My mum passed just 2 weeks ago Dec 17th 2019. My mum had diabetes and in these last few years she had kidney failure and as a result was on dialysis 3x sometimes more a week. A few family members including myself got tested for a kidney match but sadly none of us matched mum. Her health took a turn for the worse In the past few months, she had her toe amputated then to below her knee then a 3rd amputation to above the knee, from the amputation my mums health only got worse, her blood vessels had collapsed in her stump and we were told that it was 50/50 that it could go either way, she was meant to come home on Monday but died the next day. I could ramble on for days with all mums health issues but I’m really here for help, I blocked my mums death out and just didn’t accept it, however Christmas was horrific without her, but now a new year has started without her here i am starting to crumble. Please can anyone help me that’s dealt with the sad loss of a parent or advise me what I can do to help myself? I have a young daughter and even getting out of bed is becoming a dreaded task facing another day without my mum. 
Hi P17,
I’m sorry for your loss. It all sounds very traumatic.
I lost my Mum 12 weeks ago suddenly from pneumonia and a massive heart attack. The hospital were neglectful too. The hospital had also suggested that my Mum would be released from hospital the following day. However, i though that very unlikely, as she was poorly.
My only advice is take in hour by hour during the worse moments, otherwise it’s the only way you can - day by day. It is a slow and difficult process and I don’t believe there is a simple route through grief. It’s very early days for you and you are probably in shock. Shock helps protect the body from the impact of it all.
This site has been a blessing and the people on here have been truly lovely and comforting.
Keep posting and I hope that you find an outlet for your trauma, pain and grief.
Hi P17, I’m very saddened to hear about the loss of your mum in such horrible circumstances. What you can do to help yourself? Well you taken a good step by joining up here. One of the best things you can do is talk about your loss and your feelings with people who really listen and care. Those people can be found here. I know all too well how traumatic losing a parent can be. I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of August while she was having a lovely time with my family. I’ve found being on this site a great comfort knowing that I’m not the only one going through this.
Other things I remember helping me soon after the loss of my mum include taking up offers of support from friends. I took up several offers from a couple of good friends for a walk in the countryside where I could get some exercise, fresh air and most importantly get it all off my chest with someone who would listen without judging me. I hated recalling the details of my mum’s death but I think it helped me to talk about it and reduce the massive guilt I was suffering.
As Daffy says, mainly what you can do right now is take each hour as it comes and don’t expect too much of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Your emotions will change over the coming weeks and just remember, whatever you are feeling right now is normal no matter how horrible it is. I’m sorry you are having to go through this.
Shaun
Hi P17,
Not much advice to give unfortunately. I’m just a regular poster who speaks regularly with shaun and daffy.
My mum died suddenly on the 14th june of a brain hemorrhage which occurred 15 minutes after arrival into the recovery room after a routine op. No blame was attributed to the hospital.
It’s a tough road. I’ve struggled terribly but the last month with the run up to xmas, xmas itself and then, probably worst of all new years eve, have taken its toll.
I am thinking of you x
Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to me.
I’m very sorry for your loss but I take great comfort in knowing I’m not alone and the emotions i feel are normal. I’m just having a hard time believing it as the same as yourself probably because we were expecting our loved one to be coming home and to then have them whipped away from us is gut wrenching. I totally believe my mum is around me in spirit. New Years is the hardest for me too I am thinking of u at this hard time 
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I am so sorry for your loss. Did you have a hard time accepting it as your lovley mum was taken suddenly And unexpected? My thoughts are with you x
Thank you for your kind words. That’s a very interesting and good question. I did have a hard time accepting it and I’m still having a hard time. I’ve never been in denial about what’s happened although there have been many times especially early on when I found myself forgetting the reality and almost imagining that she was still around. This always ended with me remembering and each time that happened especially when waking up in the morning it was the most awful feeling you could imagine. I’ve always embraced the emotions I felt and didn’t hold anything in and I think that has helped me deal with the grief. I think acceptance for me will take a long time and for me will be when I am at peace with this life changing event and at peace with not having mum available anymore. I’m not there yet and still have feelings of disbelief which can erupt with no warning at all.
After 2 weeks I felt like she could walk in the door at any moment as it was so soon so I’m not surprised that you have been struggling with acceptance. I’ve found that feeling has subsided a little now as it’s now been 18 weeks for me.
I have a 6 year old daughter who knows exactly what’s happened and still talks regularly about her grandma. I am amazed how well she has coped, I guess because she is very young. She makes me happy and gives me a huge amount of purpose in life.
