I lost my Beautiful partner of 12 years on New Year’s eve to cancer. She was only in her early 50’s. My initial feelings were shock, numbness, anger and traumatic grief, which has now given way and been replaced with a different sort of grief. A sense of loneliness that’s painful and difficult to deal with, even when with family and friends, lost, as in I don’t know who I am without my partner, I miss her so much and I miss who we were together. Im struggling day in, day out with everything, life, work, relationships, normal everyday tasks that we take for granted, everything. I can’t concentrate, I’m forgetting things, I keep delaying, or putting things off till another day. I feel like I’m stuck in heartache and can’t move forward. The weight of the pain and anger is unbearable.
Im fortunate that I have loving, caring, kind and compassionate family and friends around me, I know that, but even when I’m with them, all I can think is, I’m not with the one person I want to be with, the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my anchor, my one true love.
When I’m home, I sit talking to a purple box containing my partners ashes, the neighbours must think I’m going mad, I feel like I’m going mad. I’m hurting, I’ve never experienced pain like this and I don’t know what to do.
Hi Franky, I’m sorry to hear how you are feeling. I’m in a similar situation as my wife died on Christmas day of cancer. I think you would find it beneficial to find a bereavement group to go to and a therapist. These feelings don’t just go with time and they can often fester. It’s important to talk through these emotions before you can learn to live with this new situation. We will never forget our wives but for them we have to learn to live with their memory and not just survive
Wishing you all the best
Tom
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly 9 months ago now and have found this group a life line.
Post here good days or bad, there are some amazing people here who will be along to help with advice.
I agree with Tom, a bereavement group is a good place to meet people who understand. I went to a few before I found one where I felt comfortable. Talking really does help and with strangers it’s easier.
We understand and are here for you. I am finding that there is a particular song (“earworm”) that keeps going round and round in my head. (It started on Thursday last with my husband’s admission to St. Christopher’s Hospice, persisted during the time of his decline and death, and ‘followed’ me home. It is still there, although I wish it was not.
It is “My Love”, composed by Paul McCartney and dedicated to his wife, Linda Eastman. I understand it was played at her funeral, after her death from breast cancer.
Thanks for your message and my sincerest condolences to you and your family mate. It’s a horrible disease that takes far too many good people way before their time.
I’m a massive advocate for talking therapies, its part of my work. I just think its too early yet to consider counselling or a support group, I feel like I would just sit there crying and achieve nothing at the moment, but in the not too distant future hopefully, it certainly is one of the pathways I will be heading down.
Your’e completely right in saying “we have to learn to live with their memory and not just survive.” But, its getting to that place where you learn to live again and feel comfortable in yourself and with who you become, we were like a double act, went everywhere together, always holding hands and totally and utterly in love. I just need to get to that place were I feel I’ll benefit from counselling.
Thanks Helen and I’m so sorry for your loss, my sincerest condolences to you and your family.
As I said to Tom, I’m a massive advocate for talking therapies, its part of my work. I just think its too early yet to consider counselling or a support group, I feel like I would just sit there crying and achieve nothing at the moment, but in the not too distant future hopefully, it certainly is one of the pathways I will be heading down.
I’m sorry for your loss, I truly am! April 14th will be one year since I came home from work and found my wife of 17 yrs dead ( dead is such an awful word that people avoid it, but that’s what it is) I’ve had the same issues, especially the forgetful part, if I lay something down, it’s gone, I have no clue what I did with it. The loneliness is the worst for me, I’m at home always talking to my wife, I felt her presence for the first 3 months then one day I woke up and realized she was gone I did not feel her presence anymore, very sad day. All I’d like to say to you is to just keep going forward that’s all we can really do I have no answers I’m struggling I’m just going to keep going forward. Good luck to you my friend.
Hi Redveg, my sincerest condolences to you and your family.
I’ve already got an “ear worm” song by The Beatles “All You Need is Love” it was played at my beautiful partners funeral, along with a whole lot of other music, so we’re in a similar situation, except my ear worm was written by Lennon and yours McCartney. Hopefully one day your song will leave and when it returns it will bring with it happy thoughts and memories of your husband.
Hi everyone, this is my first time here. Yesterday I lost my wife on what was her 60th birthday. I had an horrendous night and after coming back from the loo at 3.00 in the morning found her lifeless in bed. I gave her CPR and fumbled to phone 999, uncontrollably panicking on using the phone or give CPR. She eventually regained a heart beat but was unable to recover, after 5 hours in resus she took her last breath at 8.15. I am struggling to make sense of anything and have so many mixed feelings all weighing me down, grief, guilt, anger, pain, and above all loneliness. I really feel like I dont want to be here anymore, Julie was my absolute world and I am completely broken. I have had many kind messages of both friends and family, but I am struggling to understand how life can feel good again. I have 2 children and 2 grandchildren who are all heart broken. I am trying to stay strong but life just feels like a series of actions now, just movement and no desire for anything.
