Hello. I was just reading a few of the posts and my wife who passed away in August was a retired nurse and two weeks prior to her passing, she attended a & e on two successive nights in real pain. She had to go alone because of Covid and was treated badly by staff. As a retired professional she said on her return that “a dog would have been treated better”. Not going into details but the one night she fell and was left lying on the floor. She was let down by people in the very profession that she was in years ago. I can relate to wanting answers. Nothing will bring her back but knowing how and why she didn’t get proper treatment will enable me to understand. At the moment, 6/7 weeks on, I am still waiting for answers but my own confidence in the system is badly shaken. It does help to take part in this site and talk with others in similar situations. The loneliness and desolation is the worst part for me, especially at night. It is like part of me has gone with her.
Dear @Malc39200, I was thinking of you the other day, as you had said you had d and v, and really missed your wife looking after you - I hope you are better now?
That’s so sad to hear about your wife. Generally speaking, the nurses I dealt with the times my dad was in hospital were brilliant, they really cared about the patients, sadly many of the doctors seemed to care a lot less, but I did come across some really rude nurses too. That’s such an insult to your wife, she dedicated her life to looking after people, only to be let down when she needed looking after. Terrible, and I hope you get the answers you need some day. Take care.
Hi Abdullah,
It’s a very difficult subject criticising the medical profession and I know it brings accusations of being vindictive when things go wrong. The NHS is one of those national treasures that we criticize at our peril. For fear of seeming ungrateful.
However I agree with you about medicine being seen as a career rather than a vocation.
A professional never worked with one eye on the clock but all too often that is now the case. At primary care level the very idea of 10 minute appointments leads to misdiagnosis and office hours are what led to A&E departments routinely being full to bursting pre covid.
What we have now is both the best and worst of health care systems. When my mum broke her leg two years ago her life was saved by the exceptional care of emergency doctors. At 89 on warfarin the blood loss was life threatening but she survived and we were so grateful. However her after care was and continues to be a litany of callous indifference and incompetence. It’s a slap in the face to the doctors who saved her.
The same goes for my father who was saved from dying from pneumonia only to be sent home with heart failure. The fact he survived was miraculous but his aftercare again was truly haphazard and indifferent. The fall which ultimately led to his death was an inevitable consequence of intermittent rather than round the clock healthcare.
In my husbands case the indifference of the system reached a truly mind numbing level of callousness. The hospital where he was pronounced dead after collapsing during an evening out with my son has now fully accepted that he was indeed processed rather than cared for. I cannot go into detail about what happened but safe to say it will haunt me for the rest of my life. It has been a Pyrrhic victory in getting an unreserved apology from the hospital trust and an assurance that they will learn from their failings. The image of my husband stays with me night and day and I cannot forgive. If I felt that all that could have been done was done I might be in a different place almost a year on.
Doctors who could have helped us understand what happened and get the screening recommended for our two sons are still conspicuous by their absence. With earlier intervention, the condition which contributed to my husbands death could have been managed. If guidelines at GP level had been followed it would have been discovered but these guidelines are discretionary not mandatory and therein lies the problem.
In the hands of a vocational medical professional discretion has its place but in those of a career medic it’s disastrous. The same applies to all levels in the NHS. Dedicated nurses are in a different league from those who turn up to do a job.
I realize that this is a very personal view of the NHS and may possibly anger some people who are very grateful for the brilliant care their loved ones have received. I have been unlucky to have been left with such a jaundiced view of our much celebrated health service but it is what it is. To some people on this forum this will seem like a rant , to others it will unfortunately resonate only too well.
Your father deserved better when he was so vulnerable and I completely understand how this adds to your distress. As with grief, until someone witnesses such lack of compassion the effect is impossible to understand.
Take care
Dear Malc39200,
I fully understand that feeling of loneliness and desolation in the middle of the night. I am so sorry that your wife was treated so uncaringly in hospital. As a nurse herself she would have known how unacceptable her treatment was. No amount of funding will instil empathy and compassion. I genuinely believe that the excuses we are given for poor care are not down to resources but attitude. Someone either cares or they don’t and someone who doesn’t will always seek to justify their shortcomings.
It’s like seeking answers. I too have been told it won’t bring my husband back as if I weren’t only too painfully aware of that fact. However by asking questions we discovered implications for our two sons which would otherwise have been missed. That I really do find inexcusable. The defensiveness of medical professionals is increasingly coming under scrutiny from within its own ranks which can only be a good thing. When we lose the most precious part of our life it’s natural to question why. Putting obstacles in the way only delays the very long healing process of grief and greatly adds to our distress. Mistakes are made and can be forgiven but not admitting to mistakes and thereby losing an opportunity to learn from them is not forgiveable at all.
I hope you find some answers eventually that will ease your mind. Take care
It should be possible to both be grateful to the NHS for a lot of the great work they do, and be criticial of it for its failures. I am sorry, but I can’t “love the NHS” after what I have seen, and I don’t care what people think about that. They might accuse you of being vindictive, but they didn’t lose their husband, they don’t sit there miserable, in pain, they haven’t had countless days of untold suffering, maybe if they did, they too would feel like you do.
