@Mist2 I had been with my husband since we were both 16 , married 39 years . He died at 59 . So all my adult life spent with him . Only time we were apart was when we were at work . We didn’t bother with friends , just needed each other to be happy . Now I’m suffering alone . Yes I have adult kids and grandkids , but I can’t put my grief onto them . They have enough to deal with . Not having their dad here , guiding and loving them . Any problem ,he could solve . Nothing ever got the better of him . Till cancer cruelly came along . And he lost his battle with it . I often think back to when we first met , life was so lovely and happy . It’s like a video recording in my mind playing out our life , I often pause at special times , and just want to relive that time again , when I felt safe and truly loved . Now I just want to fast forward to the end of my life . …people really don’t understand , the loss of your partner . Is also the loss of the best part of us . …yes let’s hope this dark cloud , that follows us about becomes a bit lighter in the better weather. Sending hugs x
@Broken2222
I echo everything you feel. It was love at first sight for us and we were joined at the hip from then on. We didn’t have a family but we had each other and we were very happy… All those years went by in the blink of an eye, and now every day that I exist feels like an eternity. Thank goodness for this community, sharing our common experience is much more helpful than trying to explain to family or friends how you feel, who just can’t imagine the depth of our emotions.
@Jenny2016, I hope you can also find some comfort on bad days like today. It’s a real rollercoaster xx
Just can’t seem to control my emotions today…. I know my Steve wouldn’t want me to feel like this…. And if it is possible I know he will be with me every second, he is the absolute love of my life…. I never imagined grief would feel this awful…. I’m so grateful for this site, nobody judging because we are all in the same situations….thank you for all the kind words and taking the time to read 
Jenny 2016
Your tears are from your heart . I too was married to a Steve . He put himself through hell with treatment side effects to stay with his family . He was also the love of my life.
We don’t have our loved ones to grow old with or retire with.
Broken2222
Yes move onto what , move forward etc etc
Meaningless to those bereaved.
I feel like that and I only lost my husband 5 months ago I find it very hard coming back to an empty house .
I’m retired and spent all day every day with my husband so find it really lonely now only one off my daughters comes to see me once a week
My home don’t feel like a home anymore
Pam 14
October 2023 my husband died. I have posted saying I don’t call my house home now. I call it a house. It’s so empty and silent . He is everywhere but nowhere
That’s how I feel
Same for me @wilderness and @Pam14
I had a real setback last week getting ready for work for the first time. It brought back all the routine we used to have in the morning trying to get ready, and the house was silent. He used to sound like a herd of elephants at times, and the floorboards would be squeaking. I would give anything to hear all that again. I had a lot of tears at work, and then I went home to an empty, silent house again. It just reinforced the fact that I’m alone now. But hopefully it will get easier to cope with work and I’m sure the company and routine will be a good thing. Xx
I know exactly how you feel, its 15 months since i have been on this heartbreaking , lonely ,road, which is hell sometimes.
Everyone tells me it will get better,but I cant believe it, allI can see is a long , lonely road in front of me.
I am retired and have not got the distraction of work,where i would see other people, chat to them , meet up with them socially .
My husband are are were both retired , we spent the last 8 yrs looking after our grandchildren, the youngest will be starting school in September . I remember saying to my husband what are we hoing to do with ourselves then, we loved looking after them and they gave us so much pleasure, but he said its going to be our time now to do all the things we wanted to do as a retired couple , i was his best friend and he was mine ,but cancer took him away from me , non hodgekins lymphoma, inside 21 months of treatment ,chemotherapy and all the suffering that comes with that ,he died.
All our dreams and plans gone and i am lost without him .
I also hate this place we called home, and what i really dislike are my feelings of jealousy and bitterness ,I used to be always full of life , dancing , singing and on the whole happy with life ,but now its just a case of existing 
and I’m so lonely even in company ,
Its just heartbreaking for us all . xoxo
Carly
I don’t believe it will feel any better how can it when the person this is all about is everywhere but nowhere.
