@Jan71 and yes I get you about the firsts of special days. I’m in the first year, and that is everyone’s attitude “well done! you’ve done that now!”
I’m fast approaching the first anniversary of my Phil’s death (Aug24). Dreading it. But dreading the following year even more. No one will care. They will all forget. I think that’s why lots of grief sites acknowledge that the second year is a lot harder than the first.
And as we know from our friend @Lonely from other posts…she is 9 years in nothing gets easier with time
Big hugs to you all. We will all get through another day because our darling soulmates will be with us ’ ‘holding us’, ‘guiding us’ and ‘loving us’
I feel exactly the same … in limbo, it’s just how it is and I do not think it will change however much we try and time goes on.
I am having counselling which, so far, hasn’t helped me a great deal although talking helps. I have been given some ‘homework’. Two columns; positive and negative feelings. The problem is, it’s bringing back all the awful times from when my dear husband was diagnosed with evil cancer to when I was his carer and then passing away. I’m not too sure I can do it as I have tried and I just sob.
Next Friday we are having his ashes interred in the churchyard in the small village where he was born, his wish and my promise, although it isn’t very near to where we have lived. The delay has been due to close family coming from the US and wanting to bring children when they were out of school.
I am absolutely dreading it and hope I can get through it without being too emotional.
Another Sunday to get through!
Love and hugs to you all xxx
Dear @Rome18
Big hugs to you for next Friday.
I’m sure that will be very difficult for you, especially having to take him away from your home. But you are keeping his wishes, and honouring him in doing that.
I hope you can get some enjoyment and comfort from seeing family again that have travelled far to want to be there.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, it will be lovely to see all of the family together again but it will be the first time without Richard when we are all together, which is going to be a nightmare. So many of the family live abroad. We have a private room booked for dinner for celebrating his life.
I cannot wait for the next week to be over and I can return to my ‘bubble’.
After nearly six months since I lost my wonderful man and seeing his pain and suffering for a long time before, I am left wondering why we have to go through such pain.
Hi @Cathphil
You are a little further on from me, but I can so relate to how you are feeling as I am exactly having these same thoughts, I died when my darling husband died and life will never be the same again.i don’t think I will ever be the old me that I was when he was here, do I want to live in this existence for the rest of my life? Well no I do not because that is what it is Existing not living! Hugs to you xx
Thank you for your positive and encouraging words, they truly give me some hope.
I had nearly forty wonderful and happy years with Richard and hate my life without him. I used to be very confident and positive but now it takes me all my time to consider what to wear … absolutely ridiculous.
I have to get my act together this week as the family will all be together to celebrate his life and interment of his ashes next Fridays and I need to finalise arrangements.
Thank you @Lonely
As always your wise words give us reason to hope, and a belief that we can somehow survive. While acknowledging our grief will last forever.
Thank you
Hi I am new here and just read your post, I’m 8weeks in today.
From the passing to the funeral I was kept really busy, now the funeral is over and everyone else has moved on I am alone.
Yes I paint that smile and try to continue as normal but like everyone else has said no one knows what you are like at home on your own with your own thoughts and memories. I think my true grief kicked in after the funeral, it’s not closure it’s a living nightmare.
@Cathphil
Hi, your message is exact how I feel. I lost my darling husband 5 months ago, we were together for over 40 years. He was 61, always fit and healthy until he was diagnosed with cancer, far too young to leave me.
I go out with friends see family regularly who all ask how are you, my reply is I’m ok. Why say anymore they wouldn’t understand, you’re correct we put on a face when with others.
I know the wonderful life I had is over. I am trying to do things that I want to do like volunteering and going lovely walks but I’m too emotional I walk along talking to him and crying everyday. I thank him for the wonderful life we had and how we worked so hard to have contentment. It’s so unfair he can’t be here to continue to share that. it does get harder every day living without my love.
I know I have to keep going and eventually make my own life he will always be my true love and be in my heart forever, he would want that for me.
That lovely feeling of contentment and love just being together is what I miss most.
Love to all, it is comforting that I’m not alone.
Deedee62
So very sorry for your loss big hugs,
Life is so difficult without our loved ones,
I’m 8 months in since losing my husband Dave ,and feels like a rollercoaster ride ,
My husband had a cardiac arrest whist driving, fortunately I was in the car to stop it safely,and he passed away 2 hours later in hospital,
This forum does help as we can all support each other as we all know what it’s like to lose someone we love
Take care xx
I am truly thankful I found this forum, sat here reading of the struggles we are all going through and crying at the same time. We had been together 47 years this month would have been our 45th wedding anniversary in august he was 63. We lived and worked together in our family business which is now down to myself and our son, he has good support from customers and suppliers where as I usually work from home. We knew my husband was ill but we didn’t expect him to die as we were never told even if the doctors explained to him he didn’t pass that on to us.
