Hi Meebee, Just read your next message! Families can be very challenging. When I had to sell the family home where my parents lived for over 50 years, Dad and I had to wait months for my sister - who wanted to visit the house and say goodbye - despite the fact that she hadn’t visited my parents’ home for over 10 years. Then she wouldn’t let me arrange a house clearance as she wanted to take some things - so the house was left, stuffed full, she took 1 item - and then I had to clear the house whilst she waltzed away! I hope you get the photos of your parents. These items are irreplaceable - and important. Try not to overthink the counselling - just go for it, live in the moment x I am sorry to hear that your parents were treated so shabbily by the Hospital. That’s dreadful, rude and unprofessional. Sadly, there are unkind people in most professions… Did you grow up on a farm? It’s so interesting reading your posts. My friend grew up on a dairy farm and I was always up there. Her Dad, the Farmer, was the happiest man I’ve met in my whole life! He had 3 baby cows who he named Rosemary, Margaret and Rachel - after his daughters and me. Having a cow named after me was one of the happiest moments of my life! I remember her Dad and these 3 little cows so well and it was over 40 years ago! We had the best time on the farm. Lots of fresh milk and vegetables from a walled garden. Happy Days! xxx
Hi Rachel, so glad about Kate’s results!! Have lost my phone all day til tonight, was wanting to ask earlier but was thinking about you both and hoping!! It sounds as if you’re having a really tough time , why are people so insensitive and thoughtless. I know they don’t mean it but it’s still so hurtful when you’re so vulnerable and nowhere near your normal self. Like you say , just because you can muster a smile and hold a conversation without bursting into tears doesn’t mean you aren’t grieving. For heavens sake! I’ve just posted somewhere on here about discussing a minor ailment with a friend who has the same. A bit flippantly I said I wondered if it was to do with all the tears I’be been crying and her face fell and she said, Oh no, you aren’t still crying are you? It made me feel like there was something wrong with me, but it’s only 4 months so I think that’s quite normal from what I’ve read on here!! I laughed at your husband’s comment on that exhibit, sounds just like Malcolm! Did you see that disgusting cow in formaldehyde ? I loved going there, we always used to go and eat at Giraffe or the Quiet Greek. Before the grandchildren were born we used to get to the theatre a lot, which we loved, then baby sitting duties kind of took over!
Your dad is really proud of Kate, I’m sure of it, he’ll know somehow, I’m not into this thinking they are up there watching us , though some people get comfort from that, but I do think they are somehow around us and aware. As has been said on here many times, they can’t simply vanish and cease to be, not with all that love we hold in our hearts for them.
I love your idea of retiring and living for a month in Venice, how idyllic!! You’re right, I might go one day, never say never, I suppose and I’ll have to start learning to do things on my own, as will lots of us on here. Your Dad sounds a very special man and I know how heartbroken I was when he died very suddenly. it’s a terrible feeling. He used to come for Sunday dinner and when everyone had finished he and I would stay sitting in the dining room, putting the world to rights and chatting. I so missed him but can look back now and smile at all the happy memories, you will too but it takes a long time . Marly is sitting on my knee and pushing his head into the phone, think he’s trying to tell me something ! Hope you have a better day tomorrow’s and everyone is kind to you. night night , lots of love xxxx
Hi Meebee, yes that Italian trip was quite funny, dangerous really when you think about it! We just hopped into this speedboat and had no clue where we were being taken!! So unlike Malcolm, he was always very cautious , I was the mad impetuous one!! You may well get to Italy yet, we just need to find someone to go with us and plenty of time, don’t think too many people feel like flying anywhere at the moment. Thank you for your thoughts on what to do next year, what your Mum did was lovely, will see what next year brings. I hope you’ve had a good day and haven’t felt lonely, this pandemic has made everything a million times worse for everyone, I think we’ve all had enough of the fear and isolation it’s caused. Sending love xxx
