Loneliness makes grief turn to anger

If i thought i had any friends that illusion was shattered when my partner died 7 months ago.
Being unable to share with anyone has ripped me to pieces. I did not know that friends and family would simply expect me to get on with it…i and my eldest son watched him die its emblazoned in our minds and hearts and now im so angry and grieving hard both…im a rock for my sons as much as i can be so they can turn to me for continued comfort but im on fire against the world around me all i wanted was for someone to care someone to talk to hear my words help me unburden my heart but i cry alone day after day…night after night…the grief of my loss is killing me slowly…god is my strength and i do pray and i pray for myself and all who suffer in this world and i know this is a world of suffering but inside also is the contrast of anger against those who i thought would be there but werent…the overspill of emotion has changed me im an angry irritable swearer…who would touch me now nobody i imagine…i walk alone …it was always me and him caring for our family but now hes gone im pretending to be strong so i dont frighten my boys…they are older and have their lives ahead of them and slowly they are rebuilding bit by bit…but i am a lonely widow at 49 and i feel life has lost everything that attracted me to it…im in the depths of despair so deep i never knew pain such as this…losing my father 6 years ago was hard but compared to losing the man who guided my life this is something i cant overcome though i try i really try

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@Pony
I am so sorry you don’t have the support you need. It makes me feel so blessed living where I do and having good family and friends.
I too realised the enormity of this loss compared to losing my beloved Dad only when it happened.

As you will be aware I’m sure, anger is a perfectly normal emotion when grieving but it doesn’t make it easier to cope with.
I too believe that my faith is what is helping me with my grief journey. I know that Richard and I will be together again one day, which helps. I also know my daughters need me before that day, so between the determination to make my husband proud of me and the need to help my younger daughter with her independence, I have a purpose to my life.

Message here any time and I feel sure you will get support from many people. PM me if you would like to as well.
Sending love xxx

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Hello @Pony - I am so sorry that your partner has died - 7 months is such a short time but it may feel like a lifetime to you as you have been through so much. Anger is a big part of grief, a big part and it comes out in us all, in one way or another. You will get through this, I promise you, you will. As of right now, you have friends on here who get how you feel and who you can share as much of how you feel as you feel able. We get it. All of it. Hold on, hold on and maybe see if you can fix up some counselling. I am not usually into all that but it has helped me so much. It is a safe place to share and to learn ways to cope. For now, know that your family here has got you and that it will be ok x

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Hi @Pony I am so sorry that you have not received support from friends and family when you needed it most. I feel your pain. We all need someone to unburden ourselves to at times and it hurts when the people you expected to be there for you are not. I do hope you find some comfort posting on here.x

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@Pony I really feel your pain, the only person I’ve got to go to that understands is my mother but she’s mentally ill & sufferers her own burdens (although she’s the only thing keeping me going). Like you I am in my 40’s (46) & the thought of a lifetime ahead of me without my beloved partner literally cripples me.

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Thank you…im full of memories and regrets…so much i never said to the man i loved if ony i could turn back tiime…i find myself oversharing with strangers which is weird but everyone who was someone in my world vanished and left me to it…somehow im expected to be normal but after what me and my sons have endured leading up to their dads death was hard…watching him die with my eldest son present was wildly frightening so unexpected was it…I’m haunted and defeated and nobody who i know can relate so they dont…they leave me bcause i suppose its easier for them idk…i dont blame them in the end but sometimes i wonder what ive done wong…

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My friends are trying to get me to rejoin what was our busy social life. They are trying to help but do not understand I have no interest at all in their lives which carry on when mine has stopped. I do not want to drive them away so I tell them to keep inviting me. One day I will be able to rejoin but that will not be soon and it will be different. Today it is 12 weeks since my wife for 50 years died. I have cried since I woke up. You have had the most horrendous experience and no one else can imagine how it feels. All of your emotions are valid so don’t feel guilty about any and let them out. There are people who do understand.

