Hi Meebee, so sorry you have been ill, hope you feel better now. Nice for you to be on holidsy , that will be lovely to go to your uncle’s smallholding, especially cuddling a collie.Talking of cuddling Marley is lying across my chest so I can hardly write! Glad you like his name, it was a dog wasn’t it, in”Marley and Me”quite an old film. His name was Marlon but we weren’t too keen so we shortened it. He doesn’t seem to mind!!! I think I’ve lost my mojo at the moment. I’m finding it hard to get creative
and I always used to be.When I was at home with the children I used to design sweaters and I have lots of wool as well as material waiting for a project but can’t seem to get motivated. Hopefully it will come back! Have a lovely holiday and enjoy the cuddles!! Xxx
Hi Meebee, Hope you’re ok and have sorted out the things with your family. I know how this is, I have problems with my sister who neglected both our parents and now doesn’t return my texts or emails. I sent her a large parcel last week of all her baby photos - but no response. It is upsetting but there is nothing I can do. She lives a very isolated life and just doesn’t seem to “need” people at all… I hope the counselling goes well for you. I was writing to bjane about counselling and it can make you feel exhausted and vulnerable after a session - so be prepared x This site has been a Godsend for me too. The warmth and the friendship is just lovely… It’s so kind that you think of me but we’re only “amazing” because we work in Teams and I am lucky to be part of a great one with a kind and normal Clinical Lead. Makes all the difference! It’s great that you are making a new friend, not easy when you’re bereaved. So glad that her gorgeous dog welcomes you too! I see a lady out walking her dog and he looks like a grey woolly sheep and everyone makes a fuss of him. Maybe a dog will suit you best? Cats are lovely but can be aloof. A cat allows you to live with them! I hope you’re having a good day and work is ok for you. Keep your chin up. Lots of Love, Rachel x
Hi bjane, we painted a lot. At home, when I was little and then at the care home. He liked art exhibitions and watched every programme about art. When he retired, he stood for hours outside the Art Gallery in Bristol to go in and see the Banksy exhibition. As an Engineer, he was fascinated by Banksy’s moving exhibits! I’m so glad that you and Malcom shared a love of Italy. I’ve travelled a lot and Venice is in my top three favourite cities. Burano and Murano were lovely and I went to another island further away but can’t remember the name now. Just lovely. How exciting to be whisked away by the Mafia! You are right about not putting things off. There is only now. I found Lockdown and this new existence really difficult. When my mother in law and my Mum died, I just went to every exhibition and art gallery, film, play and Gardens that I could get to. Looking at beautiful and interesting things helped soothe me. I wasn’t able to do these things when Dad died due to the pandemic and I think that added to the strain of trying to recover. Now, I do different things - walk, read, cycle, yoga, gardening - it all helps. You’re right, not to waste time, I completely agree. In Nursing, you see how people’s lives are suddenly altered or ending far too soon and nobody is ready - hence the swig of gin, lippy on and get back out there! Just enjoy the fabric and remember Italy x I’m wearing my Dad’s sweatshirt today which I cropped and cut the collar off…could you tailor one of Malcolm’s shirts and wear it? Do learn Italian, it’s such a beautiful language and Malcolm would approve. Have a lovely time with your Katie. Just had a lovely time with my Kate - she bought some clothes, so she’s happy! Looking forward to seeing a photo of Marly! Have a lovely day. Big hug. Rachel xxx
Hello Rachel, hearing from you always cheers me up! Don’t know why I’ve been feeling down for the last couple of days, must be the weather, or I’m a cat! Just had a check in call from the doctor’s, the nurse practitioner was so sweet but she really didn’t have a clue! Did I have family, close friends, neighbours to talk to? Yes and yes again, all those thank you , and then some , have just been on the phone to a friend in Ireland for 2 hours. I’m not short of . Isomeone to talk to, I want Malcolm back and I want to be able to go and see my family and be able to hug them all. Like you said, COVID has made life pretty impossible for us, coping with grief and not being able to do nice things nor spend time with loved ones is gut wrenching.