Hi bjane, Thank you! Kate much happier today, now the stress is over, even singing whilst cleaning the mud off her trainers! I find it’s the offhand remarks that hurt - like comments about being confident. I’ve yet to meet anyone brimming with confidence after the death of a loved one! I was dismayed to hear the comment from your friend about crying. Some people have no concept of the impact of their words. When my mother in law died at home from cancer and 5 weeks later my Mother died, I eventually returned to work after 6 weeks and was having a wobbly moment - and my (previous) Clinical Lead said to me “well, Rachel, people die…” Joan and my Mother had never died before(!) and I couldn’t believe my ears, hearing this from a Health Care Professional! If your minor ailment is your eyes, be vigilant. My eyes were sore from crying after Mum died and I had repeated infections, given all the wrong treatments by my GP and ended up in the Eye A&E - where I got the correct treatment and was told I had lost some vision due to the delay caused by incorrect medicines! Be forceful with your GP , if it’s eyes and you’re worried. I wish I had been more focused… If you want to cry for Malcolm, you go ahead. He is worthy of your sorrow x I’ve only seen a few Banksy exhibits and paintings. I grew up in Bristol so have seen all his artwork in the streets. Haven’t seen the cow. Poor thing! Thank you for your lovely words about Dad and Kate. I had his photograph and told him how brilliantly she’d done. I don’t think my Dad is watching over me. After he died, I was very sad and had a sense of his presence but none since and that’s ok as I know he is free now. Every day I thank God for my Dad, his life and for taking him to Heaven. But, you’re right, the love doesn’t end x Your Dad sounds lovely too. It’s funny, you have all these traditions and regular visiting and phone calls and then everything changes and all the comfortable routine that is so familiar, is gone. I miss seeing my in-laws - all the meals, freshly baked cakes, gardening, doing crafts with Joan and the girls, lovely chats with Joan - she was an intelligent and kind woman. My Mum had severe poor mental health so Joan was a great support to me. She was my mother in law but she was also my friend… And Dad, well, I just miss everything - even sitting with him snoozing and being peaceful together x Do you feel like a part of you left with Malcolm - after a lifetime together? (I hope it’s ok to ask that x) … I’m so happy that Marly is settling in, that’s great! Re Work - yesterday was better. I didn’t work with that loud nurse. When I saw her, I just pressed the mute button and got on with my patients and managed to fade her out. This is my survival technique! Have a lovely weekend. Hope you have nice things planned. Love to you & Marly xxx
Hello Rachel, love your pressing the mute button strategy! Katie used to pull her”bell jar”over her face! Yes, that’s just what I feel, that a part of me left with Malcolm, never to come back. Like you and your in-laws, it’s a huge chunk of your life that’s suddenly disappeared and it’s hard to adapt to such an unwanted change. How strange, my mother died about a month after my mother in law, though she was twenty years younger.It felt like the bottom had dropped out of my world, it was my first baby’s first birthday and it felt so unfair. I still feel so sad that my Mum never met the other two, especially as she’d said that she would really have liked me to have a girl too. I can’t believe that terrible person telling you”People die””So brutal when you were so obviously suffering badly , certainly not acceptable from a health professional. I hope the weather gets better for the weekend and you can have a lovely relaxing break from work and difficult people! Is it beginning to feel a bit more normal now you’re back or no better?
