Loosing mum

Hi, I never thought I would be on here but having read some of the conversations I know that you will all understand. I lost my mum on 11/01/20, it’s now 18 days since I have seen her, the longest in 52 years we have been apart. The day she died was raw really raw but then I’ve been on autopilot until the funeral which was last Friday. Now reality is kicking in that I am never going to see her again and I can’t seem to understand that, I block the thought that she is not here and focus on other stuff. I’m afraid that I’m suddenly going to just fall apart as the reality hits me like a freight train, I’m too calm at the moment and it scares me.
I know we are all on our own journey of grief and it’s some comfort that we can be anonymous on this site but really let our true feelings out without having to appear strong for our children/husbands etc.
Thank you

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Hi,

The first few weeks after my mum died I was doing great. I organised the funeral, wrote to friends in australia, wrote to family in Holland, applied for probate blah blah blah.
The day after mums funeral which was 3 and a half weeks after she died, I completely fell apart and I’ve only really picked myself halfway up ever since.
It’s a huge shock to lose your mum. You have had her for 52 years. Why would you get through this in a matter of weeks?
My journey has been slow. My mum died 7 and a half months ago (sudden brain haemorrhage) and I have no social life and rarely see friends.
I’m coping ok with work but not much else.
Dont be hard on yourself. A life changing event has happened
Cheryl x

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Thank you, I know we all struggle differently. I had been mums carer for the last 4 years, 2019 really took a toll on her health (two strokes and multiple myeloma) and the last 3 months were hard to watch her losing all her independence and dignity which she truly hated. I think she had had enough and now she is reunited with my dad.
My days were always planned with my mum as the main consideration and it’s hard going from a 100 miles an hour to an empty day, don’t get me wrong I have things to occupy me but it’s just this huge empty void and feeling so heavy with sadness.
Thank you for taking the time to reply it is the first time I have ever been on a forum x

Its good to talk.
Losing my mum has been catastrophic. She was my absolute best friend.
Mum was acting a bit strange on the 2nd June. We went to a and e and they said she had a mini stroke. We were shocked but mum was barely affected. A slighty weak left arm which the doctors said would be fine again after a bit of physio.
Mum was discharged and all was good. Then she went bang with a brain hemorrhage on the 13th.
I often wonder why she fued when others have strokes and survive but I guess it’s the luck of the draw.
I feel very cheated.
Lots of us chat most days on here. Feel free to join us.
Cheryl x

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Died not fued…

My mum’s funeral is next Wednesday, I’m terrified. I’ve planned everything but I can’t see beyond it, what happens after? carrying on without her seems impossible right now. I’m just so sad and constantly teetering on the edge. Reading comments on here is very helpful and makes me feel less alone.

Hi Scarlet,

My mums was a week ago today and you will get through it. Most of the day passes in a blur but you will smile at times with happy memories. I looked at it as the “official” goodbye but after that it’s your private time to grieve but also remember the good times. I’m still a bit in a trance and seem to be on autopilot but I talk to her everyday in my head and you know that your mum would want you to be strong and live your life. Just take each day one at a time and try not to look too far ahead.
Be gentle with yourself and honest to others when they ask how you are.
We all understand how you are feeling xx

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Hi scarlet
Sad3105 is right. You will get through the day and may find it’s better than you thought it would be.
It’s the afterwards that’s hard.
Well it has been for me anyway.time is standing still and 7 and a half months down the line, it could be yesterday that I last saw her, chatted to her, sat and watched tv and shared a drink with her.
You just have to keep taking things one day at at time x

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My mum was the most loving person in the world, caring, kind, adventurous, generous and genuine. Her heart simply couldn’t keep up.

What were yours like?

The same scarlet. My absolute best friend and still so good for her age. It was only following post mortem that we learnt she wasnt in good health at all.
Blocked arteries round her heart, blocked carotid artery on one side, atrophied kidneys, an enlarged heart. I have no idea how she was functioning so normally with such a poor vascular system and heart.
The week before she was helping me landscape my garden and took my daughter to town and for a McDonalds.
I’m having a bad couple of days. Very teary at the moment.
I think the passing of time is making me worse.
Did your mum know she had heart failure scarlet?
Cheryl x

