Hi Meebee, I didn’t recognise you with your new doggie face (nice!). It’s good to see you back again although I know you’re situation has not yet improved very much. I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well at the moment. You know that we are all wishing you well even if we cannot help you directly, but we would if we could. I hope your job applications work out for you.
Take care, love from AL x
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Hi Rachel, I hope you enjoyed your two weeks off. It’s amazing how the time flies when you’re enjoying yourself.
I’m amazed you still have the rock from Ledaig 30 years on! You will have to go back one day and get a partner for it.
I thought the name of your guinea pig was cute. I’ve had dogs, cats, hamsters and goldfish in the past but never a guinea pig.
You will not be looking forward to going back to work with the increase of Covid but maybe it’s not too bad in your area (hopefully).
The sun was shining where I am but at the moment it’s horribly wet.
Love from AL x
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Hi bjane, I have been reading some of your recent posts and I am glad to see you are coping reasonably well, at least on the surface, but we all know that’s not the whole truth. I’ve noticed a number of people posting that the last week has been unusually hard and I also feel the same right now. It seems that the longer it goes on the worse it gets.
Anyway, on a lighter note, I was disappointed you didn’t get to taste the whisky with your porridge. I like whisky and I like porridge (always make my own with oatmeal) but I have never tried the two together, and don’t intend to! It must have been an expensive hotel to have whisky at the breakfast buffet. I bet they had oatcakes and shortbread as well.
Always enjoy reading your posts. You come across as a very caring person, and Rachel and Meebee also.
Take care, love from AL x
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Good morning Al! Yes I think we can all appear to be coping reasonably well but as you so rightly say a lot of that is on the surface and definitely not the whole truth , but we try to get on with things don’t we. Yes it is noticeable that many people on here have mentioned not feeling so good lately, is it full moon, or something strange in the air, or Covid 19 or Winter approaching? Or is it just that this is how grief manifests itself as times goes on ? Sadly we don’t have a blueprint.
Enough of this, back to the whisky and porridge! I was definitely looking forward to giving it a go, just for the hell of it, not being a whisky drinker! I don’t remember much about what other delicacies they offered, I only remember a very early morning fire alarm. I was out of the door and suddenly realised that Malcolm wasn’t coming, he was trying to get fully dressed . In the end he compromised by carrying his shoes ! We didn’t know about his Aspergers then!! So we all stood shivering outside, some people wrapped in towels, only to discover it had just been a test. Could have done with that whisky when we got back in!
You say we three come across as caring people, well so do you and it’s lovely that as a man you are able to talk about your emotions and admit to grief and tears, a very rare quality , at least in my experience.
We are so lucky, there’s so much support and care shown , we all keep each other afloat, just about! Take care and have a lovely weekend x
Good afternoon bjane, I have just read your post on Songs and didn’t want to go off-piste with a reply. I love your lager analogy about music reaching places… and your comments about radio 4. I thought it was just me because I had seldom listened to it before. That’s what’s good about this site… it makes you feel quite normal.
On Friday I visited the cemetery (hour and a half drive each way) to see the headstone which had just been installed after a three month delay. Everything was fine but an extra emotional day. It was a beautiful day on Friday but it hasn’t stopped raining since. I assume it’s the same with you.
Take care, Al x
It’s raining in our hearts, Al. I’m glad you visited the headstone and all was in order, it must have been so hard to tear yourself away. Re lager and music and radio 4 I think we both see eye to eye and it certainly is good to know we’re normal! ish!
I’ve just been looking back through my diary and was reading Malc’s latest inr
warfarin reading, the penultimate was too high then a week later too low. Another appointment was made nearly four weeks later because of covid and in the meantime he had a stroke caused by a blood clot. Our nephew is a doctor and he said a low reading wouldn’t cause that but I’ve just googled it and low means too thick and much more likely to clot.I feel we’ve let him down . Will look into it further tomorrow, it’s such an upsetting thought. Thank you for listening x
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Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Your guilt is on overload and you will naturally think that anything like this is your fault and you could have stopped it. But it was not anyone’s fault and I’m quite sure your nephew is correct. If you look into it further, is it going to change anything? No, you will just upset yourself more than necessary.
Apologies for being hard on you but Dr Google is bad news. Variations in INR readings within the timescale you mention are very unlikely to be fatal.
Rest assured you have not let your Malcolm down.
Al x
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Thank you for caring and for a bit of much needed common sense. You’re right of course x
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Hi bjane
You’re not alone in going over and over what might have been. When someone dies suddenly nothing makes sense and I think it’s normal to search desperately for a reason. It’s almost a year since my husband died without warning and there hasn’t been a single day when I haven’t questioned what might have contributed to his death and how it might have been avoided. Not just by the GP but by me too. I have analysed in minute detail any signs I might have missed. I cannot imagine ever getting to the point when I will stop. Both my sons reassure me that I missed nothing but I continue to question. Given the chance, I would have gone to the ends of the earth to save my husband - I know all of us on this forum feel that for our loved ones. Not realising he could die so suddenly and not being with him will haunt me forever.
I know it’s a vain attempt to rewrite history and utterly illogical. The sad thing is that with a bit of time and patience shown to grieving relatives much of this could be avoided. Grief is the worst emotion any of us will suffer but add guilt and it really is unbearable.
