I just felt the need to reach out it’s late boxing day night and the first Christmas since losing my little baby in May. He lived a month. His name was Noah and he was a little beautiful who arrived at 27 weeks. He was an identical twin (the weaker one) weighing only 1lb 8 at birth. But he fought hard for a month with alot of difficulties including breathing and heart. He had picked up and was feeding better and as we had hoped improving and turning a corner.
But I awoke early one morning to hear he had gotten worse during the night by the time we got to reach the hospital he had just died.
I never got to hold him when he was alive only when he passed my beautiful boy.
I’ve been struggling alot these past 6 months after getting over the initial birth and loss of my little Noah.
Then bringing his twin home and caring for him, plus I’ve 2 other older boys. My whole world and life have changed. I yearn for him, I am reminded by him everyday in his twin Ben I’m seeing what he could have been. It’s like I’m haunted by him sometimes.
It’s strange dealing with life and death at the same time all the joys of birth are tainted and saddened.
I found myself numb alot and hard to bond with my little Ben but the months have passed and I find he helps alot with my grief. My emotions range from deep deep sadness, grief , joy, anxiety that something will happen the other twin, fear, anger I could go on.
I’ve also lost people who meant alot to me as they don’t know how to support me. I honestly think no one understands how I feel unless they have experienced it themselves.
I find people look the other way as they don’t know what to say to me.
I’ve kind of isolated myself as I’ve found people don’t support me anyway so I thought I’d reach out. I’m finding the festive season not so festive but I put on my happy mummy face and try my best for my boys. They don’t need to know I’m dying inside sometimes and the pain is unbearable.