Hello Helen. Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate your support and empathy given you are grieving a loss too. God bless and I send you all my love and best wishes. Stephen x
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Not on this thread @Stephen65
Hereās the link Death didnāt break the connection
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Thank you very much. I will have a look tomorrow. Just got in. A lovely service and celebration of mamās life. I was really upset throughout at intervals. We were with mamās coffin for several minutes before we left the crematorium. It was good to be able to stand at the sidebof mam and put our hands on her coffin lid. I kissed her nameplate a few times. Thank you for all your support on a very emotional day. God bless: Stephen
Just checking in to see how you are @Stephen65
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Wilson9
Thank you ever so much for thinking of me and taking time to ask. After the day of the funeral had gone by, I seem to have become more upset and grief stricken than before. Although I was really sad and emotional before. Mainly in the house , though I am occasionally holding back tears when I am out. How are you coping? It is so tough, as you know yourself and I look at mamās face in the photographs I have of her and that makes me cry as does the Order of Service which I keep having a look at.
Thank you once again. You are a truly caring and supportive person and for that, I feel really grateful. God bless. Stephen
Good to hear from you @Stephen65
I can understand why you feel so upset and grief stricken after the funeral. There comes a time when, after weeks, months or years of keeping your emotions in check, you feel like letting it all out. A trusted friend or family member who is prepared to just sit and listen to you, without judging. advising or trying to fix you is a godsend. I was lucky enough to sit with one of my wifeās friends, who lost her husband 5 years ago, and bare my soul while she just listened. Very emotional and lots of tears but very cathartic.
Itās going to be really difficult dealing with this on your own Stephen so, donāt be shy in asking for support from family, friends, GP, counselling services. Donāt spend too much time on your own with your thoughts.
Feel free to message when you feel the need.
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Thank you Wilson9. Saw my niece for two hours today and was able to talk about mam with her. It made me feel better just to talk about her life and our memories. I really appreciate you helping me and I will keep in touch as you have said I can. God bless and all my best wishes. Stephen
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Wilson9
Good morning. I hope you donāt mind me messaging. It is two weeks yesterday since mamās funeral and six weeks this Saturday since she passed away. I know earlier this week I had the dream or deep sleep vision of mam that I mentioned in another post.
However, I am just feeling so sad and upset all the time. Mam and me were together 24 hours a day and always here for each other. We were never alone because we had each other.
We didnāt see anyone much. Mam has two grandchildren. Both girls. Both of them came just a few times a year despite living only a mile or so away. It was only when mam was in hospital that one of them started visiting mam more and when she came home for palliative care. The other less so. My brother came about three times a week for an hour when mam was at home prior to going in hospital and a bit more often when she was in hospital.
Now I see them very rarely and when I see them they stay about one and a half hours. That leaves over 22 hours on my own each day when it was me and my beautiful mam together. They donāt even visit every day.
I cry and get really upset because mam was my life and world. Particularly since the funeral it seems to have got worse for me. I text my brother and niece and tell them how I am feeling or relate a memory or memories of mam that I have been thinking about that has really upset me. I just want their support. They do text back briefly but do not address or mention anything about mam that I have told them about. They just ignore it.
Their lives are as they were and that is what they are doing. I am here where me and mam had 60 wonderful years together all of the time. I try to explain when I see them how it affects me but apart from my niece acknowledging and listening on occasions , that is it. I say that everything in the house holds a memory of me and mam. Me caring for me. Me and mam having meals together. Me and mam watching telly together. Me and mam going out together. Supporting her around the house. Pushing her in her wheelchair when she couldnāt walk as well as she once could. Getting her medication. Sat chatting. Mam helping me with the washing up. The list is endless. They cannot even hear me out in person or text message.
I guessed this might happen. I donāt know how people cope without support. I know I post on here which helps and I have rang Marie Curie on two occasions, but I feel I am just on my own now. Still me and mam because I talk to her all the time and cry to her too, but no one else.
Apologies for long post, but I never have felt this way before. When my beloved dad passed away 9 years ago, at least me and mam had each other for support.
God bless and sending you all my best wishes. Stephen.
Good afternoon @Stephen65. Of course I donāt mind you messaging.
I keep a grief journal so, after reading your post, I looked back at my entries for the first few weeks after the funeral. I wish I could give you some words of comfort but, for me, they were dark times. I just felt like locking the front door and never setting foot outside again. I used the Cruse Bereavement Service which I found helpful and I was lucky enough to have family and friends who were there to support me. Try to get support from somewhere. This is not a journey you want to do on your own. Itās important to share your pain with someone and let them know how much it hurts. You will get some comfort from sharing.
Try watching this David Kessler video on loss of a parent. It might be of some help.
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Good afternoon Wilson9.
Thank you as always for your support and ideas for helping me out. I managed to speak to the Marie Curie bereavement support group by phone this afternoon. This was my 4th time of ringing since mam passed away. I have been lucky to speak to the same lady each time. She is very good and a great listener. I always feel better after talking to her.
The first time I rang she mentioned 6 x 45 minute sessions over six weeks that a volunteer who isnāt a counsellor ,but has experience of counselling runs. I get pre assessment call on 19th of May and probably start in early June. I think it will help and the bonus is i can still call Marie Curie line to speak to the volunteers and i still also get to express my feelings to all the wonderful people like you and others on this forum.