How are you feeling today? I think I can guess. X
It’s mornings I really struggling that horrible realisation every morning that my mum is no longer a phone call away. I think I was in complete denial as with my mums passing being so close to christmas we had a lot of planning to do so quickly then my neices birthday was 22nd and my dads chirrtmas eve then xmas itself so I had lots to help block out the emotions. But now that xmas has passed and new year I a man starting to crumble. Like yourself I have a young daughter who gives me a reason to get out of my bed every morning and try to have a normal life as my mum would have wanted. I am struggling with jealousy aswell (quite embarrassed to admit that) but I a man getting jealous of people my age still have grandparents yet I have lost my wonderful young mum. I remind myself to be grateful that I had her by my side for 26 years as some people don’t get that, we lost my sister in law in June very suddenly after she gave birth 2 weeks before I have lost 3 people in 2019 and i never dealt with death very well so it will be a long hard learning process. But I find great comfort in your words knowing you feel my pain. Thankyou for making what feels like the worst pain bearable with your lovley words. How are you today?
Hi p17,
I get angry when I see people with their mums and i was lucky enough to have 48 years with mine.
I dont think it will ever be enough. I get angry that my mum has left us, that she wont see my daughter become a teenager in a few weeks time and that I never got to retire and look after her as I had planned to
I think these feelings are normal. My pain seems worse now than they did 3 or 4 months ago.
Cheryl x
Had a bit of an up and down day. Back at work today which I always hate after a week off and I normally hate January too. Add to that the current circumstances and I’m not too interested in this year yet. This evening I crashed out which is what happens randomly, things are going ok until they aren’t and something triggers thoughts, memories and emotions. Then as Cheryl mentions, I start to think about all the things mum won’t get to do and it’s almost like I feel sorry on her behalf and somehow she still has emotions. Well at least that’s what I feel like. As time passes, some of the raw emotions make way for more deeper, complex thoughts. In my case, once the funeral was out of the way and the raw emotions and shock dissipated, this made way for feelings of deep sadness, the kind of sadness I didn’t think was possible. Time can be a healer but it can also itself hurt as the months roll by and I’m worried what I’ll feel like in March which includes my birthday but no birthday card from my mum for the first time ever.
Sorry to hear about your mornings. Fairly normal to feel that way especially when you first wake up but hopefully will subside with a bit more time.
Don’t worry about admitting to the jealousy. I had to admit the same thing as do others here, totally normal. I still look at grandparents and firstly wonder how old they are and then secondly wonder why my mum we so unlucky so suddenly. Of course you are grateful for what you had but it’s never enough. You’ve had an awful year by the sounds of it so I’m glad you are finding some peace here. I’m no expert in death and grief but what I can do is share my thoughts and hope they help. There are many who have helped me over the last few weeks for sure. I’m not saying you will have the same experience as me but you will find that you have a lot in common with others here no matter how horrible you feel.
I am also struggling with the pain my poor dad is in, loosing my mum is awful but to see my dad so broken without his soul mate is just horrible. They met when they were 15 and never left each other’s side since, they loved globe trotting and now my poor dad is left without his travel buddy. Nothing I can say or do can ease his pain, he just loved my wee mum so much. They had 36 wonderfully years together but even that’s not enough! I go through the motions, this morning I was upset, now im angry and later it’ll change again. I guess we just need to learn to adapt to life without having our loved ones here. I lost my best friend last year to cystic fibrosis and then my sister in law this year and my other friend and now my wee mum! I’m angry at the world at everything I just want my mum back and all the other loved ones I’ve lost. Can anyone recommend if booking an appointment with my GP would be a wise decision? I feel like I’m just rambling on but this website and yous wonderfully nice people are making this horrible time a bit more bearable. I am already on a lot of medication for anxiety disorder and depression so I don’t want to allow my mental health to slide as my mum told me.
I find this a good site to ramble. I tend to ramble a lot! I’m sorry your dad is suffering badly. Not surprising really and is one thing that bothers me about the future in my life. Losing a lifelong partner is extremely rough. At least he has you and you can support each other. You are right about not enough time, no matter how long we have someone in our lives, it’s just never enough, that’s a common theme among others. You mention emotions, I don’t know about you but I’ve never known it possible to have so many emotions in one day. Grief really is the most complex and hardest thing ever to deal with. One minute I’m doing ok, so I think, and the next I’m wondering how it’s possible to ever be happy again. I’m worried that I’m not the same person anymore for the people around me, I really want to be my old self but I feel that person is lost too. Maybe that’ll change with time. Adapting to life without mum is hard especially when the whole disbelief thing keeps popping up all over the place.