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Frankly theres only the people who’ve lost in the same way who understand nobody else has a clue…losing a life partner is like losing part of oneself…the role they play…the knowing and sharing and caing companionship the support and friendship all gone …long lonely empty days and nights of sleepless contemplation and the realisation that whats broken cant be fixed…patched up at best…

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You could not be more right.

@Mike75 yes it’s so hard. People mean well inviting you to join them but they have no idea how lonely it is without your partner. In fact we had no idea until it happened to us. I too was with my husband for fifty years and to be without him now is indescribable. I cry every day and it is coming up to twelve months since my husband died.X

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@Loobyloo2 If only there was a timetable for all of this. My friends say it’s half your life but it’s not. 50 years is almost the whole of your adult life to date. I’m sure in a year’s time we will be saying the same thing as we are today. Love and thoughts to you.

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@Mike75 I know someone who’s husband died several years ago now who has made a life for herself, although I never thought she would. It’s not the life she wanted but she said she can go out and enjoy herself now. To be honest, I can’t ever see me feeling any different till my time comes. My husband was my world and me to him.X

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The allying force that was my man who loved me took my heart wherever he went…theres little left of me to carry on…my sons are my inspiration to live and i hide fro them the despair i feel whilst i encourage them to grow strong and build their lives…that will eventually take them away from me as isbte way of things but will i still be here all alone thinking about who ive lost and the hefty blow to my heart someome irreplaceable a love tha comes just once in a lifetime if we are lucky…i had that now all i have are ashes and memories that burn and wither me

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Here is the first time ive been able to unburden a little and i have needed to so badly…it brings me so much pain as I type but then later on as the sun comes up i feel stronger to know um not alone in my grief…that so many people understand through their own tragedies helps me gain perspective…i still dont knownhow im going to face the future without my beloved but seems i am because im still here crying and typing and praying for not just me but for us all

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@Pony Yesterday I survived a truly horrendous meltdown by unburdening myself here. Last night my son was delayed coming home hours by an accident. Luckily he was not involved. My daughter-in-law at 39 weeks pregnant thought she was going into labour but it was a false alarm. We all held each other and wept. I realised there was no decision I could take, no action I could do to bring back my dearest love only that I will have to carry the enormous burden of grief as part of me from now on. But I also saw there are things I will be forced to do and decisions I will have to take because life does not stop. My daughter-in-law packed a picture of my wife in her hospital bag to take into the maternity unit when the time comes. I cried again. But when the dreaded lights out moment came at 11 o’clock I fell into my first truly relaxed sleep for 7 months since my wife was first admitted to hospital. I am truly thankful for the support here which is helping me get through the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Stay here where everyone can help share your burden. It may not get lighter but it may become easier to carry.

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Just feeding the backbirds…at this time of year the ladies come first quite bravely whilst the men are out doing what they do but never too far away to sound the alarm if trouble comes…later when the babies are born the males dominate the scene they feed first and the ladies are so much more shy hiding away coming for quick moments only…the males rear the babies actively and teach them how to feed…ive got some amazing footage of how hard they work with them weaning them from gullet feeding to independently scavenging for themselves…happens so fast too…what teamwork…that’s what ive lost … the one who had my back for 22 years, watching the birds makes me so sad now reflected in them i see my loneliness my vulnerability my need to do his work and mine…like you have to also

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@Pony Your observations capture the feeling of loss, separation and loneliness forced on us and that this makes us see the world quite differently than before. I guess it is part of coming to terms and living with intense grief. Love to you and hope for a ray of sunlight in your day. XX

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@Mike75
I am so pleased that you and your son and daughter in law are pulling together as we all need each other. It must be a little comfort to know they are with you instead of blindly getting on with their own lives.

I hope you can continue to gain support from this community. It really does help to have each other to lean on.
Hugs xxx

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@KarenF Thank you for your kind words. I am sure I will need support here as grief never leaves and ambushes us when we least expect it. Sharing our journeys helps all of us.

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I am also feeding our blackbirds. They love the conference pear that my husband used to put out for them, now its my job to do that and to keep all our little birds fed.
A bitter-sweet labour if love .
Love to you all xx

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