Loneliness, and the future !

Hi, my wife of 30 years, died on the 3rd December aged 48, nine months after cancer diagnosis. I am 60 years old and we have two children a daughter aged 11 and a son aged 15.
I am finding the loneliness physically painful, so much worse than I ever imagined, not only is my own grief so bad, I have my children in bits without their mum! I miss her every minute and each day passes like I am in a bad dream on auto pilot, I have family and friends but life without my wife seems pretty bleak at the moment. I worry about work, money, my kids, and coping with the crippling loneliness.
I am very capable with all the domestic duties, no problems there, but I am sure people on this site will understand how much you can miss someone’s company and touch.

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Hi
I’m sorry for your loss
My wife died 6 months ago she was 51. I’m also struggling with loneliness and at times tremendous sadness that can knock you for six. I survive one day at a time. Keep posting on here it does help.
William

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Hi Ray.
I’m sorry for your loss and sorry to hear of anybody going through the days, months, years of grief. I don’t think anything in my life had prepared me for how I would feel despite losing my mother a few months earlier and my aunt since.
It seems like that the feelings of loneliness are exacerbated when we stop to think and we become introspective and insular. Obviously these are all directly related to our grief and it’s difficult to shake it off. I’ve found a kind of solution in that I’ve joined several different U3A groups most of which encourage discussion and some which meet other creative needs.
As William has said it does help to post on here. It’s a different kind of engagement but it can offer some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

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Hi sorry for your loss. I lost my partner suddenly in May he was only 48 I have 2 sons and I see my family sometimes but as you say the loneliness is horrible. I so miss all the things we did as a couple.
Christine x

Thanks Christine, you’ve made it through 7 months, that is quite something in my opinion! Friends and family tell me, I am lucky to have my children, and I have to be strong for them, but I don’t feel lucky. But the fact that you have got through your grief so far, is an encouragement to me. 99% of the time my children are completely normal as though nothing has happened, they cry occasionally.
But I seem to be much more affected by the loss of a 30 year relationship.

Hi Ray. I lost my lovely husband on 2 November 2018 after a two year battle with cancer. I miss him more than I can say. I was his carer, particularly for the last six months of his life, and it could be hard sometimes, but at least I had structure in my life and a purpose. Now, I am rattling about this house on my own and just lost. I have a 21 year old daughter who lives in Edinburgh and she travels back and forth when she can but she is also hurting and misses her Dad (her best friend) and life just seems so exhausting even although I am not doing much! Nothing can prepare you for what we are all going through, no matter what the circumstances were. I am seriously thinking of going back to work in some sort of capacity in March, so at least I will have something to focus on. This forum is a comforting place to be and we are all grieving together which helps. Thinking of you.

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It’s just over 4 months since I lost my 53 year old husband to cancer, a week after his diagnosis. My 20 and 23 year old daughters are still at home and give me a focus for survival. I’m forever lighting candles, turning on the side lamps and trying to cook wholesome meals for them to help ease them through this nightmare. I just want my old life back. I re- read my previous posts from time to time and that helps me see a path of improvement in my grief journey. (A journey, I know, will never end). I will return to work mid February. I recognise that I need to fill my mind with productive thoughts but am anxious about it as it’s like by taking this step forward my husband is taking a further step back. Can others relate to this? Any tips on managing returning to work? Thinking of you all on another grim Sunday without our loved ones. Cx

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Hi Ray . I am so sorry for the loss of your wife . It is very recent too so you have done really well to get through Xmas and into the new year in one piece and looking after your children too . I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly in the summer . He was 60 and I am 58 . In the beginning the grief was actually physically painful . It doesn’t hurt so much physically 5 months on but emotionally it is just as bad and I think the longing to just see my husband , be hugged by him , hold his hand and talk to him is getting worse because I know there is no chance of that ever . My youngest daughter was upset last night because she misses her dad . She is 21 and training to be a mental health nurse . We both ended up hugging each other and trying to console each other but nothing really helps when you just want the person who has gone . I don’t have an easy answer . I am busy most days with running the house, a business , I have grown up children and an elderly mum to look after and horses and dogs to see to but once I sit down at the end of a busy day it’s my husband I still want and miss . We were married 33 years and together for 42 since we were teenagers. Make the most of any support you have from friends and family . Post on here because people on this forum have been incredibly supportive when I have been struggling . It’s been like my secret weapon against grief to help me get through my days . I’m sure this post is not really much help to you other than to let you know on here that we all understand how lonely and painful it is after losing our other halves . Sending a hug and some understanding . Romy x

Hi Cristal, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. The shock must have been awful, such a short time from diagnosis. My son died 26 wks ago today in an accident and my world changed. In relation to your question about work, I understand completely what you mean. I fought a battle in my head for quite a while as I thought going back to work meant I had accepted and got over my son’s death when nothing could be further from the truth. Eventually I had to be realistic and go back for financial reasons. It has given me a focus and it forces me to think of something else for a few hours. But it’s tiring too. I tell myself it’s something that I had no choice in doing, there is no enjoyment in it and therefore doesn’t diminish what happened. I wish you strength, it’s an awful journey we have been forced to take…x

I think we can all take some vicarious benefit from reading posts whoever they were intended for. It can be a comfort, it can be an inspiration or it can just simply be informative. Bit by bit I’ve become an avid reader of this forum and I value it greatly.

