Hi all, having a bad day today, picked up mums ashes this morning and it just is another hard knock of reality. I am missing her dreadfully today but it’s comforting reaching out to you all as I know you understand. Can’t stop crying, that will teach me for saying in a previous post that I wasn’t crying just no emotion. I know I will pull myself together…until the next time but the pain is just so raw, I feel my stomach drop and I lose a breath then I get annoyed with myself as it won’t bring her back it just makes me feel wretched. Sorry for the gloomy post I do try to be positive but grief just catches you unawares.
Thanks for listening xx
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Hi sad3105,
When people thinking grief they imagine the hard parts are the day of the death and the funeral, but ive found other events to be much harder. By far one of the worst days for me was the day I collected my mums ashes.
I cried and cried,stared at them and then put them in mums wardrobe and knew they would have to go sooner rather than later.
8 weeks later I scattered them.
I’ve realised that I’m just not one for reminders hence no photos of mum around and bit by bit her things are going.
Dont be hard on yourself. Its bloody hard being handed your ‘mum’ once vibrant and living zbx now reduced to a box of ashes.
Cheryl x
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I had a similar situation today. As my mums headstone was put in place 30 mins before I came to visit her. First I was happy to see that it was designed how it was agreed then I was crying too. Still slightly happy as its in place before her birthday on Monday
Hi scarlet, I was thinking about you and your mums funeral, hope you were ok
Mary x
The day was devastating but also a celebration of the wonderful person my mum was. So many people who knew her well came and shared their memories. I can’t remember a huge amount as I was in a daze but family and friends were wonderful and helped me and my brothers. In a mess now, people were right suddenly it feels real and I’m realising in never going to see, talk or hug her again, it’s heartbreaking. It hasn’t helped that her ashes are ready to be collected and they called me by her name or that my mother in law said since I’ll have kite time now and will be around more I should visit… she was trying to help and offer an excursion together for me but it just wasn’t quite the phrase I needed to hear. I’m already panicking about Mother’s Day. For Father’s Day last year (my dad died last May) we were away and had a lovely walk on a beach, good meal and even a dip it was somber but I had time to think fondly back at Dad. Not sure what will come next month.
Thank you for thinking of me x
How are you doing Mary? Your mum died just 4 days before mine I think. How are you coping?
Hi scarlet, Look at it this way we are a survivor, the day that they died, the day of the funeral, those days were just raw, I didn’t think there could be pain like it yet we got through. And yes reality bites hard now, the longer we go without seeing them the harder it seems to feel. But it’s so soon for us to expect to be any different. I’m not an emotional mess all the tine and sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not but the strong person I am today is because of my mum, she was strong and I like to think she is proud of me for going forward with her strength. I know when I start to sort her flat out there will be hard times ahead but also lot of memories. I’m just taking each day as it comes and not looking to far ahead. I have started an a4 day to a page diary and I write to her in that, about the kind of day I have had etc and I find it oddly calming as its between me and mum only. And helps to get feelings down that I don’t want to share with others regardless of how supportive they are. I still can’t be bothered to socialise much so I simply don’t, I’m comfortable with just hubby and the kids for now. This site has been a godsend as we all understand each other’s pain. Stay strong scarlet x
Ps think of Mother’s Day etc like this… it won’t hurt anymore or any less than it does the day before or the day after, it’s just another day without her. Xx
I’ve been writing to my mum too. It really is soothing.
Hi all, feel the need to touch base with you again. I’ve been doing ok and been very fortunate in that I’ve been away to a very peaceful and beautiful place which has almost made me feel that mum is just at home waiting for me rather than passed away. I’ve got to return hone in a couple of days and am dreading it as reality is going to hit me full on and I’ve also got to start clearing mums flat. I can feel myself starting panic attacks at the thought of it . I know I’ve got to face it and I will but I’m scared of the raw grief that’s going to come back. Talking to people who understand helps.
Hope you are all coping too x
Just take your time when clearing out your mum’s flat. I found it easier to start with rooms that I didnt have an attachment to. So started with the front room and ended with her bedroom. Keep the council/ housing association updated about the time you need if its relevant. We had three weeks after her funeral with her passing a month before that. We could have got more time to sort things but was happy to be out of there by that time. Just ask for help from family and friends to get things done that you don’t mind others doing
That’s really good advice thank you. Fortunately it’s a private flat so I’m not under any time pressure but at the same time I want it done. I will probably start with the kitchen first as it’s the room thats least personal as she hadn’t really cooked in years. X
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Hi all,
Well I’ve started on the flat and I’m just focused and not thinking but only done half of the kitchen so far so it’s the least personal. I’ve got to ask this as I feel so isolated as I can’t say it out loud but does anyone have these feelings
- Slightest bit of stress around me and I can feel myself just wanting to walk away from everything
- Really struggling on the intimacy side I can’t bear to be touched even cuddled (and I love my husband very much) and in fairness I avoid hugs from friends too, I can’t stand anyone in my space.
- Any unexpected loud noise and I jump out of my skin
- Still find it a real effort with socialising, smile on the outside , totally disinterested on the inside
I’m not in touch with my emotional side at all, even the tears have dried up (for now).
Feeling very conflicted with how I’m feeling
Hi,
I can relate to pretty much all you are saying. I push my partner away if he shows me any affection. Its not that I dont want him, I just dont want those acts of kindness because they make me cry. I cant be intimate either because I just see my mums face all the time. 8 months down the line and I dont socialise at all. I cope with work, being at home, shopping with my daughter and running her to her clubs and school. I turn down all invites to go out or see friends. I’m annoyed I’m doing it but I cant cope with reverting back to the life I had before mum died.
I’m sure all this is pretty normal but its nice to see that other people feel the same.
Cheryl x
Hi Cheryl thx for the reply, it’s helped to know it’s not just me feeling like this. My husband is trying to be very understanding but not sure how long that will last. You are right it’s just life has changed so much and I associate some of it with life as it was and in my head life’s changed and so have I. Cuddles and hugs mean letting down barriers and mine are firmly up and staying there for now
X
I can relate with some of your feelings too. I have been pushing my husband away and not doing social outings. Want to do them but not feeling the smiles I do on the outside. Considering counselling but unsure what to say my goal is…how to cope with grief? How to communicate with my husband and not push him away?