Lonliness and Support

Dear all,

I just wanted to say how hard I am finding it to cope with the lonliness after the loss of my family. Due to work commitments (terrible shifts) and my own illness friends have drifted away over the years. I now have no close family except an uncle by marriage and he is quite old. He too has suffered loss of my aunt and my mum and dad who were his best friends.

I guess the thing is I know I need support and to be cared for a bit just now but I have nobody that close and its really hard. Sometimes it is the loneliness that gets to me that I no longer have someone on the other end of the phone. Today is a hard day. It will be my dads birthday in a month and it will be the first anniversary without both my parents. I really wish I had a family of my own right now. As I go for a walk I keep seeing people with families or friends and I have no one to go to. Somedays it is really hard. One thing we all need when we lose someone close is to have someone else around and know that we are not alone. So if you have anyone who can support you and wants to please take it. Take care

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Hi meebee,
Life is so cruel, just to get through each day is such a struggle especially losing close family. Friends do drift away over years and before we know it, we’re on our own, it’s all so sad.
I understand seeing families happy together and feeling sad, we all do, everyone on here is feeling that sadness.
Keep posting, I’ve made some lovely friends on here, that are always there for a chat, it has helped me so much, don’t be alone, we’re all here to listen
Steph x

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Thanks for your kind thoughts. I am finding that on here is the only way that I am expressing my feelings with people who know the same feelings. At work I put on a brave face listen to music and get on with it. People at work are friendly and supportive but only so far as work collegues are or aren’t and you just have to deal. But at home when you are alone or out and seeing everyone with their lives yes it is hard and here is the only way to express it . I have lost so many people over the last few years my two favourite aunts, my mum and dad, my dog, a friend moved away, another friend stopped talking to me when my illness prevented me doing what she wanted. I built myself back up then took care of my family and now i am alone and lost. Today is just a bad day because my illness is playing up. But here it is ok to share so thank you so much for replying it really does make a difference when people do. Take care

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The hardest thing about lockdown is being locked in with our feelings, all our normal distractions are gone and our grief is still there. And it doesnt matter whether it happened yesterday or ten years ago; if you are only processing it now it feels immediate. And grief screams out to be held in someones arms and comforted and three months without a hug is torture. So letting the tears come is all we can do whether others like it or not.

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That’s ok, we’re always here, it’s the only place where everyone understands exactly how you feel.
You’ve had to deal with so much over the last few years, it’s hard, talking to people at work or people that haven’t experienced loss is hard, they can sympathise but will never really know how we feel, they go home and we’re forgotten.
My family and friends don’t really understand, they try and say the right things, like you’ll get over this , life will get better, I lost my husband seven months ago, been married 30 years, I will never get over It but only people on here know that feeling. I also lost my two dogs over the past two years, my last dog died only four months before my husband, so I was still in a mess after that , they are like family, it hurts so much .
Your friend isn’t worth having if you couldn’t do things she wanted to do.
Hope you can get through today, it makes it much harder when an illness is getting you down .
Take care x

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Hello Stephtim, hope you and the others on here are feeling okay today. Bereavement, lockdown and terrible weather are such a lot of misery to pile on all our shoulders, so hard to keep positive. But in a way I feel lockdown has helped me, nobody going out and doing things so not quite so aware of missing anything. But when everyone can go out and do those nice, normal things, like going for a meal , coffee and a cake while shopping, going on holiday, that’s when we’ll really feel it as we’ve lost the one person we did these things with and nobody else will do. That’s the problem, lots of lovely people offering but we want our partner back to share everything with. And that feels ungrateful when people are being so kind and trying to help, including family. So hard for us all.

Hi bjane,
Thank you for asking, I’ve been keeping busy this morning, just to keep my mind occupied, then I sit for a while, then my mind starts again. How are you feeling?
I know what you mean about going back to normal after lockdown, everyone’s got their plans and we’ve got our grief. It is hard on our own thinking of all the plans we had and now nothing.
I do feel safe at home, it’s my sanctuary, when I’m out, the world is a scary place without Tim, everything is moving on and Tim’s missing out on everything, feel so alone .
Like you say, all we want is that one person, and we can’t have them, it’s all too sad.
It’s seven months for me, and it still feels just as raw and just as hard and missing him so much it hurts.
Hope you can get through today as best you can.
Steph x

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Hello Stephtim, nice to hear from you. How are you doing today? I hope you are as okay as is possible for us . I was thinking about how sad it is for you about your dogs, pets are such a comfort and at the moment would be a reason to get out of bed . Would you get another? I’m wanting to get a rescue cat to replace our dearly loved cat who died 2 years ago. Just thinking, only now ready to think about another one, if it takes 2 years to recover from the loss of a cat, how long for a husband? An eternity! Thinking of you x

Hi bjane,
I’ve also got three cats, so still have something to get up for. One of my cats pined when I lost my last dog as they used to cuddle up together.
I do miss having dogs, me and Tim used to love taking them out to different places for walks, now I’ve lost my dogs and my husband, but my three cats do get me through.
My cats were looking for Tim for a while, they used to lay on his lap, but they’ve stopped looking now, it’s upsetting that animals suffer too .
I would like another dog, but my cats are seventeen all from the same litter, so wouldn’t be fair on them with a bouncy dog. You’re right it takes a long time to feel you can get another pet as it’s heartbreaking losing them.
You should think about it , if you feel ready, they are lovely company as you know, something to look after and talk to. I’m always talking to my cats, they must think I’m crazy, but they do answer me back sometimes :joy: xx

