Looking down don't help

I don’t want to offend anyone but being told she looking down at me does not bring me comfort. Am I the only one or do others find this?
I keep being told she’s looking at her flowers that she never saw bloom or the front of the house painted that was 2 weeks too late.
I don’t want to sound horrible but when told she’s watching me upsets me more because I can’t see or hear her reaction.
Either way please tell me your thoughts as I’m finding these type of comments more and more painful.

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I totally agree with you , I also find that so upsetting, that’s the last thing we want to hear, we don’t want them looking down on us , we want them here. You’re not being horrible, you’re saying how you feel and I think a lot of us feel the same, some people might find comfort in it but not me.
Thinking of you

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Jay you are not alone and I agree with Steph that you are not being horrible when you dislike people saying Allison can see you. I do believe it’s said with the best of intentions but like you it just makes me feel worse.
The anxiety I feel all the time without my husband here is only increased by seeing things he can’t.
Perhaps gently saying it doesn’t make you feel better is how to deal with it. It doesn’t stop others believing what makes them feel better but it’s not wrong to reject what doesn’t help you. Look after yourself.

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I agree with all the comments - especially Steph, well said, I don’t want her looking down at me, I just want her here

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Hi. There can be times when well meaning people try and give comfort by such remarks. What they say may be true, but to anyone in such distress it can be irritating especially to someone who has no feeling about the spiritual aspects of grief.
Can you take it that so many people will try and console us with such platitudes, and they may mean well but are misguided? It’s far better if they say nothing. It is hurting you because you can see no way anything is happening. I doubt very much that those who say such things really believe them anyway, but try to give consolation. I have read most of your posts and you seem to be finding it so hard. We all do, but some so much more than others.
I’m 18 months in and still am sad and upset at times when memory strikes. I can’t offer any advice except to take it from whence it comes. Those who have very little understanding.
Take care John.

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Hi Jay
I completely agree with you and hate it when people tell me my mum is always round me, looking down at me, watching everything I do etc etc
I sincerely hope she isnt! Because she will be seeing what she is missing out on and will be missing us even more. As blunt as it sounds I hope they have no knowledge of anything after death because it upsets me more too.
Cheryl

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Hi Jay. I am like you. I hate pllatitudes and that is all they are. My friend is a great believer but I am not because I am a realist. The things that people say cannot be proved byanyone and sometimes the ycontradict themselves. Some people do go on to find happiness eventually with someone else. Surely it would be extremely upsetting if your desceaded partner could not contact you but could see that. I truly wish I had more faith but the arguments in my head do not agree. People want to console you but do not think of the consequences of their words. I just want them to be around when I need them and that is enough.

Thank you all. I believe she is with God although why he took her so young I can’t get my head around. I just want her back. I no longer have a life I just exist. If it wasn’t so wrong and I never had her mum to look after I would gladly end it.

Jay I think people say things to be kind to give us some comfort like everyone on here we only want them back. I’m not a religious person don’t know if I believe in god. What I do feel is Micks presence quite a lot. Hope work and your cat is giving you some distraction

Dear Jay
Firstly can I just say how sorry I am that you, and so many, many others, are finding life without your loved one so difficult and painful. Each one of us has to learn to carry our grief in a way that makes sense to us and often people say things which cause upset; again, some people don’t say anything at all and that can upset us because we think they don’t care when perhaps they just don’t know what to say! Like you, I don’t think our loved ones look down on us…I think this idea may have its inception in an old Innuit myth that the stars were really holes separating heaven and earth and letting ancestors see them!
No one KNOWS what happens when human beings die; we in the West seldom talk about death…rather, we avoid it at all costs until it happens to us and we have no resources to help us cope. We live in an “anything can be fixed” society only to discover that some things can never be mended and we have to work out a way of putting our unique broken pieces back together again in some kind of workable fashion. For some, their faith provides the framework; for others the hope lies in counselling, meditation etc. ; sites like this are wonderful in offering support and reassurance… but it takes a long time and lots of stumbles to manoevre the grief-burden into a comfortable carrying position and it is during this process that we realise that the one(s) we have lost ARE still with us…our love for them never dies and their memory is etched into our heart and mind: we are what we are because we were loved by them.
On a personal note, of course we want them back…but perhaps that would not be right for them…who knows if they might not suffer even more in an uncertain future…that our gain would cause them pain and distress? None of us will ever know. I hope that you will, in time, find comfort in looking after Allison’s mum for her and that the two of you will learn to remember her with joy not tears;
Take care…never give up…there is a light in the darkness for each of us x

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Oh AG, that is a truly wonderful post. Thank you. Actually I quite like the idea of the stars being holes. I often imagine David watching me doing things like walking the dogs, mowing the lawn, baking a cake etc. ‘A comfortable carrying position’ is a great way of describing our future grief journey. It does take a long time and even after 3 years I still stumble but I think I am comfortable carrying David with me, in my heart. He still makes me smile. He will always make me smile :blush:. Thank you AG. Much love. xx

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I like to know my Allison is with me but nothing can replace her. I’m so lost, lonely. I’ve had all good suck out of me. 2 days to handle being told she has cancer and then gone. Just can’t cope
I miss my girl so much just so heartbroken

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I think Jay only having days to accept they had cancer and only days to live is very hard I’m in the same boat told on a Thursday night and passed on Saturday night we can’t get our heads around this x

You will understand how it feels. Many have had time to make adjustments the best they can. Going from what we thought was an infection to a week later 4+ cancers and gone 2 days later has finished me. The doctor’s said she must of had this for at least 4 years but they diagnosed it as menapause.