You’re not going mad, you’re grieving but it’s good you have family support. You’re only three months into your grief. I’m six months in now after losing my partner. it’s normal to be forgetful, overwhelmed, anxious and just not coping as your life has changed completely and the loss is dreadful.. I talk to George my partner all the time , sometimes out loud, sometimes in my head. I ask for his advice and sometimes I scream out loud on really bad days. Some people find counceling helpful, perhaps your GP could arrange that, but I’m told that there’s a waiting list for the NHS. Keep posting on here your feelings are valid and that’s one thing people on this site recognise. Take care.
I had a Spanish friend called Horhay when I was younger, he loved it when I called him George, as George Weah was his favourite player in the 90’s, when he was at PSG and AC Milan.
I completely agree with you that people struggle with the the word “Dead,”probably because it’s so final, but that’s exactly what it is, it’s the end of our loved ones existence with us, unfortunately. I just didn’t think it would affect me like it has, I wasn’t prepared for all this, not that I think you can prepare, but I’ve lost close family and friends over the years, but this is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, it’s absolutely devastating and heartbreaking, as I’d imagine you know.
I’m trying to move forward, but everything, everywhere and everyone just reminds me of my partner and the fact that she’s no longer with me , we did absolutely everything together and loved every minute of it.
Thanks for your response and expressing where your’e at.
Thanks for your words Brandon1, it’s very much appreciated. I really don’t think I’ll be going for counseling through the NHS though, they’ve already told me that there’s a 6 month waiting list in our area, so when I feel I’ll benefit from counselling, I’ll have to source some privately, a true sign of the times, unfortunately. I will keep using this resource though, it’s good to know that there are other people going through similar, in regards to the forgetfulness, loneliness, grief and total feeling of being lost.
Hi Franky, I live on my own now I have a few calls a week and that is that. I joined a bereavement group after going crazy at home on my own. When my wife was given 5 months to live we closed our business the same day. I have spent my whole life with my wife almost 40 years of marriage. I met her at 18. The first day I saw her I spent all the afternoon chatting, the next morning I was outside her door. I have never let her out of my sight untill now. I really wish I had died not her but we don’t get to choose.
All the best
Tom
Thank you for your kind thoughts. I have just received a letter from the Care Assessment Team of my local council. My (late) husband applied for services around 3 weeks ago, and I had to reply to them and inform them that he had died. Needless to say that was a pretty awful thing to have to do. Ah. well……
So sorry about what happened to your wife. There is no fairness to life, just random cruelty. I too feel that I would rather have died of cancer than have him suffer this fate. But, thinking about it, this would have caused him years of pain and misery as he would not have wanted to live without me, so perhaps it would have been better if both of us had died at the same time by means of a road traffic accident. Maybe falling under a bus.
I am sorry for your loss , my husband died suddenly heart attack.CPR was done on him till the paramedics arrived and took over . My husband was ill he was fit and well . It was such a shock ,he was 64 and 5 days away from his birthday. I had flashbacks for quite a while. I am pleased to say I don’t have them now. Your emotions will be all over the place . Take one day at a time.baby steps. Eat , drink and sleep when you can , grief is exhausting. Look after your self .
Hi frankly my heart goes out to you I feel your pain i lost my beloved partner in November from awful lung cancer I have a supportive family but I cant get him out my mind I have his ashes in a box in my living room lots of photos around a few grains of his ashes in had put in a ring so wherever I go I feel his with me lots of his friends visited at first now no one I think people think I’m strong as put on brave face but his on my mind all the time it’s go to bed and kiss his pillow and ask why did you leave me i then have a good few hours and then it hits me I am never going to see him again and the pain starts all over so I hope that you and everyone who feels like me will with time will heal our grief
HI @Keith64 I am almost 3 months in and had similar with CPR and paramedics (my partner Paul died of a DVT and pulmonary embolism). What you are describing is very familiar to a lot of us. Eat where you can, try and get some sleep but it is horrendous and none of us here will say any different. I log onto this site mornings and evenings - it has been a lifeline with so much support and good advice. One thing that helped me was someone saying you have masses of cortisol flooding through your system (fight of flight) and the physical impact is very impactful. almost 3 months in it has got easier but I have done lots of walking (see Tom @Brandon1 good advice) and tried to keep really really busy. Try and see someone for an hour every day and then go home and be in your own space. keep posting and we are here for you Nikki x
@Franky28 I too work with talking therapies at work. almost 3 months in a friend suggested I use work counselling as I have some negative thoughts I am struggling to share. I think that’s a good idea. I am glad I waited 3 months though. I think CRUSE do suggest 3 months as well as there is a horrible grieving process we all have to go through that is sadly all part of the process.
I have had cruise counselling, I waited 5 months for it . The times might be different in other areas . I was told by a counsellor at a bereavement cafe I go to.If you go for counselling to early . Your head is not in the right space for it .In the very early stages of my grief, it didn’t make any sense to me . After being 6 months into the grief, and after the counselling. I can understand why you have to wait a while.