Carly
Broken 2222
It’s heart breaking isn’t it the house we shared feeling so different now. I noticed a number of people have posted that they have redecorated . Lots of people move away but later try to return.
In the beginning everything I touched triggered off my crying because at some point he would have touched the same objects I am now touching knowing though he will never do it again.
The garden is goi g to be difficult . How can I spend time there when he no longer can . The thought of sitting out in the summer causes me distress. I’m thinking perhaps if I create a corner with some kind of outdoor art dedicated to him that may help . I’ve not made my mind up yet.
Sorry, hit the reply button too soon there, @wilderness@Broken2222 . Haven’t posted for a while because I was having a really bad few weeks and didn’t even have the energy. Everything you say resonates with me. At first I thought about moving but I’ve decided to stay here and I’ve been trying to get things done around the house that we had talked about. The week before he died he said we should get the front windows replaced asap and that’s happening this week. I feel so lonely and vulnerable having to do things like this without him. I’ve had the front and back garden landscaped to be low maintenance. My husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly in September while cutting the grass and I found him gone, and I spent the last few months not able to look at the back garden far less go in it. But I find it easier now because they’re different enough to not trigger me but I’ve also kept all the beautiful shrubs he planted like azaleas and rhododendrons… I’ll have a rose bush and lavender in a planter in his memory along with herbs. He was the cook in the family and he loved using herbs although he never thought of planting any. So, I hope I’ll be able to sit peacefully in the garden in the spring and summer. I have the same struggle with touching things and can’t even go in the shed yet.
I took the car to the handwash the other day for the first time since he died and then discovered that the high pressure jet has lifted a big patch of paint off the bonnet. And that is just another reminder of how lonely it is to try to sort these things out on your own.
I officially started back at work this week ,(was diagnosed with PTSD, still waiting for trauma counselling. I think I’ll have come to terms with it in my own way before that ever happens.) Had a half day at work last week and spent most of it in tears. I couldn’t ask for nicer people to work with but I just felt lonely amongst them. Unfortunately I was reminded that I need to attend a BLS refresher course which is mandatory and I’ve had to say that I don’t think I can do it, not having carried it out with my husband.
Sorry for the lengthy moan, think I’ve been saving it all up
I loved my home and my life , even though it wasn’t always easy . But we had each other to deal with stuff. I so get it about touching things , about a year after my husband died , I decided to try and sort the shed out . Three hours later , nothing tidied , just me absolutely sobbing , after touching all his tools and even kissing them ( I know crazy ) knowing he was the last person to touch them . I hate this life now , I have just been into town , and seen that many older couples walking about . All I kept thinking is WHY ME, WHY US . WHY don’t I still have my husband here loving me . Then the guilt took over , knowing it’s not their fault , bloody cancer to blame . So I just came back to the house , without buying anything . X
Sorry ment to say . That sounds a lovely idea , creating a corner in your garden . It may help you to find a little peace from all this hurt and grief.x
Hi , I hope your work understand , it’s to soon for you to be doing that refresher course. I went back to work 4 months after my husband died. I had been off work all through his cancer treatment , so I was off work for 10 months all in . It was very hard , I was so quiet . That wasn’t me at all !!I was always the one at work , that has a laugh , quick witted and always cheered them up . It did help me to have a routine to my day , I have been back over two years now . …I never had any bereavement counselling or read any books , just this site that has been and still is a lifeline for me . I didn’t want some one to be telling me how I should feel , when they had never experienced this devastation ,heartbreak and loneliness. …I have had a few things gone wrong in the house, my son does try and help , my toilet flush stopped working , he tried for ages to fix it ,in the end he said he was going to take a hammer to it ( like that would fix it ) eventually we did manage to fix it . I dread anything breaking in the house now . But this is my life now , sad , lonely , and just crap .X
Hi @Broken2222
I work in the NHS and everyone has been so kind and supportive, and they tried to find all kinds of support for me but in the end , like you, the only thing that has helped has been this chatline. I’d have been lost without it. I’m not really interested in counselling because I know I wouldn’t be able to share my innermost thoughts with a stranger over the phone. I’m on annual leave now until the beginning of April, it had been booked for holidays and breaks so I accrued all that time off. I feel ready to go back to a routine and company and some kind of structure but when I was getting ready for work last week it was heartbreaking. He wasn’t there padding around getting ready for work too, the house is just silent. I put on my uniform that he had washed and hung out for me the day he died. It’s just all so hard isn’t it. It seems like everything I touch just now just falls apart at the seams and I realise how much I took him for granted. We didn’t have a family so I’m now on a steep learning curve learning how to deal with things. I agree with you, life is sad, lonely and crap x
Mist2
How strange
I just had my front window renewed . Due to happen before my husband died. In his last few days he said get the window done I want the house warm for you! Even in his last days he was thinking of me.
I also understand seeing couples out together and thinking the exact same things . It was non Hodgkin’s lymphoma and 15 months of harsh chemo and a stem cell transplant . All failed.