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Pets are definitely good company and are sometimes more comforting in times of loss than humans because they seem to know just when you are hurting and need a cuddle. I guess lockdown is the reason I wish I had a pet right now but they are kind of expensive right now and my housing situation is quite bad so no longer suitable for a animal just now. I am so sorry for both your losses. I don’t think your cats think your crazy they probably enjoy hearing your voice even if they don’t understand the actual words they do understand the emotion and sometimes thats enough and they do answer. I am the one who is crazy i think because sometimes all I have got to talk to is the wall or if no one is around the sea. I guess I hope that someone can hear me in the great beyond. Whether it is my dead relatives or god I don’t know. I think if I wasnt going to work I wouldnt see anyone at all and maybe I really would go crazy. Here on this site somewhere to go. I am scared of allowing myself to fully grieve as i don’t know how to come back from it. When you have a friend or family or someone who gives you support then you can come back in your own way but when you don’t its very hard.
So anyway get a pet. They need love and support and they will return it tenfold. A dog also means that you will need to exercise it so it will make you have a reason to get up in the morning. Be careful about which breed you choose do your research first and get a breed that will suit you and your lifestyle. Take care.

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Not as crazy as talking to ashes perched on the bed! Or just randomly talking to your husband as you wander round the house! Family looking for a cat for me online but it’s not the same as going to a rescue centre. and seeing them all. You’ve got to feel it haven’t you and you can’t from a picture. They think I’m being awkward but they’ve been so supportive I’m so lucky.Take care!!!,xxx

Thank you for your words

It’s so good that we can all support each other on here. It’s like a very sad club but with members who all empathise with each other. And while I’m here does anyone else have issues with “widow, widower and late” or is it me being over sensitive, I really find those words upsetting , surely there could be something less bleak? x

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Dear Meebee, loneliness is very painful. Just read your message & thinking of you right now & sending a big hug x

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Dear along time coming,
Thank you for replying. Your words hold so much resonance with me and I guess many others on this site. They are certainly very wise. Take care of yourself.

Dear Bjane,
I totally get where you are coming from that its the normal things about going out for coffee and a cake and the normal things and when you see other enjoying them its not that you are jealous or envious of them, but it makes you feel empty and lost inside. That you miss what you can no longer have and what seems like a dream from a long time ago. I remember when I was first caring for my mum and running about the town for her and seeing a small group of women in the window of the local costa laughing and me outside looking in, I felt like the little boy in scrooge. Take care of yourself.

Dear bjane.
You are not being oversensitive, its okay to feel how you feel about those words. I too feel that the word late is awkward I mean what are they late for? However as a single person who has never been lucky enough to be married and loved in that way. I think something different of the word widow or widower, I know it is so utterly sad to have lost the love of your life especially if they have died young and basically any age before our early 80’s is a tragedy for our loved ones because we feel that they never got a chance t)o live enough) but if it was me I would wear the word with pride, pride because I knew that I had been lucky enough to be loved by someone wonderful and I would feel blessed that they had been part of my life. However earlier on when the loss is so very deep it isn’t so very easy to hear. So I hope that one day when the loss is a little easier to bear that maybe the words won’t feel so painful. Take care.

Dear Steph, thank you for your message. My cats have been a huge comfort to me since my Dad died. They seem to know when you’re suffering. There was a cat called Buddy at my Dad’s Care Home. Somehow, he managed to get up to the first floor (? via the lift) and visited my Dad and I. He lay on the bed as my Dad was dying and placed a paw upon my Dad’s heart… then he came to lie next to me on the floor. Not long after my Dad died, there was a knock on the door and it was the Funeral Director. Buddy rushed in ahead of him and again got onto the bed where my Dad’s body was. My Dad was very fond of Buddy - and Sue in the Office would bring him to my Dad’s room to cheer my Dad up. My Dad loved cats. Buddy is a very fine cat and it was lovely that he came to see my Dad before he died xxx

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Hi Rachel,
How are you? Pets do bring us comfort, they don’t realise how much. That’s a lovely story, they know more than we think.
Buddy probably brought your dad lots of comfort and company.
Hope you’re doing ok.
Steph x

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Hello Steph Rachel and Meebee, hope you are all feeling al right today. Is it full moon? Have been really tearful all day and I’m so grateful to be able to share that on here, not that I want to depress everyone! Thank you Meebee for your understanding, I feel so sorry for the situation you are in and so sad for you. To have lost all those who were close to you is beyond cruel and I really admire your fortitude, you are amazing. Lovely to hear about the cat visiting, they definitely do understand far more than we can know. Not the same, but when I was away at college, the night before I was due home our cat would spend the night on my bed. She never went in there at all when I was away, how could she know? Like our loved ones being around us, there are many things we feel but can’t explain. Sending love to you allx

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