The lack of kindness that I have seen is at every level. My GP surgery has a system where you have to phone to book an appointment. Last year I was sitting in the waiting room at about 9ish. The surgery was very quiet, the receptionists were busy taking calls as people were phoning in to book their appointments, when this Eastern European woman in her 50s or so walked in. She seemed to be Romanian, and was walking with a walking stick. She went to the receptionist and said in her very basic English that she would like an appointment. The receptionist said she has to phone, this woman was a bit confused, she spoke basic English, and said again she needs an appointment, and the receptionist started saying in a raised voice that you have to phone, that it isn’t fair on others, and she can’t give her an appointment. Incredible. I mean, sure, that’s the rule, but now that this woman is here, just give her an appointment. She struggles with English, she looks very poor from the way she is dressed, she has mobility problems, she’s made the effort to come to the surgery in the morning despite her mobility problems, just be kind and give her an appointment and tell her that the next time she will have to phone. Show some kindness. So this poor woman started to leave, so I told her that it’s ok, I’ll phone and book the appointment for her. She was very shy and embarassed, she sat next to me, and we had the ridiculous situation where I was phoning the receptionst who sat a few metres away from us to book this woman an appointment. As the receptionist was on the phone, she didn’t answer, and this woman said in her basic English that she will do this another time, she was very thanklful and she was looking really embarassed, after all, she had been humuliated by the receptionst, there was absolutely no need for her to be treated that way, how someone could be so unkind is quite incomprehensible.
Hi, Wishing you the very best of luck during this time of grief, hope all goes well with the coming days, months, years ahead, in time, you’ll find, that those who you have lost, we be with you forver more, because when the physcial, entity is no longer there, you still have those invaluable memories, which will comfort you in the darkest moments. And when you have those dark moments, allow the emotion to pass, for it is fleeting, be the continuation of their breath, for they will continue to live on.
Sadly Abdullah I have also witnessed such intransigence. It ends up costing the NHS more money than it saves and in some cases lives are lost. I think we should reward and celebrate those who work tirelessly to save others. By the same token those who shirk the responsibility for which they are paid and indeed have chosen to take on should not be allowed to undermine a much envied health care system. Clapping on my doorstep was not for me. I think a root and branch reorganisation, particularly of primary care services would be more appropriate. Our hospitals would never have been in danger of being overwhelmed if care in each community existed.
Our NHS is awash with money but how it’s allocated leaves a lot to be desired.
Jobar, Malc and Abdullah, I feel your pain , so much grief and anger and nowhere to go with it. My concerns about Malc’s missing appointment which could have contributed to his stroke are nothing like what you have gone through. And I can’t really blame it on the NHS, as Covid had caused a backlog. I really understand your bitterness but would just like to say I was lucky with the staff who were caring for Malcolm in hospital, incl nurses and doctors.they were all wonderful and went the extra mile. I couldn’t praise them enough! However I still haven’t got over what happened to my mother many years ago and the unbelievable insensitivity of the consultant . She had gone in for a hip replacement, and was thoroughly checked over, but had a massive stroke while under the anaesthetic and never regained consciousness. The surgeon rang my Dad to tell him the operation had been a success! This was forty years ago and I
still feel hurt and angry , so I’m sorry to say that I don’t think those feelings will ever go, It’s just awful but we have to live with the fallout and cope somehow xx
Oh bjane, I was reading about Malcolm’s INR result and him being on the sofa. Please be reassured that you couldn’t anticipate what was about to happen. Patients are monitored continually in hospital and they do deteriorate. My friend, an exemplary nurse, was looking after a patient and, instinctively, she knew that something wasn’t quite right. She called the Consultant who assessed the patient, The patient was closely monitored and observations recorded, which were consistently normal, and the patient suddenly collapsed from a PE and sadly died. There was nothing to document that he was in decline, everything was normal, and yet he died. Please be reassured that these situations do happen, even in hospitals. You, being there with Malcolm, as he became ill and as he died - would be all he ever wanted, to be close to you and his children. My sweet, there is nothing to feel responsible for. You did so well being there for him at the end x I moved into the Care Home for the last week of my Dad’s life. I nursed him, in full ppe, and I held him as he died. The carers had 14 residents who they loved, who died from covid, in that time. I feel responsible for my Dad and how he died and my only comfort is that I was with him, singing to him and praying for him. He was a good man, his work was done and Jesus took him home. I’m sad. I miss him but I rejoice x We did good work, you and I, caring for our loved ones and being brave enough to stay with them until their last breath. Well done us… I’ve read a lot of the messages here where people are very angry with the NHS, Doctors and Nurses. It makes me feel down, as I work in an exceptional Team and we are exposed to covid every day. We can’t work from home. We are also real people, with our own pains, despairs,illnesses, bereavements and fear of exposure to covid and dying ourselves. One of my colleagues died from covid. I am realistic and I know that some Health Care Professionals are utter crap and cold - but we’re real and we’re struggling. I’m sorry to everyone here, who had an awful experience and that they and their relatives suffered and died. It’s very, very painful. Makes me sad and demoralised. I wish more people could work a 10 hour shift in my shoes and maybe come in on Christmas Day and do it - and leave their loved ones at home… I am sorry to moan on. Your messages always bring me joy and the encouragement to face another day. You were blessed to have Malcolm - but he was so very blessed to have you in his life. Lots of Love, Rachel xxx