We were working towards retirement Steve was 58 our future plans gone. I’m so sorry that your time together in retirement won’t be fulfilled in the way you planned.
My husband died from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma 15 months of continuous treatment then it all stopped . He suffered . Can I ask you about your experience ?
I totally agree with everything that everyone has said. It’s been a lovely Mother’s Day today: lunch out and a show with my brilliant son. But the tickets were bought before Alan died and there should have been three of us there not just two. And now I’m home alone with the deafening silence. The only thing I would say though ( and I have posted it before but I truly believe it); we said we would be together for eternity and we will. It’s just that Alan has gone first to check it out. I absolutely know that the old rocker has it all in hand and is waiting for me. This horrible loneliness is just a temporary setback. Take care everyone. xx
I think most of us feel that way. My husband had leukemia, a stoma, diabetes and everyday it was all about his illnessses and I feel so bad as I got angry and it wasn’t his fault but it was 20 years, day in day out. I just hope he forgives me wherever he is.
@Ilovehorses ditto. My partner and I were together 20 years. I’m his next of kin,the mother of his child, we were engaged but didnt feel a fancy ceremony and a bit of paper were necessary for us. But on every legal document I am no more than the informant. It broke my heart even more xx
At the moment i feel i am just going through the motions until i die.
My husband Steve had been ill with cancer for over 3 years
He thought he would go on forever or hoped he would
I just feel like I’m just plodding along hoping things might feel a bit better soon
The cancer adverts are Very misleading in my Experience.
No help from McMillan after Suzy passed or during. Consultants were patronising.
A friend offered to make a donation to Cancer research but I said no to that.
I asked her to make a donation to an orphaned elephant charity in Africa as Suzy loved baby elephants and I could see where that money was going.
Between 2016 and 2020 worldwide donations to cancer research was 34, billion dollars. With all that they still can’t fix it and how much money have they had since the 1960s? It’s all talk of break throughs but no cures. Not impressed. Somethings not smelling right with all that money.
Thinking of you x
Pleased your experience was better than mine with McMillan.
I can relate to the misdiagnosis . Useless they really are. They don’t seem to talk to each other . So one deals with kidneys the other deals with the pancreas and all they kept saying was her pain wasn’t a kidney pain. I mentioned the pancreas a few times with one occasion where they said any issues there would have shown up on the blood test. At that stage she hadn’t had a blood test so knew that was rubbish. Anyway it turned out what they thought was the primary in the kidney was not it was the secondary. The primary was in the pancreas all along.
All of them useless except the nurses who were superb.
I’m just left with a huge empty space all down to their incompetence
She never even had any treatment as by the time they knew what it was they were too late. They killed her in my book. And me with it.
@TaylAlis The loneliness is I think a term which inadequately describes our situations. Our’s is far deeper, the loss of a soul mate reminds me of being a jigsaw piece that had it’s piece attached then lost. I’m now back in the box with hundreds of other pieces and none of those fit. Even that doesn’t grasp the enormity of it. I think however we have to watch out for this ‘loneliness’ shrinking our lives bit by bit and ultimately destroying what little we have. I’ve no idea how to even start managing the loneliness but I suspect we have to, we have to find things that give us solace even for a few minutes, an hour or longer - I’m not there but will keep looking. Kevin
That’s so frustrating to have all those tests and still they miss it.
It was the same with Suzy.
It amazing what they do know and amazing what they don’t.
Consultants are parochial in they only concentrate on their respective organ.
They don’t treat the body as a whole and don’t talk to each other hence what we and our partners have gone through.
It was nice to get away for a week by the sea
going to places I went with Steve .I sat where we sat 6 months ago just watching the waves. I just wished he was still with me even with my family there it was lonely without him to talk to and be by my side
Life will never be the same again and now I’m back home all alone not wanting to do anything it’s so hard and sad 