When I have had my tea in a while ,I will watch the video from the link you sent me. Thank you ever so much. God bless and sending all my kindest regards to you. Stephen.
Unfortunately the time after the funeral is very difficult, itās all part of processing the loss youāve had. I understand the emptiness and everything you look at looks the same except for the person is not there anymore. Some areas have groups for people who are bereaved, or maybe at your local hospice, they maybe able to help you find support. My hospice has a bereavement walking group who meet up and youāre with people who understand. You can self refer for some of these services. Itās very hard for others to fully understand how youāre feeling or they may feel lost as to how to help you which doesnāt help you. If you feel things are getting very difficult maybe have a chat with your gp for any support they can give you. take care of yourself
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Lucy55
Thank you for your response. It is does seem even more difficult after mamās and funeral. Not being able to speak to the very small part of the family that I have, about mam, makes it really tough.
Marie Curie and all the people on here like you have helped tremendously. Thanks for your ideas. I am going to look into them. God bless and all my best wishes. Stephen.
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Today, the 4th of May, I feel more alone and upset more than ever. It seems to be getting worse.
My brother called this morning for an hour. I havenāt seen anyone since Thursday morning. I am used to living with my mam these last 60 years until she passed away six weeks ago.
It would be okay if he came and talked about mam and although he sees I am visibly getting more upset, he wonāt even mention her. Mam was always in her chair when he called three times a week for an hour. He didnāt talk much to mam then. Mam, even with her Alzheimerās always tried to make a conversation with him, but he always gave one word or a short phrase response. Mam wasnāt great on her feet and he used to let her get out of her chair when she gave him a few sweets. If I was there at the time, I always rushed across to stop her getting up.
This morning when I tried to express my feelings to him he said what do you expect me to do, I am not a therapist. I told him I wanted him to talk and support each other and I wasnāt asking for a therapist.
He then went on to say that he is alone and nobody comes to visit him. He is married to his wife of 36 years. He has two daughters in their thirties, two grandchildren. He has a job. He goes out to the pub with his circle of friends and goes to concerts. He visits me now less than when mam was alive and he didnāt come much then.
I told him all of the above and said how are you alone? He replied: we are all suffering Stephen. I said how can you compare your situation to mine. On my own after 60 years with mam, the last three caring for her with Alzheimerās.
It is so frustrating and I am so upset. I just had to write it down to try and clear the weight from my shoulders
Best wishes. Stephen
Dear Stephen
Iām sorry your brother is not supporting you. We canāt change the way people behave. When we are grieving you would like to think friends and family will be there for us but for some reason they are not. It happens to a lot of us here.
All I can say is that we have to try and make some kind of new life for ourselves, we canāt rely on others. My closest two friends Iāve not seen since my husband funeral, my son isnāt really speaking. Luckily I have my daughter whoās been my rock.
Do you go to church? Maybe go and see whatās available group wise there. Have you found a bereavement group? Speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a social subscriber, they will know whatās available in your area. Maybe visit the library and see if they know of any groups or volunteering opportunities.
I wish you all the best, I hope today is a better day for you x
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Thanks Helen for your ideas. I will try. I was going to go to our local parish church for their service on Sunday morning, but i decided not to go. I will try again this coming weekend.
Me and mam used to go to churches. Not one in particular but if we were somewhere we would go in for half an hour and light a couple of candles.
I donāt really know what a social subscriber is. I did contact the GP about 4 weeks ago. They gave me number for Talking Therapies. I rang them and they said they didnāt do bereavement. They gave me Marie Curie number. I have spoken to them about 4 times now and they have been helpful. They offer 6 sessions over 6 weeks when the same person counsels you. You can take this at any time but once you have had it you cannot have them again.
I am starting early June if all goes to their plan. I know you cannot rely on family. Apart from mam, they donāt show me any love. Mamās love was constant and unconditional. I find it so hard. Today I have a new hospital appointment. If mam was here she would be saying donāt worry Stephen. It will be okay. Sheād be there to love and reassure me and there when I got back to ask me about it.
Iām not feeling sorry for myself. I have definitely been more upset and missing mam so much. These last few days have been quite bad.
Thank you again. For your support and ideas. All my best wishes: Stephen
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Dear Stephen
Good luck with your appointment today. What I do when I plan on going somewhere new is, I get ready to go, if Iām up to it I set off, if I change my mind on the way I go home. If I donāt like it when Iām there I leave. Itās up to us.
You are your momās son, sheās part of you, you carry her with you. Sheāll be with you today and always x
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Thank you Helen. I truly appreciate your wise words. I took in my pocket, a keyring with mamās picture on so she was there with me.
My appointment went very well thank you. Come back to an empty house but mam is always with me. I truly believe this.
I send you all my kindest regards. Thank you for caring. Stephen.
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I know some people think itās odd but I have a tiny bit of mom, dad and my husbandās hair in a locket round my neck. I hold it when Iām stressed or sad (and every night) For me itās a tiny bit of them I have left x
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Thatās a nice thing to do @Helen39. Iām sure they will all notice and appreciate the gesture of love.
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Thatās lovely Helen. I was so upset and in such shock when Ray passed that I forgot to take a snip of his beautiful hair. Iām so sad about it now
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