Have been to Hebden Bridge today, walked around crying a bit , seeing all the places I used to go with him and realising all over again that we’ll never do those things again. It was raining so I just let it happen, didn’t last long. I managed to find a charity shop which would collect so I am going to spend the weekend sorting through all my clothes, shoes, handbags, etc, having realised that I don’t need so much “stuff”. It’s been a wake up call for me, I’ve belatedly realised that Mulberry handbags, designer shoes and clothes don’t matter at all, When you’ve lost the person you love most in the world everything else is insignificant, so I hope my things can raise lots of money for our local hospice. They are coming next week so I’ve plenty of time ! Marly is being a lovely companion, he jumps up onto my knee and purrs so loudly, he really is affectionate. I feel sad because I know Malcolm would have loved him but I also know he’d be so
pleased I’ve got him. Had a little hiccup todsy when I got an email offering extra issued tickets for the Killers in Manchester next year. I love them and would have loved to go with Malcolm but there would be no pleasure without him there. Just have to remember the surprise trip to see Rod Stewart in November! I’ve defo rambled tonight, hope you got through all that! Night night, lots of love,xx I still don’t know how to post a photo so can’t show you Marly!! x
Hi RCB and BJane,
I have been off the site for a few days. Was a bit down. And decided to take a wee bit of a backseat on some of site. But also went to stay with uncle out of broadband range. I am just now catching up with your stories I have missed you both… So its really good to catch up. RCB I really feel for you about new collegue (some people think they know it all but usually it is the people that act like that that know the least) it would be a difficult situation at best of times but when you are vulnerable and grieving it is amplified and that much more difficult. So glad that you do have some supportive colleagues they can make all the difference and help you feel able to carry on. So glad to hear about Kates GSC results you both must have been relieved the COVID has made the results system even more stressful than usual. Well done to her. Its hard isn’t you really miss the ones you have lost at a milestone and it tinges the happiness with just a bit of wishful sadness. Yes I am sure your dad would have been very proud of her. Love the story about going to the tate modern and thinking it wasn’t finished, I too like some types of art but yes some art isn’t art I would have agreed with Pete I think. I like monet I once was lucky enough to visit his house and garden which had an amazing atmosphere, It still felt like a home and his studio felt like he would just walk back in at any moment. The garden was beautiful but it so funny because I always thought it was much larger than it actually is. Its the same with the mona lisa its so small in real life.
Thinking of you both
Meebee
Dear RCB,
Oh the hospital was also very wonderful to mum and dad. Its about individuals and individual words. It was mainly their GP who wasn’t very good and a couple of people. There was a wonderful doctor in the hospital who finally diagnosed my mum and he had her sent to the Beatson very quickly. And there was also a number of very wonderful nurses on that ward as well as a ward sister who was very kind to her. I took in lots of choclates and cards them when she left. It wasn’t enough but it was something. When it comes to hospitals I feel sorry for the patients who don’t have any visitors, not during the COVID but normally it is hard for them when they have nobody to bring them things in. Like toiletries and stuff. I wish we had candy stripers like in US to help these patients. I grew up on a couple of different farms as my dad and Uncle were shepherds. That is so cool I used to name the animals too. Dad said I shouldn’t as you can get too attached and they have to go. i did have one pet lamb that followed me about like a dog. The cool thing was my uncle kept it and when it had its own lamb it had to come down and show me. So it hadn’t forgotten me. I thought that was cool. It is lovely being on a farm with the animals and it must have been cool as a kid to have a cow named after you and watch it grow. Yes milk and veg and eggs all taste much better straight off the farm. That dream you have about venice you should go for it once COVID is over. Sounds wonderful. I would definitely have loved to do something like that too I loved the thought of Italy when I read all these fiction books based there. Maybe you and Kate could go for a bit once she finishes Uni but before starting her first job.
Take care
Meebee
Hi bjane, lovely to hear from you x Have had a bit of a week - a migraine and then coping with that loud woman at work. Yesterday, I nursed a lovely patient with poss covid and all the awful symptoms. Her friend is terminal and she was telling me about how she is caring for her and will have to plan the funeral. It was so close to my experience and, unfortunately, I cried at her bedside and had to go out of the hospital. I did manage to go back and carry on looking after her. I explained and she was so lovely to me. Have had a really weepy week. This loud nurse keeps referring to me as “she” in front of the Team and it’s getting me down. She’s very rude and I will speak to my Clinical Lead. Normally, I would ask her to kindly stop it but after my Dad’s death and returning to work, I just don’t feel that robust and a big part of me is just trying to phase her out and hold onto “me”. I’m just being super nice and I told her how lovely she was with her patient (which she was) - which sort of disarmed her. She’s leaving soon and will only work with us infrequently. It’s