6 weeks is still very early days, don’t put too much pressure on yourself not to feel the way you do, it’s natural & at least you’re writing about it. I didn’t discover this site until a while afterwards but I realised getting things out of my head by writing them down really helped me. I started to write a journal of all the fun things we’d done, the funny things he’d say, his favourite things …. concentrating on the good things trying to get the trauma of his passing to stop being the first thing I thought of & overtaking the good memories. You will find your way of coping 
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Hi, to be honest it’s only my boys and dogs that have stopped me ending these feelings. I don’t want them to feel what I’m feeling. Although living with the one you love and having that love returned is different from children loving their parent when they have their own family and don’t spend 98% of their time together . My name should be Bill Murray as I am living in Groundhog Day.
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It’s 7 weeks today. It’s no better. I struggle to get through every day. I have seen my son usually at 6 pm and look forward to an hour or two distraction, but I know it must be a bind for him and his family seeing me so miserable and sad. They have their own lives. I will try not seeing him so often, but this then makes a full 24 hrs to try and get through. If it wasn’t for the fact it may cause my boys such pain I really would love just to end this non- ending pain. Every day seems to be worse than the previous one. How or why should anyone have to endure this life with no joy, no future with the person you loved most in this world being in it. I spend every day trying to find distractions to stop me thinking about my sweetheart, which can’t be right. I just miss her in every way. The only positive is I now can get in clothes I haven’t been able to get into for years. How sad rather to be dead than have this agony every minute of the day.
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@swojto I can so relate. I see my only daughter almost every day and although she never complains I feel I’m becoming a burden. She works full time, has a husband and a young family but still she is there for me. I too feel I should try more on my own but to be honest her & my grandchildren are the only thing keeping me going at the moment. I hate I’ve become this vulnerable weak person. Sending hugs.
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Hi, every day goes so slow. I keep busy most of the day but it still drags. The only thing I had to look forward to was seeing my son and family, but I know I must be a pain to them although he never says so. They have their own life and don’t really need me going round nearly every day, although I really do need them. I just wish this nightmare would end one way or another. I’m fed up with struggling. Nothing really helps. Even with seeing my son I still have over 22 hours to struggle though. I know my sweetheart wouldn’t want me feeling like this but I can’t help it. She would have been the same it I had died. I wish there was a way we went together.
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@swojto your situation sounds very like mine. I’m also 7 weeks on this journey. Hoping things improve for all of us with time but not sure it will
Hi Jan17,
I wish I could give some hope on this situation, but to be honest I can’t. I hate my life , I always thought of myself as a strong person. After watching the love of my life fighting for 8 days, and being there when she died has tripled me, and turned me into a tearful wimp. I hate that I need to try and find distractions just to get through the day. What I really want is just to be with her. I’ve added that my ashes should be mixed with Mandy’s in my will. I can’t eat, sleep, or get any pleasure from anything. We used to sit on our garden swing seat and enjoy the sunny weather and enjoy life. I can’t even seat on it yet. I don’t sleep in our bed as I have never been in it without her. I don’t even go in our bedroom as all her things are still in there. I feel guilty I’m alive and she isn’t. I feel guilty eating because she can’t. I just hate life without her.
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Crippled not tripled
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@swojto @Jan17 I am so sorry for your loss and that you are finding no purpose in life without your wonderful partners. It is 16 weeks for me since I lost my darling man and I just wanted to reach out to you to say that our grief we share is about the loss of something wonderful and so the yearning, and many of the other grief-related experiences you describe is a state of being.
'Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~Edna St. Vincent Milla*
All the emotions you describe, not eating, sleeping and feeling as if the light has gone out inside, I experience too. But there are moments of light when grief is kinder to me and I have hope to find a meaning in this new life. Everyone told me small steps at the beginning, and that is so true. Time, patience and support are here in abundance, I hope your grief is kinder to you tomorrow xxx
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@sandi thank you for your kind words. It is so hard to find meaning in life anymore but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sending hugs
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Hi, thanks for your reply. What can I say, I haven’t had any respite from my emotions. I try to put one foot in front but it doesn’t have any reason. I would just like to have an end which wouldn’t impact on my children. I just wish that one morning soon I would never know it happened. The miss is so intense, it’s a mixture of sadness, guilt( that I’m alive), and the person who least deserved it is only here in my heart and mind. She is the love of my life and always will be. I hate every day.
I also hate feeling this way but I don’t think it will change. I think it’s called complicated grief. I so sorry for being such a doom merchant. I only you feel better than me. Stefan
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I hear you Stefan Everything you feel I can truly relate too, I was married to my love for 46 years. I was told I had PTSD after my husband died, he died very suddenly and for the first few weeks I just couldn’t accept he had gone and saw no purpose to my life. I saw a counsellor which helped. So you have no need to apologise, for what you feel, it is real and I know it is so hard to see any future. If you feel you have complicated grief maybe support from your GP or a bereavement counsellor may help you too. Unfortunately there is no right or wrong in how we feel, it just is, and we somehow have to find a way through. xxx
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Hi sandi, I tried calling my gp a few weeks back, the receptionist went away and came back saying I need to look online for a website called well being. Or call 111 option 2.
I’m not too sure if we do need to find our way through. Why would anybody want to live a life they don’t want , find every day a struggle, and known nothing is ever going to change. It doesn’t matter who you talk to ,you still have all the demons of the mind come visiting you when you least expect it or want it. You have to forget about your love to get any peace, and I’m not prepared to do that. You still have 24 long hours every day to try and get through. When you do get through, it starts again tomorrow, an endless cycle of pain, boredom, even though I keep busy all day, it has absolutely no meaning. I have an allotment that was to grow my sweetheart her favourite fruit and vegetables. I’ve been picking punnets of strawberries from my poly tunnel which were planted for her ,and she didn’t get to eat one. Apart from my boys and grandchildren and my 2 dogs there is nothing in this world I would miss. It is so messed up there would be nothing to miss. Even writing on this forum just reminds me just how horrible my life is without my beautiful fiancée in it anymore. I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat, but know she would have this pain that I now have and wouldn’t wish that on anyone let alone the person I loved most in this world.
