@swojto the trauma of losing the love of your life is excruciating. I still find i can’t talk about that week without tears & mostly anger as to Derek being let down so badly. For me to even start any sort of healing I had to get it out of my head & on paper. I then tried to concentrate on the great memories we made by again writing them down in a journal, all this doesn’t start straight away, I had months of despair & not wanting to go on, but I grasped at every little sign that he was still with me & talked to him & still do. We went into lockdown a few months after Derek died & I think that helped as I didn’t have to go out if I didn’t want to or find excuses for not going to events. The thing that really stopped me doing anything to join him, was knowing how painful losing Derek was I couldn’t do that to the family, I also know Derek would be appalled at me even thinking those thoughts. Just one day at a time & I have written a few posts as to where I’m at now 3 & a half years on. Take care & please talk to someone if those thoughts have a danger of turning to actions.
Love & strength 
@swojto
So sorry for your loss. I lost my partner 12 wks ago, he was 62, no warning, no symptoms just died of heart attack suddenly. It is still early days for me but even earlier still for you. The rawness is agonizing in those early days while we are trying to cop with the trauma and trying to navigate a world that is now totally unknown to us, one of separation, detachment, loneliness and a million other emotions that ambush us every minute or hour of the day. I was totally numb and couldn’t even cry up until the funeral and then after the funeral there is an emptiness and void that you begin to realise can never be filled. The best advice I received was literally to take everything hour by hour, day by day as anything more is just too overwhelming and exhausting. 12 weeks later and the rawness has eased off but the loneliness is worse. May be different for me though as I have no family or children, we are all individual and grief affects us all differently but on here we all share at whatever stage of grief we are at, what you are going through because we are all in the same boat just rowing it at our own pace.
On here you are not alone, we are one big grief family
Hi sandi,
I think the control allows me to keep going forward with the knowledge that I don’t have to accept a life without Mandy if I find it too unbearable. The trouble is I can’t see any other positives. The only way to have happiness and joy in my life is an impossibility. It’s now how long do I put up with this dreadful existence. I do thank everybody ,showing me there are people prepared to take the time to try and help me. I’m sure most have thought of joining their love ones at some time or other. I’m also sure some have actually done it. I’m not trying to offend any religious people on this group, but I’m not one. When I say join them I’m talking in the ash state. Although I’m not religious, I do respect life, I’ve been a vegetarian more than 40 years. I think religious people probably get a lot of comfort in their belief that they will see their love ones again. I’m not criticising their beliefs , but again I don’t believe that.
I don’t think it unreasonable to not want to feel unhappy for losing the love of your life. To realise there will be a lonely life ahead. As I’ve said before, apart from my boys(men) and grandchildren I can’t think of one thing I would miss how this world has progressed. It’s truly a horrible world. A few thousand rich people trying to control many billions. Nothing to miss I think.
I think I had better stop writing on this forum as I’m sure I’m making these lovely people feel worse. You all take care❤️