so hard dealing with difficult people who don’t know you and don’t care that you’re bereaved. Deep breath…and activate the mute button but the “bell jar” sounds good! Must have been so hard, losing your Mum, after your baby’s first Birthday. All the happiness of a new little person and then losing someone you’ve known all your life and trying to be a Mummy when you lost your own Mum. Being a first time Mum is challenging enough. I’m sorry your visit to Hebden Bridge was sad. The memories just come and sweep over you, don’t they? But it’s good to cry. It is ok to cry. I went to visit Dad’s Grave the other day and cried all the way there! Summer’s going but let’s hope that the Autumn is beautiful. A huge storm is on it’s way today. Well done you, finding a charity shop. I’m so with you about “The Stuff”. I grew up in a hoarder’s house (my Mum) so I’m constantly decluttering. I just spent 10 years being a carer for 4 elderly people, 2 of them terminal and after emptying numerous houses and flats - I just stopped shopping for myself. It was so sad dismantling someone’s life and bagging things up for charity shops and bins - and, at the end, very little of it meant anything and I saw that someone’s life was just everything in comparison to all the stuff they’d kept. For me, it was a very freeing concept to learn - that stuff is meaningless really, apart from photos and a few treasured objects… I know what you mean about insignificance. Hurrah that all those things, will raise lots of money, and improve those last few days for people in the hospice - and also be used to support their families afterwards. I worked in the Charity Shop today and we sold loads of things. They are a lovely Team and it really helps me as I am not working in a Health environment and can let go for a bit x Marly sounds gorgeous. Keep cuddling him. It’s good to have pets, they like you and don’t care what you’re wearing or what you look like - as long as you have access to their food cupboard! We like The Killers, such a great band. Could you go with Katie? I’m sure Malcolm will be there with you x If you go and cry to your favourite songs, that’s ok, it’s all part of your healing and recovery. That’s what I think when I cry. It’s the love we have - for the person whose gone on x Enjoy the decluttering, letting go. Think Marie Kondo “does it spark joy?” Think of all the good coming from the money that the Charity Shop makes. Just fab! Have a lovely day. Big hug. Rachel xxx
Hi Meebee, I’m glad your Mum & Dad were well looked after at the hospital and, bless you, looking after all those nurses. We get lots of lovely cards where I work and it’s really appreciated and encouraging. All Nurses have to Revalidate every 3 years where we have to collect evidence of continual learning, work a set number of hours, write 5 reflective essays and obtain 5 pieces of feedback. This is then discussed in depth with your Clinical Lead who signs you off to remain on the Register and that you are of good character - so any feedback to a Team is GREATLY VALUED, so thank you… oh, and every Nurse in the UK, has to pay £120 per year to remain on this Register - otherwise you can’t practice. Any nurse can be struck off the Register but I would love to know where all this money goes! At the moment, there are no visitors in hospitals due to covid. Very lonely and isolating for lots of people and hard for patients with dementia who are at risk of further cognitive decline. The repercussions of covid are immense… How lovely to grow up on a Farm. I loved being on my friend’s Farm when I was little. I like sheep. My name means sheep! We have a field near us with some very fancy looking sheep - it’s some kind of project going on locally. How fab that the sheep bought her lamb to see you. I really loved the cow named after me. She was completely black and you could put your arms around her neck. I think cows are fascinating - how they live together and have their own distinct personalities. They are such beautiful animals. My friend has a horse and I enjoy going to the Stables with her. She has such a bond with her horse. How many sheep did your Dad and Uncle keep? I was watching a tv programme where sheep were collected off the hills and brought back to the Farm by people on horseback. Hard work but what a satisfying way of life - outdoors and surrounded by Nature… Gosh, I would love to go to Italy with Kate but she’s 16 and just wants to be with her friends!!! I went to NYC with my eldest daughter. It was the year of the 1st anniversary of my Mum’s death and I couldn’t bear to be at home. Mum died on the 4th July - so on the day, we went to St Patrick’s Cathedral and lit candles, then onto Central Park, rode on the Carousel, left a tiny padlock on a fence near a stream where the birds were bathing and then we went to watch the fireworks. It was amazing. All the sounds of the fireworks were ricocheting off the immense buildings, like gunfire! I think my Mum would have been pleased that we did something fun to remember her x Hope you’re having a lovely day. Lots of Love, Rachel xxx
Hello Rachel, was thinking about you yesterday and hoping all had gone well laweek. I just wish I could give you a massive hug, you’re having such a horrible time. With the brilliant job you’re doing it’s unbelievable that you should have to work with someone llike that, she sounds like she shouldn’t be doing that job .Any more and I’ll have to be round with that rolling pin, awful woman!! Just trying to make you smile 