Bless her, she told me lockdown wouldn’t be long ?? And said I was a nice lady!! I hope Kate’s shopping trip didn’t cost you too much!!
I remember Katie when she was at uni! We have friends in
London we used to visit in those good old days before coronavirus stepped in and we always visited an art gallery or exhibition. I nearly got kicked out of the Tate Modern once when I approached a small plant on a plinth with a view to removing a small cutting. Just in time a uniformed person approached me and pointed out that it was an exhibit! Poor Malcolm was mortified, he never broke rules!, bless him. I bet that Banksy one was worth waiting for, hope he enjoyed it I would’ve liked to see Hockney’s trees but we must have missed it somehow. . Yes Italian is a beautiful language but I only wanted to learn it with a view to actually using it, which isn’t too likely now. Still, never say never!! Think I just saw a flash on here about exam results, think they are going to actually back down and accept the teachers’ grades. What a mess, hopefully Kate’s should be ok. Enjoy your day. Lots of love xxxxx
Oh Ann
I totally understand where you are coming from I had a couple of really nasty bullying bosses when my dad was ill and after he died. And also I read about some really nasty dictator. It was really hard but I felt so bitter and angry at times too because I felt why my wonderful dad (ok he had a couple of faults) but overall he was a really great dad and a man that many people looked up to. And I too thought why him why not these bosses or an abuse father or that dictator why my dad. And wishing it was these horrid evil people instead. Then I felt so guilty for feeling like that. I too felt there was no justice in the world and everyone kept going on about karma well I lost my faith in karma. And I too felt like losing faith in God or at least I felt God might be a different type of entity to I once believed. I still have utter faith in an afterlife but as to God yes that is definitely a difficult thing isn’t it. I felt that I must be a bad person to think like that but its actually a perfectly natural part of grieving.
Sorry post got a bit messy with the going back and forth.
Take care. Thinking of you.
Dear bjane,
Thanks for your kind thoughts my illness is just something I live with but it can be hard to deal with especially after a loss. Yes it was a really good film about a dog and I think they named him after Bob Marley the musician. But I liked the sound of it. I think a few people do that name their pets after someone. A woman I knew at work lost her first common in law husband in a motorbike accident and someone gave her a puppy which she gave either his surname or middle name as a way of remembering him. I too used to be creative but have lost the mojo as you put it too. I used to do glass engraving and other stuff but yes hopefully I will be interested again someday or find another creative outlet. Designing sweaters sounds a really cool thing to do, How interesting. What about something for your grandchildren for xmas. Maybe using something of your husbands so they could have a little something of you both as a keepsake. And it gives you a few months to think about it.
Was reading your post to Ann what a remarkable woman you are. Teaching in a rundown area must have been both quite a difficult and very rewarding experience. You also must have had to be a strong person to have to deal with some of those children and their situations. But now I am also curious in what subject did you teach? Did you know some ex-teachers have been recording lesson plans for children in Africa I think I saw it on the news because I remember seeing a couple of them being interviewed and they also talked to the children via video. Its a charity scheme but I wish I could remember the name I have a terrible memory at times. Back to Marley you will so have to post a pic sometime we are longing to see him.
Best wishes to you.
