I didn’t think you were undermining anyone. I was just reflecting on my own thoughts. As I knew there was a possibly and made sure my mum knew that we all loved her a few days before she passed. Tried to say things in a way that didnt make her feel I thought she would go ( she didn’t like talking about death etc even when hwr uncle passed 6 months prior ). But there are loads of other things I would have loved to say to her.
J1408. Exactly the same. I knew mum was going to die very very soon. So much I wanted to say to her. But didn’t want her to know I was saying goodbye. She was so scared of dying. So had to be so careful that she didn’t know that we were saying our goodbyes. She was admitted with what we thought was just a terrible chest infection. It turned out she had metastasised cancer with unknown primary. They told her it was terminal. But I wouldn’t let anyone say how long she had left (less than a week). So I told her she would be going home once the chest infection cleared up which I knew would never happen. She died two days later in the end.
Just said I love you a lot. That she was best mum and nanny. Then saw fear in her eyes so I stopped there.
Of course and I’m sure I would be feeling just as devastated if I knew of mums poor health and impending death. Mum was fortunate that she dust know and it’s just awful for those left behind to deal with.
I think there are always going to be things unsaid even if we do know.
I knew there was a 1 percent risk of death with mums operation but still we didnt discuss it.
Hope you’re ok.
There will always be what ifs no matter how they die. It’s always going to be hideous in equal measure. Pros and cons for both
Hi there. I can completely relate, my mum died on the 6th and her funeral was last Thursday. She was 53. It just seems so unfair and not real doesn’t it. It’s hard to describe to anyone how much it hurts but please do reach out if you need a chat.
Hi just thought I’d touch base. It’s just over 3 weeks since I lost mum and I’m doing ok. I get through the days, I keep a diary now and write all my thoughts down and talk to her but no tears will come I’m just emotionless. I no I have mentally blocked it out maybe I haven’t accepted it yet or is it because she was so poorly I knew she wasn’t enjoying life anymore no matter what we tried to do to cheer her up. She had no dignity or independence left and that was what she hated and it broke my heart seeing her like it, the life and laughter had just left her. I know everyone has a different journey with grief so I’m just taking it each day and if I don’t feel like being social (which I haven’t been) I say no to people re meeting up. I’m comfortable with my husband and children, kind of in the bubble with them but haven’t the enthusiasm for anyone else. I did get told “life is like a train journey where some of us reach the end destination sooner than others” .
I lost my dad when he was 53. It’s so young.
I’m devastated enough about my mum and she was 74 which is still too young.
I hope you are ok.
@Sad3105 I felt that way too. As the doctors were recommending nursing home input before mum passed. Knowing this and bringing stuck in a side room for 6 weeks. Didnt give my mum lots to look forward to. She loved talking to others, her own space and independence of getting about on her own. A few days before her passing I was trying to get the nurses to allow her off the ward for 20 mins max to hold her grandson and get fresh air. They said to ask again in a weeks time.
It has made me discuss my death briefly with my husband in terms of finance to support our son and funeral arrangements. Hopefully he doesn’t have ro action it
My dad has gone into full preparation mode “just in case”. As we knew nothing of mums wishes. Mums fear of death and illness meant we could never talk about anything remotely like that. So it was so hard in the hospital. I would talk about our memories. Try and make her laugh. Anything apart from the damn cancer. She never mentioned it either. She only asked one question “how long”. I said I don’t know mum.
Knowing any loved ones wishes ‘just in case’ I think helps with getting through the initial planning and can reduce some stress felt.
I Would urge people Where possible to have power of attorney in place and wills as it really is making all the paperwork which needs to he done that much easier within the legality which exists. My husband and I did our wills etc same time as mum, not a nice thing to have to discuss but it really does help those left behind but it also gives you peace of mind to know you are making things easier for your loved ones. It’s a hard enough time when you lose a loved one and then to have the added stress of fighting to sort their estate is just something you don’t need x
So it’s my mum’s funeral tomorrow. This evening I organised a meal out for family and friends. It was a social affair with a mix of people who all had one thing in common… their love of my mum. It was truly special. There were children, adults, family and friends. They talked, they remembered, they laughed and they cried. It was wonderful and mum would have loved to have been there with us. I couldn’t beat being at home sad and alone I wanted to celebrate her love and friendship, we did that.
I love, admire and adore my mum, can’t believe she’s gone but I will cherish every single memory
I’m glad that you could have that Scarlet. Hearing great words about your mum from others must have brought you some comfort knowing it wasn’t just you who saw her as a great person. We had a nine night which is similar for my mum. We got to meet people who we heard my mum talk about but not meet until then. I hope today goes well.
Good for you, Scarlet, I hope that all goes well for you and your family, today. Organising a meal where your family and friends could remember your mum was a wonderful thing to do.
I agree with you, Sadme, two years ago, Stan was very keen that we should update our wills and give our daughter and son, Power of Attorney. We did this, I had no qualms about doing so the P of A, I mean, little did I know how wise this was, it has been invaluable, I call our son my Chancellor of the Exchequer and our daughter is my private secretary. Between them they have done and are still doing, a wonderful job. x x x
Hiya I lost my mum on the 11th December very suddenly, I feel like you, im too calm, too organised, im being strong for my dad. I have two older children and 2 younger ones, im still waiting for that bubble to burst and everything to really kick in, or is it cause I always knew deep down she had enough, she was warn out, she couldn’t eat properly, she couldn’t see properly, maybe I accepted it earlier, I don’t know, I’m so confused of not knowing how or what I’m supposed to be feeling x sorry for the loss of your mum hun xxxx
You are not suppose to feel a certain way. Its understandable if emotions that you would have expected haven’t hit you yet. Especially when you have a young family to care for. I went into autopilot as I learnt what needed to happen for the funeral, bills etc. Its now that I’m left with my own thoughts, that I cry/ get teary at anything that reminds me of my mum.
Such a strong roller-coaster of emotions isn’t it, I’m such a strong, focused minded person, simple things like shopping, run up and down the stairs a hundred times before I get what I actually wanted, im round my dad’s 2 to 3 times a week, if for some reason I don’t get round one day I feel as guilty as hell for it, I know its still early days and we’re all trying to process it in our own way, im just so numb with it xx
I feel your pain, been some really ramdon songs that have come on the radio or at work that I’ve not heard in years but were favourite songs of my mum that completely throws me, I can’t deal with them at that point cause I’m working or have my girls in the car, I always kiss my mums photo before bed that makes me cry every night xxx