Losing husband suddenly

My name is Ann and I am 61, last April 24 2018 my husband died suddenly in his sleep unexpectedly. I cannot get over it and feel I cannot go on anymore. I am working full-time but find it difficult to even get out of bed in the mornings. It is good that I am working otherwise I know I would not get out of bed. I have a family but feel they have their own lives to lead and do not want to burden them. I cannot talk to anyone about this without crying

Hi Ann, I am very sorry for your loss it is very hard to accept sudden death as I well know and each day is a struggle to say the least .My husband died very suddenly from a massive heart attack with virtually no warning and I still cannot believe this has happened he died in May 2018 and I just feel I do not want to live my life without him but know I must keep going for the sake of my children and grandchildren and like you say we have family but while they do there best they are also grieving. I am glad you have work and wish I was working as if nothing else its a distraction for some of the time.We should have been celebrating our golden wedding in two weeks time and had made so many plans for this and we were so looking forward to it.I am now having bereavement counselling perhaps if you have not tried it give it ago take care Teresa x

Mrs Annie

Hi Teresa, thank you for your comforting words. I feel worse as the days go by as I am sure you do as well. I think when it is a sudden death it is very hard as no warning. My husband went to bed fine and never woke up I found him in bed when I got home from work. Couldnt believe it thought it was a nightmare. I am very sorry that you did not make your Golden Wedding. I am now thinking and dreading Christmas. I have told my family that I will not be celebrating it and will stay in bed, as usually all the family came around to ours Christmas Day. I feel I cannot go to bereavement counselling yet as if I say the words I cry and do not stop. Writing it down is somehow easier? Look after yourself Teresa and thank you so much again. Be thinking of you Ann xx

I am so so sorry for your loss Ann, my heart goes out to you. Not only are you grieving but you in shock also. Believe me when I say I know exactly what you are going through. My husband also died very suddenly in June 2017 so 15 months ago now. He suffered a massive heart attack in his sleep, around 4am. I was woken by a very loud strange gurgling sound. I thought it was David snoring but very quickly and instinctively knew something was very wrong. I rang for ambulance and performed CPR on him. The paramedics did get his heart going but he had suffered catastrophic brain damage and was put on life support but passed away in hospital 5 days later. I am still reeling with the shock of it all. David was a very fit and healthy man and had no symptoms that anything was wrong. He had been for a 10 mile cycle ride that day. He had been retired only 2 months and I feel that he was robbed of the retirement he had been so looking forward to and I have been robbed of the future that should have been ours. We had so many plans. Like you, I go out to work and I’m grateful for that distraction - it’s the only part of my life that is normal. I continued with some of the DIY projects we had planned together and I look for my husband’s approval in everything I do. I talk to him all the time as I don’t want to get out of the habit of talking to him, I don’t ever want it to feel strange. Family and friends have been wonderful but they can’t really understand and 15 months on they think I’m ok. I’ll never be ok again but I put on a brave face and have become an incredible actor. I accept that this is now my life and I hate it. However, the world is a beautiful place and the sun is shining this morning…much love to you and take care. As the Queen Mother said “it doesn’t get any better, you just get better at it”. True words. Xx

Hi Ann, This is a terrible shock for you and the worst to come to terms with and to try and make sense of it. I cry every day and just fine it so difficult to try and motivate myself.I know you do not want to celebrate Christmas and neither do I but I know my family so do not wish me to be alone on this day as yours will feel the same…We normally go and visit all our grandchildren on Christmas day and then go out for lunch but I cannot look ahead to this right now. I find that seeing a bereavement counsellor has help and I do cry a lot when I am there so don’t feel you cannot do that as it helps to get your emotions out and given the sudden death of your husband you are most likely suffering from post traumatic stress and the counsellor can help you with this.I hope these words help you. Take care Ann love Teresa xxx

Hi Kate, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband David and now exactly how you feel my husband Tommy did exactly the same as your husband in May this year with no warning he just woke up at 7am and said “What are we doing today” and them went into cardiac arrest massive heart attack like you I preformed CPR on him for 20 minutes until paramedics arrived they managed to resuscitate him but again too much brain damage and we had to withdraw his life support 6 days later. You don’t need me to tell you how awful that is and how do we live with that everyday I think what you have said is so true “we just get better at it” I hope in time I will get better but just now I don’t really want to live my life without him. Love Teresa xxx

Teresa, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and in very similar circumstances. I had so many questions afterwards and made an appointment, through PALs, a few months later to speak with heart consultant. It helped enormously, just to have some form of understanding of what happened. I kept trying to think if I’d missed any signs that David had anything wrong. The consultant was very blunt and to the point, which was what was needed, but also reassuring. I came from the meeting and I was an emotional and physical wreck but I had achieved what I needed at that time. If this is something you haven’t already done, I would urge you to do it. Much love and hugs to you. Xx