Too many good people leave too early don’t they?
Mental health is very important and you should look after yourself as much as possible. I don’t think anyone should avoid grief as it’s something which had to be worked though no matter how tough it is. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to visit your GP especially if they good and not just offer medication. It hasn’t been long for you so if you feel overwhelmed right now then that is normal unfortunately. Your GP may be able to give you some advice and possibly organise counselling should you think that would benefit you. I wish there was a magic pill to sort this all out but alas it doesn’t exist. The best sort of therapy I’ve found is mainly to talk about everything and I do a lot of that here. There are some really good chats going on with some regular people. Eventually I hope you and your dad can find some peace but it’ll likely won’t be anyone soon unfortunately. How have you been getting on with the practicalities?
I had heard of the motions of grief but I had no idea how rough it is until it was my reality. Some days I manage to be more productive but other days like today I find it hard to get of the couch. I feel like there is no hope without my mum here so why bother? But my mum was very fearce and fiery and she gave everything her all so I remind myself I’m made of strong stuff just like her. Me & my sister promised mum we would look after dad and we have 3 grandchildren that keep him going but knowing the pain he’s in and knowing there’s nothing I can do to help either. my fiancé has been fantastic and my absolute rock but I find myself getting frustrated as he doesn’t know first hand what Im experiencing and he still has both parents and grandparents but this is where you guys are proving to be an amazing help to me, I know you’ve felt all these emotions and although none of us may have the answers it definitely helps speaking to yous so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Time also scares me, I count everyday like day 18 without mum does this ever stop? How are you today? X
Hi p17
I dknt know if the counting ever stops but I’m still doing it and mum died 29 weeks ago yesterday.
It doesnt make me happy but nothing does anymore anyway and I cant help but count. Ivwoukf insgkne once the first anniversary passes I wont count in weeks anymore.
I’m very down at the moment which wont give you much hope as I expect you hope you will feel alot better at the 6 month mark. I thought I would but I dont. I think xmas and the new year havent helped.
Have you arranged your mums funeral yet?
I remember it gave me something to focus on in the early days. I first found things really hard the day after the funeral. I think it was because people kept telling me I would get closure after the funeral but of course I didnt.
How are you bearing up generally?
Cheryl x
Hi
I am struggling at the moment to be honest. I dont think I am an hide it.
I cant believe you got a funeral for your mum in 6 days but I think it was great that you did. Going through xmas and new year knowing a funeral would follow would have been very hard
Losing our mums is such an awful awful thing to have happened.
Thinking of you x
I’m thinking of you too . Not had much chance to post on here today. I sometimes think that any of us can at any time be a couple of weeks away from our own funeral. Completely wacky thoughts I know but it does make me realise just how fragile life can be and losing my mum has made me completely rethink my priorities in life.
Today has been a bit strange, spent a large chunk of it taking down decorations and lights. Found myself getting depressed for some reason over decorations I wasn’t interested in putting up in the first place. None of this grief business makes particular sense.
I am familiar with the no hope feelings you mention. They still crop up for me from time to time, it’s most bizarre. The future has been shattered, the future you planned which included your mum. So what future can there possibly be? I struggled with that one for a long time. I still do to some extent and the feelings can change in intensity like waves but I do believe there has to be a future and I just remember that my mum lost her parents when she was only 22 and she managed to continue and give me a fantastic upbringing. Amazing woman, don’t think I can ever match her character but I can try to be as good as she was.
I think you entitled to not feel bothered right now. It’s very sad but there isn’t much you can do to take away the pain your dad is suffering apart from just giving all the support you can. My dad messages me every day to tell me how much he misses mum and I don’t feel able sometimes to give him support he needs. I sometimes resent the messages because, well, it’s complicated, but the constant reminders of what I’ve lost I don’t really need. Not sure if you are aware of my relationship with my dad and his health but I love him dearly and that’s something else I have to face again at some point.
I’ve said this before but I’ll readily admit that I didn’t really understand grief and loss until now. I sometimes imagined what it would be like when mum was gone, I didn’t like it but the feelings I imagined are nothing like the reality. So I think it’s impossible for someone who hasn’t experienced it yet to really know and they should count themselves lucky for now. I’m glad you’ve found us and it helps you!
Yes I reckon the counting will go on for a long time, all of us seem to do it! It’s like an obsession for me. X