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Your GP’s receptionist doesn’t sound very helpful, and quite dismissive. Complicated grief is similar to PTSD in that it is a recognised condition which can affect your mental health… Whilst talking with someone doesn’t change what has happened a therapist can offer specific techniques to better control the demons.
I feel differently in that in order to find peace you have to forget your love. I hope with all my heart that is not the case. Having spoken with others on this site who are somewhat further down the road, they have found some sort of peace but their love and connection to their partners remains so strong. This is what gives me hope.
I also wouldn’t want my husband to have gone through this pain, in fact I don’t think he would have coped, he couldn’t easily talk about his emotions, he didn’t cook and wouldn’t have known how to operate the washing machine. His work would have become his total focus o I am willing to bear this pain and seek to honour him and his love for me by trying to find my way .
I just wish there was something I could say to you that will bring you so comfort, but just so you know, I totally understand and validate how you feel right now. x
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Hi, as I said, I am never going to let my sweetheart go out of my mind, no matter what pain it brings. She was and will always be the love of my life. I have been with Mandy for the last 16 years, but my ex wife disappeared with a work colleague and I brought up my 2 boys up by myself. My youngest was only 3 at the time so I’m pretty much domesticated. I used to cook a lot even when with Mandy as I have always enjoyed it. Needless to say that is quite true at this moment in time. I wish I could allow myself to live for both of us but I’m nowhere near that. I hope you have more peace than me at this time. Take care Stefan
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Hi, hope you are feeling better than what I am. I really am struggling again getting through the days and nights again. I wish I could get any sort of normality in my life instead of feeling crap all day every day. Every memory is full of sadness. I had 16 great years but I can’t get past the last 8 days of my beautiful Mandy’s life. I just wish it would stop.
I don’t think I’m going to make it. It’s too unbearable. It’s getting worse rather than better.
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@swojto I’m so sorry you are struggling again and life feels unbearable. Sadness and hopelessness are really ‘normal’ feelings during the first few weeks and months, when it all feels overwhelming , Even though I have better days now, I do have these feelings when it is difficult to see a future. Do you speak to your Mandy?. I talk to my husband all the time, sometimes just telling him about my day and other times when I feel overwhelmed I tell him how much I love and miss him . When it was around 3 months for me I felt like my grief was getting worse not better, and you feel you are taking one step back. I think it is the realisation they are not coming back. But hang on in there, keep talking about how you are feeling, it really does help. I hope in the coming days your grief is gentler to you and you can find some peace xx
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Hi sandi, I think I’ve come to the realisation that my feelings are not the grief talking ,but realising this is a lifestyle I don’t want and can’t keep putting up with every day in a perpetual loop. It doesn’t have to be a problem not being here ,if it’s a life you don’t want. I wish my 2 lads and their children were enough for me but they’re not. I’m not going to allow myself to become a pain in their lives. I’m fed up trying to find distractions every day. Every day that are 48 hrs long. I was happy with my simple lifestyle when Mandy was here with me, but now it’s a horrible lifestyle, I’m not prepared to keep perpetuating. It has taking me quite a while to find out it isn’t always the grief that allows you to think clearly. Not everyone likes their lives, it doesn’t have to be grief, or a mental problem . Some people just have had enough. I think I knew from the start I wouldn’t want to be here without my sweetheart in it. Why would I want to grow older, less mobile, probably getting frail and end up with some disease or ailment, having spent years of misery. Better to go out like a firework that a damp squid. I find it so positive that I can control how long I allow this lifestyle to continue. Perhaps knowing this might allow it to continue more than it would or should. I hope you don’t find this reply a little frightening but I am thinking very clearly. You take care of yourself.
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@swojto I don’t find your reply frightening, but I am concerned for you, Are you having thoughts about ending your life? Maybe you find the positive in being able to ‘control how long you allow this lifestyle’ because you weren’t able to control what took your lovely Mandy. Control makes us feel powerful and in losing our soulmate we are made to feel powerless in being unable to prevent it. You have your children who you care about, and who care about you and having just suffered a significant loss they would be so hurt if you left them behind. Did you ever speak to Mandy about getting older, and what that might mean in terms of mobility or how you would feel if one of you dies?
Stefan, you’ve reached out on here so I would strongly encourage you to seek support from your GP or a counsellor, or Samaritans. Sue Ryder has a link on suicidal thoughts and feelings, Keep reaching out you’re amongst friends who care x
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@swojto
Looking at your posts I’m assuming you’re about 2 months or so from losing your partner. I know I’ve responded to previous posts of yours and this desperation is normal. What isn’t normal is acting on it and that’s what is concerning.
Although you don’t feel it now, there is reason to live. You don’t have to stay in your current state, you can make changes that can benefit you.
What would Mandy say?
How would she feel about you leaving her son without you, now she’s not there?
Will your kids be devastated to lose you, how would it effect them?
Losing someone is the most excruciatingly painful thing. It’s an unimaginable pain, that no one gets unless they have been there and gone through it. This isn’t something you are going to overcome in a short time, you didn’t choose to leave each other, she was ripped from you!
But if you walk through it, small steps, changing what you can on the way, there will be some lighter days. I know this, @sandi knows this.
Seriously, it’s shit what you are going through, really shit and Its common to feel what you’re feeling.
Please seek help! Please keep communicating on here. And I really hope with the small changes you make, better days will come soon!
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