Broken222
I can’t go into the shed . We had a new one when he was going through chemo. He so wanted a shed he could have everything set out as he wanted but the family s dumping space. He never got to use it .
He went to go in and he couldn’t do it as he knew he’d not be around to make use of it.
I kiss everything he touched to xx
My husband built the shed we have , he done it after his chemo and radiation treatment had finished . He used our old shed and other bits of wood and even put a window in from an old fish tank . I kept saying to him as he planned it while having his treatment , that we would buy a new one . But he wanted to make it himself . He had just started a new hobby of carving wood before he was diagnosed with cancer . We had bought a lathe and other stuff . All just sitting there waiting to be used . In a way I hate that shed , just knowing how hard he has worked on it . When he first died I could of just ripped it down with my hands I felt so angry . He built it in the June / July . He died in the September . So awful , so unfair , so cruel . X
Broken 222
So cruel
I’d want to rip it down to it’s so unfair.
I feel your distress I am so so sorry .
Bloody cancer .
I can’t bear the cancer adverts on the tv
I’m the same about the cancer adverts . They never show the pain that us widows ( hate that word) go through . It’s just all give your money and we will find a cure . Doesn’t work like that at all . Well not for us . If giving everything we have would of cured my husband . I would of lived in a cardboard box . I would of given anything to still have him here with me . X
@Broken2222
I can only imagine how you feel about his shed. It must be so difficult to look at it. My husband could turn his hand to most things and loved wood carving as well. He made a beautiful bird box and last May we sat and watched a big family of bluetits as they flew away one by one. Its a magical memory on one hand, and torture on the other. The garden is now something I will struggle with, I can only hope that eventually the wonderful memories will outweigh the terrible ones, and I wish that for everyone in this forum.
My wife also had non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and two years of treatment inc stem cell and CAR-T treatment, all unsuccessful.
After she was she told she was out of options she started getting the house I now live in ready, ordering a new log burner, door and greenhouse.
I miss her terribly, but when I light the log burner on cold wet days (like today) it reminds me of how much she loved having a fire, and gives me a warm glow in more than one way
PJ64
I’ve never met anyone who has been alongside the treatments for non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It was chemo plus two further different combinations then the stem cell . Car T was put forward by then he was very deconditioned . It was approved they retrieved his T cells but it all ended there . He quickly developed lymphoedema and stopped everything . Within less than 6 weeks he was gone. The treatments offered were suggested as curative but without any firm promises.
Jaq had chemo, which reduced a stomach growth but didn’t eliminate, followed by radiotherapy before the stem cell.
They looked at trials but she had a blood clot on her lung at Christmas 22, which was when they also said the CAR-T had failed, she might have been offered further chemo but rather than being ill with it she decided no more, quality over quantity and carried on 9 more months, last 5 weeks in hospital and hospice.
I am not sure how common/rare this treatment regime is.
I too would give all I have to get my partner back… this grief is so difficult to cope with…. My Steve had pancreatic cancer and died 4 days after Christmas Day…. Now I have his birthday coming up for the 1st time without him… I’ve never known sadness like this before…. I carry on but so far don’t feel like I’m able to move on, people say time is a healer but I don’t think my broken heart will ever heal…. Miss my man so so much… having a particularly bad day today…. Don’t know where all the tears are coming from….
Hello @Jenny2016
My heart goes out to you, and we all understand the wretchedness of grief. It’s so recent for you and very hard to have an emotional occasion coming up. It’s just over 6 months for me and I have already had anniversary, his birthday, Christmas and New Year and Valentine’s Day, and they were all so painful to get through. But just get through it in whichever way you feel is right for you, with company or not. I chose to be on my own and light a candle in the evening and make a toast to him with his favourite red wine. You will know what’s right for you.
Just be kind to yourself and don’t put yourself under pressure about moving on, you’ll manage to steer a path through it in your own way and your own time. Xx
@Mist2 , my husband had only just started his new hobby , but he has made me a few things , what are now my most treasured possession. Yes we have such a lot of happy memories , but I really want to share those memories with the person i made them with . X
@Jenny2016 , I don’t believe time is a healer , we adapt to living without our partners , even though we don’t want to . It’s two and half years since my husband died , and I still don’t know how to move on . … don’t even know the meaning of it , what is there to move on to . I still and always will love my husband , I am still IN love with my husband and I just miss him so terribly always will …I know before my husbands first birthday , i was in such a mess , I seemed to overthink everything , on the day it was really bad , but I did get through it . We all do and will get through these extra special days , somehow . Sorry you are having a bad day today . Sometimes I think we are like a pressure cooker . And we have to release the tears . Sending hugs xtake carex
Me too @Broken2222 .
I still can’t believe that memories are all I have now, and they just flood my mind all the time. 42 years of memories, and then he was gone before I could say goodbye to him. People tell me he wouldn’t want me to grieve like this, but none of them have been in my shoes. I hope that the spring and summer will part some of the dark clouds.xx
X