And how hard for you with those patients, I’m not surprised you cried, of course it will bring everything back , you’re in a very fragile state and you deserve so much better. Migraine’s are terrible, so debilitating, do you get them often? With all the stress you’re under it’s no surprise though, you need to make sure you’re looking after yourself. I don’t think I could bear to see The Killers without Malcolm, I know I just couldn’t I can listen to Rod Stewart and Dire Straits without sobbing the place down all the way through so that’s a bit of an improvement I suppose. Marly hasn’t been very well and I had to get him to the vets yesterday. I didn’t have a carrier, had given Webster’s away,so had to borrow one and get a taxi. As soon as we got into the taxi he escaped! Because he’s quite small he squeezed through the wicker bars and then sat blimking at me and purring!! We arrived early and couldn’t go in because of Covid but I had a lovely taxi driver who said he’d wait until we were finished. What a lovely man!! . Have the charity people coming tomorrow, , hope they come in a Pantechnicon!. And I truly hope tomorrow is better for you and that woman behaves. herself. I really don’t want to have to dust off my rolling pin!! Lots of love xxxxx
Hi Meebee,Hope you had a good day and didn’t get that bad storm rhat was forecast. We didn’t really see it, just quite windy and a lot of rain. But at least it was warm!! You were so lucky growing up on farms, what s livelhh uh childhood you must have had! Whereabouts were they? I’ve been loving the Yorkshire Farm programme on television following an amazing family living on a remote farm in the Yorkshire dales. Can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before- it’s late!!
And how lucky were you to visit Monet’s garden at Giverny, we had planned to go some time but time ran out, as we all now realise it does . I was surprised about it
not being very big , it always looks as if it’s quite a large area. But not as disappointing as the Mona Lisa, I remember feeling quite let down when I saw it, couldn’t believe it was so insignificant!! I’m hoping Boris might make an announcement for our lockdown area tomorrow, it was mentioned on the news this morning, so fingers crossed. Though you never know with Boris!! I hope you’re going to have a good day tomorrow and you’ve got something nice lined up. I’m going to finish the first round of getting stuff ready for charith collectio tomorrow, our living room looks like a jumble sale
I can’t bring myself to call it my living room, it doesn’t feel right, it still feels like Malcolm’s presence is here. Lovely to exchange our news and feelings on here. Sending love xxx
**
Meebee, don’t be lonely , you’ve always got us!! I hope today is a bit better for you, at least the weather isn’t as terrible as yesterday, that can really get you down all by itself. I’ve got rid of a whole van full of stuff to charity and feel so much lighter now it’s gone! Am going to get some more sorted tomorrow!! Nothing of Malcolm’s of course just general stuff I’ve realised I don’t need or even want anymore. Think everything’s somehow got into perspective now and material things just don’t matter. I.’d live in an empty house with just the clothes on my back if only things could go back to how they were. Not to be, sadly. But I did want to tell you both about something that happened last night. I’d been next door at our son’s til about 10x then came home and watched tv with Marlybon my knee. At about 11.30 I started thinking about going to bed when the front door handle rattled and turned a bit. It made me jump and Marly leapt off my knee. I went straight to the door but there’s as no sign of anyone! But I hadn’t realised that somehow I’d forgotten to lock the door and would have gone to bed with it unlocked. I then went to check on the French windows in the dining room, which I never do( Malcolm always did!! and one of those was unlocked too! I’m sure that was him keeping me safe. Lovely to think they’re still around! Lots of love to both, hope you have a good day tomorrow xxxx
Dear Meebee, I’m sorry to hear about your loneliness. It’s really painful… Keep writing here. I really enjoy hearing about the Farm. Would love to hear more about your childhood on the Farm. Keep in touch with us all. Big hug, Rachel x
Hi bjane, your message made me laugh out loud! I tried writing to you the other day, on an old computer, and it just said that it was too old to open the programme! Blimey, I know exactly how it feels! Today, using a computer that is more in line with the Starship Enterprise! Thank you for your kind words. I just have visions of you with that rolling pin and it just makes me laugh! The working week got better…I think one of the Senior Nurses told her I was bereaved and so she was much nicer to me. She’s still loud but I am just turning the volume down or muting it. I got through. Yesterday, we went shopping and when I was getting back into the car, my car door accidently knocked the neighbouring car. There was no damage but the other driver got really angry. I felt a bit stressed and then I realised, how fragile I feel since Dad died. It’s weird, like all your coping mechanisms are greatly reduced or non-existent… Hold onto The Killers tickets. You never know, in the future, you may feel able to go. You don’t have to decide today x I hope Marly is ok, bless him. What a naughty cat, squeezing out of the cage. So glad the taxi driver was patient and kind enough to wait. Well done, decluttering. I took a big bag of stuff to one of those bins this morning. A lot of the charity shops here will only accept donations on certain days. I worked in the shop this week and the place was rammed with stuff. It seems like the World and his Wife are decluttering. Still, it’s all good and raises funds for good things. Having a chilled day today, everyone out and have the house to myself plus cats. It’s nice to have some peace after a challenging week. I hope you’re ok and get to see Family over the BH weekend. Thanks again, for making me laugh!!! Lots of Love, Rachel xxx
To RCB and Bjane.