I hope you are having a better day. X
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Thank you Jobar, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you say nothing makes sense when the person you love dies so suddenly and unexpectedly. Nothing makes sense and that’s why we keep on going over it in minute detail over and over again. The guilt is terrible , I beat myself up
for going upstairs and sorting things in the bedroom while Malcolm was asleep on the sofa. What if I’d come down sooner , could I have helped him? Like you I would have done anything to save him and I wasn’t there when he had his stroke, I can’t help going over it all and wondering if we’d missed something or if he’d had his appointment on time , would it all have been different. Al’s right, there’s nothing to be gained from thinking this way and I’m trying not to, but it’s all going round in my head and I can’t seem to stop it. Malcolm was much more able to let things go but I’ve always been someone who can’t rest until I’ve got to the bottom of things, so that doesn’t help! Thank you for the reassurance, I hope we find some peace.xxxx
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I totally hear both of you it’s the unanswered questions, I torture myself every day with if I had just gone out for that walk with him, did I tell him I love him, was he scared being alone, was he in pain does he blame me. It’s a horrific feeling, the guilt I feel is immense and I dont think I will ever not think what if
I hope you both feel some peace today xx
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Hi Honeybee,
Oh how I long for that elusive peace of mind. I know from your posts that you too lost your partner so suddenly and I can only empathize with the distress it leaves behind. It’s totally indescribable to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. The problem with sudden death is that it robs us of not just of our future but also our past in one fell swoop. It also makes the present intolerable. What was everything for to end in such an unimaginable way. Everything planned and worked towards gone in an instant. Having spent 37 years with my husband how could I just say - well, these things happen. That was said to me by people who should have known better. No plan, no goodbye just gone. How do we not ask questions? it was made so much more difficult (is that possible?!)by those who could have helped with some answers being defensive and dismissive.
It may be counter productive to ask questions and go over what if etc but I think it’s the most normal reaction.
I know you also have unanswered questions and I feel for you. One day we may find peace. I do hope so. Take care x
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Honey bee and Jobar, I could have written both those posts. We should have been there with them and we weren’t and nothing can ever change that . So that regret and guilt will never leave us no matter how we try , it’s just something we’re going to have to live with, don’t know how but I suppose we will. After all, we’re still here and functioning , after a fashion. Sending love and hugs xx
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@bjane, @Jobar, @Honeybee31, I completely agree with what you have all said. On the day my wife died I was preparing lunch for us while she was upstairs on the phone to a friend. I then went upstairs to tell her lunch was ready and found her on the floor on her side of the bed with the phone beside her. She was semi-conscious.
After calling an ambulance I called her friend who said she knew she was having a stroke because her speech suddenly slurred. She wanted to alert me but couldn’t because the phone was still engaged and she didn’t have my mobile number.
My wife must have been lying on the bedroom floor for about 15 minutes before I found her. I keep asking myself why didn’t I go upstairs 15 minutes earlier. This is one of the reasons why I harbour some guilt, even though it would not have made any difference to the end result.
Guilt is a seed which is nourished by grief and grows out of proportion.
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Hi Bjane,
You are absolutely right. We have no option but to learn to live with it. I think what tortures me has been the apparent lack of curiosity about why my husband died the way he died. I can’t imagine why anyone studies medicine and when it comes to the absolute crunch just shrugs their shoulders and says that’s life. No questions asked, no lessons learned. Both at a&e and GP level total disinterest. It has made grieving indescribably painful.
For your part, going upstairs while Malcolm slept on the sofa is a normal part of everyday life. You couldn’t possibly have foreseen what was to happen. How many times were we all apart for minutes never once anticipating it would be the last time?
I do hope you can get some peace of mind eventually. Xx
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Hi Al,
My reply to Bjane equally applies to you in that you have nothing to feel guilty about being downstairs while your wife was upstairs. You were kindly preparing lunch, she had space to talk with her friend. The most normal thing in the world. It’s what all couples do.
Even in hospital a person doesn’t always survive a stroke so you have nothing to feel guilty about. The sad thing is it happened in the first place and I am so sorry that it did. X
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Thank you Jobar, I know we shouldn’t beat ourselves up and it’s true that we shouldn’t feel guilty. But we’ve all been through a very traumatic time as well as a terrible loss and can’t help replaying it over and over again . Hopefully the guilt will one day fade and we can be kind to ourselves xxx
Hi guys, thank you for your kind comments and it’s good to know I’m not the only to feel the guilt and I know how irrational it sounds but the what ifs are torture, I keep trying to remember if I told Andy that morning how much I loved him and if I didn’t I hope he knew, I’m sure he did, does anyone write to their loved ones, I have a notebook I jot thing down in, things I wanted him to know, things that happened like when I went down to the beach to celebrate his 50th Birthday, I have even written him some poetry. I didn’t even know I could do that but there you go and I read some back and it gives me some comfort, I hope we are all getting through the day with a little less pain than yesterday xx
Honeybee, I don’t write to Malcolm but I talk
to him all the time which is the same sort of thing isn’t it? I think we just don’t want to leg go and lose that contact. I did buy him a card for our wedding anniversary though and wrote to him in there , same as you, wanting him to know how much I love him. I kep a flower on his desk too, just I case he should visit, it’s a white rose at the moment. Sending love xxx
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It must be so difficult for you, @Jobar, grief is horrible, and we never get over it, but if we get answers, we can get some sort of closure, and you haven’t got the answers you need to give you this.
When I was a child I used to think that people become doctors because they want to save lives, but the truth is that a lot of doctors are doing the job simply because it is a career that is respected and pays well. The ones that are more curious, who want answers, will usually go into research, the ones that want a career, will end up treating the public. I know two people who studied medicine at uni, one is a GP, the other is going to work in a hospital once he completes his training, neither did it out of motivation to save lives, they did it because it is a career. That isn’t to say the two are necessarily mutually exclusive, it is possible to both be a doctor because you wanted it as a career and because you really care about helping people, sadly, this isn’t as common as I thought it was, it’s only when you or your loved one are accessing the services do you realise just how many uncaring medical professionals there are, as you sadly discovered to your detriment.
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