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So do I Yorkshire Lad . So do I …xxx

Hi,just joined the group.I lost my darling husband Roy in May.We had 30 fabulous years together.I miss him so so much,the pain is unbearable.I am 49 and it feels like my life is over,to be honest most of the time i wish it was.It is actually my animals that are keeping me going.It is good to hear from you all,people who really understand.Corinna xx

It’s still very raw for you, take one day at a time . My boys are older and are keeping themselves busy but I don’t know what they are thinking. It would of been 27 years on new years eve that we met I try and get through each day and try and not think about the future.

Hi sorry for your loss. I am 50 and I feel cheated I try not to think of the future. Please keep posting on this site because it has really helped me.

I agree Aries, there is such comfort in knowing you are not alone and people’s posts are so helpful, in lots of different ways. Thank you Orchard for your advice on returning to work. I will return on a phased return. I work in education so I am used to thinking in terms and seasons. Returning in Feb will mean six weeks until Easter break. In March we teach the children about birth, growth, hope and love. This will help me. I’m usually such an enthusiastic person but look forward to nothing. To all of you more recently bereaved take comfort in the fact that you will survive. The depth of your grief mirrors the depth of your love and your partner’s love. No one can take that away from you. Cx

Hi Cristal, I am returning to work tomorrow. I worked from home for 3 days last week. My lovely husband died on the 29 November 2018. I am dreading going into the office tomorrow even though I am only going in for the morning. I am hoping to be able to work from home more because I cannot stand the thought of coming home to a dark, lonely house and I also have a little dog to look after. I have quite a demanding job in the financial services industry and I am really worried about my concentration levels. I am wondering if I am going back a bit too early but I guess I will just have to give it a go and see how it goes. My work have been absolutely brilliant up to now, allowing me to work from home to look after George and go to all his hospital appointments at short notice without the requirement to take holidays or make up time. They have also not asked for any medical certificates to cover my absence since George died. I hope their patience continues as I think they may need it. I hope you phased return goes well xx

Hi Debra, I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow going back to work. Concentration is a big issue for me as well as dealing with stress and my tolerance levels for nonsense! I’m a Headteacher and love my job but it is full on at the best of times. My staff have been so supportive and I’ve been in a few times so I’m gearing up for my return. It’s just the woman who left in June is not the women who will return. That is what will be hardest to get my head round of all. Work will be a distraction and it will be good to be back in “the body of the Kirk” as they say. Away to watch Les Mis on catch up before episode 2 tonight. It was my husband’s favourite musical. Good luck tomorrow. Cx

Thankyou,I am getting counselling,but i think it will be good to talk to people who are in the same situation too.People who understand what a struggle it is to even get through a basic day.I hate the mornings with another long bleak day looming ahead and it’s such a relief to be honest with you guys,instead of having to try my best to hide the pain,Corinna xx

Hi RayP, I am so sorry that you recently lost your wife. I lost my lovely husband on the 29th November after a short battle with cancer, and I know how painful it is, and agree it is so much worse than you could ever imagine. My lovely husband was a widower before he married me. His wife was aged 43 and died suddenly one morning from Sudden Adult Death Syndrome. Their daughter was 10 and their son aged 15, so very similar to your own situation. Victoria is now 26 and I have brought her up as my own and could not love her any less than if I had given birth to her. Having recently lost her Dad as well, it has naturally led to discussions on how she coped when her Mum died. Victoria said that she wrote down lots of things on how she was feeling, but her main way of coping was that she just pretended her mum had gone on holiday and would eventually come back. Stephen who was 15 became really angry and left home not long after his Dad and I married. He is now 31 and still has lots of anger issues and has never got over losing is mum. His Dad helped Stephen in anyway possible, but I am now really worried how he will cope without his Dad. One thing I wish George had arranged for Stephen and Victoria was counselling to help them talk through their worries and sadness early on in the process. You probably have already thought of this, but just in case you haven’t, it is something I would recommend. Children have a good way of hiding their emotions because they don’t want to upset you. It may just help them, which in turn will also help you. I do not mean to worry you in anyway but having been part of a similar situation first hand, I thought it might help. I also remember George reading a book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman which he found really useful. I am sure your lovely wife will guide you in bringing up your children and give you the strength to carry on. Sadly loneliness is something we just have to adjust to but that does not make it any easier or any less cruel. My step daughter left home just before her Dad became ill and has gone home today having stayed with me since her Dad died. My own natural son is still at home but is a young man and has a good social life. Suddenly since September I have gone from having a family of 4 at home to just the 2 of us, and I will now be mainly on my own. I will keep talking on this forum though as I do find it helps me combat some of the loneliness and people understand what we are going through. Take care and look after yourself as well as those lovely children of yours xx

Hi Cristal, good luck that is a brilliant job and I appreciate how hard to you work. My step-daughter is a head of year in a secondary school in Luton and it is very demanding on her. Her headteacher has obviously not lost anyone close. Victoria went in to work a week after her Dad died. She lost her mum when she was 10 and at the age of 26 she has lost both parents, although she has got me. When she went in one of the other teachers had arranged to cover Toria’s first 2 lessons so that she could catch up on her Head of Year work. The Headteacher told Toria that if she was not going to take all of her lessons she may as well go home, so she did and got signed off work for 2 weeks. It just seemed unnecessarily insensitive to me. Hope you enjoy Les Mis xx

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