Meebee
Hi RCB,
Thanks for your kind thots but I wont be sorting things out with my family anytime soon, some of the things they have done are totally unforgivable and that comes from me, who well tries in general to be a tolerant patient and forgiving person. I myself hope that one day they will return photos to me as there is a small list of items that I am supposed to have gotten in my mums will but it is unlikely that I will ever get them. They are only keepsakes I have only a couple of photos of my mum and dad. They don’t want them but would rather cause me pain by not giving them to me. Still it is what it is right now and I leave it to the solicitor just now. Yes I am both looking forward to the counselling but also kind of anxious. Still as long as it helps in the long run I guess thats the main thing. Your job and what you do is admirable not just now because of the COVID but normally I know both from my Aunt being a ward sister and having spent so much time in hospital with my mum I was on nodding terms with half the staff the amount of time I spent there. So I saw first hand all the work that you do and you really do make a difference to hundreds of families. I also know what it is like when the nurses arent so good one of the wards mum was in (she was in quite a few different ones) and one dad was in for couple of days and one nurse receptionist who said something horrid to my dad. He was so upset and ashamed and he had nothing to be ashamed about. {It was because he had colon cancer which had spread to his liver so the doctor sent him to the hospital to get an operation/treatment usually reserved for alcoholics so you can imagine how she treated him if only she had read properly} Both my mum and dad were very hurt by this and usually nothing ever phased my dad. So it really makes a difference when people are kind and caring in hospital, so don’t dismiss it you are amazing. i also get what you are saying about how a good boss makes all the difference too, it really does no matter where you work and especially now it makes it easier to deal with things if your boss is understanding and supportive with your situation. Yes I have always loved dogs. I don’t like cats in kitchens but have always had a soft spot for a beautiful tabby or a lucky black cat. We have had some amazing farm cats over the years. My uncle had one that used to follow me everywhere though I think that was because I used to feed it the leftover milk when feeding the lambs. Clever Cat. But it was so nice to hear it purring. And I love hens as pets they are such fun to watch and give you eggs but you need the space in the garden which I dont have right now. Ah maybe one day. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.
Hi Meebee
Your post reminded me of when my husband and I were often having day trips to France. I could speak enough French to get by but, like you, had trouble understanding the answers. Tony was the opposite - he understood a lot but had trouble remembering the words to speak it. I remember us laughing about it and saying we’d just have to go everywhere together! No hardship, as you can imagine. Oh, those memories.
Thank you bjane. Those poor little children.what a world we live in!
Meebee, sorry you have been ill. Get well soon.
Oh I hate this site. I wrote to bjane and Meebee, pressed send and ended up on a totally different message and my reply now makes little sense. Hells teeth - what is going on??
To Ann (and all)
OMg I am totally having the same issue and it is losing posts i wrote an especially long and heartfelt message to this lassie on another thread and site lost it. I felt so bad. Also when I was out for my walk I thought of something I should tell you to look out for after what you said about losing faith in God. Well when I felt the same thing I came across Kevin Bridges (a scottish comedian) doing a sketch and saying that God had gone on hol and left us an empty (Glasgow slang for a house where the parents have left the kids alone and they have a party) I never went to one but he tells it really good and I kind of liked the idea at the time because it was the way the world felt after dad died. Also if you need a wee laugh anytime try youtube would I lie to you and see kevin bridges tell his story about buying a horse or one of bob mortimers stories. Well I find them silly but funny even when I have a bad day. Take care all… NIte Nite
Meebee
Ha, I keep losing posts too, what’s going on? Is someone playing tricks on us? A short post as I’m going to bed now, Marley woke me up for his breakfast at 6 o’clock and that’s hits earlier than I get up! Usually because I read until the early hours, will have to stop that now!!Thank you Meebee for those ideas, yes I should be able to produce something for our grandchildren by Christmas, that gives me plenty of time!! Love to all, sleep tight!! xxx
Goodnight bjane, Meebee and all the lovely people on here. I expect we might meet again tomorrowX x
Very likely!! 
Just FYI, in future, if you lose a post, it is very likely that the site will have autosaved this for you - check your drafts as follows:
- Click your profile picture in the top right
- On the drop-down menu, click your username
- Select ‘drafts’
Thanks for that. It hasn’t done so this time. but thanks anyway. I wish it had. It was kind of an important post and was six paragraphs long to lassie on here and I have no idea what I wrote I keep trying to write back and I feel bad as she is so nice and has been through a lot like most of us. Bereavement sometimes is only half the story. I wish I could find the right words again for her.