Hi Kate, Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot to me I am an emotional wreck every day can’t keep it together and continually keep questioning if I did everything right for him.What is PAL’s ? I have a tough week.end ahead>i am going to Oban to scatter some of Tommy’s ashes as it would have been our 50th Wedding Anniversary on Friday and where we spent our honeymoon. Lots of love and hugs to you Kate xxxx

I think every NHS hospital has a PALS. It’s the Patient Advice and Liaison Service. They were very helpful to me. Just to get some kind of understanding and I had so many questions that only the medical professionals could have the answers to. I did stress to them that I wasn’t looking for blame, just understanding. To be honest the care my husband received, even though there was no hope, was exceptional and I can only describe the nursing staff as angels. They knew David was gone but still treated him with dignity, chatting to him the whole time.
I shall be thinking of you at the weekend. Much love xx

Fri 21 Sept

Ann

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you today xx

Hi Ann

I lost my partner suddenly in May to a heart attack he was only 48 he woke me up making strange noises he got out of bed and then lay on the floor myself and my older son gave him CPR until the paramedics arrived they took him straight to hospital but when I arrived he had passed away so I understand when it’s so sudden .

Thinking of you

Christine x

Hi Ann, Thank you it was a very tough day for me and I did not think I could do it but I am so glad I went to Oban and scattered some of Tommy’s ashes I will always have his memory love Teresa xxx

Hi Kate, I will loo into this and thank you for letting me know. like you I am not trying to blame anyone just trying to understand how this could happen with virtually no warning.Tommy like David received the best of care and was given so much dignity and I guess they new the outcome before I did but we all live in hope that it cannot happen to us lots of love Teresa xxx

Dear Mrs. Annie,

I can’t add much to what the others have said, expect to say that when you say you don’t know how to “get over it”, I don’t think we’re supposed to get over it as such, but learn to live with it as we go. I hope nobody is telling you that you need to “get over it”; that’s incredibly insensitive. You have been wonded in a terrible way, and healing - even if it never heals completely, but enough to allow you to smile again - takes a lot of time and energy.

You are five months in, sweetheart, and that is such early days. Still so very raw. I know I felt actually worse at the five month mark; I doidn’t know if I could even live anymore. I totally relate to not wanting to burden your family, but it can be so lonely to see they’ve got their lives, and yours is broken. I hope you are able to find support - counselling or other - where you can just be, and share those feelings honestly. You deserve to have it.

Louise xo

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Hi Ann, I’m so sorry for your loss. Like you I lost my husband on 26 April 18, very suddenly too. We were out shopping after both finishing work. He took I’ll in ASDA and within 2 hours he had died. I’m back at work now but not full time yet. I too feel desperately lonely and don’t really remember the first month after it happened. I talk to his photo all the time and kiss it goodnight every night, tell him good morning and see you later when going to work.
I can understand what you say about family, fading into the background a bit more now. I don’t really have friends to do things with (even though I don’t want to do anything) as it was just us two. Yes I cry all the time too it’s only natural, we’ve been and are still going through a very traumatic time in our lives that we didn’t know was coming so soon. This week has been a better one for me and you will have better weeks too. Just take it a day at a time, as I am. Love and a big hug to you xx

My husband died suddenly 9 weeks ago . Same sort of thing . We had been talking about what we were going to do that day before we got up . He got up . Took a couple of steps to the bathroom and collapsed with a cardiac arrest . Myself and one of his employees who I called for help did CPR till the paramedics and air ambulance doctors arrived . Despite getting him to hospital and him having two stents he had further cardiac arrests over the next three days and the results a preliminary brain scan showed significant damage . We had to tell the medical staff to stop trying to resuscitate him in the light of the information . He was 60 . Me and our three daughters are heartbroken as are all his staff and friends . It was a miracle that the air ambulance doctors got him to the hospital to give him every chance and allow us the opportunity to get our heads around what was happening . The Intensive care consultant described my husband’s health has being like a ticking time bomb . But unfortunately sometimes the first symptoms of any heart problem is a catastrophic cardiac arrest . He was a very fit man . We are all devastated. We have been together since he was 19 and I was 16 and I feel totally lost without him

Dear Romy, I am so sorry for your loss,when you have been with someone from a very early age you just cannot imagine life without them. I lost my husband in May to a cardiac arrest with no warning he was fine and working the previous day so we had no concerns about his health I did CPR on him for 20 minutes until the paramedics arrived and although they managed to resuscitate him it was too much for him to come back from this and we had to withdraw his life support,yes it does give some time to get your head around to what has happened and we live in hope that they will come back to us.I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 18 and we loved doing everything together, our 3 boys like your daughters and you are devastated and they are trying so hard to help me try ad make some sense of all of this,my loving thoughts are with you and your daughters lots of love Teresa xx

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