Hi Al, thank you for your message. It takes me so long to reply now as I have to fight to get on the computer - Kate doing A levels! The 2 weeks off was lovely. I just rested and slept a lot. It was physically and emotionally draining returning to nursing and some days, I feel very fragile, reminders of my Dad, trying to cope, trying to be all things to all people - who don’t seem to recognise you as being a real human being yourself! … The rock is just beautiful. I would love to be standing on that beach again, gazing at the sea and sky - and trying how to work out how to get to Barra again! We now have another GP called Samuel. Faith named him after her Grandad (My Dad x). He’d be so chuffed. He loved GPs. Spent most of my childhood building the most fabulous cages (bjane, I hope you’re reading this - just like Malcolm!) … Back to work, tough, lots of covid, will see flu soon, not enough Drs, Nurses or Therapists, no beds… skin of your teeth. Colleagues bereaved, or have sick relatives in hosp but unable to see them, sick themselves, awaiting NHS treatment for their own illnesses - just like everyone else in the UK. Tough times for all really…Get your flu jab booked, Al, asap! Raining a lot here but sunny when I went to put roses on Dad’s grave x How are you? How are things? Are you locked down as horribly as they describe on the News? Keep your chin up. Love from Rachel x
Hello Meebee x Sorry to hear you’ve been poorly. Hope the pain is under control now. Chronic illness is so hard and draining. Well done, applying for jobs, that’s so good. I really hope you get an interview x Thinking of you. Wishing you well. Big hug. Love from Rachel x
Oh, Al, just reading your message, so glad the headstone was installed. An emotional day for you but a beautiful day too. Big hug x
RCB , I’m not sure why you are demoralised by the criticism of certain members of staff within the NHS. I made it clear that those dedicated staff should not be seen in the same light as those who fail to do the job they have chosen and are paid to do. I have always said thank you to doctors and nurses who have gone above and beyond their duty as carers.
Unfortunately given the suddenness of my husbands death I was not able to be with him when he died and that will forever be a regret. Sadly he had no-one to hold his hand and died alone and uncared for. I know that because of the state he was left in when we saw him. There could be no excuse for the failings of that night. The doctor I spoke to was not exhausted - just indifferent. There was a systemic failure from start to finish. I have little sympathy for the staff I encountered that night as they didn’t show their human side. I believe anyone who walked in my shoes that evening would feel as I do. Not bitter but heartbroken.
People shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for criticising the systematic failures they experienced in the NHS. Every single person here that has spoken of the failures has also praised the majority of staff who do a wonderful job. As you say, you’re not bitter, you’re just destroyed at what happened and the way it happened. You have every right to feel this way.
Of course people shouldn’t feel
guilty and have every right to feel
the way they do, especially after the trauma they have endured. There are many angels in the nhs, each going through hell as corona cases are filling hospitals again and people are dying despite their best efforts. It’s exhausting and nhs workers on this site are also experiencing their own heartbreaking grief so will surely be extra sensitive to perceived criticism of the profession they love, although of course it isn’t directed at them. Love to all xxx
Today seemed a half decent day until I tried to sleep. Then things just ran through my mind about Rose’s last few days and it has all come flooding back. Now at half past midnight I am in floods of tears and realise that I will not be able to embrace her, see her or have a conversation with her again. This is the seventh week without her. Next week would have been her 66th birthday. Our daughter and son in law might be able to see me, covid permitting, but sister and brother in law are in lockdown. But the one person who should be there, will be absent. Things still seem unreal and messed up at the moment. Luckily, Rose was loved here where we live, there are many friends who say Hi and care. I jyst miss her so much.
Malc, it is very early days for you and I’m so sorry you are suffering this way. I want to tell you it gets better but I’m afraid I can’t . A ll I can say is it changes, everyone said that to me and I realise it’s true. Life without your Rose will never be the same and I know I’ll
never get over losing Malc but after nearly six months I’ve finally accepted what’s happened and am learning to live with it. It’s a long hard road and there are still
tears every day, , everything a million times worse because of isolation from friends and family caused by Covid. But we do get through it and you will get so much love and support from fellow sufferers on this site. Everyone understands and it helps to
come on here and pour your heart out at all hours of the day and night so you will
never be alone. Sending love x
Thank you, bjane, lots of love, Rachel x Look after yourself x
Thank you for those kind words bjane
Wish we could all take each other’s pain away. Hope you’re coping today Malc. Sending love x