@AKM @Stuandali … its good to hear from you and, although i don’t wish you to feel like you do, I’m glad my feelings are normal!.. this coming Sunday is the day Jimmy collapsed and then the following week was just so traumatic. I’m worrying about what feelings it will bring back, i wish i cld just erase that weekl from my memory!
One of Jimmy’s son’s is coming to stay on the day and we’re going to Jimmy’s best friend and his wife who’s a wonderful friend in the evening. I know we’ll all cry, but I’ll feel comfortable there and know Jimmy will be there too… he’d never miss a social gathering 
Oh, how life has changed for us all. We’ve now all been through 'the firsts '… let’s hope we can get through anything now as i don’t think anything could ever be as bad!.. let’s keep in touch every now and then xxx
@Sable @AKM
Like you say so many “firsts” have come around and the worst for me still to come.
I was at my first social outing a friends 60th party recently and being there on my own watching all my friends and wives/partners made me just want to go home.
I felt lonely and alone and the reality hit home knowing Alison wasn’t there with me, to dance with and laugh and enjoy being out together. I made my excuses and left early.
I’m glad I’m in this group and able to be open about my feelings with you all. The support is always there and hopefully I can share some of my thoughts and feelings with you all too.
I felt the same at my Niece’s wedding on Friday, I just wanted to go home. Its strange to think we can feel lonley in a room full of people. I made my excuses and left at 9pm. I doubt anyone noticed I had gone as all in couples and small groups.
Hi everyone it’s my first party with my husband’s family in November althrough he passed away 17 and half months ago it will be the first family party I’ve gone too without him as we went everywhere together and as much as I want to go I’m very anxious but will force myself to go as I have done these past 17 months so I know exactly what your all going through, as I have upto now approached each anniversary and feeling the same way as you we all got together either went out for lunch or my daughter cooks tea and we have a drink. Take care and I wish you well on your 1st anniversary’s
@Stuandali @AKM …i really have to pick and choose where i go and find i now always have to drive so i can leave when i need to!.. the only place i really feel comfortable is with Jimmy’s closest friend who he knew since being 6 weeks old and his wife!.. they understand more than anyone.
I can feel your pain, not easy to be out by yourself when it was like always together as a couple, now I feel alienated in a group. I went out a couple of time with friends for lunch but all I wanted to talk about David. I felt people are not really interested anymore about your loss, so I just stay home then.
Now we have Christmas party coming at work and I was asked to come after what I have gone through but tbh I never attended any Christmas party without my David and am scared to go now.
That’s bring the Christmas, Oh God! How I will go through with all that, people around me already talking about Christmas and all I’m praying hope Christmas does not come this year!!
For the last few years we were celebrating Christmas in a lovely country hotel in Yorkshire, very magical Christmas and at the end Christmas Gala to finish the holiday, they called me if we want to come this year, but could not bear without him, but I’m thinking may be continue doing it from next year for his memories.
I’m glade we have this community to keep us going and the support from all of you is just what we need at this stage.
Stay safe and connected.
@akm @ sable
Good morning ladies, I’m so glad to read you both feel the same way as I do about social events. I dread the thought but thankfully only one more of my friends is 60 this year and he’s keeping it low key.
I have barely even thought about Christmas yet and it fills me with dread already. Alison was a wonderful cook and loved having my kids and grandkids round.
My kids and I had a low key day last year as it was still so raw emotionally.
This year I’ve no idea what to do.
Like you’ve both said, being on this forum sharing thoughts and supporting each other is helping me. I hope it helps you too.
Keep talking, that’s what I say
I also find, like you, nobody else is interested in our losses now and that hurts.