I spend all day every day in tears. Just can’t get passed it. It hurts so much

Thanks AG. What a lovely thoughtful post. It is still difficult and painful for me 19 months on. People say ‘you should be feeling better by now’!! Well, in some ways I am, but deep down I doubt the real pain ever stops. You are so right. We can create a new norm which can never be the same as the one before. While I agree that most people shy away from death and even discussing it, there is some reason to believe it reminds them of their own mortality. When we are young death is hardly thought about let alone given any attention. As we get older we inevitability become aware of the fact that all things cease to be in their present form, and especially if we suffer loss.
I do believe in some form of after life based on the fact that the law of physics says that energy cannot be destroyed, it simply takes another form. Our loved ones had energy, although at the end this may not have seemed so. I am not talking about physical energy. This belief is based on personal experience, and because my wife was psychic I have no reason to doubt. I am not religious either because I believe most religions simply are there to establish a power base. Ritual to me is meaningless. What I am talking about is Spiritual, which has little to do with religion. It’s not a belief one can learn or become aware of without the experience of actually seeing it in action.
The Priest and the Atheist have a lot in common. They are both adamant about their beliefs and have closed their minds to anything outside those beliefs. If we say ‘I have no belief in a God’ then we have closed our minds. An open mind can receive.
A closed mind is incapable of change.
When we see the miracle, and it is one, of a caterpillar turning into a beautiful butterfly we take it as normal. It’s nature, we say. If we watch that transformation why can’t we accept that bigger and more meaningful transitions can take place. An old Quaker lady who was a retired doctor once said to me, ‘Why do we make so much effort to keep people alive when death would be so much better for them’. You are very wise in saying that bringing someone back may not be right for them, even if we could. Do we honestly consider the feelings of our loved ones when so tied up with our own emotions? My belief is that unconditional love can never be lost, tampered with or changed in any way and it goes on way beyond the grave.
When Christ said ‘Love one another as I have loved you,’ He was not talking about the love that most humans know. It was universal love, for all mankind. A deep feeling of compassion, understanding and empathy. Yes, there is light in the darkness of this pain. It has got brighter for me as it will for many others. But it won’t just come to us, we have to seek it out.
Thanks AG. I always love reading your posts. Blessings and love. John.

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AG your words made me cry, you have very wise words. It’s so hard to explain that as we deal with our loss there can be a realisation as we struggle our loved ones are indeed part of our beings, it gives us strength . It’s how I deal with every day. It’s so refreshing to read words that have real meaning.
Thank you :blue_heart:

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So refreshing is exactly what this conversation is.
Sally thank you for making some things so much clearer and Jonathan, you have really made me sit up and think.
Firstly I never gave anything spiritual a thought and as far as I know neither did Brian except to tell me shortly before he died that he would always be looking after me. For the first year after his death he visited me many times in different forms and I found it comforting and reassuring. Now it’s the odd communication and I always thank him for thinking about me. I do not doubt now, I know for sure.
‘Why do we make so much effort to keep people alive when death would be so much better for them.’
These very thoughts have been on my mind so often. I watched Brian suffer and fight on through the months, weeks, days and minutes and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I gave my all to keep him alive, but for who, was it for him, or was it for myself. I was prepared to care for him 24/7 no matter how ill he became. Was I being selfish though. In the end I wanted his pain to end, he needed to find peace. We can do this for our animals but not for the people we love.
I was told by a spiritualist neighbour that he would go to a place full of beauty and love and would be cared for until he was well again. When he appeared to me he always looked so well, healthy and fit once more, this gave me great comfort.
Yes John I agree the light does start to appear and we do have to seek it out ourselves. Recently bereaved will not know how this can be done but I would say, just give it time, grieve and wait and that light will show itself little by little and when it does grab it and hold on.
Thankyou
Pat xxxx

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Just finished typing last message and two photographs of Brian on a coffee table have fallen off. No reason why they should suddenly jump off the table. Do you think he’s telling me something. Made me jump though. At least I know he’s making his presence known. Bless him.

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Hi. Pat. Now that is a good example of psychic energy. How else could they make themselves known? I have said before that my wife was very psychic and she showed me some insights I could never have had by myself. I am not in the least psychic although I do sense something bad in some buildings or old houses, and often something good.
People have visions of loved ones or in dreams.
It’s not ‘all in the mind’ as some would have it, but in some strange way a window opens and closes and they get glimpse of beyond. It is said and it’s true, that we only use about one fifth of our brain, so what lies in the other four fifths?
There is so much we don’t know and most people fasten on to that fact. But there is also lot we do know and exploring with an open mind can do no harm. Thanks Pat. John.

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O yes John, I have had some weird experiences but I am beginning to think Brian is trying to give me a heart attack.
Photo’s falling off table made me jump and Bugsy bark. One of Brian’s paintings fell of the Bedroom wall in middle of the night. Nail still there. I jumped out of bed in a state of shock. His favourite radio in the kitchen has come on after I have gone to bed, when originally switched off, not once but twice this happened. Kitchen last room I go into, to lock all doors, so definitely off then. I pulled the plug out of the wall in the end. Worrying hearing voices downstairs in the middle of the night. His laptop which I now use has had some weird moments along with the TV as well as his lawn mower that hasn’t started from the day he died and he hated his things being used by anyone but himself. Just as long as he doesn’t throw something at me. I like to think he’s just having a bit of fun.
Pat

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