Losing a most precious person in my life.

[AKM]

Hi everyone, reading messages here gave me a courage to talk about my grief.
I just have lost my darling partner David on 12 November, feel like my world turned upside down, we were not meant to be separated. He was my love, my soulmate and my best friend. We were together for 24 years, and were so deep in love, wouldn’t leave each other for a minute except when I’m at work, I always call him when I get there and when I’m leaving work, if I’m late he gets worried and call me. I would never even go for any course or conference without him. I was always scared of loosing him and told him wouldn’t live without him. Whenever he looked at me all I see love, I knew he could not live without me either. We traveled together many places, enjoyed cooking together, watching our best TV program with a glass of wine. We always enjoyed each other company and very happy together. We had a very strong bond, often we used to think and said same things at same time.
Christmas always the best time and love to spoil him on Christmas, he was quite a romantic person.
Now suddenly I lost him, but in total denial, still feel he will walked in and say, Hello! I can’t bear to admit that he has gone forever, I’m keep talking to him like normal, making him a cup of tea like as usual, talking about night if slept well, talking about the day, asking what shall we have for dinner, but I haven’t eaten since he has gone, not sleeping at all. I am keep calling his name hoping he will answer and say yes, I am here!!
I’m in the middle of organising the funeral but my heart is all in pieces. Since he left, I am visiting him everyday, give him cuddle, kiss him, then hold his very very cold hand and talk to him for an hour before leave, then waiting for next day so I can touch him again. I feel like going mad and don’t think would be able to live without him for long. I am suffering and have deep pain of loss, but I don’t want for this pain to go away or heal, that reminds me of him, I don’t want people to say, time will heal because I don’t want this pain to heal, I stopped talking to people or just say I’m fine, easy way out but I’m hurting so much inside. People won’t understand how I’m feeling and think I’m silly!!

Sorry about a long message but this the first time I managed to open up to anyone and that makes me feel better because I know you all going through the same pain and can understand me.
I’m not sure what I’m gonna do to myself??

[Libragirl56]

So sorry for your loss… I lost my partner 7 months ago…. I’m dreading Xmas xx

[AKM]

So sorry for your loss, no one can understand your pain and this is the worst time of the year while you still grieving.

[Libragirl56]

Yes… every day is difficult to be honest but Xmas is undoubtedly the worst x

[Deb5]

Sorry for your loss. I know the feeling … its so hard to be without them by our side im coming up to one year on 16th december and i have absolutely no idea how i have got through this year ? It has been so painful and hard but i have had 10 hourly sessions of bereavment counselling and you will find it so much easier if you talk about your pain to others who care - either family or friends or just on here if thats what you find the best. Take care of yourself while you go through this hard time … it does slowly get a little easier xxxx

[JMS1]

You poor poor soul. I lost John suddenly in a tragic accident and can sympathize with your loss. It’s such a shock but if your love was that strong he will be with you and want you to keep going. It seems impossible now and I don’t know if time will heal but all of us are treading this same path and talking helps.

[AKM]

Thanks to all of you, some how I feel connected to you all here, cause we all share the similar loss and going through the pain.
I don’t think I would like to have counselling, I am already having counselling here by reading lovely messages and talking to you all, this is the best counselling for me, cause we all on a same boat and gone or going through the same loss.

Although I haven’t gone back to work yet but am going to miss coming home and giving him a kiss, holding his hand and then a nice cuddle and says I love you.
I am missing his voice, sometimes even his grumpiness, him singing and occasionally a little dance when he is happy.
I am missing the comfort of his arm and hug, keep me warm in cold days, while watching tele.
God knows how I am going to get through it and live!!

[Alir]

@AKM
My heart goes out to you. I can hear the love you have for your David in your post.
There are no magic words that can make you feel better , I wish there were.
Just do what feels right for you and don’t worry about anyone else but yourself . Take it day by day, hour by hour, look after yourself, let all of your feelings out. You are not going mad at all, everything you are feeling is normal.
This site is a great comfort and you are right, it is as good as counselling as all of us are going through grief and can help one another.
Keep on reaching out as we are here
for you.
Sending you hugs and strength xxx

[LolaA]

@ AKM Just stay with your feelings, for he is your love, and no need to think about others. Only you know, only you inside… can feel him. Nothing is silly, he will always be with you in spirit… Later when you can, perhaps you may want to check our NDE videos… they have given me lots of insights into where my beloved soulmate husband is. I have never given up to be with him again, in every aspect…for now he only departed physically.

[Punto]

All i can do is send my love to you. It’s hard, and we are all going through different emotions. I realised today that all the special occasions we would go to together it will be just me. I miss my husband so much and my fake smile became tears today. I am on week 18 and I think its just hit me he wont be home again, I wont be able to call him and I wont see his smile when we do something silly. I have the memories that I hope dont fade over time.

[AKM]

Thank you all of you, Libragirl56, Deb5, JMS1, Alir, LolaA and Punto.
You guys amazing and thank you for kinds words, now I feel like I’m not alone in this journey, I have people like you who can actually understand what it feels like when you loose your love and life partner.
Today I handed over his clothes for the funeral, we were going to spend Christmas in a lovely country hotel and he bought this cloths for the occasion, now would be wearing on his funeral. I cried so much when I gave them his clothes. I also requested that when they give him wash, if I can shave him then wash his face, when he was in hospital, he would ask me to wash his face rather then hospital staff, he preferred that, also he asked me shave him while he was there, so I’m going to do this for my love.
I just hope God gives me strength to do this.