I keep Alison’s memory going with her bench and flower garden and a wee thing in the house. I talk to her every day telling her that I love her and what I’ve been doing. Stay strong together 
Good morning too you all it’s so true what you say about people not wanting to talk about your loss its happened to me I find nobody wants to talk about him anymore sometimes I feel as though they think he never existed but I mention him regular in conversations and when he was here everyone loved him because of his dry sense of humour. As for Christmas I can’t even think about it when I do I get upset so I tell myself it’s a while yet forget it, I had my first Christmas last year without my husband my family did what they could to make it easy for me my daughter said we’ll make some new memories as well so changed a couple of thing we did as a family it went well but still found it hard when I look back I think to myself I did it and got through Christmas and although I probably will cry quite a bit I know I will get through this one so never give up hope from someone who has had 17 and a half months without her husband and had a lot of counselling and still having counselling but look back and think know matter how hard it’s been I’ve made it this far still got a very steep hill to climb but I will make it take care everyone
This will be my first Christmas without my beloved and im dreading it i miss him every day i cry a lot .My beloved was loved by everyone had a good sense of humour always made people laugh . It’s been 7 months 
i miss my beloved so much.
I put the fake smile on, like I do most days and got through it for my grandchildren. This year I will be on chemotherapy on a weekly dose, so have decided to spend it alone, although I doubt anyone will notice that I havent left the house. Its hard trying to be happy when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and be left alone with your tears and grief.
@Punto …of course people will notice if you’re not there! 
and i hope you’re chemo’s gng well and not too gruelling 
This time of years always tough for us all. Its my first anniversary without Jimmy on the 29th. All I want, is to know that wherever he is, he’s okay… that’s all I need to know. 
One of the people I know has a new relationship a year after her loss . I couldn’t do that at all but we are all different
I can’t bear Christmas. I went away for the first and probably go this year too . It’s not the same without him he loved Christmas
This will be my first Christmas without my Bill. Absolutely dreading it. We loved Christmas and I decorated all the rooms. Not this year . I’m afraid the house will remain dark. It’s probably not what Bill would want but I just can’t face it.
Bill was a retired Church of England vicar. He used to train the choir and we always had a wonderful Service of Nine Lessons and Carols. We always enjoyed watching the Carol Service from King’s College. Not this year. I don’t think I can bear to listen to carols knowing how much he loved the music. He also had a good voice and took one or two of the solos.
Sending much love and loads of hugs to you all 
Buddy… On my own for six yrs following a 24 yr marriage. Dreading my birthday next week and all the special dates that are approaching.
Long for another companion but not finding a soul here in South Africa!
Each day is a never ending battle alone
This will be my second Christmas and I’m dreading it my husband always used to say are you putting the tree up so we did absolutely big artificial tree that actually looks real it looked beautiful when it was decorated and lights put up outside, but last year I couldn’t I didn’t put anything up was too painful except my Bereavement councillor told me to put up a small tree which I did but in the conservatory with different colour baubles to our Christmas tree I put it there so I didn’t have to look at it, this year want so much to put a tree up in the living room but I know it will too upsetting even the thought of Christmas upsets me but as hard as its going to be you all will get through it know matter how painful it is and as my daughter said its not about forgetting your past memories but making new ones take care everyone
@Harriet4Bill i fully understand Harriet . My Andrew started at the end of October. Every room and front and back gardens were trimmed up . I cannot face anything to do with Christmas at all . I don’t know how long it will be this way but it’s still too painful. Virtual hugs to you
I too am dreading the coming few weeks as this Sunday is the start of Jimmy’s decline last year, and is really when i feel i lost him as he never regained consciousness. But, yesterday i had Angelic Reiki and the lady that performed it was absolutely amazing. I could have listened to her all day.
She told me that at the time, jimmy was actually standing next to me and that he’d always with me. I just need to look for the signs. I know he absolutely adored me and there’s no way he would want to leave me.
So, although we sometimes/often feel rubbish and that life’s a struggle without them…I truly believe they ARE with us and want us to be happy so we have to make them proud we will be with them again xxx. I writing this having an ok day, tomorrow may be different 
… but keep talking to them… they will hear you xxx
Just had first anniversary of my husband’s death, we had been together for 55 years, it seems to be getting worse. Even more difficult is I feel people don’t want to talk about him anymore. I just don’t know how I am going to survive x
Sable
I just read your last message, you have given me hope he is still with me xx