Sounds like we had the best mums. I spoke to my mum everyday sometimes twice a day for the last 52 years and apart from a couple of holidays we saw each other at least 5 times a week so it’s a massive gap/void. She used to give me 3 rings every night so I knew she was in bed ok. How lucky are we though that we had such wonderful relationships with our mums, the sadness will always be with you but she has left you many many happy memories.
Will he thinking of you next weds xx

She did and she lived life to the full knowing it was going to be shortened by her condition. She’d been kept in hospital to fit a special device similar to a pace maker but her heart gave up at the last moment. Literally 36 hours before she would’ve had it fitted, they’d had to delay because of bloodwork issues but she’d got over that. It’s so devastating knowing a few more days and it would be a very different story. She just deteriorated so quickly it was impossible to come back. I’m so cross and frustrated maybe I should be pushed morebefore christmas, at new year, but I feel I could send myself crazy about the what ifs. I just want my mum back

I think we are paying the price for having such a good relationship with our mums.
I’ve got 2 colleagues I sit next to in work who havent seen their mums in years. One said no one would even let her know if her mum died.
I barely went a fee hours without contact with my mum and I was so excited when she agreed to move on with me 10 months before she dief

I know scarlet.
The week before my mum died she found out about the blocked carotid artery and mum was advised to come in to hospital for an operation to clear it. The said she was at a high risk of a stroke without an op.
Mum suffered a brain hemorrhage just 15 minutes into the recovery room. The operation had gone well so we dont know why, but like your mum I think her body just gave up.
In my better moments I like to think mum was saved from something worse.
Perhaps the same for your mum?
Maybe the op wouldn’t have worked and your mum would have suffered greatly?
I have to believe there is a reason why my mum went when she should have been fully recovered in a week.

We never thought when she went into hospital this would be the outcome. It was a routine operation they’d been promising for a while once the time was right and would help her stamina and energy levels. To not even get an opportunity to try, she died before the op, just is heartbreaking. She’d done so much but was so full of enthusiasm to do more and visit other places.

I know scarlet. The same with mum. They said an hour operation to clear her blocked carotid artery and she would be like new.
I wish I knew why she suffered the bleed on the brain in the recovery room. According to the surgeon the operation had gone well, mum was happy and chatting away. This is backed up by the post morterm which stated that the op was successful with mo sign of infection and the bleed occurred in a different part of the brain.
I just have to hope that this was mums destiny and her path was this way. I’m not a spiritual person but I do wonder if my dad intervened, saw that the op had gone well but knew mum was ill and took her to be with him.
It was only during the post mortem that we found out that mums heart and arteries were in a terrible way.
Mum had no idea.
How old was your mum scarlet?

My sister and I went through something similar in terms of our mum going into hospital and not coming out - didn’t think we wpuld lose her during that admission. We knew something wasn’t right and got the gp involved who advised that she was admitted to hospital after blood results. 6 weeks later she was gone. The nurses were shocked by the state of her pressure sores esp as nurses were seeing her at home. I wish I did more when she was at home and I knew the carers weren’t doing their best. I am reminded that I couldn’t physcially do much as I was more than 30 weeks pregnant at the time. But I still feel guilty. I wanted my mum to have more time with her grandson, not just one visit - before she was in hospital.

Hi j1408,

It’s awful isnt it? I’m so done with sudden death.
My mum was so lively and funny, and so good for 74 we thought we had another 20 years with her.
Then between 7th and 13th june it had all gone wrong. Mum diagnosed with a blocked carotid artery on the 7th, surgery advised, surgery done, mum dead.
Its sounds clinical but that’s what happened.
I have found that the shock of it all is the worst. Mum was here and gone so suddenly that we dudnt even have time to get used to the fact she was even remotely unwell before she was gone forever.
I have a 12 year old daughter who was joined at the hip with my mum. It’s been such a blow. I’m sorry for your loss and understand how you are feeling.
Cheryl x

My mum had been wheelchair bound for the last 11 years but stable until 2019 - went on several cruises together. 1st she broke her hip on her 70th birthday - in hospital for 3 months. Then was back in hospital 2 months later. I think sudden death and expected death both hurt the same.

Hi,
Yes I agree and it would have been awful for mum to have known she was dying and to watch her deteriorate.
It’s just that I never get to prepare or say my goodbyes.
My dad had a massive heart attack in bed when he was 53 and my mum was supposed to be calling me to collect her from her op when the hospital rang to tell me she had suffered a spontaneous bleed on the brain.
I’m not undermining anyone who goes through long illness at all.