So sorry I have missed you both very much but not been on site for a bit, too long story for here but I promise I will catch up with you both over the weekend sometime. I love hearing from you both too. And in the meantime I hope you are both doing ok and Bjane I hope marley is settling in okay. And Rachel I hope you have sorted things out at your job.
Take care thinking of you both
Meebee
Hello Rachel, so glad the awful woman is behaving better so I don’t have to dust down my weapon just yet!! And glad you’re able to have a nice chilled out day, hope to ortow’svgood too. Horrible about the car door, I know what you mean about being fragile, it doesn’t take much to upskittle us does it. Don’t you love that word Our lovely neighbour uses it and I’d never heard it before, I think it’s great!!! Marly is better now and he’s being a perfect little boy, he’s so affectionate and never stops purring. I could easily do absolutely nothing all day, he just loves to sit on my lap and purr!! . Don’t know if I said, but I don’t drive, had lessons years ago and hated it it so never got as far as taking a test, though my examiner tried to get me to. Anyway, I’ve decided to try again and I went out today , for the first time in 20 years, with our son who’s very patient like his Dad. The trouble was. Malcolm just took
me anywhere I wanted or needed to go, I was so lucky. Not so good now?, I wish he’d made me do it but he wasn’t like that. he always wanted to things for everybody such a lovely man. You’ll feel the loss of your Dad for a long time, I know I did, You sort of become a unit and then it gets broken nd then you get broken for a while too. I was teaching full time when my dad died suddenly on my birthday and it hit me really hard. I had to take time off work and it was nothing like the stressful
and upsetting work you’re doing. I think you’re doing really well to keep getting up every day and going to face what you have to deal with , you’re an angel! But one day you will be able to think of him without it hurting and you’ll be able to enjoy the lovely memories without getting upset. That’s a promise! 
Have a calm relaxing day tomorrow, lots of love xxxxx
Hello Meebee, hope you are all right. Please keep posting and let us know how you’re getting on . Like Rachel, I love to hear about your time on the farm it sounds lovely . Take care with love xx
Good evening ladies, I’m pleased to see you are still using this thread for your conversations. Keep it going.
I sent a PM to Meebee to ask if she was OK. Hopefully she will post soon again.
I seem to be going through an evening of posting. It would have been my wife’s birthday yesterday and I think I just need some distractions to keep me semi sane.
Take care all x AL
Hi Al, thought you’d deserted us!! Nice to have you back. I feel for you, it was Malcolm’s birthday in July and it felt incredibly sad and hopeless . You start remembering what you’d done on previous occasions and then torture yourself thinking iyou’ll never be able to do it ever again. All so horribly final. I went out to a lovely restaurant with our son and his fiancée and coped til I was on my own then just broke down, wanting him to be there and just missing him so much. But it’s a step forward, a first that we’ve managed to survive so surely the next one can’t be quire so bad. Don’t leave us again! x
If you know how to send a PM please could you tell me how to post a photo!? I’m clueless with things like this, that was Malcolm’s area of expertise and he loved
it . Thank you x