[Jol]

@AKM so sorry for you . May for me so I can so remember the pain of the early days . Grief of a partner is the worst thing I have gone through in my life , we were so close . Please keep posting it does help to talk to people on here

[Punto]

You are so lucky to be able to shave him. I wasnt able to see my Rob once he was at the funeral home, they felt he had deteriorated quickly and only offered a closed coffin. Just one more cuddle or hold of his hand would have been so nice. Take care and take baby steps you will have good days and bad days but we are all here to help each other. X

[Reality]

@AKM I feel your pain. Your life sounds very much like my own with my husband who I lost on 7th November. I talk to him all the time too. I look at his photo and touch his face and talk to him. It makes me feel better.

I have also lost weight (I needed to anyway so I’m not bothered), didn’t wash, eat or sleep. In one of those long sleepless nights I had been thinking about how he was such a lovely, friendly, positive person - everyone loved him and the venue was standing room only with an extra room having to be opened up to accommodate everyone who came to his funeral. He gave freely of himself and lived life to the full.

Me? I lived for him. Everything that I did was for him (literally everything). I had no friends, no social life or outside interests apart from our home and homelife. In those wee small hours it occurred to me that he had probably accomplished his life mission but, because I had only lived for him, I hadn’t and I never would have if I had been with him. That is why I feel he was taken from me. I have something left to do - something that will undoubtedly affect other peoples lives. It could be something at work, it could be something in the future, it could be talking on here - but I feel that I have unfinished business that I need to accomplish to be with him again.

This was just our own beliefs so feel free to disagree - but it has given me the purpose to get up, to get out there and try to make a difference - in his name. I feel that he is with me (if only in my heart) but I definitely don’t feel alone now that the initial pain has subsided. I can feel him with me, watching me, feeling proud and smiling.

Just go through the motions, surviving, putting one foot in front of the other and know that a love like yours could never die. How could something so strong just disappear? There is NO WAY that he is going to leave you. He IS still with you - you just can’t see him or hear him or feel him (yet?) but that doesn’t mean he’s not there. What would he be saying to you? You know him well enough to know this. Listen to his advice with your heart rather than your ears and feel his love still with you.

[Buddy2018]

Hi AKM
So sorry for your loss
I have just lost my soul mate Jacqueline of only 4 years we got together on November 16th 2019 after a marriage that ended many years before,anyway she was the best thing that ever happened to me we travelled more places than most people in 40 yrs we had planned our future together and was planning on getting married next September.
We were doing a 8/10year plan and moving abroad and we were inseparable always with each other except when we worked,I would message her every day I told her I loved her every day we held hand ms when out in public we kissed in public we were so in love and life was fantastic.
She was my world my everything my best friend, I talk to her pictures and her ashes which is behind it like a we shrine I’ve made,I don’t no how I’m going to live my life without her as we were in our wee bubble for the 4 years she didn’t drink alcohol so I gave it up when I met her 2019.
I know if I was drinking I wouldn’t be here I’m hurting every single day like Groundhog Day.!!
I went back to work about 3 days after her funeral to keep busy but my head is all over the place.
I cry every day coming home from work as I know she’s not there ambit I have a dog​:dog2: which was my partners and I promise to look after him which is hard with the shift work as the poor wee soul doesn’t know if he’s coming or going life sucks

[Deb5]

You poor thing. Feel for you. Im coming up to a year of losing my husband and still her sad but those early weeks, minths are so very hard. And its not just ypu its the same for us all. Keep in talking to your wife and letting out your grief. I was advised to start a journal and i still do it … you can write to your wife and pour your heart out to her … really helps. Also i had 10 hourly sessions of bereavment counselling which really helped me too. Take care. Xx

[AKM]

Hi Reality thank you for such a lovely comment, reading to your comment feels like you are speaking of my mind. I am so sorry for your loss, I can feel your pain.
We were together for 24 years and we never separated, even when I went for any course or conference, he was always with me, we used to make it like a little holiday and make the most of it together. We enjoyed eating out and as you said, he was my love, my home and my social life, I would not go to anywhere or any dinner party either work or other social events without him.
I dedicated my life to his happiness, which eventually made me happy.
I knew he felt the same, sometimes when I used to do study for exams, means spending time in a separate room, but knew he is next door. We have tea at 5 and he would start looking at the time hour before, if I am 5 minutes late, he start calling me, “ are you coming for tea?” And I used to say, “ are you missing me already?”
I visit him daily, hug him, kiss him and then hold his hand while reading a chapter from a book he order 6 weeks ago, could not finish it, so reading to him.
So like you I don’t feel he has gone, he is here with me all the time, I just need to continue living in a same way, as before, talking to him, doing things for him, asking advice and now have a motive to live to achieve his dream with me. Although I do cry daily suddenly and when not hear his voice!

Hi Buddy2018 thank you for writing about your loss and sharing here, I am so sorry for your loss and I can say now how you feel. Pain of losing someone hurts a lot but it’s beautiful same time and it keeps you close to your love one. It is very hard to lose someone you love most, as reality said, you feel like your love one has been taken away from you.
This is a great platform to share and talk about your feeling, it is helping me a lot during this hard time.

I’m in the middle of organising the funeral, it is on 15th December, I did not think I would be able to do it, specially when all I wanted to just stay in a room with him, but my darling David would be very proud of me how I managed to organise a traditional funeral for him.

Just keep talking to each other here, this is the only thing make me feel alive!

[Jol]

@AKM I’m so sorry . I can understand your feelings totally . We were the same absolutely bonded like glue … someone said to me you have had 30 years of happiness as if I should be thankful . I wanted to grow old with him . I am an empty shell without him . Big hugs to you

[Deb5]

Yeh and some people have more than 30 years not a very helpful comment is it ? X

[Jol]

@Deb5 no love it’s not a compensation at all . Love Julia