Dear bjane,
I am just catching up with everyone on this thread and I was fascinated by your stories to italy and the mafia?. I was total caught up. I have always wanted to go to Italy for years. But its not so much fun on your own. Maybe if you feel up to it you can still go for what would have been your 50th but with your daughter and reminisce instead. My mum had a charity night so she wouldn’t be alone and it kept her busy, I have mentioned it a couple of times on here it worked out really well for her. I hope you find your own way to mark it that will make it a little easier to bear. Thinking of you lots.
Meebee
Hello bjane, It’s always good to hear from you too x I’ve been feeling a bit down. Work has been challenging this week - people think I’ve been shielding when I was off with bereavement and burnout. I’ve forgotten a lot of the (endless) NHS IT Systems and the Administrator told me to be confident! I told her I was recovering from a massive trauma losing my Dad to covid. Until you’ve watched someone die from covid, cancer or a devastating injury - you have no idea how it changes you. Then I had to work with a full-on, bossy redeployed know-it-all Nurse - new to our unit - bellowing at me and the patients. Complete nightmare. I like to work in a calm manner, gosh, it was hard work. Felt like I’d been hit by a train by the time I went off-duty. I can so relate to your comment about the Nurse Practitioner. It’s like, if you appear to be “coping”, you must be ok - yet inside, you’re carrying this great sadness and weight of loss and loneliness, with a life that’s utterly changed. You are a changed person by grief and just because you’re not weeping in public, it doesn’t mean that you have no pain. How quickly people forget that someone is bereaved. Luckily, 2 lovely colleagues are holding me up - and see me as a real person in the midst of it all. I think some people are really “dumb” about grief - even health care professionals - and maybe it’s due to no personal life experiences? Who knows…some people can just lack empathy… I understand your longing to have Malcolm back. I feel the same way about my Dad but I know that losing a husband or a child must really be the worst pain. I would love to know how the Nurse Practitioner knows Lock-down won’t be much longer. We had a covid patient in today… Kate bought a few items which she loves and today she got her GSCs and she got great results. So so proud of her. My Dad would be so proud of her too. I wish he was here to join in. She was always the “lovely, clever one” to my Dad. She’s having driving lessons soon and we bought her an old car. My Dad would have been so excited to talk to her about her car! Sounds like you like all the same exhibitions as me! I wanted to go to the Hockney and the Andy Warhol. Love the idea of you dismantling the exhibition! Reminds me of going to the Tate Modern when it first opened and going into a room full of rubbish, an old tressle table, old paint pots and brushes - and Pete said to me, “this room’s not finished” - only to find out later it was part of the exhibition!
Hi bjane…continues, I hit the reply button! … Well, we did laugh! Don’t give up on learning Italian. I’m sure you’ll visit again one day. I have this dream of retiring and living in Venice for a month in a rented apartment - and I’ll just go and see everything - churches, galleries, the islands, live music…sigh… Anyway, keep your chin up. Keep chatting to friends, Cuddle Marly. Lots of Love, Rachel xxx
Hello Meebee, My Dad was an absolute gift in my life. My Mum had severe poor mental health and was sectioned in her 70s - so Dad and I went through some tough and painful times together - but he always looked after me and protected me. I was very lucky to have him in my life. He was a good man, a lovely Dad and a dear friend to me x I was so touched to read about you arranging that special trip for your Mum, to see where her Dad served…what a lovely thing to do for your Mum…and something lovely for you to look back and remember. Sometimes, it was hard for me to manage all the stuff Dad needed, hold down a job, raise 2 children - whilst my sister walked away and left me up to my neck in it - but today, I am glad. One of the last things my Dad said to me was " I don’t know what I would do without you" and now I find, that I feel exactly the same… Look after yourself and it’s always lovely to talk to you. Rachel xxx